Dear Friend,

I didn't go to school today. I went out real early in the morning right when the sun was coming out and visited My aunt Helen's grave instead. I really didn't know what else to do. I had my book the Catcher in the Ryewith me and I just sat down and read it. All of it. I started on the first page and as soon as I finished I started reading it again. I don't remember if I was reading it out loud or not. And I don't remember if I got through it a second time or not before it got too dark to read but eventually I couldn't make out the words anymore so I just put the book down and started crying. And I don't know how long I sat like that either before I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I don't know who I was expecting but when I looked up in was my mom. I guess the school had called her when I never showed up. But she wasn't mad. She didn't say anything. She just squat down next to me for a minute and held her arms around my shoulder and let me cry until everything was dry and I couldn't cry anymore. I can't remember the last time I cried like that.

But when I was all done she helped me up and we went back to her car and she drove me home. I can't remember if we left mine at the cemetery or if I'd never driven it up there in the first place. When we got home my sister was there. I don't know how she got back from college so fast, but there she was. She even hugged me. Everyone was being really nice and talking really soft. My mom tried to get me to eat something but I said I wasn't hungry. My dad told me I hadn't eaten in a day and that I had to eat something, so I think I ate a little. I really can't remember.

I heard that my brother was flying in. I thought that was really strange. I heard my mom on the phone with him in the kitchen while my sister was holding my hand on the couch, and my mom was talking really softly and I think I heard her say something about Sam, which I thought was strange, but I couldn't be sure.

I guess looking back it wasn't really that strange. My brother and Sam don't really move "in the same circles" up at Penn State, but I guess when my brother heard what happened he kind of went looking for her. Which was good, because Sam probably couldn't have flown home on her own right now.
Towards the end of the night my brother came in the door. The funny thing was no one really greeted him. My mom hugged him and he patted me on the shoulder, but everyone was kind of stuck like wax figurines all night. I don't know how late it was, I only know it must have been very because there was nothing airing on television when everyone started saying goodnight and going upstairs. My sister was the last to go, and I think maybe it was because out of everyone she knew Patrick best other than me. She went to school with him for years, even if they never really talked.

"You going to be okay, Charlie?" she asked. She was still holding my hand.
I didn't feel okay at all, but I nodded, because I knew she only meant okay enough for her to go upstairs and get some sleep. She kind of lingered a little longer, before she got up and did something pretty unusual and kissed my forehead like mom sometimes would. She messed up my hair and then I heard her go up the steps.

I felt numb.

I don't think I really slept at all, but I was in that weird place between sleep and awake where nothing seems real and everything is both confusing and makes sense at the same time. That's why I wasn't really sure when I heard a knock on the door if I really heard it or not. But after the second time I heard it I got up off the couch and went to answer it. I had never taken my shoes off. I answered the door and I guess I wasn't really surprised to see Sam, because I didn't say anything. She didn't either, and we just kind of stared at each other for a minute before she got this really sad look on her face and her eyes were all watery, and she walked up to me and hugged me. It wasn't the kind of hug she usually gave me. It was more like she was just leaning on me. And it took me a minute to realize that she really was. And I was so weak that I couldn't really hold her up. And we were both so tired and weak from crying and not believing that we both just sank to the floor right there with the door still open, not caring about letting the cold in.

And for the first time since my mom got the phone call a day ago when I got home from school I wasn't crying. But Sam was. And I just held her and we both sat there holding each other and shaking our heads and not knowing what we were going to do.

"I walked here." Sam said when she could make sounds between sobs again. "I'm never going to drive again."

And I didn't blame her. It was just such a freak thing. I could just see it. A dark night on the highway and a car going just a little too fast around a sharp corner. How could Patrick have known about the black ice? He was probably listening to the radio loud, maybe even the mixed tape I'd made him last year for Secret Santa.

I couldn't think about that because if I did I'd probably never be able to listen to any of those songs again, like Sam wouldn't be able to drive again. Or at least not for a long time. Not until the memory faded. And I'm not sure which idea is worse. That Sam may never drive her red truck she loves again or that Patrick's memory might fade.

Eventually, Sam was able to stop crying long enough to ask if she could spend the night, and I said she could. I didn't check with my parents but I didn't think they'd mind. I didn't think I'd be able to be alone right then, anyway. I don't really remember but we must have gone up stairs because next thing I remember was us both in my room, laying down next to each other on my bed. We spent the night numbly sharing stories with each other and talking until I guess we both eventually fell asleep. I don't think either of us wanted to, but we were both exhausted.

Now I don't know what time it is, but I'm sitting awake with my desk lamp on. I had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep. Sam's still asleep in my bed. She looks quiet and I'd like to think she's at a place where she's not sad so I don't want to wake her.

Nothing's ever going to be the same again. And now that I reread that line I'm crying again.

Love Always,
Charlie