How many hours can be spent like this?

Awake.

Alive.

But barely living.

How many images can flash by in a minute? Where is she, where is she going, where is she coming from, where am I, where are you, where is he?

The world has become her enemy. There is a threat in the shadows of a room. When Abby casually touches her arm whilst discussing evidence and forensics, Kate flinches. She tries to hide it. But Abby always notices. When Tony breaks the silence with his loud and piercing voice during a late night in the office, Kate jumps. The everyday noises and movements of life, scare her more than anything before. She is back at work, but she barely functions. It will take time, Gibbs whispered in her ear when she stepped out of the elevator and into the office on her first real day back. It will take time, her psychiatrist says. And you need to be patient with yourself, Kate.

Kate showers every morning and every evening before going to bed. The water falling onto her head and down her body is her only pure sense of safety. She is clean, but beneath her skin, inside her blood flow, in her heart, and in the very core of her body, there is dirt. Endless filth that will not be washed away. Every night, she dreams. Every night, she wakes up, bathing in her own sweat. Almost every second night, she wakes up with her heart in her throat and glistening skin, leaving the bed and a trail of her clothes from the bed to the bathroom, and showers.

Her skin is pale and her eyes are dark.

She is in the gym with Gibbs, DiNozzo and McGee. They are fighting, she is not. She does not feel ready yet, she wonders if she every will, and they respect that. She watches with dead eyes as Gibbs outsmarts both McGee and Tony at the very same time. His blue eyes are a wall, blocking anyone from knowing his true thoughts, and McGee and Tony are too busy with trying to compete with each other. Kate bites her lip absentmindedly as she stands by the wall and observes.

She must have zoned out, as she always does nowadays, because the next thing she knows, someone is pinning her to the floor, and the air is gone from the room and her lungs and her heart. She gasps for air, as the body on top of hers pushes her down, down, down. Her entire body is screaming, but it is locked, limbs frozen, mind empty and screaming and full of too much, too much, too much. Someone is pinning her to the ground, and she does not know if she is back in her nightmares or maybe back in the reality that broke her.

She hears Gibbs voice with undertones of anger, and the next second, the weight is lifted off of her small body. She takes a tentative breath, but doesn't move from the ground, lets her face be pressed onto the mattress on the floor. She is too weak to move.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, agent?" Gibbs is angry.

"Well, she seemed bored, watching you boys play tough," a voice Kate doesn't recognize, but suspects must belong to her attacker - a fellow agent ready for some time in the gym - answers.

"You can't just jump at someone like that, man," comes Tony's voice, "You can at least, I don't know, ask or something."

"All right, sorry. Good luck thinking like that in the field, though." Steps echo in the room and a door is closed.

Maybe he left. Maybe she can open her eyes. Maybe she can't.

There is silence. She is not sure but she suspects they're watching her. She wants to sit up, stand up, brush off the dust and smile at them. Gosh, I must have zoned out. You don't give us enough sleep, Gibbs. She cannot, however. Her body has locked itself and hidden the key.

"DiNozzo. McGee. Hit the showers," Gibbs orders.

They obey. Everyone always does when Gibbs' voice sounds so much like iron and steel and burning threat.

Soon the door is closed, and the only ones left in the room is Kate on the floor and Gibbs somewhere close by. There is silence, and Kate doesn't dare open her eyes.

"Can you move?"

Kate manages to find her voice, "I don't know."

Gibbs sighs, and she can hear his footsteps as he approaches her, and her heart speeds up again. Rationally, she know that it is Gibbs, knows that he's going to help her sit up or whatever, she knows, she knows, she knows. But her body doesn't know. Her body hears the footsteps and feels another person approaching, and her body does not trust anyone. His hands are suddenly on her waist, and her body wants to strangle him, but her arms and hands hang limp at her sides. Gibbs manages to get her into a sitting position.

"Kate," he murmurs, but she doesn't dare look at him. She can hear her own heart beat loudly in her ears. She is sweating and trembling.

"Kate," he says again and he puts a hand on her cheek, forcing her to look into his blue eyes. "Breathe."

She tries to find the air around her. She inhales slowly with a trembling body.

His hand falls down onto her shoulder and, once again, she flinches.

"I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know," she says.

Gibbs hesitates before settling down next to her on the floor, resting his back against the wall. She slowly mirrors him, focusing on breathing. Her eyes close without her noticing.

"Tell me what's going through your mind."

"Fear."

If Gibbs is surprised by her sudden honesty, he doesn't let it show.

"Fear of what?" he says.

She almost laughs, "I don't know. Everything."

"Do you fear me?" he asks with a serious and investigating tone.

"Yes."

"But I'm not going to hurt you. You know that."

"I know… but…. my body doesn't know that. My body thinks you're going to hurt me."

He doesn't say anything.

"And…" she continues, "I just… don't know what to do in order for my body to… not fear you."

"You have to fight that fear, Kate."

"How?"

"Open your eyes."

Her eyes open and she turns her head to look at him. He is sitting closer to her than before, but no part of him is touching her.

"Can you see my hand?" he holds it out.

"Of course I can see your hand," she says, voice tight.

Slowly his hand travels through the air until it almost touches hers where it is lying limp on her leg. He stops the movement before skin meets skin.

"Are you scared?" His blue eyes are serious.

"I don't know."

Slowly, slowly, his hand touches hers and settles on top of it. His hand is warm.

She lets out a deep breath, and his hand stays on top of hers.

"It's about power, isn't it?"

She nods, feeling the tears in her eyes.

"It's about the power that you lost."

She nods again.

"It's about control, Kate. You lost control of everything. Of your situation. Of your body. And every time something affects you without your consent, your body reacts. Whenever someone touches your skin, they take your power from you."

"Yes," she breathes, relief filling her body at the explanation of her feelings, the feelings that always rage inside of her.

"Look at me," he murmurs, and her teary eyes lock with his. He takes her hand and puts it on his own cheek.

"Touch me," he murmurs. "I give you my power. Touch me."

She stares at him with big eyes and feels her hand start exploring the skin on his cheek. And when he says it again, murmuring the words that somehow seem very intimate, her mind goes blank, and her body softens. Both hands are on either of his cheeks, and their eyes are locked, bright blue against a dark, dark brown. Touching him like this is addictive, touching him and knowing that what she does is entirely her choice. Her hands wander down his neck and shoulders and chest. Her body turns, and soon she finds herself heaving herself towards him, straddling his legs. He does not do anything; his hands do not move from where they're resting on the floor on either side of him. Their eyes are locked in a stare that is a bit soft, but mostly just serious and perhaps a bit curious. She hasn't been this close to anyone in months, physically or mentally. Her hands gently trail their way towards his face and settle on his lips, thumbs making small patterns, moving slowly. She cannot stop staring at him.

She doesn't understand how he can let her do this. This is beyond inappropriate. But it doesn't matter, because he just gave her some of his own power and control, and it flows through her veins, filling her body, softening it, loving it.

The room is quiet and calm.

Their faces are close, their chests centimeters from each other, and she is seated in his lap.

Her eyes close, and she slowly leans her forehead against his.

"Gibbs."

"Yes," his breath caresses her lips, a breath of salvation on burning skin.

"Touch me." Her eyes open as she says it, locking with the blue ones barely a centimeter from her own. He is surprised, and she sees a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"Touch me, Gibbs."

She removes her hands from his face and reaches toward his where they are resting on the floor. She settles his hands on her hips.

She has no idea what they're doing.

Neither does he.

His hands slowly move up her back, and settle there.

The tears are falling from her eyes, but there is a soft smile on her face.

Gibbs only stares, and cannot seem to stop staring at her, as her hands settle at the back of his neck.

"I'm tired," she whispers.

"I know."

"Thank you," she says, and her eyes close and she rests her head on his shoulder, nose pressed against his neck.

Okay so this took some time. God, hahaha. I suck.

But tell me what you think?

I just started writing again, so it'd be nice to hear from you all