Of Mischief and Men
Pairing: Garrus/Shepard
Rating: M, for sexual situations and language
Genre: Humor/Romance, a splash of angst in there too for balance

Summary: When the female crew members of the Normandy decide it's would be a good idea to mettle in Shepard's private life, she decides to play along. With Garrus's assistance of course.

Author's Note: Yay, more followers and favorites! There was even a couple reviews in there too. You all have been wonderful and, while I'm sad to see this story in it's downward slide into completion, I cannot wait to finish this. So this chapter is dedicate to all of you who have been loyally reading on.

"Garrus!" Shepard yelled as she entered the Normandy. "Garrus Vakarian, where are you hiding?"

"XO Vakarian is in the forward battery Commander. No other crew are aboard the ship at this time," came EDI's voice over the comm system.

"Of course he is," Shepard said as she gasped for breath. Damn the corset on that dress! "Thank you EDI. Send a message to all crew that no one is to return to the ship before 0800 tomorrow morning please."

"It has been taken care of. Good luck Commander, logging you out."

Shepard quickly made her way to the main battery. She honestly had no idea what to expect when she arrived. Would he be angry with her? Would he keep his distance and try to avoid this talk they both knew needed to happen? Worry knotted in her stomach and she had to swallow down feeling that her dinner would make a second appearance. She looked at the door of the battery only to see the door was closed and the lock was red.

Garrus had locked her, and everyone else for that matter, out of the battery.

"Garrus! Damn it all you stubborn fuck, open this door!" Shepard yelled as she beat on the metal that stood between the two of them. She heard no movement and nearly growled. "EDI! Open the door to the main battery. Now!"

She watched the lock change from red to green in a matter of moments. The door hissed as it opened. There, sitting on that too small cot he called a bed, was Garrus. She had never seen him look so sad in all the time they had know each other. He did not look up as he heard the soft pat of her feet as she walked toward him.

"Garrus," Shepard started. Her voice sounded weak and unsure. "We need to talk. Please, come with me to my room."

Without a word he stood up. Garrus still would not look at her. Shepard could feel the pin prick of tears behind her eyes and blink hard to hold them back. She would not cry, no matter what happened. Not where he could see or hear her at least. She turned and walked out of the battery, knowing he would follow. She had made sure it hadn't sounded like an order, but Garrus was never one to tell her no.

They walked in silence to the elevator. The ride to her room was painfully quiet and Shepard couldn't help but think that Cerberus could rebuild her and the Normandy but they couldn't make the elevator any faster. She nearly snorted at the thought but she did not want to break the silence. Finally the elevator came to a stop and she exited first so she could enter the code to get into her room. She snarled at it when it beeped at her that the code was wrong. She tried again and it refused her entry. Garrus leaned past her, careful not to touch her, and input the code. The door opened with a hiss and she muttered a soft thanks. He nodded his acknowledgement and followed her in. He took his spot on her couch.

"What do you wish to talk about Shepard?" Garrus said gently.

"I'm Shepard again? We're in private Garrus. You know to call me Jane here," Shepard choked out softly.

"Not tonight. I, just, not tonight," Garrus finished lamely.

"Why?" Shepard asked as she walked to her desk, the sherry and scotch still there from earlier.

"I just can't Shepard," He replied as he rubbed his eyes with his left hand.

"You looked like you enjoyed dinner with Kelly," She commented, trying to keep it light but coming across as slightly bitter. She quickly poured them both a drink and handed Garrus his before sitting next to him.

"Did you enjoy your date with Thane?" It was out of his mouth before he had even processed the thought. It came out sharper than he intended, jealousy already tenting his voice at the thought and images that single sentence brought to mind.

Spirits, get it together Garrus. She's not your lover, she's your best friend. As much as you would like that to change it won't.

"Do I hear... jealousy from you Garrus?" Shepard asked softly. "Real jealousy?"

Garrus wanted to get defensive. He wanted to say no, that he was just concerned for her because he didn't trust the drell yet. He wanted to say that there was no reason for him to feel jealous because they were best friends and nothing more. Garrus wanted to tell her she was delusional for even thinking he would be jealous. He wanted to make a joke about how soft and squishy she was and how he was attracted to sharp angles and glimmering plates.

His mouth didn't agree with what he wanted.

"Do you want me to be jealous of the drell Jane?" His eyes widened slightly when his voice reached his ears. He felt the couch shift and finally looked down at her.

Shepard sat up tall and looked Garrus in the eyes. Her emerald eyes shimmered in the light as she looked at him. Garrus couldn't help but think how beautiful they were. She was still in that infuriating dress as well. His hands twitched as he fought the urge to grab her.

"Only as much as you wanted me to be jealous of the recon scout Garrus," Shepard said with a fiery snap. "Don't you dare deny it either. Tell me the truth. You told me about that tie breaker just to see how I would react."

"Jane," Garrus was a little taken aback at her determination. He quickly stood up and walked behind the couch. He simply could not be that close to her at that moment. "You weren't. Jealous, I mean. You looked me dead in the face and offered to spar with me."

"That wasn't what I was offering and you know it Garrus Vakarian!" She rounded on him, climbing onto her knees and standing on the couch cushions.

"No I did not Jane Shepard or I would have pinned you to the wall right then!" Garrus growled. "I've wanted you for years, you insufferable woman."

"Bullshit you did!" She yelled at him, her finger pointed. "You've never been the kind of man to sit back and let an opportunity pass you by! That's why I picked you in the first place - your stubborn streak!"

"Are you insane? How could I not want you?" He snapped. "Spirits, I've wanted you so bad it hurt to be your friend sometimes. Every time you would come down and talk to me while I worked on the Mako I want to tell you how important you are to me. Tali kept telling me you were flirting with me and I never believed her. I knew someone as good as you would never settle for me."

Garrus looked away from her. He slowly walked toward the window next to her bed and watched as the stars went by, his drink still full in his hand. He heard her mouth open and knew that some argument was coming his way over his last statement. She had always thought he was a better person than he gave himself credit for. A better person than he really was. He pressed on, not giving her a chance to speak.

"The last night we were on the Normandy, the night before Ilos, I had planned on coming to see you. If only to spend one last night around you before we headed into Hell. I had no intention of telling you how I felt. I just needed that last chance at a moment alone with you."

Shepard moved off the couch slowly. Never in the time that they had known each other had he heard him speak with such conviction. Not even about Saren. She slowly walked around the couch and reached out to him. She stopped just short, afraid of what he would do. He sounded so sad, so full of regret.

"Then, Kaidan walked into your room. I felt so hurt, for no real reason of course because you had no idea how I felt about you, and I lost all reason. I just left and spent the night alone, thinking of just how badly I wanted to rip that little biotic asshole in two. I knew I couldn't stay if we survived. Not if you were with Kaiden. I had to get away after that.

"So I went back to Spectre training, and when I failed at that again, I went back to C-Sec. I hated every moment of it. Once you get to taste the kind of freedom being Commander Shepard's six is, a desk job just won't cut it anymore."

"Nothing happened between me and Kaidan! Not a damn thing," Shepard said quickly. "I can't stand him. He's clingy and mistrusting. He questioned everything I ever did; as if I would ever be accountable to him! He could never be anything more than a friend at best. Not after I had met you!"

"I decided then I didn't care about staying quiet anymore," Garrus continued on as though he hadn't heard a word she had said. "And just when I had the nerve to tell you, you died. You died and I lived the next two damn years regretting that I was too afraid to say anything sooner. That's how I ended up on Omega, Jane. To try to forget about you, however impossible it seemed."

"You goddamn idiot," Shepard said as she set down her drink. "I was flirting with you while you were working on the Mako. Every single time. As for the night before Ilos, I kicked Kaidan out of my room no sooner than he arrived. I didn't want him there, I wanted you."

"Wait, what?" Garrus said and nearly smacked himself for it.

"It's always been you Garrus. You, my best friend in the entire galaxy. The only person I truly trust," Shepard said, her voice shaking as she reached out for him. She choked on a soft sob. "You were the last thing I thought about when I died and the first thing I thought of when I woke up in that damn lab."

"Jane," Garrus said softly and grabbed her hands. He pulled her against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face in his chest while he rubbed small circles into her back. "Shh, don't be upset please. Jane I can't stand to see you cry."

"I'm sorry Garrus, I shouldn't have asked you play along with all of this," Shepard said, her voice muffled. "I should have just sat down and talked to you. I was just... scared."

"That makes two of us," He muttered softly in reply. "So, you did all of this just to get a rise out of me? Just to figure out how I felt about you?"

"Right down to strong-arming Thane into doing the Tango with me," She said with a chuckle.

"Knew you would come around," He laughed lightly. "I guess Wrex was right."

"What are you talking about?"

"When he said you were part Krogan. It's the scars, isn't it? Gets the ladies every time," Garrus replied with a smirk. He didn't want her to cry, so he pushed for that normal banter that came so easily to them.

"I'm too flexible to be part Krogan," She shot back as she looked up at him, grateful for the hint of normality between them. "I mean, you saw me on the dance floor with Thane earlier."

"He's lucky I didn't kill him."

"He didn't get to see half of how flexible I can be," She said lightly. "That is how you like your women, right?"

Garrus couldn't help but laugh, a deep rumble that made Shepard shiver. She couldn't help the mix of lust and joy that came at seeing him so carefree. Even if it was only for a few minutes.

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?"

"What?" She asked as innocently as possible. "Oh, you mean you telling me about your reach and how you tested that scout's flexibility? That would be a no. Especially because you were so adorably awkward about the whole thing."

"You meant to say "sexy" right?" He asked, his flanging voice low and warm. It made Shepard tingle and the muscles in her lower stomach tighten. "Because nothing is more sexy than Archangel."

"Really?" She raised her eyebrow at him and pulled out of his arms. As she stepped backward she reached up and started to, ever so slowly, undo the eye-and-hooks that ran down the front of her dress. "I was under the impression that nothing was sexier than the Savior of the Citadel."

"Commander," came EDI's voice. Shepard swore loudly at the sound. "I apologize for the interruption, but several members of the ground team have returned against your wishes, including Agent Lawson and Head Engineer nar Rayya."

"Thank you EDI, XO Vakarian and I will take care of it," Shepard ground out. "Where are they?"

"They are all in the mess hall Commander. Logging you out."

Garrus couldn't help but chuckle. There were few moments in all the time he had spent with Shepard that he had ever seen her so furious. They were even more rare outside of battle. He put a hand on her cheek and pressed his forehead to her own. Shepard sighed gently before pulling away.

"Ready for one last performance?" Shepard said with a grin after a few moments. She quickly redid the few eye-and-hooks she had managed to get undone.

"What are you up to now Jane?" Garrus asked, amused by the grin on her face.

"Just follow my lead, okay?" She whispered as she headed for her door.

Garrus nodded and followed her out. She got onto the elevator and headed down to the mess. She looked up at him with a smile that quickly turned into a scowl. Garrus mouthed 'what's wrong?' to which she simply winked.

"What they hell is your problem Vakarian?" Shepard yelled as they neared their destination. "First you throw a fit about Kaidan when we leave Horizon, now you storm out on your date with Kelly. I don't need a babysitter!"

"Excuse me?" Garrus growled. It took a moment for him to catch on and he shot her a quick grin as the elevator stopped. "How many times have I pulled your ass from the fire? Oh wait, you never noticed because you're too busy making eyes at Kaiden and now Thane!"

"Oh that's fucking rich Garrus," Shepard snapped as she stormed from the elevator and toward the battery. "I swear if I didn't know any better I would think you were a jealous teenager!"

"As if you're any more mature than I am!" Garrus ground out as he reached for her arm. He spun her around to look at him. "You flaunted your little pet biotic just to piss me off on the SR-1. Now you're going the same thing with the drell!"

"How about that damn recon scout, hm? I suppose that was just all in good-natured fun telling me that story," She ripped her arm out of his grip. "Maybe if you'd get your mind out of the gutter an-"

"And what Jane? Tried to get you to notice me?" He couldn't help but growl. "You are the most infuriating woman I've ever known!"

"Well, you're the most exasperating man I've ever met!" She yelled as he stormed past her and into the battery. "Don't you dare walk away from me!"

"Is that an order Shepard?" He replied snidely.

"In fact it is XO Vakarian." She said. "One more step and I'll have you locked out of the battery until further notice."

Shepard caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. No doubt the girls trying to get into Miranda's office without being noticed. Her eyes narrowed. On the inside she couldn't help but laugh; the girls had to think this was all their fault. It really was and she wanted them to learn a lesson in all this - stay out of Shepard's love life.

"Where the hell would I sleep?" He threw a glare at her over his shoulder.

"That has yet to be determined."

"Fine," Garrus walked over to the closest table and took a seat.

"Done acting like a child?" Shepard asked as she took a seat across from him. When he didn't answer, she reached across the table and touched his hand. "It seems we have a lot to talk about."

"There's nothing to talk about Shepard," Garrus said as he pulled his hand away.

"Garrus, please," She said gently. "Please call me Jane. You know I hate it when you call me Shepard."

"I don't feel like your friend right now, so I don't feel comfortable calling you Jane."

Shepard looked like she had been smacked. She stood up and walked toward Miranda's office, staring out the windows and into the vast expanse. She could hear the girls trying to stay quiet from behind the door. Despite their efforts, she could hear Tali faintly threaten Garrus's life.

"I see," She said softly. "I apologize for taking up your time XO Vakarian. You may return to the main battery whenever you wish."

"Thank you Commander," Garrus muttered as he stood up.

"I will be in my quarters. EDI, see to it that no one disturbs me. I plan to spend the rest of my shore leave there, alone." She said quickly and ran for the elevator.

"Shepard, wait!" Garrus yelled after a moment. He hurried to the elevator but she was already gone. He let out a terrible, heartbreaking sound as he punched the elevator door.

He heard the hiss of the doors to Miranda's office as they opened. Garrus put his arm against the elevator door before he propped his forehead against it with a sigh. Internally, he was fighting off a wave of laughter that threatened to overtake him. He only hoped they were as convincing as it had sounded to him.

"Garrus Vakarian, go fix this right now!" Tali cried as she came around the corner. "You bosh'tet! I swear to your precious Spirits I will shoot you if you don't go make this better right now!"

"And how am I expected to do that Tali?" Garrus snarled. "She's not going to let me just walk in. I have no doubt she changed the passcode on her room so that I can't get in."

"I'll break you in if I must," Tali said as she pressed the up button on the elevator. "This is my fault Garrus, along with the rest of the girls. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to fix what I had messed up in the first place."

"How is this your fault Tali?" Garrus asked as he looked down at her. "I screwed this up all on my own. Not that there was really anything there to screw up in the first place."

"Shut up!" Tali shoved him into the elevator as she doors opened before she stepped in behind him. "I will not watch the two of you pine after each other anymore! End of discussion!"

Garrus couldn't hold it in any longer. He erupted with laughter once the elevator doors shut. He wrapped his arms around himself as he doubled over. He had not laughed like that since Shepard had died and it felt good. Tali's body language did not help the situation. She looked as though she was afraid he had lost his mind.

"What is wrong with you?" She screeched. "What about this is funny?"

"I-I'm sorry T-Ta-Tali, " Garrus stuttered out between laughs. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and looked over at his friend. "Jane and I knew the whole time. We've been playing along with this whole thing."

"Y-you!" Tali was so angry she couldn't form words. She took a few shaky breaths to calm herself. She kept thinking to herself that he was lucky she didn't have her shotgun on her person. "Then what was all of that in the mess hall?"

"Jane wanted to teach you all a lesson, I believe," Garrus said as he straightened up. "She just told me to follow her lead. Who am I to question her?"

"Your blind faith in her is amazing," Tali muttered. "Though not unfounded."

"Few would agree," He stated simply.

The elevator doors opened to Shepard standing in front of her quarters. She was muttering, the occasional swear the only thing understandable. Tali sighed and used her omni-tool to override the lock. Shepard looked back at the elevator to see Tali and Garrus there. She smiled sheepishly and chuckled. She could easily see Tali was upset.

"I was trying really hard to reprogram it, to make it look convincing, but I just managed to get myself locked out instead," She explained as she rubbed the back of her neck.

"You bosh'tet! You let me think you and Garrus were actually fighting!" Tali yelled. "I thought I had messed things up for you two. Not by myself mind you, but that doesn't make it less true."

"Tali," Garrus said as he nudged her back into the elevator. "As if Jane and I could be anything but good. "

"I get it, I'm leaving," Tali said kindly. "But I demand details later."

"Only if you get the girls off the ship," Shepard replied with a smile. "I hope this taught you all a lesson."

"Don't mess with Shepard's love life - especially before she has her coffee," Tali said with a laugh. She closed the elevator doors with a small wave, leaving the two of them alone.

Shepard looked up at Garrus. The look in his eyes was one she had not seen since the early days on the SR-1. They were filled with mirth and happiness. Apparently, she had not been the only one to enjoy their little show.

"Did you really feel like I was flaunting Kaidan around?" Shepard asked gently as she opened walked into her quarters.

"No, I just made up the first thing that came to mind," Garrus replied honestly. He followed her inside and locked the door down behind them. "So, where were we before you felt it necessary to teach the girls a lesson?"

"I believe we were right about," She reached up, her back still to him, and began to ease the bow that kept her top snugly in place apart. "here."

Before you get mad, I know I suck for stopping right when it's about the get to the down and dirty part. I want it done right and not rushed, so you're going to have to wait until the next chapter. Sorry all!

Thank you all again for the reviews, follows, and favorites. Most importantly, thank you for your patience! I know that waiting isn't much fun, but with midterms coming up along with the March being the single busiest month of the year at work, I'm lucky I was able to get this chapter finished before Easter!