4x13 Klaus' thoughts

Mea Culpa

He could hardly restrain himself from rushing to her side and forcing his blood down her throat whether she wanted it or not this time. Her shallow breaths tormented him a continuous call your fault your fault your fault. He couldn't look at her, couldn't see the pain he had inflicted. Pain he had once sworn never to cause her.

"If you don't feed me your blood I'll die." Caroline's voice broke the horrible silence and the phantom call that he had caused this playing over and over in his mind.

"Then you'll die and Tyler would have learned his lesson the hard way." Klaus fought back tears at his words; the thought of her dead, of her light gone from the world and it his fault was... he couldn't think about it. He wouldn't. He wouldn't let himself. He was stronger than that.

"How could you do this to him, to his mom, to me?"

The only person on her list that he cared about was her, and he still didn't know how he had been able to force his hands to cause her harm. "I'm a thousand years old, call it boredom." He had hurt everyone he ever cared for; how had he deluded himself into thinking that she would be any different?

"I don't believe you."

"Fine, then maybe it's because I'm pure evil and I can't help myself." That was what she thought of him at least; it was so tiring trying to live up to her expectations of him when all he wanted to do was fix what he had done. He couldn't; he wanted to, but the idea of her living, hating him every moment? It would be better if she were dead; if she died hating him at least he wouldn't have some absurd idea that he could find her and beg her forgiveness.

"No." your fault your fault your fault "It's because you were hurt."

He finally turned toward her, trying to conceal the shock her observation had caused. Hurt implied caring and that implied… something he was sure he had lost a thousand years before.

Your fault your fault your fault "Which means that there is a part of you that is human." How did she know? How did she always manage to see straight through his defenses?

Klaus pushed himself off the frame to approach her, his shock getting the better of him in the moment, sitting close to her; the closest her would ever allow himself to get to her. "How could you possibly think that?"

"Because I've seen it. Because I've caught myself whishing that I could forget all the horrible things that you've done."

Your fault your fault "But you can't. Can you?" He whished she could; no he whished he hadn't done them at all; whished that he could somehow be deserving of her.

"I know that you're in love with me." No, he couldn't love. That was a vampire's greatest… but he wasn't sure if he believed that anymore. Closing himself off, what had that got him? Nothing. But Love. Was that really what this was? "And anyone capable of love is capable of being saved."

No he couldn't be saved, it was too late for him the cadence of your fault your fault your fault that her breath caused reminded him of that. But the tears that welled in his eyes revealed what he tried to push down. He wanted to be saved. "You're hallucinating." He couldn't seem to stop him self from lying to her in a feeble attempt to regain his sense of strength. But she always saw through him.

She tried to laugh, and his heart clenched painfully, foreign feelings flooding him. "I guess I'll never know." Her resignation to death chilled him to the core. He was used to people begging for their life. He was used to the run, to the chase, to the fight for the last breath. And she was so accepting. Your fault. You did this.

Caroline's breathing hitched, and true terror flooded him. "Caroline?" No, he didn't want her dead… she couldn't die. Not his girl. Again, her breathing hitched, one final YOU DID THIS. "Caroline." Your fault.

Watching the life leave her was what it took for him to realize just how true her words had been. He loved her. And suddenly he didn't want to fight his tears anymore. He had killed her. My fault, my own most grievous fault. But what if it wasn't too late? He could still… he had to. He had to save her. This was all for nothing; he would save her every time.

Klaus rushed to her, lifting her up, looking at the mark he had left on her perfect skin, before biting into the flesh of his wrist. There would be no choice for her this time. It was not worth living in a world where she did not exist.

Even if she hated him.

After all, he had no one to blame but himself.