The Lizzie Bennet Diaries Episode 60 from Darcy's Point of View

The violent civil war between my rational mind and my heart had raged inside me for months. I was staunchly determined that the rational side would win. After all, I prided myself on my control and rationality above all else. On paper, nothing about Lizzie Bennet suggested that she would be in any way a good match for me. Unfortunately, my heart had the opposite opinion. When I agreed to examine the workings of Collins & Collins for my aunt, I tried to ignore that my decision had been significantly influenced by the opportunity to see Lizzie again.

I quickly became accustomed to the pleasure of a few minutes of daily interaction with Lizzie. Much to the horror of my rational mind, I felt myself light up every time I saw her. When she smiled and laughed with Charlotte, I longed to join their conversation. Unfortunately, every time I tried, my presence had the effect of bringing their conversation to an abrupt halt. I had to content myself with observation alone. The mere sound of her voice or the trill of her laugh drifting down the hallway rendered me unable to concentrate on my work. Thoughts about her invaded my mind with troubling frequency. Seeing Lizzie had become the highlight of my day. She had even affected my sleeping habits. I no longer hit snooze on my alarm to allow my customary seven minutes to properly sweep aside the veil of unconsciousness. I found myself jumping out of bed wide-awake and eager to start my day. It was vexing indeed. I regularly argued with myself in the bathroom mirror, trying to remind my heart of all the reasons it was impossible for me to even consider her as an acceptable partner. Sometimes I thought I heard my heart laughing in response. I had begun to question my sanity.

I hadn't even caught a glimpse of Lizzie during the past three days. The need to see her built up exponentially every day that I was deprived of her. I was on edge, desperate to see her again, if only for a few precious minutes. All day I'd consoled myself with the knowledge that the whole company would be attending the Halloween party. When Charlotte informed me that Lizzie wasn't coming, something snapped inside me. The irrational desires of my heart and my need to see her overwhelmed my rational mind. I felt like a volcano ready to explode. I had to see Lizzie right now. Fueled by something close to madness, I marched back to the office building. I knocked on her open door.

I said, "Excuse me Lizzie."

She turned toward me in surprise. "Darcy."

"I need to speak with you." I closed the door behind me.

"This really isn't a good time."

"Are you all right?"

"I'm not actually."

We both started talking at the same time. She was trying to stop me but there was no stopping me now, this runaway train was barreling full speed ahead.

I said, "Please let me explain."

She flailed her arms. "This is the worst possible time you could be doing this!"

Her distress didn't register with me. "I'm sorry, but the last few months have been crazy. I 've been hiding something from you that I shouldn't have and I can't anymore. I need to admit something to you. Please sit."

She sat down and said, "Well, this should be good."

I followed her gaze and realized she was speaking into a camera. The red light was on. "You're filming."

"If you've got something to say to me, you say it here and now."

A camera wasn't going to stop me. Nothing could deter me now, not even my rational mind, which was screaming at me to stop. I blurted out, "I didn't come to Collins & Collins to monitor corporate progress, I came here to see you."

"Okay."

My arguments against her spilled out in a torrent. "Two parts of me have been at war. Your odd family, your financial trouble, you're in a different world than me. People expect me to travel in certain circles and I do respect the wishes of my family, but not today." I paused for a split second before admitting the truth I'd long avoided. "I've been fighting against this for months now, but Lizzie Bennet, I'm in love with you."

Her mouth dropped open in surprise as she turned toward the camera with her eyes wide.

I was slightly giddy with relief, now that I'd admitted the truth to myself as well as to her. "I can't believe it either, that my heart could completely overwhelm my judgment."

She retorted, "I hope that your judgment can be some solace in your rejection, because those feelings are not mutual."

It took a few moments for me to process the impossible meaning of her words. "Are you rejecting me?"

"Does that surprise you?"

I'd been guarding myself against gold diggers for so long that I couldn't even comprehend anyone actually rejecting me. I said defensively, "May I ask why?"

"May I ask why you're even here, in spite of your social class, the wishes of your family and your own better judgment?"

I realized the harshness of my words as they were thrown back in my face, but the truth of them remained. "That was badly put. But that's the world we live in in. Social classes are a real thing. People who think otherwise live in a fantasy."

"And that's just the beginning of a long list of reasons why I'm rejecting you."

How could she possibly have a long list? "Such as?"

"Such as the nicest thing you've ever said about me was that I was 'decent enough'. You act like you'd rather have a hernia repaired than be around me. You have a checklist for what makes an accomplished woman. Don't even get me started on what you did to Jane!"

I wasn't going to apologize for not being prone to flattery, but I might have to admit my part in saving Bing from her sister. "What about Jane?"

"You took the heart of my sister, the kindest soul on the planet and tore it in half."

I was surprised to hear that she thought her sister had been injured. I hadn't thought she truly cared about Bing. "I didn't mean…"

"And why? Why did you do it, Darcy? Does causing pain to those of us in lower social standing give you joy?"

I was proud of protecting Bing, not of causing anyone pain. "No, I simply doubted her long term faith in the relationship. I watched her dealings with other men. At your local bar that night Bing was away, she was being very social."

She retorted, "That's because she's nice."

"And what about his own birthday, her indiscretion?"

"Indiscretion?"

"While he was entertaining his guests, she was engaging with another man,

I saw it with my own eyes." I'd seen her laughing and smiling with another man in what appeared to be the same way she'd laughed and smiled with Bing.

"That's a lie."

"It was then clear to me that her feeling for him were fleeting and she never truly cared for him as he did for her."

She shouted, "Are you kidding me?"

"From that point on, I never believed that her feeling for him were nothing more than simply her kindness. I was protecting him."

"Protecting him or protecting his wealth? Did you really think Jane was dating him for the money?"

"Well it was made pretty clear to me that she would be an advantageous relationship for her."

"By Jane?"

"No, but by her family, your family."

"My family?" Her voice cut off as she spoke.

I pressed on emphatically, venting my objections to her family. "Your energetic younger sister and especially your mother. Every discussion, every moment I observed her, she would blabber about Jane and Bing. It defined and consumed her life." I clarified, trying to explain the difference in how I viewed her. "I'm sorry… I never thought of you that way."

She ignored my olive branch and stabbed me with a poisonous subject. "And what about George Wickham?"

The mention of Wickham's name fired me up again. "What about him?"

"What imaginary act of friendship caused you to do what you did to him?"

"You seem unnervingly interested in his concerns."

"He told me of his struggle."

"Oh yeah, his life has been quite a struggle." That bastard hadn't done a day of real work in his life.

"You destroyed his life and then make jokes about it."

Wickham had evidently been spinning a web of lies. "So this is what you think of me. Thank you for explaining it all to me so eloquently."

"And thank you for proving time and time again that your arrogance, pride and selfishness make you the last man in the world I could ever fall in love with."

Her words stung me to the core. I had no defense for that. "I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain, I should have acted differently. I was unaware of your feelings towards me."

"You were unaware?" She turned back to the camera. "Then why don't you watch my videos?"

I looked at the camera. "What videos?"

I went straight back to my hotel, barely able to see straight as a mix of emotions swirled inside me. I needed to defend myself against her allegations about my character. I had to set the record straight. She must understand that I wasn't the man she had described and rejected so vehemently. I wasn't even truly the man who had burst into her office and demanded that she listen to me. I had lost control of myself today for the first time in many years.

I felt like I was suffocating. I loosened my tie and unbuttoned my collar. I sat down and wrote a Lizzie a letter. I was much better at expressing myself in written form. First, I defended myself regarding my protection of my friend, Bing, who fell in love too easily for his own good. I had been certain that Jane didn't feel as strongly about him as he did for her. It wasn't the first time I'd protected the too-trusting Bing and I was proud of being a good friend to him. My pride was justified in this case. When I finished that section, the curiosity that had been incessantly nagging at me got the best of me.

It wasn't difficult to find Lizzie's videos on YouTube. When she started talking about me, I poured myself a glass of my father's favorite scotch. It gave me liquid courage and made me feel connected to my father, who had been a truly good man. Jane's obvious pain when she talked about Bing leaving punched me in the gut. Maybe I had been wrong about Jane's feelings after all. Maybe, like me, she didn't show her feelings to the world. I felt even worse as I realized that Jane had tried to portray me in a positive way during her costume theater performances as me. Lizzie's latest video from three days ago showed Fitz proudly telling Lizzie how I'd saved Bing from a gold digger that she knew to be her sister. I swallowed hard. I better understood why she'd been so angry today and perhaps why I hadn't seen her for the last three days. There was probably no way I could have approached her today with a favorable result, even if I hadn't lost control.

I cringed as I thought about the way my behavior would appear if she posted today's video. I wasn't even sure what I had said anymore. I hadn't been able to stop myself. I hadn't been sensitive to what Lizzie had said at all, I'd only vented my own feelings of being in love, complete with my arguments against her. I had been overwhelmed with emotions that I was ill equipped to convey, then my temper had taken over as I tried to defend myself after she rejected me. I'd essentially reinforced every negative opinion she already had about me.

I pulled out the faded photo of my parents that I kept inside my wallet. I wished I could talk to my father tonight about how I felt about Lizzie and how badly I'd messed everything up. I felt like he would understand. I frowned as I realized how ashamed my parents would have been if they had actually witnessed my behavior today. My father had entertained movie executives with an easy grace. He could talk to anyone about anything and instantly gain their good opinion. I wished I could have inherited that trait, but I hadn't. It was painfully difficult for me to talk to people unless it was business-related. I was completely at a loss when it came to small talk. I knew that it was a social requirement, but I didn't understand the point of talking to people about trifling subjects such as the weather or how their day had been. I couldn't do anything to change either one of those things so what was the purpose of discussing it?

Watching Lizzie's videos had a profound effect on me. I was able to objectively analyze my own behavior toward her. Lizzie had perceived my worst qualities during our interactions because she'd primarily seen the result of my internal struggle to reject her. She was right, I hadn't said anything nice about her. I hadn't let myself even think many nice things about her beyond recognizing her intelligence and wit. My heart was to blame for perceiving her other good qualities and warming to her with no additional encouragement from my mind.

Lizzie had certainly picked up on my social awkwardness, which had been brought to new heights during my attempts to interact with her. My best friend, Fitz, had even said I had the social skills of an agoraphobic lobster. It stung, but I knew he was right. Lizzie had called me many things, including a malfunctioning robot. Reflecting on my own behavior when I became overwhelmed and often wordless around her, I could understand why. But I wasn't a heartless robot, I experienced strong feelings. I just did my best to mask them in order to avoid showing weakness. My habit of hiding my feelings was cemented during the long fight to take control of my father's company after his death, when most of the Board of Directors at the time had opposed me for being too young.

Lizzie's videos also gave me further insight into her personality, her sense of humor, and her love for her family and friends. I was helpless to stop my heart from falling even deeper in love with her. Her videos enabled me to enjoy an intimacy with her that I hadn't been able to achieve on my own. I was grateful for that at least. As the last of my anger and indignation faded, a deep sadness and regret washed over me. The consequence of finally admitting to myself that I was in love with Lizzie was that the crushing pain of her rejection was sinking in.

I poured myself another glass of scotch and finished writing my letter. I revealed the truth about George Wickham and his involvement with my family, the way he had endeared himself to my father to gain an inheritance, the way I had honored my father's wishes despite already finding out the truth about George's true character, and the way he'd gotten more money out of me by preying on my innocent little sister. I slammed my fist on the desk as I recalled the way Gigi's face had fallen when George took the check and dropped her without a second thought. My heart broke for my sister as I tried to help Gigi struggle with her grief and rebuild her shattered self confidence. I cursed myself for failing to keep Gigi safe from that soul-sucking monster. I hadn't forgiven myself for the pain she'd endured. I would give anything to keep her from ever feeling like that ever again. I'd felt nauseous when I watched Wickham flirt with Lizzie on her videos and lie about me. I couldn't stop myself from being jealous of the way she smiled and looked at him—a way she'd never looked at me and likely never would. I was immensely relieved that she hadn't gotten too entangled with him. I'd like to think that she was too skeptical to fall for his hollow gestures, but George had fooled plenty of people before, including my father and even myself as a boy.

I finished the letter and sealed it with my family's crest. Tomorrow, I would be on my best behavior when I delivered the letter to Lizzie. Even if she never changed her mind about me being the last man in the world that she could ever fall in love with, my rational mind just wanted to show her that I was capable of being polite. My heart had larger aspirations and was determined to somehow prove that she had misjudged me.