A/N:

This was the most time consuming and emotional and difficult piece I have written so far, so I hope you enjoyed reading.

It's the last chapter, so please take a moment and write me a few words and let me know if you liked the story till the end : )

Toni can't stop counting.

She knows that now – nothing happens, nothing changes. Her body stays the same and everything else should, too, even if it feels like an illusion. By the time Rhodey comes, it's sixteen weeks. By the time he leaves, it's seventeen because he managed to bargain for a week of holidays after the few months away that ended with a big success.

During the week, Rhodey helps Toni cook, they watch movies and gossip and do a lot of work. Toni installs the War Machine upgrades and makes specs for yet another set of better quality repulsors that she installs in Mark IX. Rhodey doesn't make her talk and doesn't impose; Toni wonders if he's always been like that and she never noticed, or maybe he changed a bit, too, because of her.

She lets him see the printouts from ultrasound, but doesn't look at them herself, not yet.

The time is calming and pleasant and the world outside seems to reflect it, even though the only time Toni goes out is for a test flight with the new repulsors; Pepper relocates the one meeting Toni can't skip to Stark Tower, so she only has to take the elevator down. It's never said aloud, but they let her stay in the space that feels safe.

Rhodey leaves and it's two weeks after, so Toni has an appointment with Sheryl and the doctor that operated her to check up if everything is healing nicely; apparently it is.

'That's good,' Sheryl concludes at the end of the visit.

'I wish it weren't, because I don't feel better – how long does it take for it to pass? The feelings – even though it didn't happen in the end –'

It's probably the only time she purposely makes herself that vulnerable, and the only time she lets herself say it out loud.

'Don't say that,' Sheryl scolds Toni, sweeping her into an embrace. 'I know you don't think that. It was your baby, as real as any, sweetheart. And – no matter how much you think you're prepared for a child, you will be stunned by the capacity you have to love.'

Toni nods, because what else can she do, and lets the woman go. She doesn't let herself dwell too much on what it means, that the only person she can confide in is a half-stranger, because the rest is either too close or too far away.

Back in the workshop, Toni orders Jarvis to put up the plans of arc rector-powered SI towers in LA and Chicago that still need her approval of the energy distribution before anything else can be done.

For some reasons – psychosomatic, yes, of course – her abdomen aches a bit, and it's a ghost reminder of the first time she woke up feeling something there, and the fact that she knows she's perfectly healthy and nothing's happening makes her so angry.

It's all – out of control. She is out of control.

'Let's get done with this, and give me the reports from R&D for the first half a year, I need to look at them and see the stats. Put them on hologram, pie charts, J,' Toni orders, sitting by the big desk and drowning the nearest cup of coffee, set down a few minutes before by You. It still feels bitter and burning at her palate that had enough time to grew unused to the flavor.

Sometime later, when it's dark outside, Jarvis tells her she should stop and eat something, or at least have some rest since she's been working for six hours without any break at all. Toni frowns at that, because it means it's the time already when Pepper is out for Europe and she hasn't realized.

'I don't have time for all that,' she replies, making a vague hand movement meaning nothing in particular, but Jarvis reads between the lines. She's just running away, and it's not working because it can't. 'There are important things I need to do,' she adds with the tired anger that's been boiling inside her for a few days now.

'Grief is not self-indulgence,' the A.I. states and Toni pretends to ignore him, but in the end she can't. Because he's right. There's not running away from herself.

So she asks Jarvis to save the changes and goes up, takes a long shower and drinks hot cocoa with the tiniest splash of almond liqueur, and goes to bed. It's all much easier that she thought it would be. Then she cries herself to sleep and it's okay, too.

Two days later, Rogers makes another call for the Avengers. Toni is kind of surprised they still count her in, but that's probably because she can fly and they consider her necessary to do the group job at the lowest possible cost, counted in bruises and scrapes.

'I don't think you should go,' Jarvis tells her. It's the middle of the day but Toni is still in her pajamas, sitting cross-legged on the workshop floor and eating yogurt with a plastic spoon, though her attention is really divided between trying to control what the bots are doing – they are supposed to do tests to a new fabric and record the results – and staring out of the window at the view of New York bathed in sun under her feet.

She never liked hot and sunny weather, not after Afghanistan, and it's going to give her a bad feeling again.

'Prepare the suit, Jarvis. You know what they will be like anyway. I, I need to be out there, like, yesterday –'

'I don't care what your team may think, ma'am,' Jarvis cuts in. 'You should take your time. Be gentle with yourself.'

'J, life doesn't work like that –'

'It can if you let it, ma'am. And instead, you're trying to do what everyone expects you to and what you don't really want. Why do you keep doing that?'

'They need me,' Toni replies, putting on the undersuit. The fabric is elastic, so it's still perfect fit. She tries not to think about it.

'They won't share the sentiment and be there when you need them, you know that, ma'am.'

'I know,' Toni agrees, keeping her voice steady and doing at her best at being neutral. 'Let's fly,' she adds when the armor is wrapped around her body; Jarvis lets her go on top speed down to the edges of Long Island where some aliens managed to make a makeshift wormhole. Toni is starting to suspect that after the Chitauri, New York's been made kind of reference point for anyone who tries to invade the earth, because honestly.

She checks in with the team down on the ground and gets a two-sentence order.

'Stark, you want to stay for debrief this time or we'll be very angry with you,' Rogers finishes and disappears before she can answer. O-kay.

'Let's dance,' she tells Jarvis and the suit is in the air again, flying gracefully, spinning and somersaulting and swimming between the ugly but well armored aliens, taking them out methodically, one by one, missing nothing. The A.I. lets Toni shoot without calibrating anytime it's clear a clear shot and there is no danger of someone attacking her in the meantime; it feels good, Toni is almost scared of how great it is to release the anger, to let herself go, to give herself in to the madness; she knows it's heartless, trying to find a release in killing someone – but they are aliens, and trying to take over the world and already have killed a good few dozen civilians, despite Avengers' best effort.

It matches perfectly with how inhuman she feels, how wrong she feels – but she's not going to turn into a villain, mind you, because killing is not pleasant, it's necessary – and is in perfect opposition to how she has been passive, tired, static.

Maybe she's just a little insane – but at least it makes her deadly, when she need to be.

The fight is long, though, and despite being in the suit, she's exhausted by the end of it. That's a mixture of battle-weary, sitting around for too long, and not eating enough. Probably. But Toni's been a good fighter, and it's as much as counts for now.

After the wormhole is closed, the Avengers deal with remaining aliens; it's quick and easy and half an hour later they are sitting in debrief on Helicarrier, all still in gear. It's around midnight by then.

Toni's in the armor, too, just because she can. She says as little as possible, being detailed and technical in her report and letting Jarvis modulate her voice through Iron Woman helmet instead of streaming her own. Of course, everyone must think it is to annoy them, but the truth is Toni doesn't feel like keeping her voice strong and steady just for them, she – she hasn't been too good at that, lately. Unless it's bullshitting businessmen.

'You stay, Stark,' Fury tells her when they finish talking about the mission. Toni looks around and no one is moving away from the table.

'What is it this time?' She asks, because honestly, there are a few issues they might have on their minds, and she's not sure which one the whole deal is about.

'You disappeared before the debrief last time, and never answered any calls,' Rogers states, getting up and starting to walk there and back, what is irritating like hell. 'You're being irresponsible again and we can't just let you get away with it.'

'So what, you plan on kidnapping and torturing me?' she shots back. It's easy, she could do it all day, she's been doing it all her life: Hiding sore spots. Attacking in defense. Lying to herself and everyone around.

'What was so urgent that you couldn't come?' Rogers asks, the rest of the team nodding to that and staring at her questioningly, and Toni is fucking glad they can't see her face, because it's – raw.

She doesn't answer.

'What, no excuses, Stark?' Barton quips in. 'We haven't seen your pretty face in the gossip rags either, why, are you hiding away?' (Toni can stay calm, please, she can, just breathe, okay?) 'Or maybe trying to hide something from the world?'

She can stay calm and act responsible, she really can, she tells herself although she wants to strangle them all or go away and never fucking come back, but she can stay calm – breathe.

But – a fraction of second later, though it feels like ages – Roger's eyebrows shoot up in a polite questioning way, and then Romanov and Hill share a small but obvious smirk.

And then Toni can't do it.

She wasn't planning on telling them, not yet, because it's like rubbing salt in a wound, it's feelings that make her vulnerable. They said that at the beginning, didn't they, that she is not fit to be a mother, and they were right, and it's embarrassing and maddening and –

Don't. Say. Alex.

'The baby's gone,' she snaps, getting up. 'Are you satisfied now?' she adds fiercely and gives them a long look – they look impasse, besides Banner who is frowning; Romanov and Hill, the two fucking bitches, hold her gaze in a perfect I told you so impression and it hurts so much that Toni thinks they can't, can't be human – then she storms out of the room, disregards any kind of safely regulations and flies through the corridors to the usual exit, letting Jarvis navigate, and when she's out in the air she can finally breathe.

When Toni's back at the tower, Jarvis takes the armor off her, then she peels off the undersuit, discards it somewhere and goes straight into the shower.

'Music, Jarvis,' she orders quietly, standing in the middle of the rain-like flow. 'Something loud,' she adds. Between the water encompassing her body and deafening Deep Purple's songs she can pretend she's not crying again.

She's not sure how, but she doesn't throw up although she feels like it, remembering the team's stares, and she falls asleep on the sofa, covered with fluffy terry bathrobe.

The sun wakes Toni up, it's warm rays crawling up her bare calves. The penthouse is filled with a scent of coffee and when she sits up, she notices there is a steaming mug sitting on the table; she grabs it and takes a sip: it's perfect, with the exact amount of brown sugar and a splash of cream, like she loves.

In the light of the day yesterday seems – like a bad dream.

She gets up and walks across the room barefoot, feeling the cold marble with every square inch of her exposed skin, then goes down to workshop, still with the mug in one hand, taking an occasional sip.

The bots are working already, still testing the new fabric since they are supposed to do that until it breaks or until it's definite that they are not able to make a tear. They look at her as she goes inside, but soon turn around and keep doing their jobs for once.

Toni takes a few breathes but then decides that no, she's not going to be the coward that everyone takes her for, so she walks up to the main desk, digs out the envelope and leaves the shop quickly. She goes up, sits on the floor in a puddle of sunlight that feels good and indecent at the same time, and takes the two pictures out.

'Ma'am, the bots are sending me queries about your well-being,' Jarvis states when she traces the edges of photographs with her fingers and takes in the tingling sensation. Of course the bots would, she thinks, that's me who coded them, no?

'I'm all right,' she replies, not taking her eyes off the pictures.

'I will tell them that, ma'am, but we both know this is a lie.'

'You are so blunt, J.'

'I learned from the best,' the A.I. replies immediately.

'I told them yesterday I lost the baby – Alex – and… I can't believe I did. I wasn't ready, I'm not ready now, would I ever be ready, J? I don't want them to know. I don't want everyone to know.'

'I – I don't know what to say, ma'am,' Jarvis replies, making Toni close her eyes and smile a little.

'I don't want to ever have to go out from here,' Toni continues. 'I don't want to look at them. I don't want them to look at me – anyone. And they will, they will all stare because they always do.'

'I wish I could help you somehow, ma'am.'

'You already have,' Toni tells the A.I. before putting the photos back into the envelope and leaving it on her lap; it gives her an irrational burning feeling. She doesn't get up until the sun has moved and she feels cold.

Week eighteen and she's at 150% with SI work. Pepper comes by every day for at least a few minutes, but usually they spend at least one or two hours eating and arguing over the paperwork, like they used to before. The meetings are still taking place in the Tower exclusively and no one has seen Toni Stark out in some time, but she just has Jarvis cut her off from the gossip and it's easy.

Pepper tries to tell her she should go out, but Toni changes the subject each time and after a few attempts the CEO stops.

Jarvis doesn't, though, because he knows Toni better.

'I understand you wanting to stay in a safe place, ma'am,' he says. 'Because it's a controlled space. But it's not healthy and you are well aware of it, since you're a genius. I know they – hurt you, ma'am. I know you don't want to let them again, and I don't wasn't to see you hurt again either. But you could also be avoiding the good things,' Jarvis replies.

'You're right,' Toni says pensively. Of course she's known that, but only known.

Week nineteen (almost a month) and she calls Rhodey, asking him if he thinks he could find time to meet up with her one evening. He says he'll be there the next day at seven. Toni thinks it's awfully easy but doesn't complain.

'I need you to take me away from here,' she says without saying hello and she can see understanding flashing in Rhodey's eyes. He calls Happy and soon they are in one of the more subtle retro clubs, with a man playing the piano rather than pole strippers. He makes her eat more food than she thought she could manage, and lets her get pleasantly drunk in a perfectly controlled way, with enough water drunk in the meantime that she knows she won't even be hung-over on the morning.

It's okay. It's normal.

Maybe she can still do normal, Toni thinks when Rhodey puts her to bed.

In the morning he is gone, so she spends the day working on Mark X, because she suddenly has some brilliant ideas. Jarvis doesn't comment, but Toni knows he's pleased that she listened to him.

That evening she lets herself look at her own body closer that a flicker of a reflection; she undresses in the bathroom and stands in front of the mirror. She knows she lost the pounds that it took her months to gain within two weeks. She feels wrong in the body anyway because it shouldn't be like this, she should be – growing. Along with Alex.

But Alex will always stay her tiny baby, yes, she avoids pronouns on purpose.

She keeps the shower brief and sneaks into the soft blankets that wait for her on the bed. She calls Rhodey, cries to the phone without telling him what brought it on, and falls asleep to Jarvis playing some soft music in the background.

In the morning she finds Rhodey sitting by the table and eating a tuna sandwich.

'What are you doing here, buttercup? Saved some food for me?' she asks, circling around the big kitchen isle and walking up to the coffee machine.

'Jarvis has some waffles saved for you.'

'Saved?' Toni wonders, leaning against the counter and running hand through her hair, suddenly noticing that it's gotten long since she hasn't cut it in a few good months.

'Pepper was here earlier, but didn't want to wake you up.'

'I think I don't get something here,' Toni states, taking the mug with her drink impatiently and adding her usual. 'Why was Pepper here?'

'She wanted to check up on you, but it wasn't necessary –'

'What Colonel Rhodes is trying not to tell you, ma'am, is that yesterday night there was an assemble call from the Avengers but I decided not to let you know and notified the colonel instead, and he took part in the fight instead of Iron Woman.'

Oh, Toni thinks, now they are going to have her fucking head, thinking she's hiding –

'I made sure they knew why it was me and not you, Toni,' Rhodey cuts through her thoughts. 'We had a few words. They will apologize –'

'I don't want any apologies! And I – I told you I could do my own fights!'

'I know you can, Toni, but I'm not going to let you if you get hurt in the process – no, I don't want to hear anything from you. I won't see you hurt like that. Jarvis told me what happened, why the hell would you let them act like that? Let them behave like they did?'

Toni puts the mug back on the counter and looks away sharply, but doesn't answer.

'I thought so,' Rhodey states. 'You really are a moron, Toni – you believed them, right? That you don't deserve a child. That you are not fit to be a parent.'

'Apparently mother nature thinks so, too,' Toni spats angrily, because anger is better than breaking down again, again, she should have started to move on by now, right? She should have.

'I know it's hard to believe, Toni, but – it's not the end of the world. I know I shouldn't say that, hell, it's probably in all the how not to behave manuals. I know it hurts, I can't imagine how much, I can't even begin to phantom, but I'll be with you for as long as you need, even if it's months, years. Okay?'

'Okay,' Toni says, because what else can she do.

'It will pass,' Jarvis adds, his voice so soft again, it gives Toni shivers. 'You will heal.'

'…I know,' she says after a short pause, reassuring them both, and maybe herself, too.

'Do you think you will want another child?' Rhodey asks softly, voicing the question that Toni's been asking herself for a long time, but she knows the answer by now.

'No,' she declares firmly. 'No, I won't.'

Later that day she takes out the pictures and pins them to the fridge, just like in all the movies, so that she can look at them whenever she wants.

Week twenty is when she finally gets out on her own. She goes to hairdressers, cuts her hair short, buys some comfortable pretty clothes and puts them on, together with big sunglasses, and wanders aimlessly around the city. No one recognizes her. She smiles at all the pregnant women and mothers with children, even if it's a quick sharp pain every time, and discovers they almost always smile back.

The outside is – overwhelming, there is so much going on, with all the people and noises and scents and colours mixed, with all the activity and happiness and despair and love and hate. It seems to different here that from above.

It might be the good thing, Toni thinks, smiling as she remembers Jarvis' words.

She buys herself ice cream, walks along the streets as the sun slowly sets, reflected in skyscrapers' shiny surfaces and shining into everyone's eyes, going lower and lower. Toni goes back home when the streets are filled with night's ocean-scented chilly air that make her shiver.

Week twenty two, there is another assemble call and she lets Rhodey go again; twenty five and Toni goes herself and kicks asses of some villains as effectively as ever, or maybe a little better since Mark X is amazing. She goes to debrief out of the armor, wearing her usual outfit that hugs her thin frame nicely.

No one can look her in the eye. Hill walks out of the room when she sees Toni. Rogers and Banner apologize stiffly, clearly uncomfortable; she nods at them without a word, keeping her blank face unchanged. Barton looks a bit like he might throw up. Romanov – she meets Toni's gaze for a few seconds, before hanging her head and it's as close to shame as Toni has ever saw from the woman.

Fury says nothing, but he does tell her good job, it's more than he's ever done to acknowledge Toni's help.

It doesn't mean Toni can forgive them, but she's not running away. It's her responsibility to save the world, in the end.

Week thirty, they are called in again and Barton asks if they could talk. Toni is tired and all achy, since she's been tossed around in the suit a few times; she thinks it might be concussion speaking or something, but she agrees.

'I don't know why you even want to talk to me,' he starts. Toni raises her eyebrows. 'I don't think I deserve the right to apologize. And I will understand if you hate me.'

'I could say: I know you didn't really mean that and it would make things easier,' Toni replies. 'I think you did.'

'I –' Barton start, but she doesn't let him finish.

'It would be okay if it was all about me, Barton, because I'm aware what I've been like all my life – but it wasn't, more than about me it was about Alex –'

Oh fuck, she didn't mean to say the name, no one is supposed to know but the few people – it's time to retreat, it seems.

'So I might forgive you – you all – but it's going to take time,' she adds and basically runs away.

Week thirty one, Pepper lets herself throw a tantrum and shout at Toni, calling her names and despairing; when she notices what she's done she starts to apologize, but Toni is laughing. Pepper gets the hint, understanding that it's okay to be – like before, now, that Toni is ready. The CEO calls her a lot of things during the next week, Toni talks back, and Jarvis gets a tad more snarkier than he's been recently, too. Week thirty four, Jarvis asks her to fly by the 5th Ave Mansion as she's testing another new gadget for Mark X. Toni does what he wants, because she's used to the A.I.'s strange ideas. It's evening, so the city lights flicker before her eyes as the armor heads for the location –

There are candles in all of the Mansion's windows.

'What is it all about, J?' Toni asks, hovering it the air for a few seconds – and apparently, it's enough for someone to notice, since a second later she has an adhesive arrow stuck to the middle of her helmet; she unsticks it from the armor and notices there is a little box attached to it.

'It's October 15th, ma'am. I believe it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.'

Toni freezes inside the suit.

'Take me home, J,' she commands, giving the candlelit house last long look.

There is a bracelet in the box, Toni can tell it's handmade: simple silver one made of tiny rings connected to an oval plaque with Alex engraved onto it, in a sloppy and cute way. She puts it on, lights a candle herself and stays up the night in the workshop, with Dummy and You and Butterfingers and the mini bot, letting Jarvis technobabble for hours and laughing a bit hysterically at his witty comments.

Week thirty seven, there is a particularly gruesome and exhausting fight and Helicarrier is damaged in the process, so it's drifting into a hidden dock somewhere and Toni invites the Avengers to the tower instead, because it can provide hot water to clean all the blood off, some good food, and enough space for everyone to sleep. It's the second step in the truce dance.

Toni knows they stare at the printouts on the fridge as Jarvis is in the process of making hot cocoa for everyone, but no one mention anything. Toni is glad.

Week thirty nine is cold and snowy already, and Toni misses the sun. It's more difficult to remember now, when everything around looks so different.

'This is the only proof that Alex was ever real,' Toni tells Jarvis as she stares frozen at the photos, stunned by the fact that all the time has passed already, and at the thought that things are – getting better.

'It doesn't have to be,' Jarvis replies.

Something clicks in Toni's head and a wide radiant smile crawls across her face.

Week forty, Toni cries so much.

She doesn't need to let herself do that anymore.

And then she spends the day with Rhodey and Pepper, since they both have arranged to have the it off. They watch movies, play virtual games with Jarvis in the shop and pet the mini bot. They eat dinner, get just a tiny bit drunk on girly cocktails and talk. They laugh.

Then Toni says she did something, a few days ago, because it felt wrong to stay unmarred; all this time has passed and she still freaks out at staying – unchanged. She pulls up the t-shirt and shows them a small tattoo on her lower abdomen that's just four letters, a and l and e and x. They smile because Toni smiles, too, a little sadly maybe, but it's okay.

Week forty, she should be sweaty and tired and dirty, holding a bloody baby to her chest and breathing easily for the first time in weeks. She isn't. Life goes on.

Toni thinks that sometime, she will be ready to say this in front of everyone: I lost a baby, too. Alex. And – I know you can never forget, but you can heal.

Look around it, have you found it

Walking down the avenue?

See what it brings,

could be good things

In the air for you.