Erza Teaches

LT: Hey, everyone, this is the first chapter of my new fanfic, and i just hope it gets a better reception than my OTHER work. mutters about the evil readers, the state of the economy, and soft furnishings. any-whore, I invited my good friend Natsu to help me introduce this whole business... Hey, Natsu!

Natsu: 'Sup, L.T? looking forward to getting this show on the road?

L.T: That's right, Natsu, but i don't think you'll be in such a good mood by the end of this chapter. cackles evilly

Natsu: you what?! What depraved nonsense are you going to make me suffer with now?! Starts trying to throttle L.T

L.T: SECURITY!

Gray appears, sighs heavily, and freezes Natsu solid then drags him off

L.T: Thanks a bunch, Gay-err, sorry, GRAY-URRK-!

Gray freezes L.T solid, drags him off, comes back.

Gray: sorry about those morons, they'll thaw out in a couple of chapters-sound of smashing ice err, I'm gonna check on that, enjoy the story.

CHAPTER ONE

It started out as a (relatively) normal morning at the Fairy Tail Guild.

Natsu Dragneel, Fairy Tail's number one dunderhead, was squaring off against Gray Fullbuster. Forehead to forehead, red flames towering around Natsu, blue for Gray, insulting each other for all they were worth. Just another day. Until... Lucy Heartfilia, the newest member of the guild, threw open the doors, rushed down the hall and leapt over the bar, knocking Cana's drink over. "Ya liddle punk!" Cana snarled, but, before she could get into her stride, the sound of metal crunching on stone reached her ears. She turned, using an enhancement ability to increase her line of sight, and froze. (Not like Natsu, who was literally encased in a block of ice, courtesy of the Ice-Make Mage, who was standing there, somehow in his shorts, as usual.)Cana spluttered, forgetting Lucy for the moment, started shaking like a whore in a barracks, stuttered, "Er...Er-Er...", and then crashed to the floor, thumping her skull on the bar top. Lucy peeked over the bar, then shrieked as Happy, Natsu's feline companion, piped up, "what's wrong, Loony?" "Oh, just you, Happy", she said, and then... "Hey, WAITAMINUTE! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME, YA DAMN CAT!" "Sorry, Lucy", apologised a shamefaced sky-cat, pulling a "kitty-eyes?" face. Lucy tried to stay pissed off, but couldn't. "Aaaww, you're just too damn cute to get mad at," she giggled, tickling Happy under the chin, causing him to roll around trying to get away. After she stopped, Happy asked her, "so, what were you so scared about, Lucy?".

Immediately, Lucy started shivering like a leaf in a hurricane, turned even paler than Gray's ice, and slid bonelessly to the floor. Natsu finally freed himself from the giant ice cube he'd been trapped in, looked around, and shouted, "OI, WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?" . A blade-sharp, but still feminine voice rang out imperiously, "oh, do stop shouting, Natsu. You're behaving like a Celestial Spirit in a ceramics warehouse." Natsu turned, stared briefly, then said nonchalantly, "oh, hey Erza. Didn't see you there". Erza Scarlet, the Fairy Tail Guild's number one armoured Re-quip specialist, stood there, glowering at Natsu. Even his cocky grin couldn't survive more than a few seconds. Erza grabbed him by the scarf, yanked him forward, and growled, "You are to report to my rooms after the evening briefing. Master Makarov has assigned me an 3-star mission, and you are key to it's completion. DON'T be late." Bewildered, Natsu looked around, trying to work out what had just happened to him. Gray was no-where to be seen, Cana and Lucy were still unconscious, and he was standing in a deserted main guildhall. Suddenly, a drop of freezing cold water hit him on the tip of his nose.

Looking up, the source was revealed to be Gray, clinging impossibly to one of the chandeliers, quaking as if he'd finally realised that ice is cold. Then, with a snap! That cracked three windows, Gray plummeted to earth, landing on top of Natsu, Happy, and the barrel that a groggy Cana was just preparing to broach, as she felt the need for some fortification. The shards of glass the cascaded up and outwards sliced into the barrel like a hail of arrows, ripping the aged oaken cask apart like a hot sword through wet silk. Cana screamed in outrage at the loss of a rare barrel of irreplaceable wine, and froze as a crawling sensation ran up her spine. Turning round, Cana's tear-filled, bloodshot eyes looked straight into the hazel eyes of Fairy Tail's strongest combat-mage, who left quickly, throwing a parting glance at Natsu. Lucy could almost swear that Erza was...blushing?!

For the second time in twenty of the longest minutes of her life, Cana Alberona slammed onto her back, her eyes dizzy spirals, straight into a puddle of V.E.B(Very Expensive Booze) while Lucy staggered to her feet, stared around at the near-total destruction of the Fairy Tail Great Hall, at the piles of antique furniture that had become piles of antique matchwood, at the bar, which had a fissure running from one end to the other, at the snow-fall of shattered glass, and at the mighty doors that opened onto Magnolia Town's main plaza. One of the huge doors, each carved from a single piece of wood so ancient, that it had achieved a chemical composition somewhat akin to diamond, was currently lying in the centre of the square, with stunned onlookers peering nervously in. An eruption of heat and cold caused Lucy to whirl around, and see...Natsu headlocking Gray, Gray elbowing Natsu in the ribs, and Happy swooping around the pair, bombarding them with fish heads from his neck-bag-thing. Lucy strode up to Natsu, and asked, "Soooo...? What did Erza want?" Natsu, again encased up to his neck in ice, leaving his head free, twisted to face her. "I d-d-dun-n-nno, m-m-maybe sh-sh-she just wants a f-f-FWACHOO!" He said. Lucy sweat-dropped at the young idiot, who had somehow tipped his ice cube over, and seemed to be drowning in a puddle. Suddenly, a chill swept through her, and she looked down to see that she'd wet herself in the terror and confusion of Erza's arrival. "OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched an extremely embarrassed blonde who cupped her hands in front of her, looked around for a second, then dashed off home to run herself a ridiculously deep, much too bubbly, steaming hot bath. She spent the rest of the day in it.

Meanwhile: Gray finished de-icing his rival, helped him up, and poured him a drink. (A/n: Gray and Natsu are slightly friendlier in my fic.) somehow, Gray's clothes had reappeared, and they sat down on the only two barstools that remained intact, trying to calm themselves down. "so, Natsu. What DID Erza want with you?! Natsu replied, "she mentioned something about a three-star mission..." "WHAT?!... THAT'S SO UNFAIR!" howled Gray. "I'm WAY stronger than you, I should be going on that mission!" Natsu sweatdropped, and told the livid mage, "well, she said Makarov had selected me as her miss-part (A/N: MISSion PARTner), so just talk to him, maybe he can work something out. "Good idea, Natsu!" praised a smug-looking Ice-make mage. Dashing off, Natsu headed towards Erza's lodgings, to find out more about this mysterious Three-star mission.

Sounds of fighting, breaking glass, splintering wood and metal clanging against metal come from the ceiling

Gray: "AW CRA-a whole salmon whups him upside the headUUH!"

L.T and Natsu appear from a trapdoor in the ceiling

L.T and Natsu: "Aw YEAH!" hive fives all round...except for Gray

L.T: "so, Natsu, this is what happens to you guys on a regular basis?"

Natsu: "yep, but today's actually been rather quiet...hold on, how did you break out of that icy prison?"

L.T: "ahahah! That's the power of my Author's Plot Armor of Awesome-itude!"

L.T is now wearing a cuirass, greaves, and boots of a strange, shimmery metal that glistens like pearl. There are many eldritch runes inlaid into the surface of the armor, and a cloak that moves like an angel's breath given form, flows down his back

Natsu: COOL! What can you do with that?

L.T concentrates for a second, as Gray springs to his feet, preparing to unleash an onslaught of icy blows. As L.T shouts his defiance, his voice deepens, shaking the earth.

L.T: FRYING PAN TO THA FACE, BIATCH!

An enormous frying pan slams into Gray, launching his stoopid ass into the Naruto universe.

Gray: DAMN YOU, L.T!