A/N: An Arthur reborn drabble-y type thing. Idk. It happened mostly at night so sorry. Actually no, I'm not sorry. I still think it's funny.

"Merlin, what's happening? What's going on? We're under attack, Merlin! Someone is storming the castle – erm, flat – get me my armor!"

"Arthur – Arthur, calm down! It's fine!"

"No it's not, Merlin, there's an attack!"

"No, Arthur, it's called New Years and people set off fireworks, it's fine. They're celebrating."

"Funny way of celebrating."

"Oh my God."

"Um, Merlin? What is this... thing you've given me?"

"Oh that's a takeaway box. It's Chinese food. It's really good, you'll like it."

"Chinese food? What's Chinese?"

"It means something that's from China."

"What's China?"

"Just eat it, Arthur, please."

"Merlin. Where are my clothes?"
"On the chair, I put them out, didn't I? How did you not notice them? Seriously Arthur, I don't know how –"

"What, these things?"

"Yes, Arthur. Those things."

"What sort of clothing is this? It looks like.. I don't even know what it looks like but I'm not wearing it. And these shoes! They look like something a woman would wear, get me my boots!"

"Arthur, those are Converse, they're very stylish these days. And trust me, your old boots look a lot more like something a woman would wear."

"Merlin, you want me to touch that thing? What is it? It hums. And it's cold inside."

"It's called a refrigerator, Arthur, it's fine. It keeps food cool."

"A what?"

"A refrigerator."

"Re – fri – ger – a – tor."

"Yes. Now can you get me the milk?"

"Ah! The handle is cold, Merlin! … Wait, which one is the milk?"

"The one in the – oh never mind, I'll get it."

"Merlin, what is this thing?"

"Oh, um, that's a … a magazine."

"A what?"

"Um, nothing."

"Merlin, is this even English? Why is there only one direction? Which direction is that? This doesn't even make any sense!"

"Sorry, but what was that word you just used?"

"Oh it's just some of the local … lingo."

"… Stop smiling at me. You know, I've begun to suspect you do this on purpose."

"Who are you and what have you done with Merlin?"

"I am Merlin, stupid."

"No you're not! The Merlin I know would never wear that!"

"Oh my God, Arthur, put down the spoon and let go – ow!"

"Merlin, what does this say?"

"Honestly Arthur, can you even read?"

"Not when it's all … when it's written like this."

"Arthur, this is a thousand times easier to read than archaic texts written in Old English in the 5th century."

"What is that?"

"What this? It's a rice cooker."

"A what?"
"A rice cooker. You use it to cook rice."
"Well I gathered that but what does it do?"

"It … cooks … rice?"

" … "

"Ow!"

"Ow! Arthur, let go! You haven't even got a sword to fight with!"

"Merlin, I could take you with both hands tied behind my back."

"That sounds like a good sex game."

" … What?"

"Never mind."

"Merlin, what does pornography mean?"

"Well, um … You know, why don't you look it up on the internet?"
"You know I hate that thing, Merlin."

"It's called a computer, and really. Just do it."

"Why can't you just tell me, Merlin?"
"It'll be more fun if you just look it up, believe me."
"But Merlin –"

"Just do it, Arthur!"

…

"Oh – Oh my – Oh my God, Merlin! What is this?"

"That, Arthur, is pornography."

"Oh my God, get it away, it's evil sorcery!"

"Ah ah hot! Merlin! It burned me!"

"Arthur, I thought I told you not to touch the stove top!"

"Ow, that hurts! Ow, Merlin it – Ow!"

"What will I ever do with you?"
"Ow, Merlin, hugging me isn't going to help."

"Shhhh, yes it is."

"Urghhhh..."

"Merlin? Merlin, what is it, what's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine, just … headache."

"No, it must be a curse. Tell me, what do I need to cure it?"
"Advil, just some Advil."

"Where can I find this … Advil?"

"In the cupboard."
"I swear to you, I will travel to the ends of the earth for you, Merlin. I won't let you die –"

"The cupboard, Arthur."
"Ah, yes. Be right back."

"Merlin... What is gay? I'm getting the sense that it doesn't mean happy any more."

"Oh, um, it's … well, it's when a man loves … another man."

"Oh, I see. Like a father and a son."
"Er no."

"Then like friends?"
"Still no."

"Then what?"
"Well, like … Like a man loves a woman?"
"…"

"Oh my god, why are you so difficult all the time? Why do I get stuck explaining all this stuff to you? Do you realize how hard it is to explain more than a thousand years of human history to a king who's been dead for most of it?"

"…"

"Fine, just look up homosexuality on Google."

…

"Merlin, I found out what homosexuality is."

"And?"
"Are we … gay, Merlin?"
"Um, that's an interesting question. I –"

"Merlin, are you awake?"

"No."

"Merlin."
"…"

"Merlin."

"…"

"Fine then, I'll just –"

"No, don't go! Stay … Please?"
"Haha, I win!"

"Shut up and come back to bed, Arthur."