If only….

Those two simple words became his mantra. The quiet repetition hid the undercurrent of pain and desperation steadily built up over days, weeks, months. It had been almost two years since…

If only he'd followed orders.

If only he'd abandoned ship.

If only Shepard hadn't come after him.

If only Shepard hadn't…

He still couldn't finish that sentence in his head, let alone say those words aloud, but that didn't make it any less real. The nightmare over Alchera waited patiently in the recesses of his mind, every minute detail seared into his brain ready to burst forth the moment his eyes closed. There was still no escape from that angry red beam as it sliced through the Normandy, no escape from the cold, dark space pressing in on them through the twisted hull, no escape from the helpless dread as he watched the worst moments play out yet again. Every night Shepard grabbed his wrist and tossed him to safety, the resulting pain radiating from the wound and through his crumpled body. Every night the final explosion sent his escape pod careening wildly off course, the spin so violent even the gyroscopic stabilizers were unable to compensate until he was little more than a weeping pile of shattered bones. Just like when they found him the first time. Alone. There was no way she…

Jeff pushed that thought away with a violent shake of his head. It didn't matter anymore, and amazingly he had Cerberus to thank. Cerberus, the black-ops group they spent a year fighting. They approached him in that bar, promising the impossible, and his drunk ass followed them blindly, desperately, just on the off chance that they'd be able to follow through. The fact that they let him fly again was a distant second to the mere possibility...

Raiden Shepard, his best friend, de-facto sister, and partner in crime for decades was back and they did it. Somehow, some way, Cerberus brought her back. They found her and made her whole. And now his world was restored again. Almost.

New leather squeaked as Joker shifted in his chair. The soft material molded to his body, embracing him in warmth, but there was no real comfort. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the annoying orb pulsing at his side, recording and commenting on his every move. This was deeper, more personal. Though the gaping hole in his heart was filled, the edges were cold and painful. His best friend was back, but things never completely return to how they once were. Their most recent short, formal conversation was proof of that. Her clipped responses were fresh in his mind though the echo of her retreating footsteps were long silent. In fact, she'd barely spoken to him at all, and there was no physical contact after their initial embrace when he made his dramatic entrance. The silence said everything he needed to know, though.

Two years may have passed, but the familiar signs were as obvious as the beard on his face. The slumped shoulders, the nails chewed down to scabby stumps, the bloodshot eyes and dark circles standing in sharp contrast the frighteningly pale skin...

Something was wrong with Shepard, and he was damned sure he was going to find out what. There wasn't much he could do if it required more than listening, piloting, or making a smart-ass remark, but at least he was an expert in those three areas. That had to count for something. And now was as good a time as any.

The annoying, blue, wanna-be overlord pulsed as Jeff stood and limped away from the helm, but for once it didn't remark on his actions. That was a first, but he sure as hell wasn't going to draw any more attention by remarking on it. There were only so many places Shepard could hide, even in a ship this size, and he certainly didn't need help from an AI to track her down. Especially since it would probably turn around and report everything back to that icy brunette in the catsuit, if not the big boss with the creepy eyes.

"Commander Shepard is in the hallway outside her quarters. She hasn't moved in 17 minutes," the automated voice reported quietly as he passed. "I will maintain course while you are gone."

Jeff paused to glance at the orb from the corner of his eye. There was no way EDI should've known where he was going. Then again, AI thought processes were completely foreign to him. That's why it's constant presence creeped him the hell out. Maybe it had a few redeeming qualities after all. Maybe. The verdict was still out and chances were slim, though. He acknowledged the info with a subtle nod and moved slowly towards his destination.

Though lightyears faster than the original Normandy, the elevator ascended in slow motion. Every beat of his heart marked an hour of utter torture in his mind until the doors finally slid open. In that moment his stomach dropped to his knees.

Shepard slumped against the cold metal wall. Her heavy-lidded, red-rimmed eyes stared into nothingness as her body shook and shuddered. Only her uneven, labored breaths shattered the silence.

"Holy shit," Joker gasped as he stumbled to her side, his shaky hands searching for a pulse and any signs of trauma. "Don't do this to me Shepard. Don't make me tell your parents I lost you again."

"You'd have to tell them I came back first," she mumbled. Her tired, pale eyes locked with his as she gently pushed his hand away. "That's a job I'm more than happy to delegate and you're the perfect person to do it. My mom likes you better anyway." Shepard smiled feebly, but it did little to hide the fact that her voice quaked in time with the tremors still wracking her body.

"Yeah? Well I'm pretty sure your dad would throw me from an airlock if given half a chance, so that's a firm pass." Jeff leaned heavily against the wall and slid down, his eyes never leaving his friend. There was a wild look in her eye that reminded him of a cornered, wounded animal. The reassuring smile she tried to muster looked forced and didn't fool him for a second. Her smile withered under his even stare until she dropped it completely. Being this close, it was impossible to deny what happened over Alchera. A bright orange glow flashed in time with the rapid beat of her heart, the cybernetics illuminating the complex web of scars that was her skin. And none of that was as gut-wrenching as the exhausted, pained look in her eyes. She looked like she'd been through hell, and things were only getting started. It was too much to handle. Jeff looked away, fixing his eyes on the bare wall across from them. He'd be as patient as she needed him to be.

Old habits took over almost instantly. Shepard rested her head on Jeff's shoulder with a resigned sigh, but she was still worked up. Hair along the right side of his body stood on end from her biotics pulling at him as they sat in silence, her body shaking against his. Eventually his patience paid off. Her head gradually became heavier and the tremors softened until they eventually stilled. Her breath slowed to a steady, shallow rhythm punctuated by snores so soft they almost sounded like a kitten's purr.

"Hey, this is no place for a nap," Jeff murmured as he dug in with his elbow. He hated to wake her, but his ass was already falling asleep and there was no way he could carry her. She had to get her own scrawny butt to bed. "If my chair's any indication, you have something much nicer waiting for you on the other side of this door."

Shepard sat up so fast Jeff slid sideways and landed on the floor. It would've been funny if he hadn't seen the look of utter panic on her face as she shook her head violently. "I can't do it," she whispered hoarsely.

"Sure you can," he replied automatically. "In fact, I'm pretty sure you can help me up off this floor while you're at it."

Her doubt was obvious - a sheen of fresh sweat covered her paled features and her nostrils flared as she stared at him with overly dilated eyes, but she didn't argue. Instead, she nodded while her teeth bit at her bottom lip until crimson droplets appeared. She wiped the moisture away then reached forward, her outstretched hand shaking as she pulled him to his feet, but she didn't speak. Instead, she turned on one heel and opened the door to her cabin, then gestured for him to enter with a quick jerk of the head.

A low whistle of amazement echoed through the quarters as Jeff stepped in. "Man, Cerberus wasn't fooling around. Your quarters are larger than my last two apartments. Combined. And is that a… you have a fish tank wall? These people clearly overestimate your abilities to take care of pets. Need I remind you of snuggles the lizard? Didn't you accidentally space him? Or the fish you swore would live off the plant you floated on top of their water. They were piranhas, right? That worked out so well..." He turned around, shit-eating grin firmly in place, but there was no reaction. In fact, Shepard remained planted in the stark space outside her cabin door with her back to the expansive quarters. He frowned as he turned back around and took the few steps down into the proper living space. There was no reason for her to react to her cabin like this. It was beautiful, comfortable, spacious… Space. Realization hit him like a ton of bricks as he stared out into the dark void.

"Those slimy mother fuckers," he hissed through clenched teeth. He hobbled back up the stairs and towards Shepard. No wonder she freaked out and didn't want to enter. Leave it to Cerberus to place a giant window to the universe over the bed of someone who was spaced. "Can you close it?" he asked gently once he was at her side again. Shepard shook her head almost imperceptibly. "And you aren't sleeping, are you?" That wasn't a question. The answer was clear as day in those dark circles and bloodshot eyes.

"What kind of sadistic asshole…" Words faltered as the reality of the situation became clear. Anger swelled from deep within, the years of desperate sadness from her absence only adding fuel to the fire. "Right. Well that icy bitch and her creepy-eyed boss are going to hear about this," he seethed.

"No, don't," she begged quietly, her hand on his arm holding him still. "If you say something then they'll know they got to me. They'll know they found another weakness and use it to exploit me even more."

"But you can't keep going like this, Rai. Your body can't handle this - you need to sleep."

Shepard nodded. He was right and they both knew it. "Can you just sit with me? Out here in the hall, just a few minutes ago… that's the first time I've felt comfortable since... " She sighed heavily, her sad eyes saying everything she couldn't.

"Now was that so hard? All you had to do was ask," he teased gently. "I'll do it…" he began, then paused dramatically for effect, going so far as to hold up one hand to keep her silent, "but only if our old rules from childhood still apply. You provide all the snacks, I get to pick the shows, and first one asleep gets the warm water treatment."

"How can I turn that down?" Shepard replied through a genuine eyes focused on Joker as she took his outstretched hand and let him guide her down the steps. He was her anchor, just as he'd been when they were kids. Together they could get through anything.