Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters. This was written for fun and no copyright infringement is intended.
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Chapter 1: Ravenclaws They Weren't
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When Vince and Greg were 11 years old, they looked like they were sixteen. Now that they really were sixteen, they looked like nineteen-year-olds. Big, meaty nineteen-year-olds with bull necks. They were also dumb as posts. Ravenclaws they weren't! They just about had one brain between the two of them and that wasn't really enough to get by without help. Neither were they Gryffindors; big as they were, they'd had precious little chance in life to learn bravery. Situations that required true physical bravery - at least, bravery on their part - just didn't come up that often. Now, Vince and Greg weren't sorted into Hufflepuff either, but that was a House they probably could have fit well into because Vince and Greg were extremely loyal. Loyal to their little pal Draco Malfoy, that is.
Draco was about as different from Vince and Greg as a person could be. Instead of being huge for his age, he was small. All obsessive Quidditch practice had done for him so far was strip off his baby fat, and weight-lifting was a bit too much like hard labor to appeal to Draco's Slytherin nature. He was, in the words of his enemies, "a puny little git".
He was also smart as a whip, though most people didn't realize that. He was a Slytherin through and through and it wouldn't have occurred to him to prefer winning on his merits over winning by cheating. Winning was winning after all, and the ends were more important than the means. That's how it had been in the Malfoy family for generations.
The Malfoys were an old pureblood wizarding family and Draco's father Lucius was an important Ministry official. Lucius was also, it was widely believed, a Death Eater and in Voldemort's favor, which only made him more powerful in the wizarding community.
Though Draco possessed a healthy cowardly streak and not a bit of gut-level Gryffindor-style bravery, his background and upbringing made him insufferably and baselessly overconfident in everyday situations. He'd grown up flaunting his father's name and his father's power, and though he'd been trained to be respectful around his father's business and social associates, he was incapable of being remotely polite around anybody else of lower social stature. Not only that, he was incapable of keeping his mouth shut, and couldn't seem to stop himself from rashly picking on and deliberately enraging his social less-than-equals. He was never satisfied until they'd lost control and gone after him.
which was where Vince and Greg came in. Because frankly, Draco didn't have what it took to back up his big mouth with his fists, and though he was pretty good with a wand his overconfidence almost always let his opponents throw the first curse.
With Vince and Greg to back him up, things were entirely different. Draco wasn't often inclined to throw the first punch, and Vince and Greg had learned many interesting ways of preventing others from doing so. Often their simple presence was enough. Other times, a glare or a meaningful smacking of fist into palm did the trick. When necessary, Vince and Greg could intercede physically, and were capable of pounding into the dust nearly any other combination of kids at Hogwarts.
In other words, with Vince and Greg acting as his bodyguards Draco could indefinitely postpone learning those brutal life-lessons learned earlier by people who didn't have such large friends.
Their little unspoken arrangement worked very well for Vince and Greg too. Draco's arrogance, childish petulance, ill temper, and snide comments had no effect upon them. They simply didn't have the mental horsepower to compute most of it, and the rest didn't seem that big a deal. After all, how could you really be insulted by someone you could beat to a pulp with one arm tied behind your back? Besides, Draco's nastiness worked to Vince and Greg's advantage in many ways. Even the other Slytherins, who lusted after his father's money and position, didn't really care to be Draco's friend outside of the public eye. This meant less competition for the two ogre-like boys. And his incessant disparaging comments and his habit of bluntly ordering them around had the fortuitous, and perhaps not entirely unintentional, effect of piloting Vince and Greg through the more confusing aspects of life with a minimum of mishap.
Furthermore, by protecting Draco over the years, Vince and Greg had increased their own fathers' standing with Draco's father, for which they received rare parental praise -- and for which their fathers received rare Lucius-ly praise. It was, all in all, a good thing.
One thing many people didn't realize was how hard Vince and Greg worked to keep Draco out of trouble. Just as the stupidest of beasts knows to guide its young away from danger, so Vince and Greg had a knack for recognizing people and situations that would push the buttons of their volatile friend.
Their huge bodies could be maneuvered to block his peripheral vision, and sometimes his normal sight if necessary. A dropped book, a stupid question or a fake argument which Draco would have to break up, often sufficed to allow a potential victim to slip away even once Draco had already spotted them. Being snapped at by Draco was a small price to pay for avoiding a serious confrontation.
By far, the people most likely to push Draco's buttons were the annoying threesome of Potter, Granger, and Weasley. And as it happens, this tale of woe begins with an encounter with those very three.
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Draco's head whipped around. He'd spotted Potter, Granger, and Weasley coming around a corner on the cross corridor. Granger was carrying something shiny in her hand and they were all huddled around it.
Greg tried to shift to block Draco's view, but it was too late. Draco pushed Greg hard, which mostly resulted in him propelling himself away from the much larger boy. "Get out of the way you great lump!" he snapped, and then he advanced purposefully upon the three Gryffindors.
Vince and Greg exchanged glances, and then hastened to follow.
The trio only noticed them coming at the last moment, far too late to get away.
"What's that?" asked Draco, snatching the bit of metal out of Hermione's hand. This was yet another of Draco's many inflammatory habits. It was the unfortunate result of having been spoilt rotten by his parents and their servants.
"Hey, give that back Malfoy!" said Granger hotly.
"Make me," said Draco automatically. Right on cue, Vince and Greg stepped up behind him cracking their knuckles menacingly.
"Make you?" said Potter boldly, surveying Vince and Greg hulking behind Draco. There was a pause. "OK." He stepped forward with typical Gryffindor rashness and pointed his wand square at the three of them. "Styayate!" he enunciated loudly. There was a loud WHUMP noise and a shower of colorful sparks. Draco hurled himself to the floor with his arms wrapped around his head. Vince and Greg, lacking his Seeker's reflexes, were hit full on by the curse and transformed into lifelike stone statues, each wearing a quite characteristic befuddled expression.
"Two out of three, not bad," said Weasley in admiration.
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The narrator must, at this time, switch temporarily to following the exploits of Potter, Granger, and Weasley, since Vincent and Gregory are - to put it bluntly - not going to be doing anything interesting in a long, long, time.
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Malfoy leaped to his feet in outrage. He whipped his wand out but he never had a chance.
"Expelliarmo!" "Flamengo!" "Furittus!" the trio yelled simultaneously.
Malfoy's eyes widened in alarm as Bang! His wand flew out of his hand into Hermione's and he was hurled backward, bouncing off the wall. Whing! Harry's hex narrowly missed his head, striking the wall with a smack. Zoinng-whud! Ron's curse bit into the center of his chest.
"Urrgh!" groaned Malfoy, and he doubled over. And then, with a loud bang, he vanished, to be replaced by an unhappy-looking white ferret.
Harry, Ron and Hermione exploded helplessly into laughter. "I've been practicing that for months!" exclaimed Ron. "Ever since Moody."
He was interrupted by an angry-sounding squeal from the floor. The ferret was glaring up at them gesticulating with its forepaws.
"Anybody speak ferret?" asked Hermione.
"Not I," said Harry.
The ferret jumped up and down in a rage. This only made them laugh harder.
"A pity you missed that time, Harry," Hermione added. "A hot-pink ferret would have been something to see."
"A crying shame," agreed Ron. He pulled a quill out of his book bag and proceeded to write "I'm with Stupid" on Crabbe and Goyle's stone foreheads in red and gold ink.
Meanwhile, Hermione stooped and picked up the little enamelled-metal triangle, which had flown of Malfoy's hand the first time he'd hit the deck.
"So what is this thing, anyway?" she asked, returning to their original conversation.
"Let's see it," said Ron. Hermione handed it to him and they huddled round to peer over his shoulder.
The ferret grabbed onto the hem of Ron's robe and tugged, trying to get his attention. Perhaps it wanted its transformation reversed. Sadly for the ferret, the Gryffindors were thoroughly engrossed in what they were doing.
"Oh, I see," said Ron. "It's a bracelet charm. See, here's how it would attach to the chain. You just wear a bunch of different ones on a bracelet, and then when you need it you grab the one you want and squeeze, like thi-"
WHAM!
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As has been mentioned before, Crabbe and Goyle were no Ravenclaws. But to be perfectly fair, neither were Harry, Ron and Hermione. Not by a long shot.
Hermione was undoubtedly the brightest of the three, and perhaps the brightest student in the entire school. However, as a would-be Ravenclaw she had a major flaw: she was actually braver than she was smart. This caused her to go along with the things Ron and Harry did even though she could tell it was perfectly insane. Even had she been a little less brave, however, she still wouldn't have been a Ravenclaw. That is because she was also very loyal and hard working. Although she didn't realize it, she probably would have been a Hufflepuff if she hadn't ended up in Gryffindor.
Harry, on the other hand, had very nearly ended up in Slytherin. He tended to think outside of the box. Rules, for him, were something that was imposed from without, and to be flaunted if there was any way to get away with it. However, he was also an idealist. And in a fit of idealism, quite ironically, he'd asked to be placed in Gryffindor, and his wish had been granted.
As for Ron - well, though he was a loyal friend, he was a Gryffindor through and through, and had rash chivalry in abundance. Anyone who'd seen his father physically attack Lucius Malfoy in a public bookstore could see that foolhardy bravery and ideological righteousness - not to mention quick temper and lack of self-control - were not simply a phase Ron was going to outgrow any time soon. Though he had grown up in a wizarding family and therefore had a bit more background on magic than either Harry or Hermione, he did tend to be a bit impetuous and didn't always think things out first. Thus:
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WHAM!
Suddenly they were standing on a streetcorner of a major city. Noise crashed in on them. They were surrounded by Muggles. Thousands of Muggles hurrying past on all sides, bumping and pushing. Stunned, they all looked at each other.
"Ron!" shrieked an exasperated Hermione. "You didn't have to actually demonstrate it!"
"Wow!" said Harry. He sounded excited. "Where are we? Are all these people Muggles?"
"We must be in the States. Look at how they drive." Ron pointed at the cars streaming the wrong way down the streets.
"Yes, look!" exclaimed Harry, pointing at an American flag flying above what looked like a bank.
"This triangle must be some kind of Portkey!" said Ron.
"We are going to be in so much trouble," groaned Hermione.
The ferret didn't say anything, because it had fainted and lay draped over Ron's foot.
Back at Hogwarts, the two statues of Crabbe and Goyle stood silently in the dark corridor, not to be discovered for some time.
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A/N: Please review this story. Please? Pretty pretty please? Also see my other stories, Blood of Mud, Wing of Bat and Introduction to Auroring.