Unbetaed. :P

Kicking Ass of an Asshole

So Hawke finally wake up and remembered the battle and that asshole boyfriend of hers, how he sided with that old cow Meredith. He was like, sorry Hawke you're a f-ing mage and mages should be lobotomized, so yeah, I'm gonna support the Templars. And then she said you asshole Fenris, you, you said you loved me but you have no honor at all. Then he said but I do love you and she said then prove it so he then decided to support her after all. But the truth was that he saw she was stronger than that f-ing cow Meredith so he deserted to her side. Normally she would send fireballs to his balls for desertion but in this case it was in fact good because he deserted to her side so she didn't do it.

The battle was long because that f-ing cow Meredith just didn't know when to die, she told her like million times, die, you stupid f-ing cow, but she was so f-ing stupid she didn't get it and just kept bringing the statues to life, like a f-ing hypocrite. She was always like die, mages die, and then in the end she used magic too. And one of the blasted statues – blasted by her own blasted fireball – fell down and hit her in the head and she passed out and couldn't even enjoy when the f-ing stupid cow died in the end.

And then she wakes up and finds the asshole sleeping on the chair, leaning on the bed and drooling right on her pillow. So she was like WTF are you a mabari or what and she got really pissed off. So she kicked the chair from under his ass he woke up immediately and stopped drooling. And he said, hey Hawke, glad you woke up, but she didn't buy it. Lookie here, asshole, she said, I tolerated you for six f-ing years, your brooding and moping, but tell ya what, it's not true what Varric said, it's no sexy and I wasn't swooning and I rather die than have your f-ing brooding baby. But I was nice to you, cause I didn't want no troubles, and because you're no that bad in bed, ya know. And what you do you drool on my pillow. And I'm not gonna tolerate no drooling, you f-ing asshole and I'm gonna kick your brooding ass.

He said oh noes Hawke I'm sooo sorry please don't kick my ass but she said Like f-ing hell that's gonna help, it didn't help to Paul Pot, and I have no idea who that f-ing guy is, but it didn't help him so why it should help you, asshole. It's not enough to say sorry you know you really have to do something, like change your life and your f-ing broody attitude. And he thought about it and said yes you're right Hawke I so deserve this so please punish me and then I'll change my life and I will not brood again.
So she first punched his nose 'cause that nose was always f-ing ugly so it wouldn't really matter is she broke him, it would add character to the piece. Then she kicked him few times, broke few ribs, and maybe smashed a kidney or two so wasn't it awesome she was a mage and could heal him? At least it will teach him to respect the mages, asshole.

Then her feet started to ache from all the kicking so she lifted him up and puched him few more times, just for fun. Then her hands started aching too so she stopped. You had enough, asshole, she asked and he said yeah Hawke I had enough. And you promise you want hate mages and drool on my pillow no more, she asked, and he said, yeah, Hawke I promise and I won't be no brooding either. And then she said yeah that's good cause otherwise I'd have to kick your ass again and he said please please don't Hawke I get it all now.

So then she healed him, but not nose, cause it looked better now anyway and he changed his life and then they had like really amazing sex and were happy.

This story is a PARODY. It is written like this intentionally, deliberately and knowingly. Yes, I'm a sinner.

Once upon a time, I wrote a romantic story about Fenris and Marion Hawke, a stoic, quiet, kind mage - The History Of Coming Home, and it's still one of my own favourites. Then I got a review that Fenris is an ass and I should write a sequel in which Marion should kicks his asshole. As you can see, I did.

I didn't want to put it here until ShebasDawn asked for it. Today I feel like kicking few assholes myself, plus I had too much caffeine. That always has unpredictable effects on me. :P So here it is. It's real name is the one in the story. I couldn't put it as a title, as that would be violation of the FFN rules.