I will hold on with all of my might

Just promise me we'll be alright

The ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue

But we'll live a long life

One Saturday, when Caroline is three weeks old, Derek gets called into the hospital at five in the morning for an emergency follow-up surgery on his patient from the previous day. Meredith is already awake, feeding Caroline in bed, when he gets the page. Two minutes into the ensuing phone call, it is clear that he can't just talk someone else through what the next steps should be from the comfort of their home. They actually need him. He won't know how bad it'll is until he gets in, so he cannot promise when he will be home.

"You could always call somebody if you need a hand," he says as he quickly dresses. "Callie and Arizona offered to take Zola anytime."

Meredith shakes her head, and grimaces as she adjusts Caroline in her arms. Three weeks of near constant nursing is taking its toll on her body. Even though she is exhausted—they both are—she doesn't want to outsource one kid as soon as the parent-child ratio is no longer in her favor. While she is sure that Zola would love to play with Sofia, she also does not want Zola to feel like she is not supposed to be home with them.

"We have to figure out handling both of them at once by ourselves at some point," she says. "I'm sure we'll be ok. Go save somebody's life."

"Ok," he nods. He leans down and kisses her, and then kisses Caroline's head. "Bye, Bee. Tell Zo I'll see her later."

"I will," she says. She lifts Caroline's tiny fist and waves. "Bye, Daddy."

As soon as Derek leaves, Meredith realizes that she is very likely up for the day, but when Caroline finishes eating and Zola still isn't awake, she gets back in bed and closes her eyes anyway. Sure enough, about a half hour after Caroline falls asleep in her bassinette, Zola lets herself into Meredith and Derek's bedroom.

"Hi, Mama," she says sleepily. Meredith opens one eye and watches Zola crawl into bed with her, bringing her favorite giraffe and two other stuffed animals with her.

Meredith wraps her arms around Zola, and she lies down with her. Maybe she can get Zola to snooze for a few more minutes, or at least play quietly in bed while she takes a light nap.

She groans a little at the pressure of Zola's hand on her hip as Zola uses her for leverage and peeks over at Derek's side of the bed. "Where's Daddy?" she asks.

"He's at the hospital," Meredith says.

"Me too?"

Derek went back to work two weeks ago, and when he did, they decided to keep bringing Zola to daycare so as to disrupt her routine as little as possible and to allow Meredith to recover and devote all of her time to Caroline.

"Not today," Meredith says. She opens her eyes—both of them—now, knowing that Zola is not going to go back to sleep. "It's the weekend. So can you help me take care of Caroline today?"

Zola nods, and glances eagerly at Caroline's bassinette in the corner of the room. "Right now?"

"Well, she's sleeping right now, but later. Do you want some breakfast?"

They take the baby monitor downstairs and Meredith fixes Zola a small bowl of cereal, but Zola barely gets through her breakfast before Caroline's cries crackle over the monitor.

"I can have more?" Zola asks as she finishes the last bite of her Cheerios and Meredith is already halfway up the steps.

"As soon as I come back down," Meredith assures her.

Upstairs, Caroline has squirmed her way halfway out of her swaddle, and continues to fuss even when Meredith unwraps and cuddles her.

"Oh, Caroline, you stink," Meredith says as she holds her up and sniffs. "No wonder you're upset. Let's get you changed."

She covers the bed with a blanket, and undresses Caroline so she can take off her dirty diaper. As soon as the air hits Caroline's bare legs and bottom, she starts to wail.

"You know," Meredith says, pulling a few wipes out of the container so she can clean the poop off her, "For a little baby, you can make a pretty big mess."

Even though Meredith goes as quickly as she can, Caroline still seems to think that she is taking too long. She screams as Meredith wipes her down, straps a new diaper on her, and snaps the legs of her onesie closed. She takes a second to try to settle Caroline down, and while the baby is happier now that she's warm, she is still cranky. Meredith is tempted to let her nurse right now, even if only to soothe her, but then she remembers that Zola is downstairs and she actually is hungry.

"Let's go see your sister," Meredith coos at Caroline. "Want to go see Zo?" Caroline grunts and roots around for Meredith's nipple, knowing that it's close and that she can't get to it. "I know. In a minute, Bee."

Downstairs, Meredith sees Zola's guilty face first, and the Cheerios all over the kitchen counter and the floor second.

Meredith stops in her tracks and sighs. "Did you try to pour yourself?"

"Sorry, Mama," Zola says.

Caroline starts to cry again, wanting to be comforted, and Meredith resigns herself to leaving the mess on the floor for the foreseeable future. She walks into the kitchen, trying to avoid crushing the cereal on the floor, but can't get close enough to the counter without stepping in at least some of it.

"You got some in your bowl though, right?" Meredith asks, peering over the counter to take a look. The bowl is, in fact, overflowing and Meredith wonders if Zola has emptied the entire box by accident.

There's no other way than to step on the spilled Cheerios to get to Zola. Shifting a now screaming Caroline to one arm, she uses her free hand to scoop the extra cereal out of Zola's bowl.

"You need more milk," she sighs, and goes to the fridge to refill Zola's bowl. If she can just Zola situated, then she can nurse Caroline, and then later she can figure out how to get the kitchen back in order.

"Sorry, Mama," Zola says again. Her eyes fill with tears as Meredith pours the milk.

"Hey, it's ok," Meredith says, squeezing Zola's shoulder with her free hand, and mustering up her energy to give Zola a reassuring smile. She has to remind herself that Zola is still just a little girl herself, and that she does not mean to do this. "Accidents happen. Eat your breakfast, ok?"

She sits down on the couch with Caroline, and tries to get her to nurse. Caroline takes the breast at first, but screams and hiccups so that milk dribbles out of her mouth. On her next attempt, Caroline gets a bad latch and it hurts so badly that Meredith has to stick her pinky in Caroline's mouth to break it and try again. It takes a few minutes to get her to settle down enough to eat correctly, but once she finally does, the situation feels just a little bit easier to deal with.

"There you go," Meredith murmurs, settling back onto the couch. "Oh, you just wanted your mama, didn't you?"

Everything Meredith has read has told her that the constant nursing will let up after the first month. She hopes so, because if she does not focus entirely on getting Caroline to latch the right way, then the pain of trying to feed her is terrible, and she's not sure what else to do.

She knows to count on sitting here for the next forty minutes or so, and therefore the mess in the kitchen will have to wait. She can hear her cell phone ringing upstairs, but she knows there's no way she can get to it right now. When the house phone rings, Zola reaches over the kitchen counter and answers it. When did she learn to do that? Meredith wonders.

"Hi," Zola says into the phone. The caller must be someone she knows, because she brightens and says "hi" again. "Yeah. My mama," she says, and slides off her chair to bring the phone to Meredith.

"Who is it?" Meredith asks, adjusting Caroline so that she can take the phone with one hand.

"Shane," Zola replies, and goes back to her cereal.

Ross lets her know that Derek will likely be in surgery until after lunch. He says that he has been told to ask if she needs anything.

"Are you offering to come watch my kids, Ross?" Meredith snaps. Granted, there had been a few rough patches, but so far they are doing fine and she can't help but be a little annoyed—however irrationally—with Derek for checking up on her.

"Uh," Ross stammers. "I was just…. Do you want me to, Dr. Grey?"

"I don't. Tell Dr. Shepherd that everything's fine, and we'll see him when he's finished."

She hangs up and leaves the cordless on the couch next to her. "We're doing good, right, Zo?"

Zola nods with a mouthful of cereal. "Caroline's hungry too, Mama?" she asks, watching them from the kitchen counter.

"She is, Lovebug," Meredith replies, realizing that she hasn't eaten herself yet. "How's the cereal?"

"Yum," Zola says as she takes another bite.

"Good. Smaller bites, ok?" Meredith says. The last thing she needs right now is for Zola to choke or puke.

When Zola finishes, she slides off her seat at the counter and carries her plastic bowl and spoon to the sink. Meredith cringes, and prays that she won't spill the leftover milk. Zola stands on her tip toes and pushes the bowl into the sink without a problem, crunching spilled Cheerios underneath her.

"Thank you for putting your bowl away, Zo. You're my big girl," she says when Zola joins her on the couch.

Zola takes Caroline's tiny foot in her hand and just holds it while Meredith continues to feed her. "What should we do today, Caroline?"

"How about a walk later?" Meredith offers.

"Caroline wants to do that too?" Zola asks.

Meredith smiles. "I think she would be ok with it."

"Can you read, Mama?" Zola asks, reaching under the coffee table for one of her books. Meredith figures out how to feed her and read to Zola at the same time. She still needs both hands to hold Caroline, but if Zola holds the book, Meredith can still read the words to her.

After three books, Caroline pulls off the breast, finally content. Meredith adjusts her shirt and then sits Caroline up and pats her back gently to coax a burp out of her.

"Good job!" Zola says when Caroline finally burps.

Meredith laughs. "Want to hold her while I clean up a little?"

Zola nods excitedly and forms her arms into a perfect cradle, a stance that she has perfected over the past three weeks.

"Sit back a little," Meredith says. "Put your back against the couch."

Once Zola does, she settles Caroline into her arms for her. "See, Caroline? Your big sister wants to hold you." She turns to Zola and reminds her, "I'll be right in the kitchen. If you have to go the bathroom, or you don't want to hold her anymore, just tell me and I'll come get her, ok?"

But Zola sits with Caroline for as long as it takes for Meredith to clean the Cheerios off the kitchen floor and load the dishwasher. Zola chats away to Caroline while Meredith works, pretending that Caroline responds to every question and can keep up her end of the conversation just as well as Zola can.

"How's she doing?" Meredith asks Zola once she's finished cleaning up.

"Good. We are going to the zoo," she announces.

"Oh, you are?" Meredith asks. "Ok. When are you going?"

"Right now."

"Oh," Meredith says. "Ok, well little girls should get dressed before they go to the zoo. Can we do that first?"

There isn't really a problem with letting Zola wear her purple striped pajamas all day, especially because they're not actually going to the zoo, but it would be nice to get her dressed while she has the chance.

"We're not going to the zoo," Zola says. "We work at the zoo. I'm in charge of it."

"Oh, I see. Well should you get changed for work? Like how Daddy and I wear scrubs at work?"

"Oh!" Zola cries. "Yeah!"

"Ok, why don't you go pick out what you want to wear to work, and bring it into Caroline's room. We'll get dressed and then I'll take you to work."

Meredith takes Caroline upstairs, where she changes her into a fresh long-sleeved onesie and puts a new pair of socks on her. Zola bounds into Caroline's bedroom a few minutes later, holding a pair of mint green polka dot leggings, a pink t-shirt, and a white tutu skirt.

"I'm ready!"

"Did you get a fresh pair of underwear?" Meredith asks.

Zola drops her stuff on the floor and runs back down the hall, returning a moment later with a pair of panties in her hand.

"Ok, now you're ready!" Meredith says. "Can you show me how you get dressed like a big girl?"

She doesn't know how some other moms do it. It's so much easier to have two kids when one can get almost all the way undressed, and then dressed again with minimal assistance. Zola needs only to lean on Meredith to step into her tutu, and to accept some help with putting her shirt on.

"Good job, Zo! Now let's brush your teeth and you'll be ready to go."

Downstairs, a few minutes later, Meredith sits Caroline in her bouncy seat on the floor, and covers her legs with a receiving blanket. Zola brings down armload after armload of stuffed animals from her bedroom, dumping them in the center of the living room.

"Hey, Zo, before you start work, can I just do your hair?"

With Zola seated on the couch, Meredith gently combs her hair, and pulls it into two braided pigtails. As she works, Zola says, "I'm happy I'm home with you, Mama."

Even though she hasn't had a shower or gotten dressed herself yet, and even though it's only mid-morning and this day already feels like a marathon—this builds her up.

With a handful of Zola's hair in one hand, she kisses the top of her head. "I'm happy you are too, Lovebug."

In the living room, Zola plays "with" Caroline by essentially just playing around her. She doesn't even want Meredith to really play with her, but if Meredith looks like she's not paying attention, Zola is quick to notice. She sets up all of her stuffed animals around the living room, and shows them to Caroline one by one. After showing Caroline her giraffe and her penguin, she squats down in front of Caroline's bouncy seat with her lion.

"Oh, Caroline, this is a lion. It goes 'ROAR!' But don't be scared; this one is nice."

Caroline stares at her without reacting at all, but Zola is undeterred. She shows her a zebra and an elephant next. When she finally shows Caroline a dog, Meredith laughs and wonders why this is Zola's only somewhat traditional stuffed animal. There isn't a bear in sight.

"Oh no, Mama!" Zola suddenly cries.

"What is it?" Meredith asks.

"My giraffe is sick! Caroline says!"

Meredith smiles—what will it be like when Caroline has opinions of her own?—but quickly changes her expression when Zola looks at her disapprovingly. Amusement does not fit into the seriousness of the game.

"Oh no!" she says instead, "Should we take him to the vet?"

"No, I am the vet. I be right back."

Zola dashes upstairs and returns with a scrub cap, a surgical mask, and a bag full of plastic physician instruments. She and Derek got her some scrub caps for Christmas, and, because Zola loves to play doctor so much, they occasionally sneak her a box of surgical masks from the supply closet since those aren't as durable as her other medical equipment. Meredith makes a mental note not to tell Cristina that her youngest cardio protégé is currently thoroughly enjoying a stint in veterinary medicine.

"Can you tie?" Zola asks, holding out the mask in one hand and the cap in the other.

"Which one first?"

"Hat."

Meredith ties Zola's scrub cap on, making sure her pigtails are tucked neatly inside, then helps her tie the mask onto her face. Both are way too big for her, but they work well enough, and Zola doesn't seem to mind.

Zola sets the giraffe on the coffee table, and then opens up her doctor's kit. She sets the plastic reflex hammer on Caroline's stomach.

"Is Caroline helping you in surgery today, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asks from her position on the couch.

"Yes, but she's a baby doctor," Zola says.

"Ok, well let me know if you need me to help too," Meredith says.

But Zola doesn't need any help. After a surprisingly short surgery that involves a lot of listening to the giraffe's heartbeat with her stethoscope and giving a lot of injections, Zola announces that the giraffe will survive.

"Oh, good," Meredith sighs in relief. "How about a snack?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry," Zola agrees.

"Well, saving lives is hard work."

Zola resumes checking all of her other animals, rearranging them on the living room floor before the game evolves into a sort of school experience. Meredith hears something about circle time and criss-cross applesauce while she rummages in the fridge for some cheese for Zola.

She is cutting up strawberries when Caroline starts to fuss again.

"Caroline's crying, Mama," Zola calls from the living room.

"I know, I can hear her," Meredith calls back. "I'll be right there."

By the time she gets to Caroline, however, Zola has calmed her down by herself. She has plucked Caroline's pacifier from the coffee table, coaxed it into her mouth, and is now gently smoothing Caroline's peach fuzz hair down on her head.

"Hi, Honeybee," Meredith coos at the baby. Caroline stares up at her, contentedly sucking on her pacifier. "Did Zola take care of you?"

Zola looks up at Meredith and smiles proudly, but never leaves Caroline's side. Meredith leans over and kisses the top of Zola's head. "Good job, big sister."

A few weeks later, Derek is about an hour away from leaving work when his pager beeps loudly against his hip. He finds a phone, and listens to Callie hurriedly explain that she is getting ready to scrub in on an emergency surgery—a compound femur fracture resulting from an MVC on I-90. He does not understand why she is paging him with this seemingly irrelevant information, so he asks if the patient needs a neuro consult too. She shakes him off.

"No, Sofia. Arizona is at a conference in San Francisco, and this surgery is going to take at least four hours. The girl who usually watches her on weeknights when we have to work late has a stomach virus, and daycare closes for the day at seven."

"Oh," Derek says. "Yeah, we can watch her."

"Are you sure?" Callie says anxiously. "You guys just had a baby."

"Callie, it's no problem. I'll get Sofia in about an hour when I pick up Zola."

Callie sighs. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ok, I have to go, but Edwards is on my service today. I'll have her get Sofia's car seat out of my car and get it to you."

"Ok," Derek replies. "We'll feed her dinner and you can just pick her up whenever."

When he goes up to daycare a little later that evening, and tells Zola and Sofia that they are both going to come home with him that day, Zola is absolutely thrilled. She has been itching to have Sofia come over, since she has spent so much time at Sofia's house and Sofia hasn't really come to them at all. But Sofia is not so sure.

"My mommy's not coming?" she asks.

"She is," Derek assures her. "But she just has a surgery to do first, so she asked if you could have dinner with Zola tonight and she would come get you at our house. Would that be ok?"

"I want my mommy," Sofia says helplessly.

"Sofia, you can come with my daddy," Zola says, tugging on her hand. She tries to comfort her but it comes out as more of a whine. Sofia starts to cry.

"Why is she crying?" Zola asks.

"She just wants her own mommy. Right, Sofia?"

"Uh huh," Sofia hiccups.

He wonders what he should do. If Sofia was his own kid, he would pick her up and comfort her without a second thought. But she's not his kid, and maybe him trying to hold her will make her even more upset.

It's strange that this has never happened before, that he and Meredith have never been asked to watch Sofia. But then he realizes that maybe they've never been asked because there used to be three of them, not two. Mark used to be here.

He remembers that awful day when they were sure they had lost Zola forever. Mark had offered to share Sofia with them. It kinda works, he had said. No one gets too exhausted. You're not on every night. We can work you into the rotation.

But Sofia's gulping sobs indicate to him very clearly that she does not want him and Meredith worked into the rotation.

"Sofia, we can play at my house," Zola says. She seems a little indignant that Sofia is not excited, that she doesn't want to come with them. "Why is she still crying?" she asks her father.

Derek sighs. There's nothing else to do but pick up Sofia. They can't very well stand in the middle of the daycare until Callie finishes her surgery, and he is pretty sure that Sofia won't walk if he asks her to.

"It's ok, Sofia," he says, hoisting her up onto his hip and rubbing her back. "Your mommy is going to come get you in a little bit. But can you eat dinner with me and Zola while we're waiting?"

Sofia takes a hiccupping breath and nods.

He hasn't held Sofia since Mark's funeral. He sees her almost every day because she's Zola's best friend, but it's been over a year since he's held her. That day, he and Callie passed her back and forth for hours, wanting desperately to hold on to a piece of Mark, but somehow, he hasn't held her since then. She feels different now, bigger and more grown up. She's a solid reminder of how much time has passed without Mark.

It's not the same at all. Even though it feels kind of like deja vu as he carries her down the hall, with Zola holding his free hand, he keeps reminding himself that it's not the same. Sofia doesn't have absent parents, just parents who happen to be busy on this particular day.

Growing up, Derek loved having Mark practically live with them. With four very nosy, chatty sisters, he couldn't see a downside to having Mark around all the time. But as he got older, he noticed that it was strange that Mark spent so little time at his own house. He remembers asking his mother once. She had just sighed and said, "It takes a village, Derek."

When he thinks back, his own mother must have had a problem with the way Mark's parents treated him. She worked, and there were five of them, and she was still so much more present in her children's lives than Mark's parents ever were in his. But she never said a word. She was always just quietly there. She always kept a place for Mark, always made enough food for eight instead of seven, always kept a fresh set of sheets on the trundle under Derek's bed.

It's not the same. If Mark had any say in the matter, he never would have left Sofia. Derek wishes that Mark was still in the rotation, that he could have come for his daughter at the end of the day himself. The sight of a Sloan sitting at the Shepherd family's dinner table that night gives Derek equal amounts of heartache and hope. And he promises to fill in when he's needed, to be part of Sofia's village, and to pull up a chair for her at his table for the rest of her life.

Meredith has been waiting for this for six weeks. After a month and a half at home with a newborn, she is dying to feel a little bit more like herself again. Since she took twelve weeks of maternity leave, she won't be operating for awhile longer, so this is the next best way she knows how.

They have a very impressive track record. She and Derek, that is. But never before has this required so much planning, or caused so much stress. By and large, for years, she and Derek made use of even the tiniest slivers of time and the most unconventional of places. But the first time after having a baby has required much more strategizing than she thought it would.

Now, she needs to time everything perfectly. He knows what tonight is, but unfortunately, he has already called to let her know that he'll be home a little late. It's just another in a series of complications that include getting both girls to sleep at the same time while still timing his arrival for just after she's fed Caroline. She has identified a window of opportunity for them—the house will be quiet, she will not be exhausted, and her body will cooperate and not give him an unintentional mouthful of breastmilk if he touches her—and they are rapidly approaching the end of it.

She has plans to make it special, plans that are as much for her as they are for him. Ordinarily, she would want a glass of wine to relax, but she can't drink, so she's left a negligee in the bathroom to change into later and that will have to do. It can't hurt to get into bed while she waits for him, but when she does, she is so exhausted that she doesn't even realize that she is falling asleep.

"Meredith," Derek whispers, shaking her awake.

She groans. Has she been asleep? She opens her eyes to find him still in the clothes he wore to work, leaning over her side of the bed.

"Hey," he says. He smiles, but she wrinkles her nose in disappointment. This already is so not going the way she wanted it to go. She was hoping to be more ready, more put together, for him.

"Hi," she says, propping herself up. "What time is it?"

"A little after nine. I'm sorry I'm so late," he says. He leans in to kiss her. "How are the girls?"

"Everybody's good," she replies. "It's after nine already?"

"Almost 9:30," he admits. "I'm really sorry."

She waves him off. "Caroline's not awake?" she asks in disbelief.

"She's not," he says, peeking over at the bassinet in the corner of the room. "Where is she?"

"She's in her crib."

"Really?"

They've been talking about trying to get her used to her crib, if not at night, then maybe for a nap or two each day so that eventually she can sleep in her own room. They haven't tried it yet but when Caroline fell asleep at seven, and Meredith thought that Derek would be home by 7:30, she decided to give it a shot.

"Well, she's in her moses basket and the moses basket is in the crib," Meredith admits. "But she's asleep."

"She is," he says, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. "And we—" he kisses her, "—are alone in our bedroom for the first time in six weeks."

"We are." She smiles, and runs her hand through his hair until she cups the back of his head to bring him closer.

"Do you still want to?" he asks.

And even though she feels a long way from sexy at the moment, in her wrinkled pajamas and nursing bra, with sleep still in her eyes, she can't stop herself from saying, "Oh, yes."

He is so careful with her, the way he pulls the covers gently off of her, kicks off his shoes, and leans over her a little more. He lets her push his jacket off his shoulders and lift his shirt over his head before he finally climbs entirely on the bed next to her.

"Is this ok?" he asks as he kisses her, moving his mouth from her lips to her neck and his hands from her cheek to her arms. His hands aren't where she needs them most, but his skin feels good on hers, and he has never had a problem getting her to say yes.

Her mind is struggling to stay in the moment though. It's an issue she has never had before when he touches her, but right now, she keeps thinking that it's already after nine o'clock. He is doing everything he can to relax her, everything that usually spirals her into absolute bliss, but she's still holding on and can't let herself surrender. She knows that baby better than anyone, and instinct, along with her full breasts telling her that the baby is going to need to nurse soon, let her know that this is going to be interrupted very shortly.

Sure enough, he hasn't even gotten her shirt off when Caroline starts to cry down the hall, making it abundantly clear that the window of opportunity she has so carefully carved out has passed.

Derek is still awake when she returns to their bedroom a little while later, but she feels so unlike herself that she doesn't know how to pick up where they left off. Her body has been completely taken over, and while she does love that she is able to do this for their daughter, a tiny part of her resents that she does not feel sexy at all. She feels ridiculous for even taking the negligee out of the drawer in the first place when her nursing bras are pretty much a necessity at this point. But she wonders whether, if they keep going and push through it, she can shake off feeling frumpy and disjointed.

"She's asleep again," Meredith sighs, and crawls into bed with him.

"Want to get some sleep too?" he offers. "Maybe tonight is not the night."

"We could," she says. But she melts when he wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head, and, as good as sleep sounds, she still wants to try. More than that, she still wants them back, and she worries about what it might mean if they put this off. She sits up a little and says, "But we should be good for at least two uninterrupted hours."

"We don't have to," he assures her. "We have all the time in the world."

She shakes her head, and kisses him. "I want to."

He's cautious, asking her before he puts any weight on her or takes her clothes off or touches her breasts, and she moans "yes" over and over every time he asks if what he is doing is ok, if it feels good.

It does feels good, but the best thing is just having each other's undivided attention for the first time in weeks. Their babies are asleep, his patients are taken care of, and right now, her husband is worshipping her. For the first time in weeks, she feels like she might be getting herself back. This all feels good.

He pulls her pants down around her ankles and off, and then dips his hand into her underwear and repeats the action. The combination of his lips on hers, and his hands on her hips as he pulls her closer, makes every nerve in her body thrum. She slips her hands into the waistband of his pants, undressing him too, and, once he's naked, she wraps her hand around him. She grins when his breath catches in his throat.

"Are you ok?" he asks breathlessly. He is kneeling on the mattress, settled between her legs. He strokes the inside of her thigh and pets her, readying her, with his other hand as he leans forward and kisses her.

She nods, and arches up into him. Her other hand runs gently down his side, feeling the hard muscles of his obliques. "Derek," she says, "Please."

He slowly pushes into her, and suddenly, she gasps. It feels different than it did before, uncomfortable and unexpected and not like them at all. He stops immediately. "You're not ok," he says, looking kind of horrified and guilty. "We should stop."

She shakes her head. Pain or no pain, she loves him, and wants to get back to normal, more than anything. If powering through is what it's going to take, then power through they will.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yes," she says. "I want to. Let's just take it slow," she says.

He smiles reassuringly, though he still looks uncertain. "I can take it incredibly slow."

They take their time, but she can't hide the discomfort she feels, and it throws both of them off. They've done slow plenty of times. In fact, he enjoys drawing it out, getting to know every inch of her body and making her moan before he finally gets her off. But it's always been a tortuously pleasurable option, never a physical necessity. Before tonight, she has only ever tried to speed him up, or at least to reciprocate, to give as good as she gets—but she can't do any of that right now.

It's a far cry from what they're both used to: easy and natural and loud and ecstatic. It's the first time that sex with Derek Shepherd hasn't blown her mind and made her toes curl and her legs shake. And right now, it's just one more thing that makes her feel like a part of her has been lost.

Afterward, she doesn't know what to say. It's not like the sex was awful, but the hesitation and the pain are completely disconcerting. She suspects he feels the same way. They lie together under the covers. She rests her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest, and he keeps his arm wrapped tightly around her, stroking her skin gently with the tips of his fingers.

"I'm sorry," he says softly after a few moments of silence.

"Why?" His apology almost makes her feel worse. They've never had to apologize after sex before.

"Maybe we should have waited a little longer," he says.

"Maybe," she replies. "But I wanted you."

He kisses the top of her head. "I wanted you too. I love you."

She presses her lips to his chest, and stares off into space for a few moments. Despite everything, the peace and safety and love she feels when she's wrapped in his arms is still important. She tries not to let that go while she thinks of what more there is to say besides, "I love you too."

Finally, he sighs. "Well," he says matter-of-factly. "Look at it this way. To everyone else in the world, it must have seemed like some sort of cosmic injustice that this has never happened to us before, so now we've evened it out. We may have been the only ones who got mind-blowing every time. It wasn't fair to the rest of the world. So this could technically be considered a public service."

She snorts an appreciative laugh, and suddenly, she feels ok about the whole thing, like it might get better. "A public service?"

"I think so," he says.

She nuzzles closer to him, and runs her hand lightly down his chest. "Mind-blowing or not," she says, "I am happy you're in my bed tonight. I'd still rather be with you than with anyone else."

Zola loves Caroline. Loves her.

Wants to be with her all the time, knows how to soothe her, demands that she get to show her off to everyone she meets. Obsessed.

And the only thing that surprises Meredith about it is that she is surprised. She's not sure why, exactly, because Zola's excitement when she was pregnant was a pretty good indicator of what to expect. Meredith kind of thought that once Caroline was born, and Zola realized that she was going to cry and poop and puke and demand as much attention as she does, that the attraction would wear off. But it hasn't.

Still, when Meredith asks Zola over breakfast if she wants to spend some time together, just the two of them, Zola is thrilled. Derek has the day off, and Caroline is old enough that Meredith feels comfortable leaving her for a few hours—and Zola deserves this.

"Just me and Mama?" Zola asks.

Meredith smiles. "Just me and you."

Zola turns to Derek, who is sitting next to her at the dining room table with Caroline in his arms, and asks. "Caroline will come too?"

Derek grins. "You want Caroline, but not Daddy?"

Zola wrinkles her nose. "Only girls."

"Oh, I see," he says, feigning hurt.

"I think Caroline is going to stay home with Daddy today, Zo," Meredith says. She could bring Caroline if she wanted to, but she hasn't really ventured out with both of them yet, and it seems kind of pointless to leave Derek at home alone. Plus, even though Zola usually doesn't mind, Meredith does feel a little guilty about not being able to give her as much time as she used to.

She settles on taking Zola to Seattle Center that morning. Seattle Center—home of the Space Needle, and numerous museums, arts centers, and green spaces—is close enough that she can get home to Caroline if she needs to, fun enough so that Zola will feel like this is a treat, and everyday enough that Derek won't feel like he's missing out on a major event.

It's unusually warm for early September, and a rare sunny day, so Meredith puts on a pair of long shorts and dresses Zola in shorts as well. She packs a bathing suit and a towel for Zola and they take the ferryboat across the Sound.

When they get to Seattle Center, she changes Zola into her bathing suit in the car first. She wants to take Zola to the International Fountain, a huge structure constantly and artfully shooting jets of water into the air, and then out for ice cream. She's nervous about leaving Caroline because they have never given her a bottle before, and so while she has some ideas for what they might do after that, she doesn't want to let Zola know in case those plans need to be cut short.

On the way to the International Fountain, they pass the ticket office and gift shop for the Ride the Ducks tour ticket office and gift shop. Upon seeing all the ducks in the window, Zola asks, "Can we go in there, Mama?"

They've just spent about a half hour on the ferry, so Meredith has no desire to get into one of the amphibious vehicles and take a water tour of the city. Fortunately, Zola doesn't seem to realize what it actually is; she just wants to look at the duck merchandise.

The place is stuffed with t-shirts, towels, tiny Space Needle figurines, and about a million variations duck-inspired keychains, mugs, postcards, pens, buttons, and other junk that is meant for overeager tourists.

Zola is mesmerized by a display of rubber ducks. They've got plenty of traditional yellow ducks in all sizes, and they also have a lot of rubber ducks in various costumes—princesses, cowboys, superheroes, just about every occupation, and even ducks dressed as other animals. Meredith isn't sure whether it's just the mass of yellow, or if it's all the variety within it, but Zola just stands there and stares.

"Can I have one?" she finally asks hopefully.

Zola never really asks for anything, and so Meredith sees no harm in spoiling her a little bit on occasion. She checks the price sticker on the bottom of one of the ducks, and it's only a few dollars, so why not?

"Ok, let's pick one," Meredith agrees.

Zola's face lights up, but then she looks overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the choice in front of her. She looks like she doesn't know where to start, so Meredith starts pulling ducks off the shelf and suggesting them to Zola.

Zola refuses the chef, the cowboy, the giraffe, the princess, and the pink duck before she finally nods excitedly and reaches out her hands for the girl superhero. Meredith doesn't really worry so much about Zola wanting to be a girly girl from time to time, but she can't help but feel a little bit satisfied that Zola has chosen this particular toy.

"Should we go pay for it?" Meredith asks.

Zola nods, clutching the toy in both hands. "But, Mama, Caroline needs one too!"

Meredith grins, and hopes with everything she has in her that it will stay this way for the rest of her daughters' lives, that Zola will never forget about Caroline or leave her behind.

Zola doesn't see it this way—and, frankly, Meredith doesn't want her to because this is her burden to bear—but Zola and Caroline feel a little bit like a second chance. And it doesn't come as a surprise to her at all that Zola is a better person than she is.

"You're right," Meredith replies, a little surprised to feel like there's something caught in her throat when she speaks. "Caroline needs one too. Which one do you think she would like?"

Zola takes her time, but ultimately can't decide between a baby duck complete with pacifier and bonnet, and a doctor duck in a stethoscope and scrubs that somehow escaped both of their notice the first time around. Meredith buys both.

"How about you share the doctor one?" Meredith asks. "We can keep them in the tub with your other duckies."

"Ok," Zola nods. "We can share it."

"Should we go take the ducks to the water?" Meredith asks.

They pay for the toys, and make their way toward the International Fountain. Zola holds her superhero duck in her left hand, and clasps Meredith's hand with her right.

"Hey, Zo?" Meredith says. Zola looks up at her. "I'm glad that you got a duckie for Caroline too. I'm proud of you."

Zola nods, and pulls a little harder on Meredith's hand for a brief moment to let her know that she has understood what Meredith said.

"How did you get to be such a good big sister?" Meredith asks.

Zola looks confused, and it takes Meredith a split second to realize that she isn't answering because she hasn't had to try. Finally, Zola says only, "It's so easy, Mama."

When they get to the fountain, it takes Zola a few tries to get used to the idea. She isn't quite brave enough to run up to the fountain and touch it while she's still completely dry, but when a jet of water shoots up from the ground and drenches her, she shrieks with laughter.

"Mama!" she cries. As water drips from her skin and hair, she scrunches her shoulders up closer to her ears and smiles. "Wet!"

She runs back to Meredith and asks for her duck, and Meredith watches her pretend to have the duck swim through the tiniest pools of water and ride on top of jets of water. She is pretty accustomed to Zola's style of play, knowing that, right now at least, while Zola is imaginative, she prefers to play pretty normal games like zoo, and restaurant, and hospital. It's rare that Meredith sees her playing in wholly fantasy worlds, but the cape on the rubber duck might be opening up new possibilities, because she's pretty sure Zola knows that ducks can't blast into the air like rockets.

While she sits on the outskirts of the fountain and watches Zola play as the sun warms her shoulders, she calls Derek to check in.

"How is everything going?" she asks.

"Everything's fine here. How's Zo?"

"She's good," Meredith says. "She's playing in the fountain. Did Caroline take a bottle?"

"I haven't tried yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine. She's just snuggling with her daddy at the moment, and we're watching Sports Center. Right, Bee?" he coos.

She loves this voice, the soft, buttery one he uses only on their daughters. She imagines them lounging on the couch—Caroline loves to snooze on Derek's chest—and for a second, she's so taken in that she forgets why she called in the first place.

"Ok, well if she doesn't eat, she's going to scream, Derek."

"I know, Meredith. I've heard her do it."

She laughs sarcastically. "Well, neither of us have heard how loud she might scream if she gets hungry and my boobs aren't there to come to the rescue."

"We have to try it sometime," he assures her. "I promise, I will ask you to come home if I need you. Go enjoy Zola. We're fine."

"You've got to try to get her before she starts screaming. I can get home whenever," she says again.

"I know, Mer," he says. "Ok, they're getting ready to recap last night's Yankees game; this is required viewing. Caroline, say bye to Mama. We'll see you later!"

She hangs up and watches Zola squatting on the concrete, zipping her duck back and forth over the wet pavement. A few minutes later, she gets a text from Derek. When she slides her phone open, she sees a picture of Caroline drinking contentedly from a bottle with a brief message: "Don't worry about me, Mama!"

Zola is getting more daring now that she is completely soaked and basically has nothing to lose. Meredith watches her run to the center of the fountain and back several times, shrieking with delight every time more water hits her. After a few times, she turns back to Meredith. "Come on, Mama!"

Meredith shakes her head, but Zola persists. "Mama, you too!"

Meredith grimaces. She has not packed a bathing suit for herself, and even if she did, she's six weeks postpartum and in no mood to wear it. But it is unusually warm outside, and this is Zola's day after all, and nothing she is wearing won't dry in the sun.

She slips off her shoes and leaves them with her bag on the outskirts of the fountain, on the dry concrete, and she joins Zola under the fountain. It's easy to stay dry at first because they're far enough from the jets that are constantly shooting water upwards and outwards, but then a light stream of water rains down onto her hair and part of her shirt.

Zola laughs. Standing in front of her mother, she stretches up her arms in a request to be picked up. Meredith scoops Zola into her arms, marveling at how big she seems now that she is mostly used to holding a newborn, and Zola wraps her legs around Meredith's waist.

Both of them have wet hair, and Meredith's shirt, which was only damp before, becomes soaked as Zola presses her wet bathing suit into her. Zola wraps her arms around Meredith's neck, kisses her, and says—with so much joy—"You are the best mama!"

After nearly seven weeks at home, Derek can tell that Meredith is jonesing for a surgery. She has been calling him at work, just to check in, since she started her maternity leave, but over the past week and a half or so, she has been calling more and more.

She has a pretty good knack of paging him when he actually does have some time to talk, so much so that he thinks she must be getting his schedule each day from an intern or one of the charge nurses. He even bends their rule of no neuro talk, because he can tell she's desperate.

The surgery he has today, however, he can't bring himself to tell her about beforehand. His patient is fifty years old and has a tumor on his C8 vertebrae, lying over the nerves that control a dozen critical hand functions.

"You've done this before, right?" Matthew Pollock asks from his pre-op hospital bed.

"I have," Derek replies.

"I've been a commercial painter for 30 years," he says. "I need my hands."

"I know," Derek says. "I'm going to be extremely careful, and obviously, we'll do everything we can to preserve as much function as we can."

"These hands feed my kids, Doc. I have no intention of filing for disability. I want to work. I need to work. So I need you to get this one right. Can you help me out with that?"

Derek smiles, and nods. There's no way Mr. Pollock could know how much he understands, how hard he really will try to save his hands, but he assures him again that he will do his very best.

While he scrubs, he tries not to think about the fact that Matthew Pollock has three kids to support and has expressly told him that these nerves are non-negotiable. It's not helping him prepare for what he knows will be a long surgery, and he knows what the stakes are without dwelling on them. Years of practice have made it very difficult to psych him out, but this case feels different.

Mr. Pollock's procedure is a delicate one that involves the careful resection of tumor while avoiding the fragile, critical nerves. Derek takes his time. This guy needs his hands. And so the OR is almost completely silent for hours while Derek works, and he speaks only to give instruction, not for idle chatter.

When he finally closes the Mr. Pollock's back and steps away from the table, he won't let himself breathe a sigh of relief. Not yet.

Meredith calls again once he's out of surgery, but he still doesn't mention the procedure, and she really can't talk either. She just asks him to pick up dinner on the way home, and tells him that she'll see him later.

Later, Brooks pages him to let him know that Matthew Pollock is awake. He is pale and groggy from the anesthesia, and looks small against the pillow. He got the whole tumor, so the patient's symptoms should resolve regardless, but he hopes that he hasn't created a whole new hell for this man.

He watches Brooks do a basic neurological check, and everything looks fine. His vitals are stable, his pain is under control, and he is as alert as he can be for just coming out of a long surgery.

But the real test is when Derek takes Mr. Pollock's hand in his. "Can you squeeze my hand?" he asks softly.

Matthew Pollock doesn't speak, but he does manage to squeeze Derek's hand. Hard. On paper, this is a routine case, but Derek is so relieved and proud of what he has done for this man. A wave of relief rushes over him, and even though Mr. Pollock's eyes are closed in exhaustion and can't see him, his face lights up in a smile.

When he walks in his front door later that evening, with take-out containers and Zola in tow, Meredith puts the baby into his arms within thirty seconds of his arrival and takes the food from him in exchange.

"She just wants to be held," Meredith says, "And I just need a minute."

Caroline is thriving, obviously mostly under Meredith's care. She's put on four pounds since birth, her hair has gotten a little longer, and she looks more alert and aware each day. Derek notices that Caroline is staring up at him with what he swears is a twinkle in her eye, and he would bet anything that they'll finally get a smile out of her soon.

He holds Caroline with one arm and uses his other hand to eat dinner. He throws their rule out the window, and tells Meredith all about Matthew Pollock, and the C8 vertebrae, and the best handshake he's received in a long time.

She drinks it up, asks all the right questions, and congratulates him on a job well done. It's one of the reasons why he loves her so much. She gets it. She wants it just as much. She knows how much it all means.

He and Meredith get the girls in bed, taking turns with the long list of things that need to be done: dinner dishes, baths, feedings, stories, and cuddles. Once he gets Zola into bed, he pops into Caroline's room, where Meredith is nursing her in the rocking chair.

"Zola's asleep," he says. "I'm going to take a shower. Are you coming to bed soon?"

"Yeah," she says. "She's almost done."

Derek slips into the shower in the master bathroom, letting the hot water wash away the stress of a very long day. He's noticed a big difference, either in perception or reality, in how they spend their evenings after having a second baby. Before, it felt like they had a little more time to eat dinner, to relax, to have a glass of wine—even though Zola still needed to be bathed and read to and put to bed. Now, it seems like he's sprinting to work so he can sprint home and then flit in and out of sleep for a few hours before he does it all over again. It's a new kind of exhaustion, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

He's not in the shower for more than seven or eight minutes when he hears the bathroom door open. Before he knows what's happening, Meredith slips into the shower with him.

"What are you doing?" he asks in surprise.

"I'm showering with you," she says simply, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him. "Are you objecting?"

They haven't tried to have sex again since last week. Part of it is just that there is very little time or energy, but if he's being truthful, what happened when they tried last week freaks him out. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he also doesn't know a way around it, and so he's been avoiding the issue and hoping that a solution will just present itself.

But his wife is now wet and naked and standing in front of him, and now it's impossible to avoid the issue. Frankly, she looks so good that he doesn't want to avoid it anyway. Perhaps this is the solution.

"Not objecting," he says, returning her kiss and gasping when she grips him firmly in one hand.

"Good," she says. "Because the girls are asleep, and you saved a life today, and I'm on a contact high."

He laughs a little, but what she's doing to him is quickly making his mind fuzzy. The combination of the water cascading down his back and the blood coursing through his veins is dizzying.

"Meredith," he says breathlessly.

"Derek," she interrupts. "We're getting back in the saddle, or whatever."

"We are," he agrees.

"We are. Are you going to touch me?"

"Yes," he says without a moment's hesitation. She is soft curves and warmth and lips and hands everywhere, and she's quickly making him lose control. He's gentle with her, running his hands up and down her sides and kissing her lips and shoulders and breasts.

She moves backward, and he follows until her back is flush against the shower wall and his body is pressed firmly against hers.

He wants her so much, but he worries. He wants it to feel good for her too. It always has before, and although he knows it isn't anyone's fault, she deserves a release as much as he does. He has always taken great pride in being able to give that to her.

He takes his time, does all her favorite things until she moans loudly and asks for more. He knows her well enough to tell the difference between a shriek of pain and one of pleasure. He's finally gotten the latter. When she wraps her arms around his neck and one leg around his thigh, he lifts her up so she can get both legs around his waist with her back still pressed against the wall.

"Take me for a ride, Derek," she says.

It's one of those mornings when everything feels like it falls into place. He doesn't have to work, both girls wake up happy, and somehow—miraculously—he and Meredith both feel rested. The sky is overcast, but the forecast does not call for rain until the overnight hours, and so he packs a lunch and the four of them make their way to the lake.

Caroline dozes off after a few minutes in the stroller, and Zola walks a few paces ahead of them. They've walked this path before what feels like hundreds of times, but it feels different this time, at least to him. They take Zola here often, but at just over seven weeks since her birth, this is the first time that Caroline is going too.

The lake is beautiful, quiet, peaceful, and perfect for fishing. He loves the view from their house, but this winding walk through the woods, where the trees are spaced just far enough apart to let the light shine in, might be the thing he likes more. Before, he used to think that this unspoiled land, this haven, is why he bought this land, what he wanted out of it. But now, as he watches Zola squat to pick up a pine cone, and then pop back up, skipping along for a few paces like she is making up for lost time, he knows that, even if this isn't why he bought the land in the first place, this is why it still holds value.

They spread a blanket out on the grass in the clearing in front of the water, detach the car seat holding Caroline from the rest of the stroller, and set it down next to them. Zola squelches into the mud at the water's edge in her new pink rain boots. Her old ones, with black and yellow stripes and tiny antenna were outgrown just a few weeks ago and will be saved for Caroline. Even though Zola seems to like her new shoes, she was a little reluctant to part with her old ones until she realized, somewhat delightedly, that her favorite honeybee was going to get bee boots one day. Suddenly, her growing pains were that much easier to bear.

"Mama," Zola calls. "Come with me!"

Meredith takes a peek at Caroline and sees that she's still sleeping before joining Zola at the water. He watches the two of them standing at the edge of the water. Zola is in further than Meredith, who isn't wearing boots, and when she realizes, she backs up to stand closer to her mother and holds her hand. Zola points at the surface of the water, trying to get Meredith to see something in the lake, but Meredith must not be able to because Zola points ever more insistently before she finally shrugs and gives up. She stands there with Meredith for a few minutes, and then inches back towards the water so that an inch of it or so runs over her rubber-clad feet. Still, she never lets go of Meredith's hand, even though they both have to stretch their arms out a little to maintain their hold. As they stay that way, Derek doesn't know who needs to hold onto whom the most.

Caroline stirs in her car seat, bundled in a sweater and knit hat and snuggled under a fleecy blanket. She opens her eyes and stares intently at him. Her focus has improved so much over the past few days, and he loves when she looks at him and knows that she's looking at him.

"Hi, Bee," he coos. "Did you have a good nap?"

He unbuckles her and lifts her gently into his arms, cuddling her until she wakes up fully. "Caroline, look at Mama and Zola," he says. "When you're bigger, you can do that too."

He bends his knees and puts his feet flat on the ground, settling Caroline on his thighs. "Caroline," he says, tapping her nose with the tip of his pointer finger. "Hi, pretty girl."

It doesn't take long for Zola to notice that Caroline is awake, and when she does, she darts back up the bank of the lake, kicks her boots off onto the grass, and crawls onto the blanket next to Derek.

"Hi," Zola says, taking one of Caroline's fists in her hand. "Daddy, you didn't say Caroline woked up."

"She only woke up a few minutes ago, Zo," he says. "You didn't miss anything. How was the water?"

"Cold," Zola says. "Too cold for baby Caroline's feet. But I can go because I'm big and I have boots."

"You're right," he says, and just like that, Zola is up and walking through the grass in her stocking feet, already on to the next thing.

Meredith takes her place at his side, and leans in and kisses Caroline's cheeks and belly over and over. Caroline gurgles and flails her arms at the attention.

"How's my girl?" Meredith asks. She traces her finger lightly over Caroline's cheeks, and can't help but kiss her again. "Caroline, what do you think about the lake?" Meredith asks. "Do you like it? Daddy will take you fishing here with Zola when you're bigger."

He shifts Caroline to the crook of his arm, holding her so she can look out at the water, even though she won't really be able to tell what it is. But she's so calm in his arms, staring peacefully at the scene in front of her, that he thinks that maybe she does know.

"I think she likes it," he says.

"Daddy," Zola calls from a few feet away. "Look what I got!" Zola squats in the grass, her elbows on her knees, and holds up a slimy, wriggling pink worm. "A worm!"

She runs it back to the blanket and holds the creature out to them, like there is nothing at all repulsive about it. "We can take him home, Mama?" she asks. Derek grins. Zola already knows that if she wants something, she needs to clear it with Meredith first.

"Hmm," Meredith says. "I don't know, Lovebug. I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Why not?" Zola whines. "I like it."

"I know, but I think he needs to be with his worm friends."

Zola gives her a skeptical look. "I only saw one. No friends."

"Worms usually are underground, Zo," Derek says. "His worm mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters are all under there, in the dirt. We don't want to take him away from them, do we?"

Zola shakes her head. "I can put him back."

"Ok," Meredith agrees. "But you can find some other stuff to take home if you want. What about another pine cone so Caroline has one too?"

Zola nods excitedly. "Good idea!"

She darts off to put the worm back in the grass, and then starts to scour at the edge of the clearing for pine cones. Meredith gets up too.

"Let me know when you think she needs to eat, ok?" she asks him. "I'm gonna go with Zola."

He holds Caroline, intermittently pressing his lips to the top of her head, while he watches Zola and Meredith pick up three or four pine cones before Zola switches to dandelions, probably because they're easier to carry, though Zola would say it is because they're prettier.

Zola drops a fistful of dandelions, freshly plucked out of the earth, onto the blanket next to him, but then takes one out of the pile and puts it on Caroline's stomach. "That one is Caroline's," she says to Derek in a serious voice. "Don't lose it."

"I won't," he says. He watches Zola go back to Meredith. The two of them, bundled in jackets in the cool autumn air, lie in the grass and stare up at the sky. Meredith has one arm wrapped around Zola, and her head is tilted towards the little girl as she speaks. They're close enough that he can see them so clearly, but far enough away that he can't hear the things they whisper to one another as Meredith points up at the clouds.

"Caroline, there's your mama and sister," he says softly, like he can't believe it, like he can't believe they're there and that this is his life now.

He doesn't let himself think about it very much—the difference between then and now—but when those thoughts do creep up on him, it is almost always here, by this water.

This is where he used to come when he missed Meredith, or when he wanted to save her but didn't know how, or when he wanted her back when he was sure she was lost.

This is the place he goes when he wants to be alone. The morning after he batted Meredith's engagement ring into the ground, the morning after they lost Zola, and the morning after they took Mark off life support were all spent here.

It's strange, then, that this place gives him so much peace because all of those memories are associated with hubris and longing and shame and heart-wrenching grief. But maybe he likes it because he knows that every time he comes here, he thinks about all the times before and how they got better. He thinks about Meredith's face illuminated in candlelight, and of her loopy signature on a blue post-it. He thinks about the stunned disbelief that came with holding Zola in the hallway of the old house, and of Zola toddling towards them, arms outstretched while he fumbled for the video camera. He thinks about the baby in his arms now, who was never supposed to be here, and what Mark would say if he could see Derek following in his father's footsteps, wrapped around the fingers of his two daughters. He would tease him and say that he and Meredith better try for a boy next.

Meredith gets up a few minutes later, and brings Zola back to the blanket with her. "How's she doing?" she asks, reaching for Caroline.

He shifts the baby into her arms. "She's good. Do you want me to feed her, or do you want to?"

He has tried to take the pressure off Meredith when he can, knowing that she has been running herself ragged trying to keep up with Caroline's demanding appetite and that everything will be harder when she goes back to work in a few weeks if Caroline still isn't used to a bottle. Fortunately, while Caroline prefers Meredith, she will let him feed her if necessary.

"You can," she says, "But let's do tummy time for a little bit first. We haven't done it yet today." Caroline grunts and whimpers when Meredith settles her on the blanket, tummy down. "Oh, I know, Honeybee," she says. "Your favorite thing."

Caroline is getting stronger by the day and so she tries to look up at Meredith, supporting her own head the whole time.

"Hey, Zo," Derek says, plucking a thick blade of grass out of the ground. "Watch this."

He situates the grass tightly between his thumbs and blows. The grass vibrates and makes a whistling sound, and Zola laughs with delight. Even Caroline looks up in confusion.

"Do that again!" she says. He obliges and Zola cracks up like it is the cleverest thing she has ever seen. "I can try too!"

She picks her own grass and lays down on the blanket, tummy down just like Caroline, and faces the baby. She tries to mimic him, but can't quite figure out how to do it. She blows into her hands, but doesn't have the grass pressed tightly enough between her thumbs and winds up blowing the grass out of her hands entirely.

Caroline thinks it's funny, though, and her eyes widen as she watches her big sister. Zola tries again and again, to no avail, but on her fourth try, something amazing happens. Zola still can't whistle with a blade of grass, but when she fails again, and the grass goes flying, Caroline's eyes twinkle and her mouth widens in a huge, unmistakable smile.

He looks up at Meredith in stunned disbelief, and he knows that she saw it too because her eyes are full of tears. He can't imagine what this must mean to her that Zola got this milestone. He knows how much she wants them to love one another, how badly she wants them to be close. Zola has made her feelings about Caroline abundantly clear, but this is the first time that Caroline has returned the affection. It's the first time that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they know that the feeling is mutual.

"Daddy!" Zola cries. "Caroline is happy!"

Meredith wipes tears out of her eyes. Seeing her cry, he feels like he could cry too, because he knows that for all that has happened to them in the past, and for all they have lost, there is so much joy to look forward to. Despite everything, and against all odds, these girls are both here, and they are a family.

He thinks that maybe their hearts will always be a little bit broken, that a part of them will always be chipped away and lost due to grief over Mark and Lexie. But all of the parts that are left are so full, and that is something to celebrate. This gummy, drooling smile is proof that life goes on, that things get better, that people can heal.

Suddenly, it seems like they've been waiting for this smile forever.

A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait, but if you made it to the end of this 11,800 word chapter, I hope you can understand why it took so long! Thank you to all of you who have left a comment up to this point. I would love to hear from you again. And I would also love to hear from you if you haven't left a comment before. If you can spare a second, please let me know what you thought!

There was a lot of ground to cover here, and I hope I did it justice! I'm just happy to finish before the last few episodes air. Thank you all again for reading! Bring on Baby Boy Shepherd!

Edit: In my rush to post this the first time, I forgot to thank SingCindyLouSing for her help on this chapter. I really appreciate it! Thank you again :)