I suppose it's been a couple years since I've updated. I still get reviews and favorites from this story so I figure why not let you guys know I'm still kicking aha, since you all were so involved in my life at one point.

Marisa and I broke up last November. I chose my disorder over her. Had to drop out of art school before even starting because I was so sick. My weight bounces between healthy and underweight. I've ditched anorexia I suppose, more of bulimia now. My teeth are ruined. My heart hurts all the time. I'm sore and bruised and overall unhealthy.

But I'm also so very happy now. I'm moving to the ocean. I'm not depressed anymore. I've been off all my medication for a year. Things are not bad.

I don't think I'll live forever, y'know. I've done so much damage to my body and it breaks my heart but I'm at peace with it too. When I go, I go, and I would rather die from this disease than almost anything else. Old age would've been nice but at this point it's just not realistic. I'm a healthy weight right now. Just got it up from where I was passing out and puking blood and scared to drink water. But now it's just purging nonstop and my weight is dropping again and it's just so exhausting.

But it's all going to be okay. I am at peace and happy and I love this disorder in every way I shouldn't.

I like to end my updates in some sort of positive, but today's I'm sorry is just so void of that. It's more about look, eating disorders are absolute hell, get help while you can. Anorexia has ruined every milestone, every relationship, every hope I had for the future.

My writing is even messed up. I can't focus/register what I'm saying really.

Just please get help.

Your life is so important.

xx, Maddy

If you're looking for a sign this is it.