Disclaimer: Lewis owns the Chronicles, if you weren't already aware of that.

You might as well know it: I'm a rabid Narniac. Not a Narnian, but a Narniac. There's a difference. A Narnian, you see, belongs in Narnia. They're either a native or someone brought in specially by Aslan Himself. I'm a Narniac. A Narniac knows everything there is to know about Narnia, but has never been there and doesn't actually believe it exists at all. A Narniac is just a Narnia maniac.

I said I'm a Narniac. I should correct myself and say that I was a Narniac. Now that we've gotten that straightened out, let me tell you about my trip to Narnia.

I'm a modern girl, who loves Narnian fanfiction, who suddenly found herself in Narnia. And you ought to know that when I said I wanted to tell you about my trip to Narnia, I meant I want to tell you about my literal trip to Narnia.

I'm not the most graceful of people. Somehow I manage to catch my sweaters and anything else that hangs loose (like my hair) on everything I pass. So I wasn't too surprised when I tripped on an escalator at the mall. I was surprised when I fell down onto soft green turf in the middle of an archery practice field. And I was completely surrounded by Centaurs.

I was living the dream of every Narniac since the First Narniac. (Which was probably the publisher of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.) So I did the most obvious thing. I pinched myself so hard I screamed. This, incidentally, proves that I am not a Mary-Sue, at least. A Mary-Sue would believe her good luck immediately.

Instantly, four score centaurish swords were pointed simultaneously at my neck. This alone would ruin any Mary-Sue's self-esteem, since no one seemed to want me there.

I was hauled to my feet by a Centaur that had never appeared in any of the movies, and dragged unceremoniously into the deepest, dankest, darkest dungeon Narnia had. My cell mates were an ogre and two hags. Apparently I had dropped into Narnia while the Witch's followers were still being hunted down and tried for treason. NOT GOOD.

I was number two thousand seven hundred and fifty-two on the Sovereigns' list of people to try. I waited in the dungeon for two months. (Actually, considering the amount of prisoners, the Kings and Queens were very efficient.) The hags and the ogre were tried and executed while I waited.

Finally, I was taken up to the great throne room in all my tattered glory, where I faced the dream of all my fangirl friends: High King Peter. Unfortunately for me, the fact that he was actually sitting there made me forget his proper title.

The centaur pushed me forward roughly; I landed face-first on the steps leading up to the dais. All thoughts of charming the High King had been forced from my head weeks before, but even still, I hated that he had to see me like this.

And he spoke to me! He said, "Lady of the Unknown, you are hereby charged with treason."

Great.

"Oh, great High King Peter the Munificent," I stammered out, "I am no traitor. I got here by accident." Literally.

King Edmund spoke, coldly for one so young. "Our royal brother's title is not what you have said, Madam. Surely you do not expect us to take you seriously when you cannot be bothered to remember that."

What had I called him again? Munificent. Right. That wasn't...what was it? Two months in the dungeon had cobwebbed my brain. I tried again.

"Oh, great High King Peter the Magnanimous," I managed to get out this time, "all I wish is to go home. I'm from the land of-"

"Surely Magnificent is not too difficult to remember!" King Edmund burst out before I could finish my sentence.

Oh, no. I'd gotten on the black list of the Just. I tried again.

"Oh, great High King Peter the Magnificent," I said this time, "please let me go home. I don't like it here. I like Spare Oom so much better." I never thought I'd say that.

They didn't believe me, of course. I was immediately sentenced to be hanged.

Narnia, you see, is not the hunky-dory fairyland it's chalked up to be.

On my way to the gallows, I tripped. Sometimes gracelessness comes in handy. For when I opened my eyes, I had fallen on the escalator at the mall. If only I had tripped in prison.

And here ends this odd fic. I was suddenly struck by how unrealistic even the most un-Sueish "girl-falls-into-Narnia" stories are, and I wanted to put Munificent...Magnanimous...Magnificent into a fanfic. Thus this travesty.