Chapter 5

5 Years Later

Timothy awoke to the bright sunlight shining in from the east window of his apartment. With a stretch, he rolled out from under the cream duvet and sauntered to the window where the New York City skyline greeted him with a Sunday's lazy elegance. The sun rose and greeted the city with a smile and Timothy gave one right back. He glanced over to his bedside clock where the red digital numbers blinked 8:43. He didn't have much time to ready himself for the 10:00 mass at St. Peter's Church, so he decided to skip his usual leisurely breakfast at the bistro on the corner of his block and instead began to don his traditional black and red robes of the archbishops.

As Timothy had expected, his work to transform Briarcliff into a seemingly pristine facility had not gone unnoticed by the church officials. Within a few years he was appointed bishop and had quickly arisen to the office of archbishop. Timothy buried himself in his work in an attempt to bury the pain from the scar that Jude had left across his heart. Of course, questions had been asked as to her whereabouts. However, Timothy was just as clueless as everyone else had been. She disappeared into thin air, like a wisp of smoke that he tried desperately to keep in his hands. He had scoured the internet, phonebook, and every other resource he had available to him, but he could not find her. Every time he failed to find her, his heart broke all over again and the memories of finding the rose he had given her crumpled in the trashcan came flooding back. After three years or so, he finally gave up and was forced to face the fact that she did not want anything to do with him. He prayed for strength, but even thinking of Jude and the dreams they shared together sent him spiraling down into a fit of despair. The only way for him to keep himself from falling apart and to continue working in the church was to completely suppress anything to do with Jude. He banished the memories of her soft skin and musical voice from his mind. He couldn't allow himself to drift into the daydreams of lying in bed with her head in his chest, holding her hands in his, or kissing her lips. If he did, Timothy knew he would never be able to pull himself out of it again.

Instead, he took on more duties with the church. Overseeing and advising all the churches in New York certainly gave him enough to do. Between advising priests, inducting new members of the clergy, and maintaining his own relationship with God, Timothy was able to suppress the feelings he had for Jude that threatened to bubble over into the rest of his life. The only way he was able to go on was to pretend that that section of his life didn't exist. That she didn't exist.

Once Timothy was dressed, he stepped into his bathroom for a quick shave and to comb his dark hair. When his chin was smooth and his hair was cleanly parted, he left his apartment and began the short walk to St. Peter's. At 9:15 on the dot, Timothy pushed open the tall oak doors, revealing the place that had become his home in the recent years. The alabaster stone stretched up to the ceiling in arcing triangles as sunlight flooded into the church from the windows high above the ground. Timothy glided over the white tile floor and doled out smiles and nods to the parishioners he passed that had already begun to gather in the pews.

Despite Timothy's ranking, he still liked to attend masses with the general public every Sunday. He wanted to remain close to the members of the church, for he recognized that he was no more important than any one of God's many children. Timothy chose a pew only a few rows back from the front with a clear view of the altar. Even though mass didn't start for another 45 minutes he still chose to arrive at this time every week, on part to secure a good seat in the crowded church and in part to have time to reflect on himself in God's house. Timothy knelt down and clasped his hand together, leaning his forehead upon them. Dear Lord I pray that you grant me the strength to continue my work with honesty and devotion to you, my God. Grant me the clarity of mind and the purity of heart to guide the people that I advise with wisdom and grace. I pray that you guide me in my life as I serve the church with my full heart and spirit.

Timothy lost himself in his prayers and thoughts and before he knew it, the church had filled to the brim and parishioners were packed like sardines into the pews around him. The organ on the balcony had started to play and there was a universal swish as the church-goers stood up to sing the opening hymn. Various speakers stood before the crowd reading scriptures and proclaiming the word of the lord. Time always seemed to pass quickly for Timothy when he was in church. He let the soothing words of the speakers wash over him like calming waves of wisdom and serenity. Soon enough, the mass came to an end and the many people inside the church began to file out of the doors, taking with them blessings and signs of peace. Timothy stood up to return back to his block and enjoy a lovely egg white omelet from the corner bistro, but something… or rather someone, caught his attention.

"Timothy! Come here for I have some very exciting news," called the older, robed gentlemen from the corner of the room. Timothy turned and saw someone that he recognized as one of the members of the College of Cardinals. "My name is Cardinal Raymond Burke. Come Timothy, walk with me. We have some important matters to discuss." Lines appeared on the sides of his eyes as a kind smile spread across his sun dappled face. The pair of men walked to the back of the church before either of them spoke again. "Now Timothy, I want you to keep in mind that the church does not normally accelerate someone through the rankings this quickly. However, the pope believes that you have shown unquestionable devotion and promise in your previous work with the church. For this reason, I would like to personally offer you a position amongst the College of Cardinals. If you choose to, you will come live in Rome and sit amongst the great men of the church." Timothy could barely believe his ears. His knees suddenly felt weaker and his heart began to race with excitement. The College of Cardinals? He had dreamed of this day for so long. He now had the chance to advise the Pope and be on the track to taking that position himself.

"You have no idea what this means to me. I have waited for this for so long and I would be honored to accept the position." Timothy struggled to resist the urge to whoop and holler with joy. His smile was clearly visible through his words, despite his best effort to hide it.

"I had a feeling that you would accept, so I took the liberty of arranging for your transportation to the Vatican. Your flight leaves in a week. You will be contacted in a few days with all the details, but for now I suggest you get packing. Congratulations Timothy. I assure you, you will be very happy in Rome." With another kind smile and a pat on the shoulder, the College member swished away, leaving Timothy to revel in the euphoria of his promotion.

•••

When Timothy returned to his apartment, he had gone into a packing frenzy, folding clothes and packaging toiletries with the speed of a mad man. Only the strident ring of the telephone was able to break his superhuman focus. Timothy picked up the receiver and greeted the other end with a passive hello.

"Timothy? Is that you? It's Marcus." Timothy had not spoken with Marcus Dolon for a few years. Considering the fact the he had given up his search for Jude, he had no reason to.

Timothy felt Jude's elegant hand stroke up the side of his face, looping around his ear, and then resting on the back of his neck. In his ear she whispered, "I love you too."

Timothy felt his knees go weak. Just the sound of Marcus's voice threw him back into memories of Jude that were so powerful they threatened to take over him completely. Timothy tried as best he could to keep himself together and get through the conversation. "Yes Marcus, it's me. I haven't heard from you in a very long time."

"Listen, Timothy, I found her. I finally found her. She just popped up out of the blue. She lives in Edenton, North Carolina at 34 High Ridge Lane. It looks like she went there after Briarcliff to settle down. She's got a daughter that just turned four a few months ago, but no husband. It's lucky though, the girl's school records are the only reason I was able to find them." Timothy's world was tearing at the seams; nothing made sense anymore to him. His arms went limp and the receiver slipped out of his hand, dropping to the floor with a clatter. Timothy's emotions swirled together like they were inside a boiling cauldron of confusion, hurt, grief, guilt, and anger. Timothy could hold it in no longer. In a fit of rage he screamed and threw his upper body across the counter sending the meticulously packaged toiletries flying through the air and crashing into the opposite wall. He flipped his suitcase over spilling clothes all over the floor. Blood rushed to his face as he screamed another time.

"Of all possible times in my life for this to happen, WHY NOW?! AGHHHH! What in the hell am I supposed to do now!"

•••

The warm North Carolina breeze rustled the leaves of the oak tree that broke the sprawling green lawn of 34 High Ridge Lane. A dirt driveway wound up to the front porch of the modest one story house. Timothy had the urge to simply turn around and leave the quaint white house behind, like he was never even here. He wanted to bolt, to run like the coward he was and not face his past mistakes with the woman he had never stopped loving. But he had come too far to not even speak with her. So, with a surge of self-generated confidence, Timothy strode to the porch and rapped on the screen door. Within a few moments, he saw Jude bounding toward the door. She held a tall, thin glass of iced tea in her elegant fingers that had a few beads of condensation dripping down its sides. Her blonde hair was shorter, her curls falling just above her shoulders, and her mouth was slightly parted as if she had just been laughing. But as soon as she had come close enough to recognize Timothy, her face fell. Before she could offer a sentiment of hostility towards him, Timothy greeted her.

"Hello Jude. It's been awhile." Jude was exasperated. How had he found her? She was sure that she had fallen off the map, but apparently not.

"Yes it has." She replied flatly, avoiding his eyes. While standing in the doorway, she shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other in an effort to diffuse some of the awkwardness in the air. Before speaking again, she took a breath, closing her eyes. "Why are you here Timothy? What do you want?"

"I just want to speak with you Jude. That is all I ask. May I come in?" His voice was timid and he could feel it threatening to break. He didn't dare let Jude see his weakness, though. Jude glanced uneasily back into the house and bit her lip slightly.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Jude crossed her arms and stared coldly into Timothy's eyes. She saw through Timothy's forced, tough exterior and saw how crestfallen he truly was. Timothy took a small step closer to her and said with evident desperation,

"Please Jude. Please. I must speak with you. I came all the way from New York solely for that purpose. I don't have to go in if you wish, but can we at least sit down?" He motioned to the two wicker chairs at the end of the porch. Jude sighed and shut the door behind her.

"Fine," she replied curtly. She then walked over to the chairs with her floral summer dress flowing behind her and her heels clicking against the wooden porch floor. Timothy followed her and sat in the chair opposite her. She hadn't aged at all in the past few years. Her eyes still sparkled and her skin still looked as soft as he knew it to be. "Now what is it that you want exactly, Timothy?"

"I want…I want to know why you did it. Why did you leave me like you did? Why did you disappear? We could have been so happy, Jude." With this last sentence, Timothy lowered his head and waited for some explanation as to why she had broken his heart and then proceeded to stomp on it.

"You know perfectly well why I left. I knew that it would be easier for both of us if I did. You could have the life in the church that I knew you wanted more than me. And I wouldn't have to feel guilty and dirty every day or feel like I was holding you back. It's better like this. I hear you're archbishop now. You never would have been able to have that with me still in your life."

"Jude, how could you say that? In the past 5 years, I've wished you were beside me more times than there are number of stars in the sky. I would give up everything if only I could be with you." Jude scoffed at this remark as soon as she heard it.

"We both know that's not true," she said darkly, glaring at him. Suddenly, the screen door creaked open and a small girl with Jude's curly blonde hair collected into a loose pony tail stepped gingerly out onto the porch. She walked up next to Jude's chair and gave Timothy an innocent smile before addressing her mother.

"Mommy I finished my painting. Can I watch TV?" Jude pushed a stray lock of her daughter's hair out of her eyes and smiled at her.

"Alright fine, but only one show. I don't want you to rot your brain, darling." The girl then tottered back in the house, leaving the former lovers in private. Timothy watched her waited until she was back into the house to speak again.

"She's beautiful Jude. Is…is she my daughter? Have I been a father for all these years?" Timothy already knew the answer to this question, but he had to hear it from her.

"Yes Timothy, she is your daughter, but don't you dare call yourself a father. You're nothing more than a sperm donor. I've raised Leah all by myself for 4 years. She doesn't have a father." Jude's words cut into Timothy like razors.

"You never gave me a chance to be! You ran away without a word to me!"

"And what if I hadn't? You asked me…no. You told me I was getting an abortion without even asking me how I felt about it. Do you have any idea what that would have done to me? It would have destroyed me! And you just had it all under control like it didn't even faze you. If I stayed I would have had to sacrifice everything I believe in. I would have had to sacrifice my daughter!" Jude's emotions that she had locked away deep inside of her were beginning to swell in her throat.

"I'm so sorry for what I did to you Jude, I truly am. I failed to see any implications beyond ones that affected me. But when you left, I was destroyed. I didn't know how to live without you. My heart broke over and over again for each time I looked up and you weren't there. The only way for me to survive was to bury all of my pain and pretend that I didn't lie awake every night praying you'd come back to me. I tried for years to find you. You were all I wanted. You're still all I want. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the last 5 years in which I have not thought of you. I've never stopped loving you Jude, and I now know that I never will stop. I pray you know that." Timothy's voice broke off at the end of his last word.

Jude didn't know how to respond. She was no stranger to the sleepless nights, to lying awake aching for him and for his touch. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't missed him and nearly gone running back to him. She had diluted herself into thinking that she didn't need him for far too long. Although Jude refused to admit it to herself, she was still as madly in love with Timothy as she was when she was at Briarcliff. But she thought of the life she had with Leah. Her beautiful, amazing daughter was far more precious than being with any man. Leah was a piece of Timothy that would always be hers, even if she couldn't have him. Her daughter was the single most important thing in her life and nothing would ever change that. Her heart ached for Timothy, but as much as it hurt her, Leah mattered more to her than anything else.

"Timothy, my Timothy. You have to go. I'm sorry, but you have to." Timothy felt like all the weight and sorrow of the entire world had been dumped on top of him. Tears blurred his vision and his chest tightened. Why was she doing this? He couldn't live without her; she was his oxygen, his life and his world. Without her, he was nothing more than a broken clock, counting the days without meaning or purpose. Timothy couldn't let her slip away again.

"Jude, please. Please don't do this. I need you more than air. My heart will never let go of you and I will leave everything behind for you and our daughter. I want to be the father to her that I know she needs and the husband to you that you deserve more than anything else. Please, I want nothing more than to work this out with you." Jude could feel herself falling under his spell just as she had so many times before. But she wouldn't let it happen to her again. She wouldn't let herself fall for his heartfelt words or desperate eyes.

"I have to ask you to leave now. Don't make this any harder than it already is for me." Timothy stared back at her, confused like a lost puppy. Raising her voice slightly, she implored, "Please Timothy. Just go." She looked down into her glass. The ice clinked against the edges as Timothy rose from the chair and stood above her. He waited for some sort of acknowledgement, but Jude couldn't bring herself to look at his eyes that were swimming with tears and pain. He stood there for a few moments, but then, without a word, he exited the porch and started walking back towards his rental car. The small stones that interrupted the expanse of the driveway crunched beneath Timothy's shoes as he walked away from the only happiness he had ever known. Before he open the door to the compact black sedan, he glanced back up to the porch. Jude had moved from her place on the chair and was now standing next to one of the beams, holding on to it for support. Without warning, she suddenly set her glass down and reached out her hand to him. She then flew down the steps and started to run towards him. He was dumbfounded by this action, but Timothy felt his feet moving beneath him. When they got to each other, Jude placed her hands on Timothy's chest, near his collar.

"I can't do it Timothy. I can't let you leave. I need you with me." Jude's words graced Timothy's ears like notes of sweet music. With all the pent up longing and heartache and sorrow that Timothy had suffered the past years, he grabbed Jude by her waist and with one hand on the nape of her neck, he kissed her with a passion and longing that neither of them even knew existed. Their matching mouths fit together for what seemed like the first time after a lifetime of waiting for each other. Timothy held Jude in his arms and she wrapped her arms around him as well. Their embrace seemed to last forever. Every feeling of betrayal and anger that they had felt towards each other seemed to dissolve and was overpowered by the belonging that they both felt in each other's arms. Jude pulled away from the kiss that she had waited years for and laid her head on Timothy's chest.

"I love you Timothy Howard."

"You cannot even begin to imagine how long I have waited to hear you say that. I have always loved you Jude, and I swear to you that I always will." Timothy's heart swelled, for his rare bird had flown home, back in his arms.

•••

Cardinal Burke broke off the seal to the envelope and pulled out a handwritten letter on plain lined paper.

Dear Cardinal Burke,

Although I greatly appreciate the offer you have made to me, I must respectfully decline. In the past few days I have had time to ponder what I truly want out of life. The church has provided me with a home and a passion for many years now. However, I have found the place where I truly belong. I have come to realize that love and family is far more important than any title or amount of power that the church can give me. For this reason I have decided to renounce my vows. I firmly believe that the priesthood is no longer the place where I can continue on God's path for me. I apologize if my decision has created any inconveniences, but I know now that I am needed in far more important places besides the Church.

Sincerely,

Timothy Howard

"Hmm," Cardinal Burke thought aloud, "What a shame. He would have made a phenomenal pope."