Author's Note: This fanfic is a rewrite of the freeware RPG game OFF, made by a guy named Mortis Ghost. Originally released in 2007 in French, an English translation can be found on the ever popular Starmen dot net forum. Go give the game a try before reading this! Since this is supposed to be a non-serious rewrite, the dialogue won't exactly match up with the game, and this will be less serious (until the latter chapters, of course) than the source material. Anyway, let's get this started!

-OFF: The Unflattering Rewrite-

- This fan-fic is a rewrite of a game that could be disturbing to some audiences; this fanfic is here to downsize this. This is a fun game for cute children after all.-

HyperInuyasha presents, in collaboration with Unproductive Funtime (except not really)...

OFF by Mortis Ghost

Enter your name.

Hyper and Readers

Are you a boy or a girl?

Boy
Girl
Does it really matter?

Okay fine. Be a smartass. Anyway, you have been assigned to The Batter, some sort of sports pajama wearing clown. He's on a sacred mission to be a Ghostbuster. Or whatever. Since this is a non-interactive medium, please at least watch this guy and make sure he doesn't do anything too rash.

Chapter 0: The Uninteresting Zone 0

A man wearing baseball player garb stood at the entrance of a yellow colored place, surrounded by floating blocks; why he was here other than anywhere else, I don't know.

"Neither do I." The Batter answered.

Fair enough. The Batter walked across a yellow bridge to a building; the only building in Zone 0, to be precise. He took a quick glance around his surroundings; it was just strange seas, as far as the eye could see. The only land in Zone 0 seemed to be the building and its foundations; why anyone would create a land without any use, no one knows. Get your theory pants on, guys!

"Oh, what do we have here?" A cat strode out of the building; he had much more teeth than the average cat, but his intelligent looking smile seemed friendly. "Are you an illusion? I'm fairly certain that you are, considering that I'm the only resident of Zone 0. Yes, definitely. What my your name be, dear figment of my imagination?"

"I am The Batter. I'm here on a sacred mission." The Batter answered in a stoic tone.

"I wasn't referring to you; rather, I was referring to the observers sitting behind the metaphysical fourth wall." the cat looked at the narration, hoping that I would catch it and record it in the story. Which I just did.

"Those are the Readers; one of them is Hyper, the narrator. The Readers can't talk to us, except for Hyper. He breaks the fourth wall in his stories anyway."

Hey, how's it going?

"It's nice to meet you, even if you are nothing more than a hallucination." the cat answered back. "I am The Judge, talking member of the feline species. We felines do enjoy rubbing ourselves upon passerbys; they gawk at us as we adorably size up to them." The Judge walked up to the Batter and started rubbing himself on his leg.

"Stop. You're getting cat fur on my clothes." The Batter said in disdain.

"Hmm? You are not enjoying this playful treatme-"

The Batter shot a cold glance at the cat, his stare looking into his soul. "Step away from my uniform."

The Judge hissed and jumped away from him. "That was rather cold-hearted, wouldn't you say? It was an interesting meeting, nevertheless. I hope we could all meet again, so I could confirm your existence." With that, the Judge teleported up the side of the building, since climbing ladders are for squares.

Speaking of squares, the Batter went over to one of the doors available; a square block stood in front of the doorway. He tried to climb over the block, but to no avail. "This block is obstructing my path." Inside his head, the Batter cursed Mortis Ghost for making him unable to climb over a knee-high block. He tried the other door; he found himself in a small room with numbers engraved on the wall. "Strange..." With nowhere else to go; the Batter decided to exit the room and go up the ladder. The Judge was there, waiting for us.

"Aha, it appears that you and your party are all indeed real. Excuse me for doubting your existence. While we are on this path, do you wish for me to enlighten you with some teachings on the fundamentals of battling? It may serve useful in your quest." the Judge questioned.

The Batter shook his head. "There's no point, really."

"...Ah yes. I do not wish to bore the Readers with my teachings; I already suspect that I'm already exhausting them with my extensive vocabulary... however downsized as it may be." The Judge continued up the building and entered through a staircase on the roof, with the Batter following suit. Inside was a room with floating block switches in the corners of the room, another wall engraved with numbers, and of course, the obligatory knee-high block blocking the staircase to the next floor.

"What's with these switches?" asked the Batter.

The Judge chuckled. "It's my security system. Of course, it's hardly much of a system, considering the hints on the wall; then again, intruders would have to make sense of these clues to delve deeper into my home. Why don't you attempt to solve this problem?" The Judge suggested. The Batter nodded, and, using the hints on the wall, hit the switches in the correct sequence, which caused the block obstructing the staircase to disappear; I would tell you precisely how the Batter did it, but this is a fanfic, not a walkthrough. Our hero followed the feline down the steps and was confronted with another set of switches. "Come now, use that cerebral organ in your head and bring us to the ground floor."

"...Why am I unlocking all of your doors for you?"

"You'll probably find other security systems of this nature throughout your proclaimed journey, so it would be wise to practice with such puzzles in case you run into predicaments." The Batter sighed and went about solving the puzzle.

"Are you satisfied?" The Batter questioned through clenched teeth.

"Oh yes!" The Judge ran down the stairs; the Batter saw the talking cat gorging on a bowl of cat food. "Om nom... the succulent reward reveals itself... hmm... Alma Cat Food. Truly Zacharie has outdone himself."

The Batter did not know who this Zacharie guy was, nor did he care; his attention was on yet another switch puzzle, which blocked the door to the other side of the building. "Could you get rid of this for me?"

"Om nom nom... this food is so splendid..."

"Of course." The Batter groaned. He went through the other available door, which led him back outside. He visited the other room, memorized the numbers on the wall, went back, and inputted the combination on the switches, granting him access to the other side of the building. Outside was a walkway similar to that on the other side, except with a red block in the center.

The Judge came out of the building. "Ah, interacting with that block heals any wounds you've accumulated, restores your competence (aka the equivalent of skill points in this game), and it brings you to the nothingness, a hub world of some nature, which allows you quick passage to the other zones of this world. As you can see, this is a red cube, which contrasts horribly with the color of this wasteland; you'll eventually come across cubes that are the more appealing color of yellow, which merely just heals you. I tend to travel through the zones a lot, with these red cubes as helpful aid. Wait, hold on..." The cat started to cough; he then spit out a hairball with a card inside of it. "Ack... I believe I consumed too much. Anyway, this is a strange trinket referred to as a Leo Card, which gives you passage to Zone 1. I have a spare card myself, so you are welcome to make use of it yourself."

"...Thanks?" the Batter responded, holding the card in his fingertips.

"Right then, I wish the best of luck for your lot; Batter, Hyper, and the Readers." The Judge started back inside before turning around. "Excuse me for this inquirement, but why are you wearing the garb of a baseball player, of all things?"

The Batter glared at him again.

"...Yes, I shouldn't be judging the interests of others, as strange as it may be. Enjoy your travels, my sportive friend and enlightened observers!" With that, the Judge went back into his residence. The Batter calmed down and placed his hand on the red block...

Suddenly, he was in a dark realm. A floral like design was on the floor, with various red points strewn across it; whispering could be heard from all directions, coming from nowhere in particular, filling the Batter's ears; most baffling of all was the words 'WORLD MAP (?)' inching across the floor. "...Mhm hmm. Preeeety neat." He admitted. He stepped on one of the red points; the Leo Card started to react to it. The Batter smiled, placing his hands around his baseball bat weapon. "Hyper, Readers... let's go purify the world."

The Batter disappeared into a halo of light as he entered the true first zone; he thought Zone 0 was pretty lame.

The story is now on PAUSE

Author's Note: Are you enjoying this? I hope so. There are currently 24 chapters planned for this rewrite; if I write one chapter a week then this story would take... 6 months to complete. Yeowch. It'll be a fun six months though. Remember to leave reviews, be it compliments, criticism, or death threats!