UPDATE: I've been thinking a lot about this story and I've decided to split it, because the first chapter is not so related with the rest of the story. So if you want to continue reading this story, you can do that in "The Pain always comes back" (I'm not very good with titles, sorry for that). That fic will be FemShep and Liara exclusively and will deal with Shepard's dead.

Thanks for your understanding! :)

Author's note

This is my first ME fanfic and English is not my mother tongue. I can't imagine ME characters speaking in Spanish, so I decided to write this story in English.

I imagined this a thousand times in my head and I just wanted to write it down and read it. But then I decided to post it here, just in case anybody else enjoys it. It didn't come like I expected, because I'm not so good expressing things in English. Sorry if there are some mistakes. Suggestions and reviews are always welcomed!

Confessions

Shepard strode out of the communications rooms after speaking with the Illusive Man. She has been waiting for him to betray her, it was just a matter of time, but his actions were troubling. Shepard wouldn't allow him to put her crew in danger on purpose.

But the Commander was not so worried about him, because after all he was not aboard the ship. He was an asshole, with lot of resources, but nothing more than an asshole. She was more concerned about Ms. Lawson.

When Shepard entered the Normandy after the mission, her XO wasn't there; even given the circumstances that she probably knew it was a trap. That's what worried her more. What if Miranda knew about the distress call? What if she was doing what the Illusive Man wanted her to do?

Shepard was tired. She hated Cerberus, and she didn't trust the organization, but she felt she could trust Miranda. At first the Cerberus Operative was just a bitch, but then, after lot of conversations, she began to act warmer with Shepard, like she really wanted to show herself to the Commander. That was until they rescued Oriana. After that she became the same bitch she was at the beginning. That Ice Queen everybody said she was.

So Shepard was now almost running to the crew deck to solve this issue with her. She wanted to hear from her XO's lips the truth, not only if she knew about the trap, but also what happened to her.

Once she walked out of the elevator almost every eye in the room was fixed on her, but she didn't care. She continued her path until Miranda's door opened and closed behind her.

Miranda didn't seem surprised and she pronounced that words Shepard hated so much.

"Commander, what can I do for you?" she said without looking at Shepard.

Miranda had tried so hard to keep their relationship as professional as possible, but Shepard was making that task quite difficult. Since the beginning, Shepard tried to reach Miranda, and every conversation they had, became more and more unrestrained, like they were actually becoming friends. Miranda didn't like where things were going, let alone when she was in the uncomfortable position of asking Shepard for help. So after that, she decided to stop and started acting like the Ice Queen again. After all, Miranda always thought that there was no point on making friends, because they probably wouldn't come back from the Omega 4 Relay.

"Lawson," Shepard started speaking in a surprisingly calmed tone. It seemed like all the anger just slipped away and was replaced by concern. "I'm gonna ask you one question and I want you to answer me honestly, please."

Miranda looked up from the computer. "Of course, Commander."

"Did you know anything about that mess? And please, don't even try to tell me you don't know what I'm talking about."

Miranda watched Shepard carefully and answered her honestly "No."

"Are you sure?" Shepard looked straight into Miranda's blue eyes. Sometimes she got lost in those cerulean eyes, forgetting she was looking at Miranda and not Liara. That reminded her that Liara wasn't at the Normandy anymore. Now things were totally different. She was in a Cerberus vessel and there was no one behind Dr. Chawkas medical bay. Yes, Joker and Garrus were there, but Liara wasn't. She missed her so much that when she had some spare time, she just sat in the couch at her quarters with a whiskey in one hand and Liara's photograph in the other.

In the first Normandy, Liara had been her escape from all the nightmares that had haunted her and all the burdens she had to carry because of her decisions. The problem was that Shepard, still had those burdens and nightmares.

"Of course, Shepard." said Miranda while getting up from the chair and walking towards her Commander. "Don't you think if I knew I would tell you?"

"I… I don't know…" Shepard sighed and closed her eyes.

"That I'm part of Cerberus doesn't mean I approve everything the Illusive Man says or does"

"I suppose you are right." Shepard seemed confused and Miranda's muscles were tight and her hands were shaking. She was looking at Shepard THAT way again, and she hated it. She has to keep the façade, no matter what.

"I'm glad we cleared that up." She felt her voice tremble and hoped Shepard didn't notice. "I should get back to work." Miranda came back to her computer and started typing again. Not that she knew exactly what she was writing.

Shepard didn't leave. She noticed Miranda's voice trembling and how her hands were shaking. She doesn't understand her behavior anymore. The Commander just stood there looking at the Operative, every move of her hands in the keyboard, her blue eyes looking straight into the computer screen. She analyzed every inch of her face and understood that she had to solve this as soon as possible.

Miranda was wondering why Shepard stood there in silence. She could feel her Commander's gaze fixed on her and she was starting to get really nervous, so she stopped what she was doing and looked up at Shepard.

"Is there anything else I can do for…?"

"What's wrong with you?" she asked with a bit of anger in her voice.

"I am sorry. I don't understand…"

"I saw your face and your hands. I bet you are not even writing something that makes sense there. What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. I was thinking about the amount of work I have to do. I can't waste any minute."

"Bullshit!" Shepard threw up her arm up at her. "I don't know what the hell is happening, but I'm not leaving until I figure this out"

"I'm fine. Nothing happens."

"You know what? I'm tired… You don't wanna talk? Fine. I´ll do it!"

Miranda buried her face in her hands and prayed Shepard to leave. "Just let it go, please."

Seeing Miranda like that was not something she would have expected. The Commander always was patient and cared for her crew, but she didn't know what to think about her XO. One day they were having a nice talk and the other she was acting like a bitch again.

Shepard started pacing the room, her anxiety increasing. "I'm tired of your attitude. You spent two years rebuilding me. You know everything about me, every inch of my body. Hell, I'm sure you know it better than I do!" Shepard stopped her monologue and looked at Miranda. Her elbows where still resting on the table, while her face was buried in her hands. "You were a bitch. Since the beginning I understood why everybody called you the Ice Queen. You were cold. You acted like I was just a fucking project!" Shepard sighed. "I knew better. You were just showing a façade, one that I thought I could get through. And I think I did, but then we were back at the beginning, as if I'd just wake up at Lazarus station."

"Please Shepard, let it go…" Miranda composed herself and finally looked at her CO.

"I can't…"

Now Miranda was angry and blue energy glowed from her body. "Why don't you accept that not everybody in this ship wants to be your friend!?" she said at the same time she got up from the chair and looked at Shepard almost fiercely.

Shepard didn't say anything. She waited for Miranda's biotics to disappear and they finally did. The Operative walked to the couch placed next to the bed and collapsed there. Shepard followed and sat next to her, but with enough distance between the two of them.

"I'm sorry Miranda, but I don't buy that!" Miranda's eyes snapped up. She though Shepard would leave it there. At least, for the moment, but it was clear there was no way out of this. "You open yourself to me and after helping you with your sister, you locked yourself again. You avoid me; you don't want to talk with me, unless it's something work related. Sometimes I even find your door closed…" Shepard despair was clear in her voice. "I don't understand… I'm worried about you."

"Why exactly do you care?" Miranda looked into Shepard's green eyes and felt the rest of the world went blurry.

"Because you are part of my crew now. I care for you."

"So it's a must…" Miranda looked down like she had been defeated. Back to reality, she thought.

"It's not a must. I DO care about you." Shepard closed a bit the distance between them.

"You are making this very difficult…" Miranda took a breath and glanced away.

"Then, explain me what's bothering you and I'll try to make it easier."

"Oh, Shepard. Sometimes you are so oblivious …" Miranda jumped up leaving behind a more than confused Commander. She walked towards the window just in front of the couch and looked at the stars. "Why are you really here?"

"I told you."

"That's not the real reason. You are smart. Think."

"I'm not following you…" Shepard approached Miranda, until she was behind her.

"Why did you always come here to talk? Why did you help me with my sister? Why did you brush away my tears?" Miranda paused and Shepard noticed anger and pain in her XO's voice. "Why are you here!?"

Shepard blinked a few times and realization came alone. Now she knew why Miranda was so hard on her before. She didn't expect this turn of events and she definitely wasn't sure what to do next. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

"I… Miranda… I don't know what to say." Shepard was looking at Miranda like a person who had been beaten not knowing where the hit came. Hurt and confusion flooded those green eyes.

"I'm sorry Shepard."

"I should be the one apolog-"

"I'm sorry because I'm not sure how I let this happen! This is not like me! I saw you with Garrus and Tali. They are your friends, but I… I've never let anyone get this close to me. Not even Niket."

"You don't have to explain-" Shepard reached for Miranda trying to make her understand that it was ok, but Miranda refused.

"Shepard please, you already talked too much. Let me do this. If I don't do this now, I will not find the strength again." They looked into each other's eyes and Shepard just nodded. "I thought I knew everything about you. I studied ever single part of your being, not only your body, but also your personality, your actions, your life…" Miranda turned around and looked to the stars across the window. "When I saw how you acted on Freedom Progress and how you tried to know who Jacob and I were, not even caring about Cerberus, I realized I didn't know anything about you, and that made me hate you." She paused letting her words settle in for Shepard. "But you started coming to my office often and I was pissed because I couldn't figure you out. I'm not sure how you managed to lead the conversations, but I ended up enjoying our talks." She turned her head slightly to look at Shepard and smiled a bit, it only lasted a few seconds and Miranda looked again to the stars. "You know what happened with Oriana. You didn't hesitate and a minute after I told you, you set coordinates to Illium." Miranda shook her head looking down. "You helped with my sister and brushed my tears away after convincing me to speak with her. It was in that moment when I realized how I felt. I think part of me already knew it, but I wasn't strong enough to admit it." Now Miranda´s voice was shaking. "You were right. I'm only human and like every human I can also fall in love." Shepard just stood there trying to process what Miranda was saying and she couldn't help but felt the need to hug her and tell her that it was ok, but she didn't do it. "But as soon as I knew how I felt, I realized that I had to end it, because only 15 minutes later…"

"…we went to Liara's office." Shepard sounded defeated and Miranda finally turned to face her Commander.

"Yes." She said tears in her eyes.

Shepard didn't need to think too much to remember what happened at Liara's office. They kissed… They kissed in front of Miranda.

"Oh, Miranda, I'm so sorry." Again she felt the need to reach Miranda and hug her, but it wasn't obviously the right thing to do at that moment.

"I'm not Shepard. I was a fool, because deep in my heart I knew there was something between you two." And she was right. Shepard loved Liara. She was the reason she was fighting for. She couldn't imagine living in a world Liara didn't exist. "Now that you know what happens, I hope we can keep our relationship as professional as possible." An uncomfortable silence swept the room.

Miranda started walking towards the computer but she felt a hand wrapping around her arm that stopped her. She looked back at Shepard, who had her gaze lost nowhere. Miranda was sure some minutes passed, but she stood there waiting for Shepard to say something.

The Commander found the enough courage and turned to look at Miranda staring directly into those blue eyes. "I felt comfortable around you. All the things that haunt me just went away during our talks. I didn't know what was happening and probably I was selfish because, believe me, I tried to go talk with the rest of the crew, but I still felt all the burdens inside me." She took a deep breath and approached Miranda caressing her cheek. Miranda's hand joined her Commander's trying to taste every minute. "You were the only person in this ship that made my days more bearable and, to be honest, I'd lie if I said part of me doesn't want this." Their eyes met again and it was as if time had stopped. She would have loved to just kiss Miranda right there, but she knew that's not how things worked, at least not for her. "You know I can't do this." she whispered weakly.

"You love her…" A tear rolled down Miranda's cheek. Shepard didn't have to say anything, because the answer was shown in her eyes. "She loves you a big deal, Commander." Shepard remembered how weird Liara behaved after the kiss. She was not the same and she kept talking about her friend and the Shadow Broker, so she wasn't entirely sure if Liara felt the same, but it seemed Miranda was pretty sure about it. "I noticed her expression changed since the last time I saw her. She was alive again, both of you."

Shepard she withdrew her hand slowly and took a step back. Since the last time she saw her? Shepard thought to herself. She didn't have to say anything, because Miranda already perceived her confusion."You should ask her how you end up in my hands."Shepard didn't understand a thing. What has to do Liara with that? She decided not to ask Miranda about it, because she didn't want to push her, much less now.

"Well, Commander," she said sitting back on her desk. "You don't have to worry about this issue anymore. It won't affect my duties." Shepard came to face her. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" The façade was back and Shepard was sure there was no way to come back. She went there looking for answers, but the answers changed everything.

"No, Ms. Lawson. I'll let you work."

Miranda returned to the computer. Before she left, Shepard looked back at her XO.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, too quietly for Miranda to hear. Then she walked out the door.

A/N: If you find a big mistake while reading it, please send me a private message and I'll correct it.

This story continues in "The pain always comes back".