Broken

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She was fed up now. She didn't care anymore. She didn't care about anything. All she wanted now was to take a blade to her skin and cut. That was the only thing on her mind as she drove back to the Temple, not at all paying attention to the speed limit. She didn't care. Speeding tickets were the last thing on her mind at the moment.

Why had Anakin acted like that? Sure, she knew she was a terrible Padawan, but he acted like everything was her fault. She couldn't help being given to Anakin! If he really didn't like her that much, why didn't he just send her back? He never wanted her in the first place, so why had he kept her?

It was so confusing. A few tears streamed down her face, though, they were quickly brushed away. Crying was pathetic, she told herself. Crying was for weak children. And she was not a child. She was an adult and deserved to be treated as one.

Anakin just thought that she was just some pathetic Youngling. No, he thought she was less than that. She'd never be able to live up to his expectations. That was just it. He'd basically just told her that.

She hated never being good enough. She'd never been good enough. If she had been, she would have been chosen as an Apprentice, not given away. For once in her life she wanted to be enough.

Tears still shining in her stormy blue eyes, she walked through the door of their shared quarters, tossing the speeder keys on the table roughly. They keys slammed down on the golden wooden surface, making a loud bang sound which echoed around the whole room.

She stormed into her room, yanking her sleeve up and removing her blood stained gloves.

She couldn't think straight, she felt like she couldn't control herself. Soon the knife was pressed to her arm and blood started to stream down, her body emptying itself of her blood while her mind numbed. She just didn't want to think, didn't want to feel.

She was feeling so many things at that moment and she wanted them to stop and give her a break, just for once. She was so angry with Anakin, and even more at herself. Anakin had proved that he didn't think she was good enough, confirming her fears she'd kept hidden since she was fourteen. Why hadn't she been a better Apprentice? Why wasn't she good enough?

Voices screamed inside her head, telling her that she was worthless and had never been good enough. The voices would not stop, though. They were too strong this time, and the cutting wasn't helping at all. It did, however, numb down her raging emotions, but the voices just wouldn't stop.

Hated.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

With each word that echoed in her head, she felt as if she were being torn apart more and more. She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want anything to do with living anymore; she didn't care if her actions would make her look like a coward. She just wanted it all to end.

Not that anyone would miss her anyway. Anakin had proved that he didn't want her, the Clones hated her, and she had no friends… Honestly, what was there to live for? She was positive that Anakin was going to send her back. And no one had chosen her to be their Padawan when she was still a youngling, so why would they choose her now? The voices were right; she was worthless and no one wanted her around anyway, so if she just died it wouldn't matter would it?

"Nobody cares…" She whispered to herself as she made another cut in her forearm.

The pain she felt was absolutely unbearable. She couldn't live like this. Any type of physical pain would have been better than what she felt on the inside.

Ahsoka studied her wrist. It was clean – it had no cuts and no scars. She'd never cut there, she'd always cut in places where she wasn't likely to lose too much blood. However, this time would be different.

She brought the sharp blade to her wrist and pressed down hard. This would be the end of her. She was going to die now. The thought of her dying was slightly comforting – she'd finally be happy again, and she wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore. It would be better for everyone if she weren't around.

Though, she did feel slightly selfish. She was about to end her own life because of her stupid, pathetic problems, all caused by her own actions. Lots of people had it worse, yet they still carried on. Others had lost all their family in the war, others were slaves and there were others who were homeless and had nothing and no one.

Another voice, however, was telling her that her decision was not selfish. She was a pain; a burden to everyone. She was a walking disaster – she ruined everything and others got hurt because of it. If she did die, people wouldn't have to deal with her anymore and they could get on with their life's and not have to worry about the next stupid thing she would do. It'd be better for her and everyone else around her.

Yeah, she wasn't being selfish… She was thinking of others more than herself. This was for them.

Just as she was about to cut her wrist, the door opened and a very shocked looking Anakin entered the room.

"Ahsoka?! What are you doing?!" He rushed forward and wrestled the knife out of her shaking, pale hands and threw it across the room. The blade clattered to the floor, droplets of crimson blood splatting onto the floor.

"Give that back!" Ahsoka screamed, reaching for the knife, blood streaming down her arm and onto the floor.

"Ahsoka…" Anakin knelt down in front of her, a look of pure shock, fear and disbelief on his face. This was his Padawan and she was trying to end her own life. How did he let this happen?

Anakin wrapped his arms around the broken girl, not caring that her blood and her tears were soaking and staining his clothing. He tightened his grip on her as she started to cry even more.

This was all his fault.

If only he had treated her right. She made one mistake and that had caused everyone to turn their backs on her. He should have supported her when she needed him…and he had done the complete opposite. He'd pushed her away and made her think that he didn't care.

It's what everyone had done, including the people she thought as family. Plo Koon, Rex, Obi-Wan… They'd all hurt her and she couldn't handle it.

"Ahsoka I am so, so sorry…" He whispered to her, tears forming in his own eyes. She was just a child; she didn't deserve to be in enough pain to want to end her own life. Nobody deserved that.

She only cried more. "I j-just don't w-want to be h-here anymore…" Her shoulders trembled terribly, and he held her tighter.

Anakin honestly had no idea what to say. He didn't even know how to handle his own emotions, so how could he help Ahsoka with hers? She was breaking down in front of him and he had no idea what to do. She had just been cutting herself in front of him and he had no idea what to do. What kind of Master was he?

Still holding her, he looked at her arm, and he swore his heart broke for her. Deep gashes and dark scars tattooed her arm, blood dripping onto the floor. She'd been self-harming and he didn't even know about it. How did he not sense all the pain she was in?

He was such a terrible master.

He loosened his grip on her, and held her bleeding arm gently. The blood was beginning to stop now.

"Ahsoka… I don't… Why? How could you possibly to do this to yourself?" He literally could not get his words out; he was too shocked. He'd never felt so much disbelief in his life.

Knowing that she had nothing to hide anymore, she let all the bottled up emotions come out. She brushed away the tears and leant into Anakin. "I just don't want to be here anymore…" She said quietly, so quietly that Anakin had to strain his ears to hear her, "I have nothing to live for. You don't want me, nobody wants me… I'm all alone and no one even cares… I don't deserve to live anyway. I just cause trouble and get people killed. It shouldn't have been those Clones! I should have died for my own actions…"

"No, Snips, that's not true… I do still want you. I'd never send you back. I know I've been a terrible Master… I know. I should have supported you when you needed me, and I wasn't there. Ahsoka, I don't want you to ever feel like you have nobody, because you do have people that care about you. Me, and Obi-Wan and Master Plo…"

"You pushed me away… You avoided me and ignored me. You don't care… No one does." She stood up and sat on her bed, head in her hands, a couple of tears escaping her eyes.

"And I regret doing that to you. Ahsoka, I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and change what I did. I should have comforted you. I knew you were hurting, yet I was stupid enough to ignore that fact. I'm so sorry…"

"Don't apologise…I'd probably do the same. I'm sorry I was given to you; I know you never wanted me in the first place and now I see why. Like you said, Younglings can follow orders better than me. You only kept me because you felt sorry for me…" That was how she'd always felt about being given to Anakin.

Anakin got to his feet and sat next to her on the bed. "Ahsoka I didn't mean what I said. You're better than any Youngling. I was just angry and you know how much this stupid war gets to me," He bumped her shoulder with his fist gently, smiling a little. His smile fell when she saw that her sad expression did not change one bit. "But I honestly didn't mean what I said. It was wrong. You were already so stressed and under so much pressure and I didn't help you at all by saying that. And Ahsoka, that's not true. Trust me, if I felt sorry for you, I would have still sent you back." He laughed a little – though, it was forced; he was trying to cheer her up a bit.

"Why did you keep me then? You hated me at first." She wiped her eyes, sniffing a little.

"Because I knew that you'd be a great Jedi, even if you were a little rough around the edges. After I got to know you a little, I saw that you'd be an amazing Jedi and that you were actually a lot more experienced and intelligent than a lot of people you're age, Jedi or not. And you're like me; though, I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing." He checked to see if his little joke had changed her expression at all, and his face fell when he saw that it hadn't.

"I still don't understand why you've kept me all this time. All I do is disobey you and cause trouble and it's obvious that I'm not wanted. No other Master's wanted me anyway, which is probably the main reason I was given to you."

"I don't see why; you're a great Padawan." Anakin put his arm around her, cutting her off as she was about to speak again, "And everyone makes mistakes. Some more than others, but we all learn from our mistakes."

"I still shouldn't have disobeyed you're order." She looked away from him, tears forming in her eyes again as she thought of all the deaths caused by her mistake.

"I disobeyed orders all the time when I was a Padawan. Nobody's perfect, and you shouldn't feel like you're being pressured to be perfect." He'd always felt pressured to be perfect as a Padawan, and he knew that Ahsoka felt the same. He sometimes found her training late at night, when she should have been sleeping, and he knew she'd skipped meals to train a few times as well. He'd done the same. Proving that you're good enough was something that they had both struggled with. It seemed as if Jedi Master's aren't easily pleased.

"But I have to be perfect. I'm a Commander, I need to set an example and I need people to trust me and listen to me. I shouldn't make mistakes, because they affect everyone around me."

Anakin moved from her side and knelt down in front of her, his hands on her shoulders. "Like I said, nobody's perfect. You made a mistake, and you'll continue making mistakes for the rest of your life. I make mistakes, and so does Obi-Wan and Master Windu and even Master Yoda."

"I guess, but…"

"Ahsoka, stop trying to find a way to blame yourself for everything. We've all made decisions we're not proud of, and I've forgiven you for your mistake." He was speaking the truth. He had forgiven her. He'd always forgive her; Ahsoka was one of those people you just couldn't stay mad at.

"You promise?"

He nodded, smiling, "I promise."

His smile grew even more when he saw a gentle smile play on her lips. He glanced at her arm again and held it gently. "Now, Ahsoka… You need to tell me how long this has been going on." He spoke in a gentle tone. They had just made up and he didn't want to upset her again. That was the last thing she needed. And this was such a difficult topic to talk about – not just for them, but for anyone.

She looked away, ashamed of herself, "Since the mission."

He knew what she meant by 'mission', "You really have made a mess of yourself, haven't you?" He sighed. These scars were going to be there forever.

Ahsoka shrugged, "Yeah…" She said quietly. She realised that Padmé was right; there was no way she'd be able to keep it hidden. Like her Master had said, she'd made a right mess of herself.

"Is your other arm like this, too?" Anakin asked sadly. He somehow knew what the answer was, anyway.

"Not as bad, but, yeah." She rested her hand on her right arm.

"Does anybody else know about this?" He hoped not. If the Council knew they'd think she was a bad Jedi for not being to control her emotions. But who could control emotions when they were that strong and powerful?

"Only Padmé. That's it." And that's how she wanted it stay. She didn't want anyone else thinking she was anymore pathetic then she already was.

That must have been why Padmé was so worried about her when she told him that Ahsoka needed him. Ahsoka must have told her not to tell him.

"Ahsoka, you have to tell me the truth; why have you done this? You're going to live with these scars for the rest of your life." He held her hand gently.

Ahsoka sighed, fearing that Anakin would not believe her reason. "It just…helps take the pain away. I don't know how, it just makes me feel so much better. It's like the physical pain takes over the emotional pain. I know it sounds stupid but trust me, I'm not lying." She gripped his hand tightly.

"Ahsoka, it's okay. I believe you. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I'm scared." He rubbed his thumb across her knuckle.

What? Did Anakin Skywalker, he Hero with No Fear, just admit he was scared? Why was he scared? Ahsoka was confused; this was Anakin, he didn't get scared. "You're…scared?"

"Wait a minute." He let go of her hand and disappeared into the refresher. He brought out a couple of small towels and wrapped her arm in the towel silently and told Ahsoka to put pressure on it. She winced slightly, and it didn't go unnoticed by Anakin.

"It's gonna hurt, Snips. But the bleeding needs to stop." He hadn't properly seen the cuts yet, but Ahsoka was showing pain – something she always tried to hide from people, mostly him – so they must be quite bad.

"You don't need to tell me how to stop wounds from bleeding, Master. I have had quite a lot of practice." She had tried to make it into a little joke, but it hadn't worked much. Applying pressure to her arm, Ahsoka said, "So…why are you scared?"

He looked her in the eyes, "I don't want to lose you! Ahsoka do you know what went through my mind when I walked in and saw you trying to kill yourself? Hm? I'm not just scared; I'm kriffing terrified! What if I hadn't walked in when I did? You'd by lying there bleeding and dying! I don't want that and neither does anyone else. And I know you think that no one cares, but trust me, Ahsoka, they do. I promise." He stood up, pulling her up with him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

Hugs from Anakin were almost alien to her. He'd only hugged her once, and that was on Mortis when she just woke up on the floor. Anakin had rushed to her side and immediately pulled her into a gentle hug. She had had no idea what was going on or what had happened. But Anakin had looked so worried and concerned; she knew it must have been bad. Anakin never hugged her, or anyone. Though seeing a soft side to Anakin was nice, so Ahsoka raised her arms and gently hugged him back, being careful with where she put her arms. She didn't want to get any more blood on him.

Anakin rested his cheek on Ahsoka's montral, sighing silently. What if he had walked in too late? He didn't want to think about it, really. He couldn't imagine his little Snips dead. She didn't deserve it. She was just so…pure.

Throughout the war, she'd always kept a smile on her face, even when things were hard. She kept positive and never lost hope. She was encouraging and she always had seemed happy and cheerful. She always put a smile on someone's face whether they needed it or not.

She'd changed, however.

She was no longer innocent. She'd seen the horrors of war countless times and it definitely affected her, just like it did with him. She was still determined and cheerful…well, she had been before the mission.

Not long after Ahsoka had become his Padawan he'd noticed little changes. Even though they were close – almost like brother and sister – she'd become more distant. He didn't know whether that was because of the war or the fact that she was growing up.

She smiled a lot less, too. A smile from Ahsoka Tano was like a light in a pitch black room – she affected everyone with that smile. She could brighten up anyone's day. He missed her smile. Everyone did.

Everyone changed. He just wished she hadn't.

Another change he'd noticed in her was her eyes. They weren't the same as before. They didn't sparkle and shine like they used to, they weren't full of hope and happiness. After each battle he swore her eyes were a shade duller.

Her appearance had changed a lot, too. She wasn't the scrawny little fourteen-year-old anymore. She was still small, however, and still thin. She'd grown in height, which he was happy about. He remembered when she had first been given to him and she couldn't see over the railing properly and she had to stand on top of it to see over. He was convinced that she had a minor growing disability or something.

She'd lost a lot of weight as well, he noticed. He could feel her bones as he hugged her, and that wasn't good. She really needed to eat more.

He truly felt sorry for his Padawan. Dealing with the war was harder for her than it was for him. She was just a child. She'd seen terrible things. War wasn't a place for a child, especially not for someone like Ahsoka. She was – had been – too pure and happy and the war had ruined that.

He knew that Ahsoka loved helping people and helping fight in the war, but it was hard work and when something happens it affects everyone. War was hard. He had nightmares about it and so did his Padawan. It left them bleary eyed and with bags under their eyes.

The two pulled apart. He put his hands on her shoulders. "So, Ahsoka…do you forgive me? For all the stuff I've done?"

Ahsoka didn't answer. She just stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him tightly.

Anakin smiled and hugged her back. He liked this side of Ahsoka…perhaps he'd see more of it. He hoped so. This reminded him of the old Ahsoka. "Master, I was never mad at you. I was just confused and…hurt. I don't know, it doesn't matter. I've forgiven you." She stepped back again, a gently smile on her lips. "Master, can I ask you something?"

He smiled at her, "Anything."

"Could you speak to the Clones for me? You know, tell them I'm sorry and that I'll make up for my mistakes and stuff?" The Togruta shifted her feet. She really wanted everyone to just forgive her. Then everything would be like how it used to be.

"You're going to do your best to get better right?"

"Of course, Skyguy. Starting from today I'm going to stop self-harming. It'll be hard, but you'll help me out, right?" She looked up at him, already knowing the answer. She flashed him a smile.

"Of course."

… … … … … … … …

FIVE MONTHS LATER

"Ani, how's Ahsoka doing?" Padmé asked her husband, wrapping her arms around Anakin's shoulders.

"Great. She's been so positive and happy lately; it's like the old her is back." He smiled; he was truly happy that his Padawan was recovering. She'd have those days, however. Those days when she just wanted to stay in bed and overthink. When she had those kinds of days he made sure to spend as much time with her as possible.

At first he'd checked her arms almost every day, checking up on how her wounds were healing and also to see if there were any new ones. He hadn't checked in a few weeks; he hadn't needed to. She'd been doing great in the past couple of weeks.

She was socialising a lot more. She'd go to the mess hall without her cloak and sit with the Clones, who had forgiven her months ago when General Skywalker had told them that Commander Tano was going through a rough battle with depression – he'd never mentioned the suicide attempt or the self-harm, though – and it was as if everything had brightened up suddenly.

Even the Council had been treating her a lot differently. They didn't know anything – they knew less than the Clones. The only thing they knew was that Ahsoka had a tough time after the mission, but that was all. They didn't need to know anything else – they'd only make things worse.

He was so glad with the progress his Apprentice was making.

Padmé quickly withdrew her arms from around Anakin when there was an eager knocking at the door.

Before C-3PO even had a chance to open the door, Ahsoka skipped through and made her way over to the two adults.

"Hey, Skyguy," She smiled brightly, "Guess what?"

He grew slightly worried; what had the little monster done this time…? "Um, what?" He scratched the back of his head.

"Five months today." Her smile grew even more, and Anakin knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Snips, that's great." He grinned at her and punched her shoulder gently. He really was proud of her. She'd worked so hard to achieve this.

Padmé hugged Ahsoka, "Well done, Ahsoka. We're both so proud of you!"

Ahsoka stepped back and placed a hand on her hip, "You guys are acting as if you're my parents or something. It's kinda creepy. It's only five months. It's not that much of a big deal."

"Five months is quite a while, if you think about it." Padmé reminded her.

"Yeah, but trust me, I'm gonna be celebrating a lot more when I reach a year." She rubbed her arm. No one else had found out, luckily. There had been quite a few close calls, however. She'd been lucky.

That was another thing Anakin was so happy about. She was being so positive about it and she was so determined. She hadn't beat the depression and totally recovered yet, but she was close, he could tell. She was just so fixed on getting better. It was as if she was a totally different person. And she was mostly doing it all on her own. She didn't have a doctor or a councillor to go to. It was just her and her friends, and most of them didn't even know half of the problems.

She was recovering, and that was all that mattered. Both Padmé and Anakin were so happy and proud of her. They felt like parents to her when all three of them were all together. It was as if they were they're own little family.

… … … … … … … … …

Two months later, after an exhausting, harsh mission, Master and Apprentice returned to the Temple, battered and bruised. They're had been a large explosion during the battle and a lot of their clothing had been burnt away. They were left with holes in their clothing. Anakin's gloves had been completely burnt off, and his mechanical arm was showing clearly. You could see where his arm had been severed and exactly where the mechanical arm joined to his body.

That had gotten him a few looks from the Council. He knew they were thinking of his recklessness when they looked at his arm.

However, most of the Council's attention was on his Padawan, who, right now, he was extremely worried about.

Luckily she'd been further away from the explosion than he had been. He had a lot more burns and holes in his clothing than her, but her gloves had been burnt away, as well as her cloak. And her arms were completely on show to the whole council. They had tried to find something to cover them up but there was nothing. A lot of their supplies had been caught in the explosion.

They'd both had a panic attack on the way home. But Ahsoka had finally just accepted the fact that they were going to have to find out someday. And today would be the day. She seemed so calm about it, however. He was the opposite; he was so worried. What if they sent her away?

"A success, the mission was, hmmm?" Master Yoda said, eyeing the two younger Jedi.

The pair bowed, "Yes, Grand Master Yoda. However, we lost a lot of supplies and the ship is quite damaged." He swallowed. He hoped that no one had noticed Ahsoka's arm, which was kind of stupid. Of course they had seen it.

Obi-Wan leaned forward, staring at Ahsoka, "We'll get that sorted out. Now, Ahsoka, those marks on your arms. What are they?" He'd suspected this for a while. He knew that Ahsoka wasn't coping all those months ago, and self-harm was such a common thing in teenagers these days. Thanks to the war.

Ahsoka looked to the ground, thinking of what to say. Anakin looked at her through worried eyes. Looking up, Ahsoka took a breath, "They're battle scars, Masters."

"A battle? With who?" Mace Windu said, not looking at all pleased with Ahsoka. He wasn't convinced with Ahsoka's answer. A battle wouldn't cause scars that look like that.

"Myself."

The Chambers were silent. Anakin gave the girl a small smile. He was so proud of her.

"Dismissed, you both are." Yoda said, pointing towards the door. He earned lots of shocked looks from almost everyone in the Council room, even Anakin.

"As you wish." Anakin said, bowing in time with Ahsoka. The two left, not looking back as the Council questioned Yoda on what was happening. He was so happy that Master Yoda understood.

As the two walked back to their quarters, earning lots of strange looks from other Jedi, Anakin said, "Ahsoka, you have no idea how proud I am of you. That took a lot of courage. You know, I may not have wanted you in the first place, but boy am I glad I kept you. I couldn't have asked for a better Apprentice."

Ahsoka just smiled. She was happy that Anakin had found her that night when she was going to end it all. He'd saved her life. She was so grateful for that. She was also grateful that she had a great Master.

Things were better now. She was better now.

And she had learnt one lesson during her ordeal. And it was what she lived by. Every time she felt like relapsing, every time she felt depressed, she'd think of it, and it'd help her get through it all.

Never give up.

… … … … … … … … …

This is the end guys! WOW. This chapter was long. It was the length of two chapters, so you guys should consider yourself lucky! I really hope you enjoyed this story. At points it was hard to write because I put a lot of my own thoughts and feelings into this.

And I love you guys so much, I guess I should tell you something. This past week, I've been really bad. Like, really bad. And I'm going to be honest with you guys and say that I haven't cut, which is good, because I haven't for about a month or so now. But I was going to commit suicide the other night. I was stopped, however, by my best friend, so I owe my life to her. Honestly, I'm grateful she saved me, even though I just wanted nothing more than to leave.

Anyway, depress-ness bit is over! I really hope you guys enjoyed this. Please leave me a review and tell me what you thought. I think everyone was a little OOC in this chapter but I didn't know how else to write it, so I hope you enjoyed anyway. Love you all! Please review!