Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Dr. Joan Leland was a long-suffering woman. She had been one of the head doctors at Arkham Asylum for the past ten years, which was reason enough to be termed long-suffering in itself. But in that past decade, she had observed little to no progress among the super-criminals supposedly rehabilitating themselves in the asylum. They seemed to view it as a kind of home away from home, a free hotel they could crash and spend a few weeks enjoying free bed and board, pay lip service to the therapy mandated for them, and then break out again. If anything, the problem had only increased during her time here – a few years after she started, a colleague of hers, a Dr. Harleen Quinzel, had lost her mind and ended up a patient in the asylum, the focal point of her madness an unhealthy and unrequited obsession with the Joker, which Harleen, now calling herself Harley Quinn, had convinced herself was love. Dr. Leland had been trying for a long time to get her to see the error of her ways, but Harley was one of the most stubborn people she had ever met, and refused to accept the truth even when the facts were staring her in the face. It was one of the defining characteristics of the insane, and also the biggest roadblock to their recovery: they were always sure they were right.

And as if being stuck for a decade in a dead-end job wasn't enough to define a woman as long-suffering, today Dr. Leland had to endure a board meeting with the other heads to discuss a new therapy option for the inmates. Dr. Leland was not optimistic at this point. She wasn't a cynic, but she was a realist, and she was smart enough to realize that nothing could help these people if they weren't willing to change their behavior.

Still, she couldn't complain, really. The inmates treated her with more respect than they did most of the doctors. She didn't know if it was out of deference to Harley since they had worked together, or if it was because she seemed to understand that there was no hope of changing them and had just given up. But either way, as she passed through the cell block, she was saluted heartily by the inmates there.

"Good morning, Dr. Leland."

"Good morning, Professor Crane."

"Greetings and salutations, Dr. Leland."

"Good morning, Mr. Tetch."

"Hello, Dr. Leland,"

"Good morning, Mr. Nygma."

She paused suddenly. "Where is everyone else?" she asked, noticing that they appeared to be the only three in their cells.

"In the rec room," retorted Nygma. "Watching some sporting event on the television. It's a riddle to me why those forms of mundane entertainment remain popular, but then I suppose it doesn't take much to hold the interest of the intellectually inferior."

"Where are you off to on this fine morning, Doctor?" asked Tetch. "I hope we're not making you late for a very important date."

Dr. Leland smiled. "No, I'm just heading to a staff meeting," she replied. "So nothing important at all, really."

"Any particular topic being discussed?" asked Crane, looking up from his book. "I do miss talking about psychiatry sometimes, but no one here is interested. The doctors insist on talking about my personal issues for some reason, and Harley invariably turns any conversation about her days as a psychiatrist into a long ramble about her love for the clown."

"You're welcome to go the meeting for me, if you want," retorted Dr. Leland. "That new doctor we've hired, Williams, wants to propose a new form of therapy for the inmates here."

"Callooh, Callay," muttered Tetch. "No doubt another nonsensical charade we'll have to suffer through. One would think, if the doctors believe us to be victims, that they'd stop inflicting random torture on us."

Dr. Leland couldn't respond to that, so she shrugged. "Well, at the moment, I feel like we're all in the same boat. We'll just have to grit our teeth and endure whatever silly game they want to play. Anyway, I'd better be going. I'm seeing you all sometime this week, aren't I?"

"Provisionally," agreed Nygma. "But I think it's only fair to warn you, I'm planning on breaking out of here soon and devising a series of riddles so challenging that not even Batman will be able to…"

"That's nice, Mr. Nygma," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I look forward to it. See you later."

She left the cell block, passing the rec room. Glancing inside, she saw Poison Ivy, Two-Face, the Joker, and Harley Quinn all seated on the sofa.

"Ah, spring is in the air, and you know what that means, Harley girl?" asked the Joker, sighing.

"Um…you'll be in the mood for romance a little more often, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"Nope. It means it's baseball season!" he laughed, turning on the TV. "The national pastime! The greatest sport of 'em all! I dunno why I love it so much. Something to do with bats, I guess," he chuckled.

"That's funny, J, I always pegged you for a football kinda guy," said Ivy, dryly. "A bunch of big, sweaty men jumping on top of each other seems much more your kinda thing."

"Yeah, but they cheat, Pammie," he retorted. "Like Bats, wearing all kinds of padding and protection and armor. Me, I ain't afraid of a little pain. In fact, if I'm in the mood, it's a whole lotta fun, right, Harley girl?" he chuckled.

"Mmm hmm, puddin'," she sighed, snuggling her head against his chest.

"Well, unlike you, I admit I watch it for the hunks," retorted Ivy. "Plus something about that uniform just does it for me. And these guys are pretty ripped. Well, hello, baby," she murmured, smiling as the camera zoomed in on one of the players.

"See, this is why dames shouldn't watch sports," growled Two-Face. "They completely miss the point, but I guess women do tend to do that all the goddamn time. Oh…hi, Dr. Leland," he muttered, noticing her.

"Hey, what's up, Doc?" chuckled Joker, turning to smile at her. "Wanna have a seat and watch the game?"

"I'd prefer that than going to this meeting," replied Dr. Leland, nodding. "But sadly it's mandatory."

Harley made a face. "Ugh, meetings," she muttered. "I remember how boring those were. Huge waste of everyone's time and energy. It's moments like these, puddin', when I'm especially grateful to you for driving your Harley girl crazy," she sighed, kissing him. "I get to sit here and cuddle with the man I love while Joan has to sit through a dull meeting with the other doctors. Makes me glad I gave up my career for love, I tell ya."

"Your career and your mind," retorted Dr. Leland.

"Yeah, but look at that face and tell me he ain't worth it," cooed Harley, gazing at Joker in adoration and kissing him again. "My gorgeous, precious puddin'."

Dr. Leland sighed. She didn't know why she bothered sometimes. Even when Harley was employed here, she had never been particularly normal. When Dr. Leland had first met her, Harley had explained that she had wanted to work at Arkham because she had "always had an attraction for extreme personalities," which would have set off warning bells in anyone's head. Dr. Leland preferred to think of Harley losing her mind as not so much a tragedy, but rather something that was fairly inevitable, which, in her professional opinion, it was.

"You should cut the meeting and watch the game, Joan," said Harley. "It's what anybody in their right mind would do."

"Like I said, I'd like to, but I can't," replied Dr. Leland.

"Ok, but you'll miss all the fun!" chuckled Joker. "I dunno why you work so hard to try and cure us all the time, Doc. The life of a sane person sounds awfully tedious to me."

Privately, Dr. Leland couldn't help agreeing with him as she left the rec room and made her way to the room in the upper corridor.

"Hi, Joan, how're you doing?" asked Dr. Johnny Bryan, smiling at her.

She smiled back. Dr. Bryan was one of the few colleagues she got along with, a genuinely nice man who, as with her, the patients didn't seem hostile towards. He had used to work with Harley as well, so maybe that did have something to do with it. She supposed they were lucky most of the inmates felt such affection towards Harley, to respect the people she respected. In her ten years working here, Dr. Leland had seen what happened to doctors the patients didn't respect. It wasn't pretty.

"I'm fine, thanks, Johnny, how are you? Ready for this?"

Dr. Bryan shrugged. "I don't think it's something you can fully prepare yourself for," he retorted, grinning. "Like an escape attempt or a hostage situation."

Dr. Leland nodded. They had both been involved in both. "Just keep calm and try to make the best of it," she said.

"That should be a poster in everyone's office," said Dr. Bryan, smiling.

Dr. Leland smiled too as they entered the meeting room. There was Dr. Williams, looking smug and self-satisfied. He had been transferred to Arkham by the powers that be in order to introduce innovative ideas on the treatment of their patients. He had been head doctor at a mental asylum in Metropolis which had been massively successful at rehabilitating their patients, but Dr. Leland was willing to bet that Dr. Williams had never dealt with anyone like their patients before. They weren't normal lunatics, and you couldn't apply the same methods to treat them, if treatment was even possible. His presence here was just for publicity reasons, to make the media think that the mayor was actually doing something about the problem of Gotham's super-criminals. But as usual, what made the big people look good meant yet another headache for the little people.

"Good morning, everyone," said Dr. Harris, the man who was in control of Arkham Asylum, at least nominally, thought Dr. Leland. The inmates were actually the ones in control, and always would be. Everything the doctors did was based around their wants and needs, and what was power but that? "I'm so pleased you could all make it. I'm sure you'd all like to join me in giving a very warm welcome to Dr. Williams, whose work in Metropolis will make him no stranger to any of you. Dr. Williams, please."

"Thank you, Dr. Harris," said Dr. Williams, rising and smiling. "Good morning, all. Let me just say I am sincerely looking forward to working with each and every one of you as we strive towards the real and attainable goal of sanity for all our patients, reshaping them from raving lunatics into normal, functioning, productive members of society. I know if we all put in the effort and do our best, this is a goal we are fully capable of achieveing for each and every inmate of this facility."

Dr. Leland and Dr. Bryan shared a look. Then Dr. Bryan scribbled a note and slid it over to Dr. Leland. She grinned as she read I give him a week.

She scribbled I give him a day if he starts off with Joker and handed it back.

Dr. Williams had continued talking, and Dr. Leland tuned back in to his droning voice. "…with innovative methods of therapy, routes that haven't been tried here before. In Metropolis, the best progress was made when the selfish individuality of our particular lunatics could be channeled toward a team effort. There is nothing like teamwork to mold a happy, healthy mind, hence the popularity of sports in school."

Dr. Leland's personal experience of sports in school had been that they created petty competitiveness, divided friends, and increased bullying among those not as atheletic, but she kept her mouth shut. Reasoning with the self-important was like reasoning with lunatics – completely pointless.

"In which spirit, I am organzing Arkham Asylum's first ever baseball game, with the inmates on one team, and the doctors on the other. It is just the very bonding exercise this facility needs to wipe away the rivalry between its inmates and let them function as productive members of a team, preparing them for functioning as productive members of society in the real world."

Dr. Leland stared at him in disbelief, processing what he had just said. Then she slowly raised her hand. "Yes, Doctor…?" asked Dr. Williams.

"Dr. Leland," she said. "Excuse me for contradicting you, but I'm just wondering if giving homicidal lunatics access to blunt weapons is honestly a good idea."

"I agree with Dr. Leland," spoke up Dr. Bryan. "Plus I don't think putting us on opposite teams to the inmates will help in terms of their hostility towards the doctors. I mean, do we really want them banding together as a team against us?"

"I appreciate your concerns, Dr. Leland, Doctor…?"

"Bryan."

"Dr. Bryan. And theoretically they are justified. But in practice, this is a method that has been tried and tested at my asylum to resounding success."

"Yes, forgive me, Dr. Williams," continued Dr. Leland. "But your asylum might not have had exactly the same…kind of lunatics that we do. The patients here are all very…unique."

"Which is why bringing them together as a team is the best thing for them," replied Dr. Williams. "Making them tone down their own personas for the greater good. Isn't that exactly the end result we want for them?"

"But in this case, I think perhaps the opposite result would occur," said Dr. Bryan. "I believe forcing them to work together would only make them assert their own personas more. They aren't the kind of people who respond well to peer pressure. I think it's one of the reasons we're so unsuccessful with their rehabilitation – they all resent any attempt to make them conform. It makes them fight even harder, and become even more strongly determined to keep their identities."

"As I say, I respect your hypothetical objections," replied Dr. Williams, nodding. "But I have achieved real results with the patients in my asylum…"

"Well, Arkham isn't your asylum," interrupted Dr. Leland. "And Dr. Bryan and I have been here long enough to understand these inmates. I would advise you listen to us. What works for everyone else isn't going to work for them – that's the problem."

"No, the problem is that the doctors who have been here the longest have resigned themselves to the fact that their patients are incurable," retorted Dr. Williams. "Which is untrue. Everyone can be cured given the correct treatment. And the only way to find the correct treatment is to experiment with new ideas. Dr. Harris has supported this initiative, as has the mayor and city hall. These are people who realize that the situation cannot continue as it is, and something must be done about these supercriminals."

"Well, trust me, this is only going to make things worse," retorted Dr. Leland.

"And this is the attitude that keeps these criminals trapped in their endless cycles of violence and abuse. It's time we turned their energy and effort towards something innocent and harmless. This will be just the team-building exercise they so desperately crave."

Dr. Leland glared at him but said nothing. "Well, I think that's all that needs to be said," said Dr. Harris, rising. "We'll leave Dr. Williams to sort out the details. Thank you for coming, everyone."

"This is going to be a disaster," muttered Dr. Leland to Dr. Bryan on the way out of the meeting room.

"There's nothing we can do about it, though, is there?" sighed Dr. Bryan. "Short of hoping that Dr. Williams is right."

Dr. Leland did hope that. But she wasn't at all optimistic.