Author's Note;

Hey there, lovely people. I'm back again. I am still working on all of my in progress stories however this one kinda kept kicking me in the head as I worked on several different stories spanning a couple of fandoms, so rather than battle and struggle I decided to write this out. It is a two shot and return to the M rating world.

Second Bleach story that I work on and I decide to write an emotionally heavy piece. Sigh.

I have mentioned in my other story, To Divide and Conquer, that I have only recently delved into the vast world of Bleach. And in doing so, I found myself growing awfully fond of Renji. Now while reading a lot of Renji/Rukia, I have discovered that most, if not all fans of the shipping sympathize with Rukia, blaming Renji for letting her go and destroying the friendship they had. So I investigated on behalf of poor guy who seemed to be getting a bit of a bum deal. This story is what my findings inspired in me. And hopefully it'll stir some emotions up inside others, like it did for me.

Renji Abarai for the win.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer:

Not mine. I only own my opinions based on investigations.

Lingering Serenity.

Renji sighed heavily, squatting on his knees in front of three wooden posts that acted as grave markers and silently placed a single lotus blossom on each moss covered mound. It had been over fifty years since he come here last. Over fifty years since he had returned to his roots in Inuzuri, over fifty years since he had allowed himself to grieve over the lost rag-tag group of street kids, his family. The first and last time that he had come here, he hadn't been alone; Rukia had been by his side, supporting him and helping him deal with the yawning chasm of loneliness that was waiting to crush him after the loss of the three dirty, skinny boys who were more his brothers than his friends.

Sitting back on his heels, the Lieutenant of Division Six scuffed the heel of a palm over his eye awkwardly and scoffed a laugh. 'Well, what do you think then, guys?' He murmured quietly, his rich baritone quivered slightly and he swallowed thickly, running his index finger over the badge donning his left arm. 'I made it. I'm a Soul Reaper.' A half-hearted chuckle brushed his lips yet they remained in a thin tight line before twisting his body enough that he could show his badge to the markers. 'Not just any Soul Reaper either, I'm a Lieutenant in the Gotei 13, Division Six.' He slid his rusted eyes from the first marker to the next, and felt a stab in his throat. Swallowing hard, he shook his head; they had all been too weak and too soft for the life they had been thrust into, as his gaze finally came to rest on the last before smiling weakly, guiltily. 'I'm sorry guys, I should have made more of an effort to come and see you all. Made more of an effort to come up when Ruk-' His words dried up suddenly and his heart lurched painfully in his chest. Swallowing the hard lump in his throat he tried a different direction of conversation. 'I tried guys, I really did. I just… couldn't, y'know? It's so-'

With a frustrated groan Renji thumped backward onto his rear, his palms landing behind him and propping him up, chin tilting skywards before his lashes slid together. He knew what he wanted to say to them, he could see the words floating about in his mind and yet, he had no idea how to actually form the words with his mouth without tripping over them. Raising a hand Renji scrubbed his knuckles over his hair and down his neck until his fingers dug at the tensed muscles at the juncture between neck and shoulder. 'I'm no good at all this sentimental crap.' He mumbled to himself before twisting toward the spot where the bundled cloth lay beside his sheathed Zabimaru.

He sighed again as he pushed himself onto his feet and took slow and heavy steps toward his small collection of belongings, pausing for a moment to briefly reach with his reiatsu toward his spirit partner, gently prodding, his breath hitching in his chest as he waited for Zabimaru's grumblings to begin. But nothing flared in his spiritual pressure. Zabimaru was sleeping. Quietly letting the held breath loose, Renji reached into the tied bundle and pulled out a ceramic jug and saucer, the last thing he needed to deal with right now was a cranky baboon with a snake for a tail griping over how weak he was. Zabimaru was hardly tactful when it came to emotions and feelings, and well, pretty much anything that wasn't directly connected with battling. Turning back to the graves he padded closer and flopped back down.

Popping the cork from the jug, Renji poured a generous amount of the liquid into the saucer in his hand. Raising his hand in a salute to his deceased friends, he felt a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth despite the lack of enthusiasm. 'For all the good times, eh boys? All the hell we raised together.' He put the saucer to his lips and swallowed a mouthful of sake. The alcohol burned a path of flame all the way to the pit of his stomach; the warmth pleasantly comforting before growing uncomfortable. He wasn't really in the mood to drink; he just thought a toast to his lost friends would be nice. Finishing the liquid that he had already poured out before placing both saucer and jug to one side and learning toward the markers again, hoping that the shot of liquid courage would help him loosen his tongue enough to choke his words out at last. His smile faded alongside the dying flame in his gut and his eyes scrunched closed as the smiles and squabbles they had shared echoed in his ears, the squeals of protest and mock hurt when they would play fight in the street. The delighted laughter when they shared the stolen food and candy around a tiny camp fire in the pink glow of evening. He sighed.

'I screwed up.'

Balancing his elbows on his knees, legs drawn up to his chest and his head falling into his hands, he twisted his long fingers deeply into his red strands, tugging them sharply in his frustration, pulling them loose from the usual tight ponytail. 'I screwed everything up. It's all gone to hell and I don't know what to do.' He grated, his eyes beginning to sting with an onslaught of unwelcomed and unwanted tears. 'I should never have left the Rukongai. I should have refused when she suggested it, like she did when we were all still together. 'Lets become Soul Reapers.' Pah!' He spat bitterly, his eyes sliding to the marker furthest to the left. 'You had left us the year before, after that bastard-' He cut off sharply, his mind rewinding to the morning that he had stumbled upon the battered and broken corpse of his smallest friend, the boy that he'd always seen as his little brother. 'I should have figured that something was up when you didn't come home that night, I should have gone out and looked for you. But I didn't.' His eyes closed and he swallowed back the lump forming in his throat at the memory of him carrying the slight body back to the shack, remembering how the scrawny limbs dangled and flopped like a rag doll. How the cold and clammy skin felt as it bumped against his own warm and still living flesh. 'I let you down. I let every single one of you down and for that I'm sorry.'

Taking a few rapid gulps of air as the scene in his head changed again to show him digging the third grave, how the dirt streaked his tear stained cheeks, how the skin on his fingers had split and stung as he scooped more dirt away. Behind him, Rukia, the girl that every single one of the boys, himself included, adored, sat with the blanket wrapped body. Her fingers tenderly stroking the spot where his cheek was as she whispered soft comforting words to the person that was no longer there inside the shell. He could still see just how dark and empty her usually bright eyes had looked as she raised them to his, watching him as he scooped the body away from her and laid it to rest in the earth. He remembered the way that she watched him cautiously, like she expected him to suddenly drop down and die right in that hole and leave her completely alone. She was more than hurting, she was frightened. And he had been too.

Renji tried desperately to rein his emotions back under his control but a few stubborn tears trekked over his cheeks regardless of his efforts. 'I went with her. I didn't want to face losing her too. I couldn't. It hurt so much knowing that you guys were gone and I was too weak to consider not having her there near me. I still am.' Another tear made its sluggish way along his nose, trailing over the curve of his lips and spreading its salted warmth on his tongue. Fury suddenly burst in his chest. He wrenched his hand to his left arm and tore the badge from it, 'This. I don't deserve it. A Lieutenant is supposed to be strong. He's supposed to be able to lead and to protect his men in battle. I couldn't even do that for three kids. I couldn't even do that for one girl who I thought I'd always have.' Bringing the offending object to his eyes for a moment, he scowled darkly at it before twisting enough to hurl the blasted thing down the path behind him. 'I don't deserve it and I don't want it!'

The badge clattered to the ground quietly somewhere out of sight but Renji didn't care, he ignored it as he turned slowly back to the graves, his chest heaving with pent up emotion. 'I convinced myself that I deserved my position. I convinced myself that I was strong.' He moaned softly as his face returned to bury itself into his hands again. 'I'm not. I'm a coward. My strength is borrowed from Zabimaru. My position is because I'm too pig-headedly stubborn to give up, and because I want to be strong, like him.'

A shudder quivered along his spine.

'I want her to look at me like she does him. I want her to know that I-' His voice dried out then and his brain pulled up a memory of Rukia, the way she had looked at him when she had gently lifted his hand away from her wrist in that empty hall in the Shino Academy and let it slide from her fingers. Her eyes had held that same haunted look from the hill. That same way that she had looked at him when she had asked him what she should do about what Byakuya and his family's elders had propositioned her with, it was the same as she had given him when she had crumpled into him and pulled his arms around her and asking him to hold her while she cried for their lost friends. The dark and empty expression that resonated in her midnight eyes was pleading with him not to leave her too. She was seeking comfort from the one person who had always supplied it for her. The one person who had always taken away all of her fears of being left alone, who had always been her tether, she needed him then, more than ever, and he had done nothing.

Furious at himself for his lack of comprehension, Renji pushed his face through his palms and pressed his eyes to his knees, one arm wrapping around his head the other clasping his legs. 'I couldn't protect her. I've never been able to. I've let her hurt. I've let her cry. And worse of all, I let her go!' Curled in upon himself, the Lieutenant reluctantly allowed the tears to fall properly, his shoulders shaking with his grief.

He stayed there, wrapped around himself like a child and sniffled. He couldn't clear that wounded look of Rukia's from his head. The complete and utter look of hurt and betrayal as he had shamelessly gushed about how great he thought life as a Noble would be. 'I should have fought harder.' He whispered into his knees. 'I should never have let her go.' He was so focussed on controlling his grief that he hadn't sensed the reiatsu that slowly filled the clearing behind him.

'R-Renji?'

His eyes snapped open and he tensed when a small, trembling hand touched his shoulder, hard packed muscle flinching in reflex. He couldn't help it. He felt horribly vulnerable, scarcely used emotions exposed for anyone to see.

'Renji.' Her voice came again, bolder this time but stained with sorrow. Her fingers flexed gently on his shoulder before sliding down his chest, curling loosely around his neck. Her small body folded in against his back as she lowered to kneel behind him, her other hand stroking along his arm clasping his drawn up knees, before wrapping around his thick fingers. She pressed her face into is bundled ponytail for a moment before moving to press into the warm side of his bowed neck, her breath tickling just below his ear. 'It's okay.'

Those two words meant more to him right now than anything in the world. It was both acceptance and permission for him to let the walls down, to expose the vulnerable little boy that he had shut away for longer than he could remember. He had always been the one who had to be strong, he was older and that meant that he couldn't cry when the others could see, he had to push everything aside and look after them, to smile and reassure them, his own feelings and fears be damned. But when she uttered those two words he had crumpled. Moving so he could turn, Renji pressed his face into Rukia's collar, his hands twisting into the front of her shihakusho as he curled around her and sobbed.

Rukia felt her eyes slide to half mast, as the man that dwarfed her shrank in her arms; his deep voice was choking and trembling on more grief and sorrow that she had ever imagined he bore. Wrapping her arms around him, she allowed her fingers to glide along his shuddering back in small soothing patterns, she allowed herself to lean her cheek closer to his until she was nuzzling him. Her heart ached for the man in her arms, the stranger who had once been the boy she could never live without. She had missed him so much. More than she had ever thought possible.

Over forty years as a Kuchiki had estranged her from him. Yes, they had made their peace over the circumstances of their reinstated friendship, she had forgiven him for his participation in her arrest and the taunting he had inflicted upon her during her incarceration. But she had never spoken to him about that point in time that resonated in her heart, the time where he had hurt her so deeply that she had pushed his hand from her and left him standing alone. The one time he had made no attempt to follow her when it was the one time that she needed him to more than anything. She had already condemned him as a petty, shallow and spiteful man without asking his reasons why he acted that way.

If he had ignored the anniversary of their friends passing as he had done so every year, if she had decided to wait even an hour longer before making her own way here, she would still be thinking those same cruel thoughts of him. She would never have witnessed the words that had tumbled from his lips, his own hatred for himself over everything that he felt he had allowed happen. She had no idea that Renji had blamed himself for their friends' deaths, had never realized that his whole purpose for entering the Seireitei was for her. But what disturbed her prejudices against him the most was that she had never even considered the fact that he was always fighting for her, that he had every intention to take her back from Byakuya.

She tilted her head further into his cheek, her own lips trembling with the threat of the sobs raking at her throat. She had misjudged him terribly and, knowing him to be emotionally immature; she had let him suffer for almost fifty long years with his own guilt and anger at himself and then dumped hers on top of him. She had effectively been trying to drown him with a flood of sensations and feelings that he had no idea how to handle. Looking at him now, at how much he was hurting, for how long she had let him hurt, she had succeeded. She felt her heart slam violently down into her belly as she felt her spirit crumble.

She was the petty one. She was spiteful and selfish and so cruel.

He had felt uncertain in his strength and he had convinced himself that if he allowed her to hate him for a little while, just while he grew stronger, he would be able convince her that he did it for her. He thought could explain it to her, tell her his fears of losing her and hope she would understand, if only he could speak with her for just a few minutes. Despite what Izuru had told him about her knowing her responsibilities as a Noble, he had still waited. Despite what Yumichika had told him, about how it was easier to let something break then to try and hold it together, he had still hoped to explain. But she had never presented him with that chance. Every time that she had passed him, either alone or with her brother, she never once looked at him. She had reflected upon him that same hurtful snub that Byakuya had inflicted upon her, right up until that day on Sokyoku Hill.

And yet, Renji had still laid his life at her feet over and over. Offering himself up to her brother in efforts of saving her, still torn up and bleeding he had taken her into his arms and fled from her execution grounds, putting his trust into an outsider to delay comrades turned pursuers.

He had disobeyed the law of the Seireitei. He defied his captain, her brother, twice. He had taken her, a condemned criminal. He had run, knowing that every last Soul Reaper would hound them, follow them until they had presented his head to the Head Captain for treason. He had refused Sosuke Aizen's demands to take her from him. He had shouted her down when she offered herself to the same man in exchange of his life. He had taken blow after blow for her and still he had refused to let her go, as vehemently as she refused to accept what she knew to be the truth. It had taken this, holding onto a man so utterly destroyed and talking to the graves from a childhood so full of despair for her to see him clearly at last.

Renji loved her.

A sob burst from her lips and he flinched at the sound as it rushed his ear. His fingers tightening around her instinctively, his desires to protect her flaring as he turned his cheek inwards, his forehead rubbing against hers until they were nose to nose. 'Rukia?' His voice was so strained, so raw from his weeping that the petite woman flinched in his arms. 'Please,' she whimpered, her breath ghosting his lips and still damp cheeks. 'Forgive me?'

Crying is not a sign of weakness or despair; it is a sign of realization.

End Author's Note;

Okay, people still with me? Are any of us feeling a little teary besides myself? I hope this came out as well as I hoped it would. It is a two part story, it is also an M rated story for a reason. The second chapter will continue from where we left off and there will be a citrusy tang.

Until then guys, please Read and Review.