Lessons-1

Author: Frost on Maples

Author's Notes: I don't own the Avengers (in case that isn't obvious). This sandbox belongs to Marvel/Disney

This is an attempt at a fun take on events after the movie, something that would be possibly useful for all of the characters, including some who didn't appear onscreen.

Many, many thanks to the bunch at the Beta Branch for all their help and encouragement. The adage is true: "Dying is easy - comedy is hard".

SHIELD Training Base 47

Somewhere in the American mid-west

"I don't think this is a good idea, " Bruce Banner said, stubbornly crossing his arms.

"Oh, I don't know," Tony Stark said. "Just imagine the impression you would make on the next alien invasion - a big green rage monster with a big gun." He turned to the trio in charge of the meeting. "He would get a big gun, right?"

Steve Rogers pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Not the point, Stark."

"Why don't we hear Steve out before we make assumptions?" Pepper stepped forward, giving Tony a warning glare. She turned to Steve with a cool, level look.

Steve looked over at his two co-leaders on this venture. Agents Barton and Romanoff blinked back at him, and pointedly kept their mouths shut. To say that they were unenthusiastic was an understatement - their very postures screamed they were only doing this because they were ordered to do so.

"Director Fury has decided that all members and close associates of the Avengers need to have training in certain basic skills," the captain said, making direct eye contact with each member of the group. Stark rolled his eyes, Banner looked pissed, Thor looked puzzled, Jane Foster and Eric Selvig looked confused, and Pepper Potts and Darcy Lewis looked sullenly disgruntled.

"Why?" Jane Foster asked. "I shouldn't have any call to be near where there's fighting."

"Yeah," Darcy said, looking equally confused and pissed, "Isn't this a bit extreme? Bruce and Tony I can understand, but the rest of us..."

"Because I believe "be prepared" is more than a motto for the boyscouts." They all turned to see Nick Fury at the door, glowering at them. "Normally, I would prefer civilians to leave the action to qualified agents, but there is so much going on around you as a group, it would be criminal to send any of you out into the world without at least trying to teach you something useful."

"I don't think I'd make a good SHIELD agent," Darcy sneered.

"I'm not asking any of you to do that. In your case, I doubt it would be possible." Fury raised an eyebrow at her. "I just want all of you to have some basic knowledge and training to reduce risk to both your lives and the lives of any agents I may have to send in to rescue you."

He jabbed a finger towards Stark. "You know you're a target whenever you're out of your armor. Don't be an easy target." Before Stark could say anything, he added, "That includes supermodels."

He turned to Banner. "You. I would like it if there were some strategies for you that didn't involve extensive property damage and massive compensation payments."

A glare at Thor: "The same goes for you, Goldilocks. Time to start adapting to our 'primitive ways'."

Pepper stepped forward. "Frankly, the only hostile takeover I'm likely to be involved in would be corporate, and guns aren't usually used for that. I have no desire to be anywhere near the action. And I have Stark Industries security already."

"Ms. Potts." His eye narrowed as she raised her chin defiantly. "Not only are you well known as having the poor taste to be the significant other of the tinplated billionaire, you are CEO of a wealthy company that produces some of the most advanced technology in the world, and have business dealings with SHIELD. You are visibly the most tempting target of the whole bunch of you civilians - kidnapping and extortion are just the start of the list certain people have where you're concerned. Security arrangements can be overcome. Trouble is likely to come looking for you."

"Dr. Foster." Fury's expression didn't soften as his gaze as he turned to look at the astrophysicist. "While your association with SHIELD isn't public - everything about you is now classified information - your involvement with Goldilocks isn't exactly under the radar, thanks to him being about as subtle as a tap-dancing hippo. Also, while your research seems esoteric, there are lots of very smart bad guys out there who will think of applications for your work, and will find you to try to persuade you to share."

"And you, Dr. Selvig." The subject of his glare gestured with the classic 'who, me?' motion. " Everything about Dr. Foster goes double for you. Not only do you know her research, you have studied the Tesseract and have been the subject of Asgardian mind control." Bleak pain flicked across Selvig's face, and behind Fury, Barton flinched. "The debriefing and exams from the SHIELD psych department are nothing compared to what Hydra or AIM would come up with."

He turned to Darcy. "Ms. Lewis, you seem to think no one would find you a useful target. Let me spell out for you what some of those nasty people out there will see if they find out about you. They will think that a poly-sci student assistant won't have much security around her, that it won't be noticed if she goes missing for an evening because she could be on a university student style bender. They will think that you will be easy pickings for an abduction, either to be used as a hostage or to be...persuaded...to be a mole used against either Dr. Foster, the Avengers or SHIELD. After Ms. Potts, you are the most tempting civilian target."

Fury stepped back to survey them all - most seemed resigned, or at least reluctantly listening. "I'm not asking you to become soldiers. I want you to be better able to handle whatever might happen. That means some lessons in basic weapons identification and handling, basic self-defense, defensive driving, and establishing emergency communication protocols." He beckoned to someone outside the door, and a solemn-faced middle-aged woman joined him. "This is Dr. Smith. She will be on site for this week as medic and to conduct first aid lessons. I want all of you to have at least the basics - Barton and Romanoff, you are to use this time to recertify. Anyone who causes problems for Dr. Smith will answer to me. Any questions?"

There was a sullen silence.

"The Captain and Agents Romanoff and Barton are in charge - listen to them, they know their stuff. It's only five days, people. Suck it up and learn. Make all our jobs easier, and you might survive the inevitable."

"Thank-you, Director," Steve said politely as Fury gestured for him to take over. "We'll be covering a wide range of topics. Each day will start with workouts, self-defense lessons and target practice. You won't necessarily be buff experts in self defense or skilled marksmen, but it should be enough time to give you an idea of the basics and what needs to be improved.

"We'll introduce you to most of the weapons you may encounter out there, basic handling protocols and strategies. Dr. Smith will take over one day to cover first aid. There is going to be defensive driving and basic vehicle mechanics, a review of places, people and organizations to avoid, communications protocols, and miscellaneous...stuff that Agents Barton and Romanoff feel are important skills to have outside of fighting. Any questions?"

A resounding silence answered the question.

"Let's get started."

Day One - The Shooting Range

"Stark..."

"Don't worry, I'll put your laser sight back together. It'll be great - better than before. I'm building in a GPS and mp3 player for those long stakeouts, and the batteries will last longer - you'll love it! Much more interesting than shooting."

Natasha Romanoff - survivor of the Red Room program, bane of the Russian underworld - sighed.

"Hey, Bruce, look! I just made the Black Widow facepalm!"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"It's NOT funny!"

"But I'm unharmed - and it tickled."

"That's not the point." Clint felt a headache coming on. He waved off Dr. Smith, who had come running with her medical kit. "You don't sneak up on someone who's about to fire a gun." He turned to a tearful Jane Foster, saying gently, "We need to work on remembering to retain control of the gun at all times when it is in your hand, even if you're startled. Be glad it was Thor you shot in the foot..."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Natasha held out her gun to Pepper. "Is this gun loaded?"

"It's your gun - of course it is," Pepper replied.

"How do you know for sure?"

"I, ah, have no idea."

She turned to Darcy. "Tell me - is the safety on?"

"Um, I don't know."

"If you have a gun in your hand, you check if the gun is loaded and the safety on. Even if you don't pick it up, or have it in your hand, you should be able to tell if the safety is on." She smiled slightly. "As it turns out, the safety is on. This is a Glock 26, and this is how you check..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I know the Other Guy doesn't like guns, but I think this is important." Bruce continued looking stubborn, and Steve sighed. "What would happen if you're caught up with a group of civilians in a hostage situation?"

"I would stay quiet and wait for a rescue."

"Right. What if something goes wrong? Would the Other Guy come out if someone got shot? Would it be safe if he did?" Bruce continued to scowl. "Having the Other Guy as your main means of offense is like having only a bomb as a weapon - sometimes you need a bomb, sometimes you only need a flyswatter - and if you use the bomb when you only need a swatter, it causes more damage than it's worth."

Bruce started to look pissed.

"I know you do your best, but it's a given that you may end up in risky situations regardless of whether or not you're with us. I don't want you to carry a gun, I don't want you to become a fighter - I would like you to be able to have enough ability to get away from a situation, either with a weapon or with some basic self-defense techniques. I know you started to study the basic defense and evade techniques of Brazilian jui-jitsu in Brazil - I want to continue what you started to learn. It would also be very nice if you could provide us with reasonably accurate information if you're in a situation before the rest of us."

"That's all?"

"That's it. My main goal is to make you hard to capture, so the Other Guy doesn't show up at a bad time. Tell him it's to let you get to a place where it's safe to smash. That's the truth."

Bruce's stubborn look started to fade. "Just the basics?"

"If it'll make you feel better, we'll start with just walking through non-shooting stuff, and see how you feel. For the rest of it, general fitness and some simple throwing, no sparring." Steve grinned at him. "I don't really want the Other Guy to turn up unnecessarily either."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I do not see why I need to learn about these...puny weapons. Mjolnir and my powers are unrivaled for combat and protection." Thor peered doubtfully at the pistol in his hand. It looked tiny.

Steve refrained from sighing - he had seen this argument coming. "So, you're telling me that you've never lost your powers, never had something block you from using Mjolnir?"

Steve didn't think Thunder Gods pouted, so he decided that Thor's expression qualified as a frown.

"I know it's unlikely, but nothing is impossible." He continued as Thor stubbornly glared at him. "It will help you better understand what Agents Barton and Romanoff do, and also the risks that someone like Jane or Darcy might face." Thor opened his mouth to speak. "Before you can come to the rescue."

"It also pays to be unpredictable," Clint added, walking over. "No one would ever expect Thor, God of Thunder, to know how to use a gun. Never underestimate the value of the element of surprise." The stubborn look started to fade. "Look on it as miniature thunder."

A small smile finally began on Thor's face, and Steve knew the argument had been won.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

They all stood around a large table covered with a minor armory. It was Clint's turn to instruct - he cleared his throat uneasily and started to speak. "These are some of the weapons you are most likely to encounter." He started with the rifles, giving a brief description of each one, working his way down to the smaller pistols and hand weapons. "The rest of the things on this table are all close-range hand weapons -" he paused. "You have a question, Darcy?"

She squirmed briefly, then plunged ahead with her question. "Will you be teaching us archery?"

His face shifted to an emotionless mask. "No."

Bruce immediately leaned forward, pointing. "Why is there such a difference in the knives? Are some of them specifically for throwing?"

Clint pounced on the new topic, picking up one of the knives in question. He didn't see the quiet looks exchanged by the rest of the group.