TITLE: And It Goes Like This
GENRE: Drama/Romance
CHARACTERS: Cal, Gillian
PAIRING: Cal/Gillian
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: None
WORDS: 1,200
SUMMARY: They think about each other and it goes like this.

—1—

[He thinks about her leaving and never coming back, and it goes like this]

"Don't." He begs, he knows that.

"Tell me a reason not to." She's past the point of no return, she knows that too.

He has hundreds of reasons. All connected to one in the end. But he can't put it into words, so he lets go of her hand he doesn't even hold.

And then there is silence.

[She thinks about him leaving and never coming back, and it goes like this]

"I'm sorry, love." His voice is thin and weak and everything she doesn't associate with him.

"Don't say that. It'll be alright." Her tears fall down onto his face and leave their marks there.

"I just know. I'm a doctor, you know." It's the first time something in his voice reminds her of his glorious self.

"But you're not a real doctor, not one for this. You cannot possibly know." It's begging more than anything else.

"I'm sorry, love," he repeats and it hurts so, so much more than before.

And then there is silence.

—2—

[He thinks about her being sad, and it goes like this]

"You cannot blame yourself for this." He's still standing while she is sitting. Utterly defeated.

"Why? Because you're an expert on not blaming oneself?" She's angry, because she doesn't know what else to feel and show to the world. It's only understandable.

It's enough to make him sit next to her, his body close, his mind even closer. "Because I know what it feels like and that it will get you nowhere. Just pull you down some hole you don't wanna be in."

He takes her hand and doesn't let go, even when she tries to fight him. It takes some time for her to break and let him see it. He knows it won't be pretty, but he also knows that it's much needed. Her tears are soaked up by his shirt.

And then there is hope on the horizon.

[She thinks about him being sad, and it goes like this]

His office is so dark, that for a moment she is unsure whether he's still here. But then she sees him, or rather just sees a silhouette, lying on the floor. The faint moonlight tells her that his eyes are open. She's glad it's the office, not some shady bar.

Sitting down next to him, she takes off her high heels. It just feels right to do so. She doesn't say anything, only looks at him.

"Sometimes all of this lying business hurts." He's never told her that before. She knows, but hearing it out loud is something different. She wonders how often he feels that way and keeps it to himself instead.

"It does," she agrees, because it's probably the best comfort she can give. Telling him something different would just be another lie.

"Will you stay with me for a little while?" His eyes are on her.

"Yes."

And then there is hope on the horizon.

—3—

[He thinks about thinking about her, and it goes like this]

He sees her as she's striding through the corridors, owning this place, despite the fact that the big letters at the entrance suggest something else.

He knows so many things and yet he feels utterly ignorant, unable to make any move. He looks at her and understands that all of this is leading nowhere. Just some dark place he doesn't want to be in.

As she walks past him, she gives him a small, endearing smile. She doesn't say anything and for once his eyes don't follow her. He just stands there.

And then there is something that needs to be done.

[She thinks about thinking about him, and it goes like this]

She sees him standing there, leaning against the wall, hands in pockets, seemingly lost in thought. So often she wonders what's going on in his head. Whether he has shattering thoughts about loss and grief, blending reality and fiction, when it comes to her as well, or if that's just her.

She might never find out.

But when she walks past him, seeing the tender expression in his eyes, she feels the overwhelming urge to know. Sometimes all of this lying does hurt, yet she keeps on walking.

And then there is something that needs to be done.

—4—

[He thinks about telling her, and it goes like this]

He is trying to make up reasons as to why he is here, but his mind is blank.

"Do you wanna come in?" she asks at one point, probably because she doesn't know what's going on and sees that something is troubling him.

He shakes his head and turns around, leaving her standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry, love," he says quietly, but she probably doesn't hear him.

And then there is something he realizes: It always goes like this.

[She thinks about telling him, and it goes like this]

"Do you think you can just go like that? Turn up and leave like nothing has happened, even though it's clear that something has?" She is furious as she watches his back and it's good enough to make him turn around and face her.

The look in his eyes tells her that this something has happened a long time ago already and that neither of them wants to act on it. They both know that.

They stand there looking at each other, literally frozen in time and space.

And then there is something she realizes: It can't always go like this.

—5—

[He thinks about seeing her smile, and it goes like this]

"Why are you so stupid?" she asks and means it. His IQ test cannot possibly tell the whole story.

He looks at her, baffled. "Why are you letting me be so stupid?" he asks back and means it too.

It's when she starts to smile.

And then there is the chance they both wanted to take.

[She thinks about seeing him smile, and it goes like this]

"Can I ask you something?" She makes sure her eyes convey her need for an honest answer.

"Course you can." His eyes, on the other hand, assure her of the fact that he will answer as truthfully as he can.

"Do you ever think about losing me, about me being hurt, me having the ground ripped from under my feet?"

"I do." There is a slight nod of his head that his confession doesn't even need.

"Do you ever think about—" She stops for a second and doesn't have a clue how to say this and make him understand. This is all so awfully complicated. "Do you ever think about thinking about all of this?" Her hand makes a helpless little gesture.

There's just the faint idea of a smile on his lips. "I think about you a lot, you know."

"Yeah?"

He nods again, more pronounced this time. "Doesn't stop at my bedroom door, if that's what you wanted to know." The smile on his lips doesn't try to hide anymore. "Does your offer of coming in still stand?"

And then there is the chance and they both take it.

THE END