the very last chapter. x

thanks for everyone that has been reading. i've tried to make it long. it is about 5000 words long. thanks for everyone that has been following this story for a while.

#46 – From Sebastian, to Kurt

Sebastian hadn't expected to stumble across Kurt sleeping. It was truly a beautiful thing. Here he was. He flew to New York for a boy, and he was holding an envelope that had the drawing of another.

He was thinking of the envelope now. He'd probably turned it into his hands a few times on his way over here. He'd not known how Blaine figured out the fact that Sebastian was going to New York soon but perhaps, it was expected. Perhaps, Blaine thought that Kurt and him would end up together. As should, Sebastian thought to himself. As should.

"Are you really watching me sleep?" Kurt had woken up by then and Sebastian hadn't been paying attention.

"Partially," Sebastian announced. Kurt didn't fail to notice Sebastian's smile.

Kurt stood up, stretching for a few moments before he reached over and hugged Sebastian tightly. Kurt's skin smelled like a very distant memory and something of sleepless nights. The shorter male looked over at Sebastian's face for a few moments and just smiled warmly.

"How's New York been so far?" Kurt asked, staring at him for some time.

"Not interested in New York," Sebastian had stated, eyes on Kurt's face. He wondered how Kurt couldn't understand what was so infatuating about him – his voice, his hair, his skin, his speech…it made Sebastian's heart race until it tore a hole in his chest. He didn't know how Kurt managed to make his body react in such a way, what with his clammy hands and shy smile.

"Not any part of it?" Kurt asked, just shaking his head. "They make excellent cakes here if you want me to take you to somewhere and the bagels are just…"

Sebastian's smile faltered as he offered Kurt the envelope.

"What's this?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. He opened up the envelope, and shred through it. Sebastian wouldn't deny Blaine the privilege of privacy. In all honesty, whilst most would tear into the envelope and look at its contents, Sebastian didn't. Maybe Blaine knew and that was why he'd offered the letter to Sebastian.

Kurt opened the envelope and then unfolded the paper. His look of curiosity turned to a look of shock before the shock slowly died away.

"What is it?" Sebastian couldn't stop himself from asking.

Kurt looked up to see Sebastian's face for the first few moments. His face was white, and he didn't look very happy at all. Tears were filling his eyes. Kurt pulled up the paper so that Sebastian could see it. The first thing that Sebastian was filled with was pride, because Kurt was okay with sharing such a part of him. Then he noticed the drawing. It was a very shit drawing in all honesty.

It was a daisy that looked a tad bit unhappy. Its petals were droopy. It had such dark colours masticating it.

Sebastian just didn't understand what it meant to Kurt, but it meant something horrible. He'd gone to Kurt, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Whatever you want," Sebastian announced, his eyes staring at Kurt's face. "I'll get it for you."

He hated seeing Kurt unhappy. It burned through his heart.

Kurt looked up at Sebastian for a while. "I want a frame," he decided after some time. "I want a frame to put the drawing in. I want a yellow frame, because Blaine means yellow and…"

Sebastian nodded his head. And that was how they ended up leaving the apartment in search of a yellow frame. They'd gone to supermarkets and shops. Sebastian saw gold, but not just yellow. Kurt didn't want gold. Kurt wanted yellow.

A few hours later and with pain in Sebastian's left thigh from slamming into something, Kurt had found what he looked for. It was thin, very pale yellow frame.

He brought it close to him. "I want this," and that was all he needed to say for Sebastian to pay.

Sebastian watched Kurt's face twist. He didn't seem to be happy about the drawing. "I thought you didn't like Blaine."

Kurt looked up at Sebastian. "I never said that I didn't like him," he made that clear enough. "He hurt me. He cut me very deeply and left me bleeding but I still love him. I love him as much as I love you."

Sebastian nodded his head slowly.

"I want to give you something," Kurt said after some time.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" he watched Kurt smile at him. It was a smile that Sebastian didn't know how to read but he knew as much about Kurt to expect good things from that smile. "What does the drawing mean?"

"Whenever Blaine wants to draw me, he draws a daisy," Kurt expressed. "Blaine loves drawing. All he ever wanted to do was draw, but he's not very good at drawing and that hurt him. He's a perfectionist."

Sebastian slowly nodded his head. "So, he drew a dead daisy. What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing good," Kurt announced, shaking his head. "He's in a lot of pain."

"He fucking deserves it," Sebastian said after some point, but Kurt couldn't agree with him. He remembered Blaine's words from a few weeks ago.

"Whatever happens, Sebastian, make Kurt think you hate me. Make him think that I'm a disgusting boy that's done nothing but hurt. Make him think that I should never be forgiven. Make it seem like I'm worthless."

"You once told me to teach you," Kurt began, looking up at Sebastian's face. "Here's one lesson: people should be happy. Blaine isn't happy. He's miserable. There's no use for hating him because he hates himself just enough."

Sebastian was stunned by Kurt's morals. "You're too kind, Kurt."

"I like to treat people the way I like to be treated," Kurt confessed. Sebastian wanted so badly to tell him what Blaine had told him but Blaine had specifically told him to make it seem like he hated him. Sebastian could not deny Blaine's last few wishes. Kurt was just such a good person and Sebastian knew he didn't deserve him but that didn't stop Sebastian for reaching out for that gorgeous brown hair. It didn't stop him from watching to see that sweet smile on those pink lips.

When they'd gotten back home, Kurt had offered him a parcel. Sebastian tore it open in seconds. He'd always been impatient with gifts and then he was faced with thousands of envelopes. He looked up for Kurt as a form of explanation. However, Kurt didn't explain anything. He just sat by the window, like he always did.

Sebastian had stacked up the letters so they were in order before he started to devour them. He didn't know what to expect. The oldest letter looked quite old. He opened it and was met with quite messy handwriting – a child's handwriting.

Sebastian looked at Kurt and felt his heart fill with amazement. He was amazed at Kurt's dedication to writing letters and also, after all these years, he'd chased after Sebastian and just found him.

"I still have that scarf," he remembered it well now. It had a stain on it, of chocolate milk. His Father used to laugh about it. It was now also stained with blood. "I wear it sometimes. It makes me smile because I know it's someone else's and I feel like I'm being held by someone else."

Kurt smiled at the thought.

Sebastian opened the second letter, and just read through it. He was smiling wistfully to himself. He didn't want to say anything. He met with Kurt's eyes. Kurt remembered the letter for what it was for some reason. Sebastian really had just realised just how amazing Kurt's memory was. They shared a moment that made Sebastian's heart leap out of his chest. He read the third letter and then his heart was hurting him.

"There's a lot of sadness in me," Kurt said after some time. "Even as a child, the sadness is always there."

Sebastian didn't say anything to that. He just opened up another envelope. He didn't say anything to that. He didn't remember anything. He just kept on opening envelopes and reading. After the first few letters, he didn't really make eye contact with Kurt.

"I've always hated Paris," Sebastian said after a few letters. "My extended family was always there. I had to lie to them and tell them that I've just not found the right girl. They wanted me to get married because they're ludicrous. My Father has to remind them all the time that we don't live in the middle ages."

Then he just read. He liked seeing how Kurt's thoughts of him had changed over time. From hate to love, how things had completely changed. After some time, he just looked up at Kurt, staring at his face for a long time. He didn't say anything.

After he was done with the letter, he didn't know what to think. He knew that Kurt had shared a part of himself. He knew what they probably meant to Kurt.

They looked at each other and shared another smile.

Kurt was still smiling as he picked up the phone. Then the smile was slowly fading. There were tears filling his eyes. Watching Kurt being unhappy was the equivalent of putting a dagger through Sebastian's heart. After the phone call ended, Kurt's eyes filled furiously with tears.

"K?" Sebastian called out, waiting for an answer.

"Blaine's dead," Kurt announced, and Sebastian hadn't expected it at all. "He killed himself."

Sebastian didn't know what to think of it. He didn't know why tears were gathering in his eyes. He'd expected it when he'd seen him. He'd known somehow all along. He didn't like Blaine Anderson but he didn't want him to die either. There was something about hearing that Blaine took his own life that made the guilt pool in his chest - something about it actually happening despite Sebastian predicting it. He'd been so close to telling himself that Blaine should die and now, it had happened. He had been so close to asking him if he was - however, Sebastian also knew that Blaine had seemed to make his decision long ago. He'd made him happy with his drawing but he supposed he'd made him sad too. He had no idea if he'd done the right or wrong thing. He wondered if things had been different if he'd confronted him about it.

It was real. Blaine was dead.

"He told me I didn't know anything about him," Kurt snorted lightly, shaking his head. "I suppose he's right."

"He was right," Sebastian corrected his grammar. 'He's right' meant that he was still alive, but he wasn't. The air seemed heavier now. Things so much more solemn now that he'd heard of what had happened. He didn't know what they were too do now.

Kurt stared at Sebastian. "He's as young as you. He's dead now. That's just not fair."

"The world isn't fair," Sebastian announced. They tried to fill the silence with words that didn't mean anything and Sebastian knew it too.

"I loved him," Kurt announced.

In that moment, Sebastian could do nothing but respect it. It was unfortunate for Kurt that these had to be the circumstances in which the fighting just ceased to exist. "I know," he simply stated.

Kurt looked over at the yellow frame. Then he just broke into tears, he sobbed and he sobbed and Sebastian couldn't move. He was too numb with his own thoughts for a while before Kurt had reached over, wrapping his arms around Sebastian and just sobbing straight into his chest. Sebastian's cloth was wet with tears then. He was still numb, trying to process what was happening.

Blaine had killed himself.

It played on Sebastian's mind for a while. It played on his mind as he held Kurt close to him, and had the brunette place his head against his chest. His hands softly pressing against his own chest. Kurt had grown, in muscle and in mentality. Sebastian was dazed by what was in front of him and at the same time, struck with horror with the news that he didn't know what to think. Or how to think.

"I'm cold," Kurt said after some time, making Sebastian want to drape something against his frame.

Sebastian did just that. He'd leaned a bit forward to grab the blanket that had been on the couch without having to change their position. He'd slowly but nicely draped the blanket over Kurt's body and watched the brunette go to sleep. He wouldn't admit how far he'd fallen, by being so enticed by Kurt. Sebastian didn't think he'd ever be a boy that was infatuated with anyone.

"Feeling better?" Sebastian asked, looking down at Kurt.

Kurt slowly shook his head. "I told you," he said, his voice low. "I told you that there may be something wrong with him. I told you that he might be unhappy. I told you and you didn't believe me."

Sebastian knew that Kurt was in pain and wanted to blame someone. It made him not take things too personally, as he allowed Kurt to curl up and cry. Sebastian would rather Kurt blame him than himself.

Kurt cried and cried and cried and Sebastian cried a little too. Kurt's cries were loud, screaming, and Sebastian's tears were silent. He used to scream too, but then he realised it was useless. Kurt must have come to that realisation because his painful screams turned into even more so painful whispers of blame and unhappiness.

Sebastian stayed there for as long as Kurt needed him too. He felt as if eons had passed and he was holding Kurt. He didn't mind if eons more. There was something so sweet about cradling Kurt's body, registering the fact that the object of his affections was so alive.

They stayed for a very long time indeed.

Rachel didn't like it. She made it obvious that this was no way to mourn but Kurt wouldn't have it. He just stared at her for some time, with eyes filled with contempt towards her. He hated her for it but a part of Sebastian knew she was right. He could not mourn like this. He could not live like this.

If Sebastian knew anything about Kurt was that Kurt could mourn for a very long time. In fact, he held things too close to him. This very thing about Kurt that Sebastian loved the most – it may end up destroying the object of his affection. Somehow, realising this sent a shiver down Sebastian's spine. All he knew was that if Kurt wanted him to do it, he should. He trusted that Kurt knew what he did to himself better than anyone.

At some point, Sebastian did leave Kurt lying alone but it was by Kurt's demand. A day into their strong hold, and then it just disappeared. It felt strange not to be holding Kurt after holding him for a full on twenty-four hours.

Kurt went to his room and shut the door. He never locked it. Sometimes, Sebastian walked in, finding Kurt fingering his blade, so close to a cut but still farther away. Sebastian's heart would race when he'd find Kurt with his blades.

"Do you trust me?" Kurt asked, looking at the silvery metal in his hands.

"As much as you trust yourself," Sebastian knew that Kurt was hoping for another answer.

Kurt nodded his head. "I won't cut," he announced. "I just need to feel close to my blades now," he explained nicely. He looked over at the metal and placed it down onto the bed.

Sebastian sat down on the bedside. "Do you honestly believe you won't?"

Kurt didn't answer that question. Sebastian knew it as well as Kurt did – the closer he was to the blade, the more dangerous it was. Sebastian wanted to take them away but he also wanted to trust that Kurt wouldn't dare to cut himself. Kurt continued to finger his blades, holding them a bit too tightly but not tight enough to draw blood just yet.

"Throw them away," it was a demand that came from Sebastian. It was cold. Sebastian didn't care about how hard it may be for Kurt. He shouldn't be around the sharp edges.

"You don't understand—"

Sebastian cut him off and repeated his demand. "Throw them away."

"I might," at least he was truthful. Kurt placed the blade down onto the bed before opening his drawer. Sebastian made a note in his mind to dispose of him. Kurt would hate him for the first while, but Sebastian didn't care. He couldn't care. He needed to save Kurt from himself and if that meant making sure he wasn't close to the blades then so be it.

"What happened when your Mother died?"

Kurt looked at Sebastian for a while. "I lost a part of myself," he responded. "And I'm losing another part of me now. I just don't know which one. You don't understand."

Sebastian tried to hold back his tongue. It wasn't that he didn't understand. He did understand. That was why he knew that there was no way that he should keep Kurt so close to the fire, when he now bore the scars of playing with it. He nodded his head. "I know," he finally said after a short while.

The blades had to go for one. He knew he had to make sure Kurt wouldn't cage himself in his room.

"I want to take you outside," Sebastian finally said. "I want to see New York."

"See it yourself," Kurt announced, his voice dark. "Besides, you won't stay here for long, would you? You're just going to go away, back to Dalton and—"

"I'm not in Dalton anymore," Sebastian cut Kurt off. "And you don't know a thing about me either. You've lost your Mother. You've lost Blaine and I'm not going to allow you to lose me too. The thing about pushing people away, Kurt, is that it slowly drives you insane. Don't tell me that I don't understand. I perfectly understand how you're letting yourself rot inside out and I don't care if you want to hurt yourself because I won't let it happen."

Sebastian snorted, and then he laughed but it was a hollow laugh. "Honestly, Kurt, I'd do anything you want me too, but if you want to die, then I'm not going to let you do it."

"I don't want to die," Kurt stated. "I want to be alone."

"No, you don't." Sebastian insisted. "Nobody wants to be alone."

Kurt didn't say anything and Sebastian didn't know what to make of that. Sebastian laid down on the bed now the blades were in the drawer.

"I'm not your boyfriend," Kurt announced all of a sudden, as if it mattered.

It didn't. Kurt should know better. "And?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Should that navigate me from the fact that I care about you?"

Kurt had gotten off the bed and walked over to the window to look outside into the night sky. Sebastian had gotten off the bed to join him. He'd always wanted to join people when they stood by the window. His Father used to do it a lot. Sebastian used to do it much when he was in his Mother's house. He was waiting, but he didn't know what for. He was always waiting and he'd wait a million years more. He didn't know what he was looking for. All he knew was that if he found it, he'd know.

"Where do you want to go?" Kurt asked.

Sebastian smiled. It sounded like progress already. He already knew how this story would pan out. He was going to help Kurt and make sure he didn't go too far. He knew that he'd make sure that not another cut laid on that skin. He probably wouldn't be successful but it didn't stop him from trying. He was going to let Kurt honour Blaine's memory, but not destroy himself in the process. He just had to. They were going to build a world together soon enough, and things would be lovely again. Kurt wasn't hoping for anything, so Sebastian did the hoping for him so far. He hoped that things panned out well. He hoped that Kurt could be happy.

Kurt told him that he was a sad boy, and he'd always be a sad boy. Sebastian didn't feel like that was true.

"I need you to take me to a hospital," Sebastian announced. "So I can talk with my psychiatrist about the depression and all."

"Psychiatrists don't do anything," Kurt murmured, sounding like he'd seen every psychiatrist in the world. "You're wasting your time and energy investing into shrinks and pills, you know that?"

"I've wasted time and energy doing stupider things," Sebastian shrugged, as if trying to tell Kurt otherwise. Oh no, he believed that he could be saved and he believed that Kurt could be saved as well. "And then I think we could go to the park."

"What are you going to do in the park? Chase squirrels?" Kurt stared at Sebastian.

"Something like that," he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

"So, we're going to go to a psychiatrist appointment, go to the park and chase squirrels and we're going to come back here?" Kurt raised an eyebrow, shaking his head. "Sounds fun. I hope you have fun all by yourself, sitting in the park and chasing squirrels."

Sebastian knew that he'd take Kurt. It was just inevitable. He'd wake him up in the morning and he'd be annoyed but he'd come around eventually. It would take a few days, a few tries, but he'd be here as long as it took.

"Why are you not in Dalton?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

Sebastian smiled at him. His Father's branch relocated in New York. Sebastian wasn't reluctant to move. He wanted to move. Hunter was taking reign in the Warblers. He was becoming nothing again in the eyes of Dalton. He wasn't recognised really. "I'll tell you about it," he expressed. "When we go to the park and chase squirrels. And when you answer Mr Anderson's calls."

"I don't want to talk about how Blaine's dead," Kurt's voice was turning cold again.

Good thing Sebastian didn't care at all. "Too bad," he announced. "You sort of have to if you want to feel any better about it."

Kurt just sighed. "I'll go phone him," he agreed. "I am not going to a hospital or the park. Your attempt at roping me into going to your appointment with you is futile."

"No, it's not," Sebastian announced. "I'll keep springing it up so many times that at some point, you'll get so annoyed with me that you'll go with me just to shut me up…you know, you're more like Charlie than you know."

"Am I supposed to be happy about it or insulted?"

Sebastian thought about it for a few moments. "Both," he decided after a while.

Sebastian didn't lose anyone, but he'd seen it too much. He'd seen boys he knew let their Mothers mourn after their Father's deaths, it changed them. He believed that more than anything, being alone changed them the most. Alone with the thoughts that kept them up at night. He wasn't going to let Kurt have any of it. He'd already had too much of it. New mission was at stake here: finding Kurt Hummel in that pitch of misery that he'd created for himself, a rescue mission.

He heard Kurt talk over the phone with Mr Anderson. There was only a lot of crying. Sebastian refused to leave the room, because he could tell that Kurt wanted to cut. He could tell and if Sebastian left, Kurt would use it to his advantage.

When Kurt was asleep, with his ear muffs and his eye mask (Rachel apparently snored), Sebastian had gotten off the floor where he was sleeping and disposed of the blades. It wasn't much, but it was something. He'd flushed them down the drain. He liked the sound.

Kurt always looked so peaceful when he was asleep.

He'd never really read much. Kurt had a lot of books. Sebastian had read off their titles and he'd told himself that he'd buy Kurt a book he didn't have and put it the drawer instead. And when Kurt would finish that book, he'd buy new ones. He'd help Kurt heal, slowly. He would. He was determined to. There was nothing that was more at stake.

He'd been feeling low the past while, just because Kurt's unhappiness was making him feel horrible. He could understand why Kurt would hurt himself. Sebastian nearly wanted to. He'd heard as long as he never made the first cut, he'd be fine. It didn't mean that he didn't think about it as well.

Kurt was soundlessly asleep. Sebastian had picked up a book. It was Blaine's journal and he read it. It was grotesque and mad. Even now, Sebastian was still convinced that Kurt had been in love with a madman. The book was only filled halfway. At an empty page, Sebastian had taken a pen and just wrote.

Dear Peter,

I've not read much in my life, but I've read your letters. I can read people better than I can books. Books have too much meaning behind the words. Waste of time. Every word is a metaphor or a symbol or an image. I've never been good at imagining things. I can read people though because the truth is the truth and a lie is a lie. There's only one truth, but it's covered in many lies. In all honesty, if you really hated yourself so much, you'd be dead by now. I think you're alive because some part of you still harbors that hope. I know. I used to have that hope. It was small, a very small seed planted into an infertile ground. The ground became fertile, and so it grew. The hope grew into a tree. The fruit it bore was a berry, and life was berry, berry good.

Sebastian snorted. He was pathetic.

What I'm trying to say, Peter, is that you've saved me when I had very little hope. You've saved me and watched me flower into what I am now. You said I was waiting for the bus stop on that day, but you were waiting too. We'd have waited a thousand years. I've waited a long time, and now, I know what I want. I want you, you're still far away and parts of you are missing, chipped away. I'll mend them together into a seed and then plant it only to watch it grow. It'll grow into a daisy.

I'll write letters to you now. I'm probably not as lovely with words as you are and I can't tell you that every one of them won't contain swearing (you know me. Damn, do you know me), but I can promise I'll try to write.

I've lied to you. I've kept some part of me from you. Just before Blaine died, he sent me a letter too. He sent me a letter. It was his suicide note. I still have it in my pocket. It weighs heavy. Secrets always weigh heavily. I know he's given it to me because I know when it'll be right to give it to you. He wrote two letters, one of them I had to give to his Father. It was things he wanted to give away. Most of his clothing were for boys, and his college money, he asked to be given to you.

He told me if we were ever to get together that I'd make a treehouse for you. He told me about your treehouse, how you could never decide on anything. He told me to make one for us. He told me to make you forget that he ever existed. He's right. You don't know anything. You don't know that everything I will do now will be in his honour, his memory and his demand. He asked me to do this and I can't deny a dead man's wishes no matter what I think of them. You will hate me for it, but one day, you'll understand. One day far away from now, but soon enough.

Until now, I have to keep my fucking mouth shut. It'll be hard, but worth it. Promise.

Love,

Gwen.