A/N: I thought these up last night in a very giggly mood. In fact, I was laughing half the night. I hope it'll get some laughs out of you too. ;) Please review and tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned belong to JK Rowling. Mine are just the insane ideas.

Dear Diary,

here I am sitting in my new body and it is with mixed feelings. On the one hand I am glad that I can finally hold my dear vulture-feather-quill again. On the other hand I miss being carried around by Wormtail and clinging onto his neck. Since long I have begun to fancy him. He always has such a lovely smell of rat about him.

As my loyal servants appeared in the night of my resurrection, I had to realize, to my great indignation, that Snape and Karkaroff were not amongst them. I must say, I am deeply cross with them. I certainly won't invite them to my next Death Eater party, that's for sure!

Harry Potter did me a great service by giving me some blood, but he's finally gone too far. Not only did he force me to spend thirteen years as a mere shadow, wandering through the landscape, no, now he has even screwed up my wand! Since that blasted Priori Incantatem business it isn't working properly anymore. It keeps emitting purple smoke and naked women. The whole thing is rather embarrassing. After all, I don't want Wormtail to think I am unfaithful to him. I had to break into a Muggle shop and steal a fake wand which I am using as a dummy so no one notices.

Harry Potter, the snot, ran away when I wanted to duel with him and I had to send my Death Eaters after him because I was having a hard time hiding all those naked women suddenly erupting from my wand. Alas, my Death Eaters failed me! If only I could have gone myself! They simply achieve nothing without me.

Now they're sulky because I threw a tantrum and told them they were inept blockheads. Actually, I found myself pretty scary as I stood there, stomping my foot and yelling at them.