A/N: Hey everyone. Ok, so I'm finally updating this fic, after months of inactivity. You all can thank AlianneOfTortall and her prodding for the update. This chapter is for her--and for my beta ThePenMage, who couldn't actually beta this chapter since she's away to celebrate her BIRTHDAY. HAPPY B-DAY, Farah! All the grammatical errors are solely my fault. Also—I have such trouble writing dialect—therefore, just assume that Kel, Elsie and Tobe have the accents of city-folk for this chapter in the fic, and excuse my poor attempt at giving them accents. – Thanks for reading! Minerva

Chapter 4: Losing Grip

Kel yawned into her mug of tea as she sat at the kitchen table, wishing with all her heart that she were back in her bed. She was barely awake, exhausted to the core. Every inch of her body had protested against waking up that morning.

"Finish up, Kel, we've gotta start servin' breakfast in a few minutes!" Elsie called to her from the stove.

"Right." She said. Kel gulped down the rest of her tea, the warm liquid settling comfortably in her stomach. She set the mug in the washbasin, wiped her hands on her apron and pushed through the door to the serving bar. The main room was generally empty when Kel entered and unlocked the doors to the public, but today, someone was leaning in the farthest corner.

Kel squinted at the figure, seeing his navy blue tunic and blood red arm bands before she saw his face. She smiled as he stepped into the light, his gray eyes smiling back at her.

"Rhoden." She said, unlocking the door to the guest hallway. "What are you doing here so early?"

"Came to see you, of course." He said, hugging her from behind. His deep voice bore traces of a Carthaki accent, though his speech was that of an educated officer. His black hair was shaved close to his head, complementing his handsome profile. "Listen, Kel, I want to show you something tonight. Should I ask Elsie if she will spare you for supper?"

"I'll ask 'er," Kel said, turning to face him. "You workin' today?"

Rhoden sighed deeply as she gently pushed him away and moved to unlock the main doors. "Yes, unfortunately," he said, following her around. "I'm training new recruits until the late afternoon down at the docks. Will you meet me there when you can?"

Kel stopped and looked at him suspiciously, noticing out of the corner of her eye that several guests were entering already. "What're you plannin' on showin' me, Capt'n?"

He grinned back at her, looking very pleased with himself. "It's a surprise."

Kel rolled her eyes. "All right, then." He was barely an inch taller then her, but his muscular broadness made her feel small and feminine. She smiled and kissed him quickly. "See you tonight."

He snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her in close to him, bringing his lips to hers to hold her in a longer, deeper kiss. "Tonight."

With that, he disappeared out through the door to the street. Kel pressed her fingertips to her lips as she watched his figure disappear.

"You shouldn't have to deny who you are, Mindelan," a dry voice remarked from behind her. Kel turned, her eyebrows snapping together in irritation at the blond leaning against the wall a few feet behind her.

"I don't believe I asked for your input," she growled.

"You might not have asked for it, but I'm here to give it to you." He said, crossing his arms across his chest. "I knew you were a coward, but a traitor?" He gave her a look of pure venom.

"I am no traitor!" Kel replied, clenching her hands into tight fists. She kept her voice low so that she didn't attract any unnecessary attention.

Joren snorted. "He's in the Carthaki Navy!" He whispered harshly. "He's a stupid barbarian!"

"You have no right to say such things about him!" Kel shot back. "I love him, and I'm going to marry him."

"You're a knight of Tortall, Mindelan, not some monkey man's wife!"

"Monkey man! You are the most bigoted asshole--"

"You're betrothed works for the man who killed your family and your friends!" Joren growled at her, grabbing her upper arm roughly as if to snap her into reality. "How can you live with yourself!"

Kel broke away from his hold and slapped him across the face. "Don't touch me!" she spat, her eyes shining with tears despite her efforts to keep a level head.

Joren sighed and shook his head, ignoring his throbbing cheek and the stares of the few people in the main room. "I'm taking Tobe with me to Corus. I thought you might like to join us, but you're obviously too selfish to want to work for what they all died for."

That did it for Kel. She threw a punch straight at his right side before he could even blink and attacked him. She tackled him and pushed him to the floor, punching him wherever she could as he tried to defend himself from her frenzied attack. They tumbled around on the hardwood floor, knocking into several tables and chairs as they each struggled to gain the upper hand. Joren had just managed to pin her beneath him when Elsie's pudgy arms appeared and attempted to break them up.

Joren sprung to his feet, nursing his aching jaw as Elsie helped a groaning Kel get to her feet. The short innkeeper turned to him and waggled her think index finger at him. "Get outta 'ere, you ruffian! Stay 'way from my inn!"

"Ma'am—"

"What'd ye think ye were doin', raisin' a 'and to my girl 'ere!" she fumed, her thick accent barely understandable.

"I was defendin' myself, ma'am—" he began.

"That the truth, Kel girl?" Elsie asked. Kel rolled her eyes and nodded.

"He ain't worth the trouble, Elsie." Kel said, brushing past him towards the bar. "Now, we've got a breakfast t-serve, don't we?"

"That we do." Elsie said, glaring at Joren still. "You'll be payin' extra fer this." she warned Joren. Joren sighed and left the main room in search of his newest charge.

He banged on Tobe's bedroom door as he wiped blood away from his nose. The door opened to reveal a frantic Tobe cramming things from all over the small room into a rug sack.

"Hurry up and get some breakfast, we've got a ship to meet."

"Where's Kel—" The boy asked, not looking up at Joren.

"I told her you were coming with me, so you don't have to bother with goodbyes," Joren growled. "I think she may have broken my nose."

Tobe's head jerked upward, taking in Joren's bloody handkerchief and tried not to laugh. "Kel did that, did she?" he asked. "She must have been angry."

Joren rolled his eyes. "Angry is an understatement."

Tobe closed his rug sack and through it over his shoulder. He closed the door to his bedroom and sighed, pausing to look at Joren. "Are you sure she'll follow us, Stone Mountain?" he asked.

Joren paused, thinking. He was sure she would follow, before he saw her this morning with that man. He wasn't sure what to make of it. People did stupid things when they were in love. Joren strode on ahead of Tobe so that the boy wouldn't see the uncertainty in his eyes.

"She will follow us."

* * *

Is Tobe really leaving? She asked herself as she dodged huge puddles in the broken cobblestone streets of the city, on her way from the inn to the docks. Her heart constricted at the thought. Tobe was growing up to be a strong and able minded young man. He was passionate about restoring Tortall, and his youthful idealism could not be deterred by all of her cynicism. Kel pursed her lips together, remembering the days when she too, thought she could change the world.

She'd have to find Tobe when she returned to the inn and ask him about what Joren had mentioned that morning. She wasn't sure if she could bear parting with her young friend. She had always treated him like a little brother, and took as much care of him as a mother would.

The city buzzed around her, though it had been left dim and blue-grey from the departed rainstorm of the night before. The grand, cobblestone streets that she vaguely remembered from her days as a knight were now left broken and uprooted from the quakes and floods that were frequent because of poor control of the Dominion Jewel. Kel had grown accustomed to it, but she still had to walk with care as she traveled around the city.

The docks were the busiest place in the city. At this time in the afternoon, the smell of fresh fish mingled with the salty scent of the sea as fishermen tried to sell their goods. Kel would have to walk through the busy docks to get the beach where Rhoden would be training his men. She had changed into a simple, cream colored dress, unsure of what the surprise would hold for her.

Kel was almost at the end of the long stretch of seaside docks when a familiar face caught her eye. Tobe stood facing the ocean, waiting as a ship neared the dock. He had a stuffed rug sack at his side, obviously equipped for a long journey. And who was that with him….Joren? A sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. So he was leaving. Without even saying goodbye to her? After all they had been through together—after everything she had done for him? He was just leaving?

She paused to look at her ward for a moment longer, took a deep breath, and continued on her way. It's his life, and his choice, she told herself. If he wanted to work for a hopeless cause, she would to longer try to stop him.

Nevertheless, by the time she reached the beach, she was nearly in tears. Rhoden was speaking with a younger man, obviously one of his recruits, but it seemed as if the training had been completed. The young recruit disappeared, and Rhoden jogged over to her.

"'Lo there, Capt'n." Kel said, flashing him a shy grin.

"Hello beautiful." He said, kissing her cheek and taking her hand. "You don't look to happy, what's wrong?"

Kel sighed. "Oh, it's Tobe," she said. "He's decided t'move 'imself t'Corus."

Rhoden's eyebrows rose. "That's interesting," he replied. "When is he thinking of going?"

"'E's on 'is way already." Kel said, pursing her lips.

He whistled. "Mithros, that's sudden!" Kel looked down at her feet, not wanting to think about it, or explain what Tobe was going to do there. Rhoden sighed again. "I'm sorry, Kel."

Kel shrugged. "Tobe's grown now. It's 'is life, and I'm not gonna be the one t'stop him from doin' what 'e wants."

"That's right." Rhoden lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it. "Come with me, I have something that will cheer you up."

He led inland through the reeds that separated the beach from the rest of the land, and took her to a large house nearby. It was set on tall, sturdy cinderblocks to protect the actual house from flooding, and was built in the simple yet elegant Carthaki style. He led her up the stairs and around the back of the house on the wrap around veranda and stood looking out onto the water. Kel inhaled the fresh scent of the ocean and sighed. "Tis a lovely 'ouse, Rhoden." She said, setting her elbows on the sturdy wooden railing. "'ho lives 'ere?"

"We do," he said, glancing sideways at her. "I bought it yesterday."

Kel's eyes widened. "This is our 'ouse?" she gaped. Kel couldn't believe it. Rhoden had been living in the barracks, even though he was a captain, and she had been staying in a tiny room in the inn that was hardly as big as a noblewoman's closet. "This whole house, just for us?"

Rhoden nodded, obviously excited. "I was sure you'd like it."

Kel pursed her lips and looked out to the water again. The sun was beginning to set over the beach, and a reddish glow covered them both. A new city, a new house, a new love, a new life. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? Her old self wasn't a part of her. Even Tobe wasn't going to be around to remind her of the past that she had safely locked away.

Joren's words echoed in her mind. You're obviously too selfish to want to work for what they all died for. She felt a pang of guilt, finding such happiness when they were all in their graves.

Her heart felt heavy, but she finally responded. "I love it, Rhoden. I love it."

* * *

Tobe stared up into the sky from back of wagon, his legs casually dangling off the side as his horse Joren's horse and Tobe's own gelding, Fritz, trudged on towards Corus. They had been on the road for two days, and Joren had promised they would reach by nightfall. He wondered if Kel missed him, and if she would forgive him for what he had done.

"You're sitting on my skirts again." An irritated female voice sounded from above him. The young man sighed and moved an inch to the left without opening his eyes. He heard the girl let out an exasperated breath of air. "Well, if you aren't asleep, you should at least be polite and sit up."

"I'm tryin' to sleep, all right?" Tobe snapped, opening his eyes to look at Miss Cecilia Winthrop, daughter of Norman Winthrop and Rebecca of Goldenlake and honor student at the Imperial University of Carthak.

"You shouldn't sleep with your eyes turned up at the sun like that. It will damage them, you know," she told him.

Tobe rolled his eyes. "They're closed," he told her.

"Even so," she sniffed. "And you'll probably get sunburned as well. That can be very nasty business."

He sighed and looked up at her brother for sympathy. Unfortunately, the pale mage-in-training was dead asleep at his sister's side on the seat, unkempt black hair in a bush around his thin face. "Maybe your brother would benefit from your advice, Miss Winthrop. I think his skin would burn fair quicker than mine would," Tobe said.

The young woman shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest with a sigh. "You men never listen to what's best for you." Tobe rolled his eyes again and reverted to lying on his back with his eyes closed. He and Joren had picked up the two young students at the docks two days ago. When first introduced to Miss Cecilia Winthrop, Tobe had thought she was quite a sight to be seen. Her rosy-cheeked, pale face was the picture of beauty, and her green eyes were large and shapely. She had full, pink lips and her auburn colored hair was pulled up in an elegant twist. Though she barely reached his chin, she carried herself with such poise that she seemed as tall as Kel, and she was pure sophistication and composure. She looked priceless. She looked like the sort of girl he would give his life for in a heartbeat.

But as soon as she opened her mouth, Tobe's lofty perceptions of the girl came crashing to the ground. He found her snobbish, rude, and highly demanding. She was smart, and she knew as much. She was beautiful, but painfully conscious of it. Even her twin brother Roderick, who didn't look or seem related to her in the least, seemed to find her company tedious.

Roderick was a scholarly mage type, the sort that looked as if he had never seen the sun. He was quiet but friendly, and seemed rather absent-minded. And all the while, Joren simply ignored them all from his perch at the head of the wagon.

All in all, it was not very engaging company. Tobe sighed, and hoped that Joren had been right in saying that Kel would join them soon.

* * *

Rhoden took her for supper in the city, to a very nice tavern that many of the officers frequented. Kel had cheered up a bit, and spending time with her betrothed had gotten her mind off Tobe and Joren. They had just finished their meal and were getting up to leave when a dark man broke into Kel's line of vision. She recognized him as Rhoden's brother, Torson, also an officer, but of lesser ranking. He had proved himself a quiet, jealous man, and the look of outrage in his eyes at that particular moment disturbed them both.

"You lying wench!" he accused in a loud voice, slamming his fist on their table. Kel backed away from him, confused. Rhoden held his brother away from her angrily, demanding an explanation. "She's not who she says she is!" Torson told his brother, clenching his jaw.

"What in Mithros' name are you talking about?" Rhoden asked, eyes snapping furiously. Most of the people in Tavern had stopped their activities and were looking at the two brothers with curiosity.

"She's a noblewoman, Rhode!" he spat, not bothering to keep his voice down. Gasps broke out around her, but Kel refused to panic. "And not just any noblewoman," he continued. "She was a knight!" shouts of outrage resounded all around her.

"Where did you get such nonsense!" Rhoden demanded, grabbing Torson by the collar.

"A man who knew her before the war told me as much. She is Keladry of Mindelan, lady knight of Tortall!"

Rhoden stared at Torson for a moment, anger pulsing through his veins. He roughly released his brother. "You forget your place, brother." He growled in Carthaki, pushing past Torson to take Kel's hand. He dragged her out of the tavern as the crowd around them hissed and booed at her. Kel was simply afraid for her own safety.

He released her hand when they were a safe distance from the tavern and stormed ahead of her. He was angry, that much was obvious. "Rhoden—" she began, her voice unimposing and calm. "I wanted to tell you, but—"

"So it's true, then." He said, turning to face her.

Kel bit her lip, tears forming in her eyes. "I have a different life now. That isn't a part of me—"

"You lied to me!" He yelled. "You lied about everything!"

"I didn't have a choice! You would have hated me, shunned me!" she cried. "You would have killed me if you knew!"

"I am your betrothed, and you didn't trust me enough to tell me that you were nobility!" Rhoden continued, outraged. "And a knight! A knight, Kel?!"

"Rhoden, please, just listen—"

"And your accent! You're talking like a noble—and you pretended all this time! All this time, you pretended to support the revolution, my career, you pretended to be someone I could respect—"

"My past means nothing now!"

Rhoden shook his head and lowered his voice. "I can't believe this."

"I am sorry, Rhoden. I am really sorry." She said, placing a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "I was afraid of what you would do if you found out."

He lifted a calloused hand to her face, wiping away a tear before giving her a tender kiss. "I would have been good to you, Kel." He said when he pulled away.

"You will be—" Kel began, but Rhoden shook his head.

"I can't," he said. "You're not who I thought you were, lady knight. And everyone will hunt you down—tear us apart." Kel let her eyes wander from his hairline to his strong chin, memorizing his face. This was it. This was the end. Everything she had woven was unraveling around her, and all she would have left by the end of it would be a past she had only wanted to forget.

Rhoden dragged her from her thoughts, pressing a few gold nobles in her palm. "My brother won't rest until you are imprisoned. He takes his job even more seriously then I do. Take these and go to Corus. You will be forgotten here in time."

Kel wanted to protest, but her emotion was caught up in her throat. This wasn't fair! She couldn't rebuild her life again! She didn't have the strength to do this any more. He took her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. "You leave right away, hear me? Find Tobe, live a new life."

She gulped and nodded, pocketing the coins. "I wish things had been different," she said.

"I wish they had been too." He said finally. They stared at each other for a long time. "You should go now, Keladry of Mindelan, before I decide to do my duty as an officer and arrest you."

She nodded. "Thank you." And with that, she turned and left her life in the dust.

* * *