Committed For Life

"When you do the ink blot test, what do you actually see for the first one?" asked the Joker of the room at large, as he lounged on the sofa in the rec room at Arkham Asylum. "There's gotta be a correct answer to those, right? It's a dead puppy, isn't it? Pammie, you see a dead puppy?"

"If you must know, I see your face battered into a bloody pulp," retorted Poison Ivy, flipping a page in her magazine. "Why do you ask?"

"Got a session with the new shrink at noon, and I thought I'd do a little preparation," he replied, shrugging. "I usually say, y'know, Batman or a bomb or a bunch of mutilated cops, but I just wondered if anyone knew what it's actually supposed to be."

"I don't think it's supposed to be anything," said Jonathan Crane. "Just a vague image that your brain will shape into whatever seems relevant to you. Hence the purpose of the test, to find out what your mind deems to be important."

"That's right, Johnny, I forgot you used to teach shrinking," said Joker, grinning at him. "So it's your fault they're all so stupid and easily manipulated. Y'know, like the way I manipulated Harley and turned her from a promising psychiatrist into a raving nutjob. Speaking of which, has anybody seen the little minx today? She's usually wrapped around me tighter than Bats's utility belt."

"Maybe she's finally found a hobby," retorted Ivy.

"Nah, she don't have any hobbies, aside from clinging onto me and being annoying," said Joker.

"Well, hope springs eternal that one day she'll regain her sanity and realize that she's worth more than your abused sidekick," snapped Ivy.

Joker smiled at her. "I don't think so, Pammie. I'm good at what I do. When I break something, I break it completely beyond repair. And Harley's mind is broken for life."

"That's a real nice way to talk about the woman who's in love with you," sighed Ivy. "Though I have to agree with you – it's more that she's irreparably mentally damaged than feeling any kind of genuine emotion or love towards you. She's psychologically dependent on you, but it's more infection than affection."

"You're a great romantic, sweets, no wonder you ain't got a boyfriend," said Joker, grinning. "Though the way I hear it, you prefer weeds to men anyway."

"Only to certain men," she retorted. "I'll put it this way, if for some reason we were the last two people on earth, I'd rather repopulate the world with plants. Which is basically my agenda at the moment anyway."

"Well, I'm sure there are better ways to achieve that than by screwing them," chuckled Joker. "Aw, I'm just teasing, Pammie! You're always so fun to play with – such a good sport! I guess that's why Harley hangs out with you."

At that moment, Harley Quinn bounced into the room, beaming at Joker. "Speak of the devil," he muttered as she leapt into his arms and began kissing him vigorously.

"Puddin', I've spent all morning preparing a swell surprise for ya!" she exclaimed.

"What is it?" he sighed.

"I can't tell ya, it's a surprise!" she replied. "If I told ya, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it, puddin'?"

"Well, when do I get it?" he demanded.

"Later," she said. "Need to build up suspense, don't I, or it ain't a very good surprise. It's worth waiting for, though, just wait until you see it!"

"I suppose I'll have to," he sighed.

"Does anyone know why there are a bunch of arrows taped onto the floor?" asked Jervis Tetch, entering the room.

"They're leading to Mr. J's surprise," said Harley.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I can't tell you – it's a surprise," she repeated.

"Does it have anything to do with that big painting of Batman on the wall of his cell?" asked Tetch.

"It might," she snapped. "Just shut your mouth, would ya, Jervis?"

"I just wondered because it looks like he's holding a gun, and Bats never uses guns," said Tetch. "Also he looks like he's in a Western or something."

"You're ruining the surprise, Jervis, just shut up!" snapped Harley. "Mr. J's gonna guess if you keep giving him hints like that!"

"You didn't draw J's erotic fantasy, did you?" asked Ivy, grinning. "Y'know, Bats as one lonely cowboy, J as another, a kind of Brokeback Mountain scenario…"

"Mr. J ain't got nothing to do with Brokeback Mountain!" shrieked Harley, angrily. "How many times do I have to tell you, Red, he don't think about the Bat like that?! Mr. J only loves his Harley girl, his one true love, forever and ever and always, ain't that right, puddin'?" she cooed, ruffling his hair.

Joker suddenly burst out laughing. "Brokebat Mountain!" he giggled. "You could call it Brokebat Mountain! And it could be about Bats and Bane! What a great gag! We should try and make that movie next time we bust outta here, baby. But I don't really understand why you've painted a picture of Bats in a Western for me."

"It's a joke, Mr. J," replied Harley. Then she suddenly clapped a hand to her mouth. "Aw no, I ruined the surprise!"

"Not really – I still don't see the joke," said Joker.

"That's 'cause you ain't seen the painting," she said, climbing off of his lap and taking his hand. "C'mon, I'll show it to you before Jervis ruins it completely. Anyone who's curious can come too."

The inmates all followed Harley to Joker's cell, where she gestured to the picture of Batman, wearing a cowboy hat and boots, and pointing a gun at a stagecoach. Everyone just stared at it, puzzled.

"I still don't see the joke," murmured Joker.

"Aw, yes you do, puddin'!" she exclaimed. "It's Batman and he's robbing! Get it? Batman and robbing? Because it sounds kinda like Robin, y'see…it's a visual pun! I thought you'd love it, baby!"

"It ain't funny, Harl," he retorted. "And you had to explain it to me – I've warned you about that. I've also warned you about trying to make jokes. You're terrible at them. You really just need to stop trying."

Harley's face fell. "Aw, but Mr. J, you love funny stuff! How can you love me if I ain't funny?"

"You are funny, baby, just not in a good way," he said, patting her head. "Not in a talented way and more in a pathetic kinda way. Like how people laugh at dogs who can't get towels off their heads, or babies who fall on their asses, or…y'know…the Boy Wonder."

"Yeah?" Harley asked, instantly brightening. "You do think I'm funny, Mr. J?"

"Sure, kiddo. As funny as a nail being hammered into someone's eye."

"Aw, Mr. J, you're the greatest!" sighed Harley, embracing him and kissing him adoringly.

Ivy sighed and shook her head despairingly as they all returned to the rec room. She focused her attention back on her magazine and tried to ignore the pathetic sight of Harley trying to be affectionate while Joker completely ignored her.

Suddenly, the door was flung open and Two-Face stumbled into the room. "Harvey? Are you all right?" asked Ivy, noticing how flushed both his faces were.

"Oh yeah," he breathed. "Never been better. Just had my session with the new shrink."

"And? How did it go?" asked Joker. "I've got mine at noon and I'd like the lowdown. What kinda shrink is she?"

Two-Face stared at him. "Have you seen her, J?" he murmured. "She is a total knockout! I mean…wow! I'd sure as hell cure myself for her!"

"Yeah?" snapped Harley, immediately jealous. "She can't be all that hot."

"You wouldn't get it anyway, Harley, you ain't a guy," retorted Two-Face. "She's just got the most gorgeous pair of…"

"Thanks, Harvey, I think we all know how that sentence ends," snapped Ivy.

"For your information, I was gonna say eyes, Pammie," replied Two-Face. "But she's got them too. Just stunning. Knockout, that's the only word for her. Complete babe. I'm shocked she's a shrink."

"You saying attractive women can't be shrinks?" snapped Harley.

"I'm saying with those kinda looks, she should be a model," retorted Two-Face.

"Well, I'm all excited for noon now," chuckled Joker. "Looking forward to the eye candy."

"You won't have to wait until noon," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned to see the new doctor standing there. All the men in the room had to prevent their jaws dropping, while Harley and Ivy had to prevent their jaws grinding together. Two-Face had not been exaggerating – she was an extraordinarily beautiful woman.

"I'm Dr. Hazel Brown," she said, beaming and extending her hand to Joker.

He recovered himself first and shook it, grinning at her. "Your parents clearly had a sense of humor, toots," he said.

"Runs in my family," she replied, smiling back. "My brother's a comic actor, and I spend my time dealing with crazy people. So we basically ended up in the same profession."

Joker laughed and she smiled again, while Harley's hands clenched into fists. "I just wanted to introduce myself to you before our session," Dr. Brown continued, beaming at him. "I've heard so much about you, and I hope it's not too bold of me to admit that I took the job here at Arkham just so I'd get a chance to see inside your head."

"You wanna see inside anywhere else, baby, you let me know," replied Joker, grinning.

"They said you could be a little naughty with the female doctors," replied Dr. Brown, smiling. "I'm glad you don't disappoint. Rumor is the last lady psychiatrist who tried to analyze you ended up a raving, dependent nutjob with no self-esteem."

"That would be me," growled Harley, stepping forward and wrapping her arms tightly around the Joker. "I'm Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend. Pleased to meetcha."

She had never meant the sentiment less.

"Oh, I didn't realize you kept her around," said Dr. Brown, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, y'know, it's always nice to have a punching bag handy, ain't that right, Harley?" asked Joker.

Harley just glared at Dr. Brown. "We're madly in love," she snapped. "So don't go getting any ideas."

Dr. Brown laughed. "Do I look like you?" she said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley.

"It means do I look crazy?" replied Dr. Brown.

Joker laughed again. "Now this gal is funny!" he chuckled. "That's rare in a dame, sweets, and I'm not gonna lie, I like it. I don't normally say this to doctors, but I'm really looking forward to our session. I mean that."

Dr. Brown smiled back at him. "So am I, Mr. Joker. See you then."

She nodded at the room at large and strode off. "See what I mean?" gasped Two-Face, sinking into a chair. "What a woman!"

"Yeah, she ain't bad," agreed Joker, chuckling.

"What do you mean, she ain't bad?" demanded Harley. "I don't like her one bit, Mr. J, and I don't trust her! She's clearly got designs on you."

"Oh, c'mon, pooh, I think I can handle myself around women," laughed Joker, patting her head. "You ain't got nothing to worry about, baby, so stop being silly. There's only one gal for me, and that's my Harley girl."

Harley squeaked happily and tilted her face up for his kiss. She trusted him completely. Poison Ivy, however, did not. She was less forgiving than Harley of Joker's faults, and he was well-known for being a liar, and a cheater. Sure, he had never cheated on Harley, but if it was a good joke or something in his head, what's to say he wouldn't? He was incredibly selfish, and he wasn't exactly a man of principle, or strong moral fiber. Harley was far more forgiving than Ivy would have been. And she had a horrible feeling that her best friend was going to end up terribly, terribly hurt.