AN: Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, they're like food to an author's soul. :)

Safety warning/choking hazard: Please do not consume food or beverages while reading humorous fanfiction. Personally, I would advise putting down your snacks and/or beverages until you are finished reading this instead of trying to chug/scarf it before you start, as that's also a good way to choke and completely defeats the purpose of the warning. While we're at it, you probably shouldn't drive or operate heavy machinery while reading fanfiction (humorous or otherwise) either.

Disclaimer: The author of this ridiculous fanfiction does not own Naruto or any of the characters associated with it. The author does however own Dr. Mendo and Miss Kusai, the OC's featured in said ridiculous fanfiction. Author is not responsible for asphyxiation due to food and beverage consumption during the reading of this fanfiction.

Overall, the fuss and fallout from setting Danzo ablaze wasn't too bad.

The damage to the actual room was kept to a minimum, since Konan and Nagato managed to collectively chuck Danzo out a window before the fire could spread; an act Miss Kusai did not forget and was actually quite grateful for, and was likely the reason the Akatsuki all ended up passing the step anyway, despite Dr. Mendo's protests.

The official line Kusai ended up using to get him to comply was pointing out what they found after getting everything sorted out and sending someone down to get Danzo's smoldering (and not dead enough for Itachi) body off the pavement below; which was the Akatsuki not killing/attacking/maiming any of the remaining 'guests' while the two therapists had their backs turned. Mendo was forced to admit that this was quite an amazing feat, and considered them passed.

Which meant it was time to move onto Step 7: Using Your Words to Express Yourself Instead of Violent and Increasingly Evil Acts.

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Step 7: Using Your Words

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The Akatsuki all approached this step with justified wariness, as something similar from the Anger Management exercises in the previous step had always resulted in disaster. Fortunately for them, there was little actual talking involved.

Almost immediately upon being told the point of the step, each member was given a pen and a piece of paper, as well as instructions to write a letter to their mortal enemy. At first, this was met with the typical blank stares and open contempt most of Mendo's instructions and announcements usually garnered, but once the Akatsuki realized that he wasn't joking and was legitimately giving them permission to scream at people they hated on paper, they jumped right into the exercise with a surprising amount of enthusiasm.

The letters went as follows:

Dear Danzo,

Hello, remember me? The guy who set you on fire the other day? You know, the one you used in your vendetta against the Uchiha clan? Big brother of Sasuke Uchiha, the boy you tried to kill despite our prior agreement, and the one who killed you out of the series? Ring any bells?

Ah, what am I saying. Of course you remember me. It's not as though you can forget much, what with the copying abilities you have with your STOLEN sharingan. Silly me.

I'm just writing to say I absolutely loathe you from the darkest corners of my partially broken (mostly thanks to you) heart.

Yes, I loathe you. Hate you. Abhor you with every fiber of my being. I find you distasteful, disgusting, and an unworthy member of the human race.

You, sir, are a soulless, hateful, bitter, weak, pitiful, and power-hungry has-been who can't let go of the past.

And, in case none of this is breaking through to you:

I don't like you.

At all.

If I ever see you in the same breathing space as my brother again, I WILL END YOU. And let him help. Also, I will call Nagato and Konan (both have been bonding with me over our joined hatred of you), and possibly Naruto, and let them help us.

Ah, sorry, please disregard that last sentence. It appears I'm not allowed to make threats in this letter. Apologies (but not really).

On that note, I think it best if I end this letter here.

Worst Wishes,

Itachi Uchiha

Dear Sasuke Uchiha,

I'm being forced against my will to move my artistic abilities to words and paper, for the sole purpose of 'making myself feel better' by airing my grievances with you in this letter.

It sucks.

Almost as much as you do.

I'm not even allowed to put any explosives in this. My artistic talents are being wasted.

Hmmm, I suppose my grievances with you stem mostly from your superior attitude and arrogance, which you share with your infuriating brother, yeah. Your haughty I-can-do-no-wrong, bow-before-me, I-am-a-mighty-Uchiha attitude. The one that makes people want to smack you in the face. Or blow you up. Or both.

You run around, stealing people's techniques with those stupid eyes of yours, claiming to be above it all when all you are is a copy-cat, a plagiarizer of jutsu and ninja arts. You with your self-righteous mission of revenge nobody actually cares about, picking up and tossing allies like they're fads, constantly changing sides and your mind.

Where do you get off acting like you own the world, hmmm? Who died and made you grand supreme daimyo of everything, yeah?

You're an insufferable brat with big-brother issues, terrible taste in clothes, and even worse taste in companions. Your hair looks like a duck's backside, and all growing bangs did was make you look even more emo.

Also, you're kind of a prick.

Die in agony,

Deidara

P.S. Please please please PLEASE either go give Naruto Uzumaki a hug, or actually kill him. One or the other. We're all sick and tired of hearing him whine about you, and all you're doing is making it worse. Even I'M starting to pity him a little.

Dear Danzo,

I'm trying to keep in mind what Naruto said to me about the cycle of hatred, but the more I think about you the more difficult I find it.

I really really really really really really REALLY hate you, you horrible, awful, terrible, EVIL man.

I hate you for what you did to Nagato and I, and for taking Yahiko away from us. I hate you for sitting on your self-righteous pedestal while you did it, too.

I was asked to put into words what I felt, but there aren't really any words to describe just how much I hate you and what you've done.

You're a complete douche, and I'm glad Itachi set you on fire.

Sincerely,

Konan

Dear Might Gai,

I was told to write a letter to my 'mortal enemy', but the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't actually have one. Since you can't seem to ever remember me and it still pisses me off, I guess you'll do.

I'm not really sure what to write. I'm supposed to tell you why I don't like you - well, the Terrible Two didn't actually say that but it was implied - and tell you why you make me angry, and write all the stuff I really wanted to say to you 'on the inside' (not my wording, Dr. Mendo's) while I was fighting you outside in the real world.

I'm...not entirely sure what they mean, because if I was fighting somebody then it wasn't because there was something I wanted to say to them, it was because I wanted them dead/maimed/subdued/the hell out of my business. If I wanted to talk to them, I would have talked to them, simple as that. But try explaining that to those two psychos, who seem to think everyone has an ulterior motive for everything and that if we just figured out those motives then we would be much more at peace with ourselves and therefore much less likely to try to destroy the rest of the world to match our inner turmoil.

Oh crap, I'm even starting to sound like them.

But back to what I'm supposed to be writing to you. Well, I guess I want to say...you're annoying. And loud. And, even though I know I probably shouldn't open that particular can of worms, rather homely. Also, we've battled multiple times and I've nearly killed your comrades on more than on occasion - why can't you remember me?! I don't exactly have an average appearance or name. I mean, how many blue people do you fight in a week, huh? Frankly, it's insulting. And a little hurtful.

I'm including a picture of me with this letter, so hopefully you'll actually remember who I am now.

Your mortal enemy,

Kisame Hoshigaki (The blue guy from the Akatsuki with the big sword that hangs around with Itachi Uchiha, in case you've already forgotten. Again.)

P.S. I still don't consider you a mortal enemy, but I'd rather eat raw road kill than write a letter to you that says 'yours truly'.

Dear Miss (What IS your given name?) Kusai,

I {censored} hate your guts.

I {censored} hate your {censored} face.

I {censored} hate your {censored} hair, I {censored} hate your {censored} glasses, and I {censored} hate your {censored} life.

{censored} you, you {censored} {censored}.

{censored} your life. {censored} your job. {censored} your car. And {censored} your favorite color, if you even have one, you {censored} boring {censored}.

I've met a lot of people in my life that I've hated, but you, {censored}, take the cake.

You're a {censored} {censored} {censored}, you {censored} {censored}! I've {censored} never met anyone who {censored} {censored} {censored} me off as much as you {censored} do, and I {censored} hate you more than {censored} anything else in the {censored} universe.

{censored} {censored} {censored} {censored} {censored}! {censored} {censored} {censored}, you {censored} {censored} {censored}!

As soon as I'm out of this 'therapy' hell, I don't care what Kishi does, {censored}, I AM COMING FOR YOU!

Have a {censored} {censored} awful day, {censored}!

{censored} you,

Hidan

Dear Granny,

How have you been? Is death suiting you well? You always liked playing dead, I suppose you must be enjoying it.

Eh, but on to topic. I'm supposed to be telling you why I hate you and such, and spelling out why I'm angry with words instead of actions. I've always thought actions speak louder than words, myself, but I can't get out of this so why not?

Let's see...I was very hurt when you showed up to fight me with that terrible pink-haired Leaf ninja, siding with her instead of me. Then you didn't even die properly like I wanted you to when we fought, and only keeled over after I had - and for such a stupid reason, too. Didn't you ever think I might have wanted to keep the Kazekage dead? How very rude.

Puncturing the part of me that kept me alive in my puppets was also a bit mean, too, now that I think about it. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't love me, Granny.

My, I suppose there is something to this letter writing business, because I do feel better now that that's off my chest.

Especially knowing there's no hard feelings, right?

Sincerely yours,

Sasori xoxo

Dear Danzo,

I've never written angry hate mail before, so I'm not sure how it's done.

I don't have a lot to go by, either; Sasori seems to be writing a cordial letter to his grandmother, Deidara is insulting Sasuke Uchiha's sense of fashion, and Kakuzu has been staring contemplatively at a blank wall for half an hour looking like he's just solved the secrets of the universe. If Hidan is to believed it involves a lot of expletives, but Hidan shouldn't be believed under any circumstances so I can't go by that.

I guess I should tell you why I don't like you, but you know why; you killed my best friend.

I suppose I can't really blame you for what happened next and then the years that followed, because those were my actions and my choices, not yours, and you didn't force me to make them. You may have pointed me in a general direction, but it was my own free will that chose the path I did. So no, I won't write about that.

I thought maybe I could try writing about what a wonderful friend and person Yahiko was, but then I figured you wouldn't care anyway, and will probably throw this away when you get it, so why bother. Instead, I'm going to vent a little, and maybe get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a little while now.

You're an arrogant, mean-spirited ass.

And your head looks like a scary alien head I saw in a horror movie once. It's really...disconcerting. Were you born that way, or was it the result of an accident?

Yours Truly,

Nagato, aka Pain.

Dear Naruto Uzumaki,

Long story short: I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my mortal enemy, and I've chosen you. Why? Because it has occurred to me that that's what I'm supposed to do.

You see, I'm having an existential crises now because the more I think about it, the more I realize the sole purpose of the Akatsuki was to be the big bad guys to your goody-two-shoed, heroic ways and that we were all doomed to crash and burn simply because we were going after you, the hero.

We were told to write these stupid things to our 'mortal enemies' like we have a choice, but technically we're all supposed to write a letter to you because that's where we fall into things in the grand scheme: Mortal Enemies of Naruto Uzumaki.

I've never thought of it before, but now that I have I think I've taken offense.

I don't want you as a mortal enemy. You completely suck, as far as mortal enemies go.

You're not too bright (and I don't care what the others say about you being clever at times, you're an idiot, they're just trying to make themselves look better because they're too embarrassed to admit they were defeated by an imbecile), you're loud and obnoxious, you're a pain in the ass, and just looking at you makes me tired. Most of our 'deaths' weren't even caused by you, but by one of your allies, and you all but slide by on dumb luck, good timing, and other people's underestimations.

Basically, you're just a lucky bastard who happens to be the title character, which means temporary immortality until the series ends.

I hope you get violently killed off in the finale. None of the 'heroic sacrifice' crap, either. Just violent death. You've been impaled, what? Three or four times already? Maybe it'll happen again and then actually stick.

Rot in Hell,

Kakuzu

P.S. Stop whining about Sasuke. Nobody cares. His own brother is even tired of hearing about it. You have like a dozen other boys your age you can befriend and cling to. Go pine after one of them. You can't possibly manage to chase them ALL out of your village.

If Miss Kusai or Dr. Mendo found anything amiss with the letters when they read them in private, they didn't voice it aloud (though Kusai, of course, took a copious amount of notes).

Surprisingly, the entire Akastuki managed to pass this step on their first day, even Hidan. Unsurprisingly (and much to most of the group's disappointment) the letters were never actually sent to their intended recipients. Mendo and Kusai thought it would probably be for the best.

AN: This turned out to be much harder to write than I originally intended, mostly because I'm no good at 'mean' letters and flames (when I was little, my mother used to tell me if I couldn't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all, and that notion has stuck with me even now). Also, I had to get into each individual Akatsuki member's mindset and keep their prejudices while simultaneously keeping it light and humorous, something I hope I still succeeded in. ^_^'

Choking hazard over, you may now resume your snacking.

Thanks for reading! Reviews are always appreciated. ^_^