AN: This has taken me ages to get up here as it has totally got away from me and has been a bit of a challenge. I'm breaking my rule of not posting until its finished, but the three people who talked me into writing this have waited long enough. I'm hoping that this will kick my butt and get me writing quicker. I blame the fact that I have now discovered 3D rendering and I have a Shepard and Kaidan model (heheheheee). If you want to see whats been distracting me take a look at my tumblr page (link on my profile) and click 'XNALara renders'

This will be my longest story to date as it's already equal to my largest and I'm no way near done.

Big thanks to Gracie21 for being a fab beta and fixing my poop grammar. :)

Anyways hope you enjoy the Chapter.

Chapter One

"I hold you in my heart, I feel you in my

dreams; and I know that you'll always

and forever be with me. Even if you never come home."

Anonymous

09.21.2193 - Earth - Vancouver

Shepard stood gazing at the memorial wall in central Vancouver. The black granite monolith seemed to absorb all the light, giving off no reflection even on this warm, sunny Saturday.

She reached out and gingerly ran her fingers over the cool stone as she walked along its length. She knew by heart where the name she was looking for was carved, and she made her way there with barely an upward glance. She had stood in front of his name innumerable times in the last 6 years, tracing the letters with her finger as she spoke to him, hoping he could feel her touch wherever he was now.

Sometimes she'd tell him about her day, the trivial little things she'd done, or things he would have laughed at. Sometimes she'd talk about things she'd heard, things that had pissed her off or not gone her way. In the early days she'd cry and tell him how much she missed his touch, his voice, his smell. She'd blame herself for putting him on that ship and sending him away. She'd blame him for not fighting hard enough to get back to her, for leaving her alone. Those kinds of days happened less often now, but she still felt his absence. Felt the pain of him not being there, like an amputee who still feels a phantom itch from a limb long gone.

She'd promised she'd be waiting for him, he'd promised to fight like hell to hold her again. But in the end, those promises had proved impossible to keep.

She'd lain in the ruins of the Citadel for three days, slowly bleeding to death, feeling like her ravaged broken body was on fire, like liquid iron was running through her veins and spilling onto the floor. It had taken everything she had to hang on to life, and all on the promise of him finding her and saving her. As delirium set in she thought she heard him, saw him. His beautiful warm eyes. His full lips. The strong angle of his jaw. The straight line of his nose. By that point she had been unable to differentiate between her dreams and the cold hard reality she faced. She was dying.

In the end it had been just some random, un-named Alliance soldier who found her. A hairs breath away from death, soaked in her own blood, and lost deep in the dark pool of unconsciousness.

She had woken up in a ramshackle hospital four weeks later, exhausted and in unbelievable pain. The whir of medical equipment was strangely reassuring, the multitude of dressings on her raw flesh and the tubes that seemed to come from all over her body was not so. She felt artificial, synthetic like she shouldn't be alive. For one brief moment she panicked, worried that she had taken the wrong path, chosen to fuse all synthetics with organics, something she could never do.

By week three she was slowly coming fully back to the world, her bouts of lucidity lasting for most of the day, but still people refused to talk to her about the Normandy and its crew. Whenever she asked the medical staff exchanged glances and changed the subject; more often than not they excused themselves and hurried out of the room. It was starting to drive her crazy, didn't they realise not knowing was worse than anything else?

Eventually, when her brittle patience was at breaking point she'd started refusing to co-operate with the medical staff. When this yielded no results she snapped, ripped out her tubes and climbed shakily out of her bed. She was startled to discover two Alliance officers guarding her room. They tried to contain her, but even in her fragile physical state her biotics were still more than a match for them. She was determined to get out of the hospital and get some damn answers one way or another.

With her body still battered and broken she hadn't even made it three steps down the hall before she passed out from the pain and exertion of her would-be escape.

She awoke later that day to find her legs newly immobilised by medical supports and felt the unmistakable numbing wave of strong pain relief. She had clearly done more damage to herself and all for nothing. She sighed, turning to gaze out of the small dusty window by her bed and was surprised to see Hackett standing there, his hands clasped behind his back, looking out at the devastation that was London. When he turned to face her, her heart stopped. She'd never forget the look on his face as he delivered the news; his voice softer then she had ever heard it.

The Normandy along with several other vessels had been caught up in the energy wave following the firing of the Crucible. When the wave had hit, the Turian dreadnought Shastinasio suffered a catastrophic systems failure and collided with the Normandy. The SSV Orizaba had reported the loss of both vessels and all souls aboard. No pods were jettisoned; there simply wasn't enough time for an evacuation.

Hackett had rushed for the nurses when she had leant over the rail of her bed and been violently sick. By the time he came back with a nurse, she was sobbing uncontrollably, cradling her head. Her hands balled into fists so tight her knuckles popped and her nails drew blood. The unbearable sense of loss tore through her like a jagged blade through her chest. She'd felt this kind of pain before, 17 years ago, on Mindoir and, as it had happened then, she felt the biting flow of dark energy charging through her body as she lost her grip and her biotics flared wildly. Everything in the room began to rattle and the air became thick with static and the unmistakable smell of ozone. By the time they managed to get close enough to give her a sedative the windows began to crack and her nose began to bleed profusely. The shot worked fast but it didn't stop her dreams of Kaidan being spaced. She'd lived through it, she knew how it felt to breathe in nothing. She would never forget the fire and crushing pressure in her lungs, the pain and the fear that consumed her as she tumbled through the vacuum to her death.

She gave up her fight after that day, what was the point. He had been her main driving force for so long. It was him she fought for, for the future they both saw in each others eyes. Now that future was gone, it had died along side of him, she had nothing left. Kaidan was her home, her centre, and she had lost him. She was alone.

But as is always the way, life eventually gave her other things to fight for, other reasons to keep going.

"Mumma?" A small hand tugged at her jacket, drawing her attention away from the name on the wall.

She bent down and scooped up her daughter, planting a kiss in her soft, dark curls. Holding her tightly, Shepard looked into her innocent blue eyes, a carbon copy of her own and smiled as Kaila began to wind her fingers into her mother's long silky hair.

"Can we have pancakes now?" she cooed.

"Pancakes?" Shepard cocked her head, "I thought we were having ice cream?"

Kaila crossed her arms across her chest and scowled, looking so much like her mother. "Daddy wouldn't stop talking about pancakes, now I really want one."

Shepard laughed at the annoyed look on her daughters face. Kaila had her heart set on an ice cream sundae when they left the house and, as usual, Reese seemed to have managed to change her mind by sheer persistence and downright annoyance.

He'd used the same tactic on Shepard many times in the past. It was how he had eventually convinced her to go out on a date with him, as she had started to pull her life together after the loss of Kaidan.

She thought at times it was also how he got her to eventually fall in love with him too. He was tenacious, never gave up no matter how appallingly she had treated him. Once he set his mind to something he was a damn near unstoppable juggernaut. You either jumped on board or got dragged under the wheels. That's probably what made him such an impressive N7.

She also suspected it was why Hackett had chosen him to work along side her setting up the new N7 training program back in Vancouver when she had returned to active duty. There would be no way for her to ride roughshod over him, blustering her way to how she wanted things. They made a pretty strong and surprisingly effective team.

Of course she had hated his guts for the first year at least. He was arrogant, big headed, childish and antagonistic; things she was not used to dealing with. Her title and reputation meant people usually treated her with respect and yes, sometimes awe. Reese on the other hand drove her completely insane and looking back, counter intuitive as it seemed, he kept her sane at the same time. He grounded her in a way she never would have expected.

When they had first been introduced she had been a well spring of undirected anger, still completely caught up in her grief. He gave her something to direct her anger at, allowing her to vent instead of keeping her toxic emotions bottled up inside to fester and slowly poison what was left of her tattered heart. He had bludgeoned his way in and everyone admitted, they worked well as a couple. He may not have been what she wanted, but he was what she needed.

Shepard kissed the tip of Kaila's nose. "I say we order Daddy a salad, what do you think?" Kaila giggled and pressed her hands to her mouth nodding with glee.

Shepard turned back to the wall and smiled sadly, "Happy Birthday, Kaidan." She placed her finger tips to her mouth, kissed them, and gently pressed them against his name.

Before she had time to turn, Kaila mimicked her actions and pressed her own tiny fingers against Kaidan's name. Shepard's heart clenched and her eyes filled with tears as she set Kaila down. She watched her skip back to the Reese, sitting on the hood of their transport shuttle, twisting his wedding ring as he watched the shuttles overhead.

She turned back to the wall. "I'm still in love with you, ya know? I think I always will be. God, I'd give almost anything to be able to tell you that right now."

She placed her palm over his name once more, feeling the sharp indents of the carved lettering against her skin. With a heart weary sigh, she turned and walked back to her daughter and husband, playfully chasing each other around the shuttle.

09.21.2193 - Far side of Euler, Arcturus Stream - Normandy

"Major Alenko?"

Kaidan was so lost in his thoughts that Traynor's voice startled him, making him slop his whiskey. He cursed under his breath, wiping at his trousers. That one glassful was all he had left. His special treat to himself on his birthday.

"Go ahead Traynor."

"Could I see you for a moment in the CIC?"

"What's the situation?" He closed his eyes, rolling his head on his shoulders. He'd only just come off duty 20 minutes ago, hadn't even changed out of his fatigues.

There was a brief pause. "Its ...easier if I show you, sir."

"I'm on my way." He threw back the remains of the whiskey, closing his eyes to savour the warmth that spread though his body.

Rising to his feet, he set the glass down on the desk before him and brought up the vid wall controls on the console. Just as he was about to close down the slideshow, the image changed. Kaidan paused, his fingers lingering limply over the controls staring at the image before him.

The man in the image was nothing like the man he saw in the mirror every morning. He was six years older now but that wasn't what made him unrecognisable. The man in the image was smirking like an idiot, winking at the camera like a cat that got the cream, his eyes alive with joy. He had one arm outstretched taking the picture, the other wrapped around the woman he loved. Her slender yet muscular arms were wrapped around his bare torso. She was pressing her full lips to cheek, her eyes squeezed shut. He had taken it the morning after their date at Apollo's, the day that they couldn't stop smiling, even with the galaxy crashing down around them.

He instinctively brought the N7 hoodie he held in his hand up to his face and inhaled deeply. Her smell had long since faded, but the familiar brush of the soft fabric against his skin was comforting.

Was she out here, somewhere, looking for him? Was she even alive?

The last time he had seen her, she was sprinting across the battlefield towards the beam. He'd only just been brought in to the med bay and was being tended to by Chakwas when Major Coates' gruff voice had come over the radio, proclaiming that Hammer team had been decimated, no survivors.

He'd leapt off the table in a panic and hit the deck hard, his wounded leg unable to support him. They'd tried to calm him down but he was blind with grief and guilt. He never should have left her. Oh god... he'd lost her again. He crumpled to the floor, a howling wreck as that realisation hit him. He'd lived through this once; he couldn't live through it again.

He felt Chakwas wrap her arms around him, felt her warm tears mingling with his own. He buried his face into her shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably as she rocked him gently. He didn't feel the sedative being injected; every part of him was taken up with replaying their last moments together.

No matter what happens... Know that I love you, always.

He awoke hours later to the unmistakable caustic smell of burning electrics. Garrus placed a hand on his bandaged shoulder gently. The Turian told him that she'd made it to the beam and fired the crucible. She'd done it, the Reapers were dead, they'd won the War.

Kaidan let out a half laugh that was closer to a sob and drew in a deep breath. She had made it to the beam. He should have known better than to doubt her. This was the woman who had head butted a Krogan, taken down a Thresher Maw on foot, survived a fatal poisoning. Even death couldn't best her, she was unstoppable, unbeatable. The wave of relief that crashed over him was so immense it actually made him feel even more light headed than he already was, thanks to the now fading sedative. He closed his eyes tightly and took a few calming breaths before asking if she had made it out or the Citadel ok? How quickly could they get back?

Garrus had lowered his head, his mandibles twitching as a look of anguish flickered across his eyes. Kaidan sat up and grabbed the t-shirt Chakwas had set out for him. He winced as he pulled the t-shirt over his head, swinging his legs round over the edge of the bed. When Garrus didn't answer, Kaidan turned to look at him. That's when he realised something had gone wrong.

Over the Turian's shoulder he could see the mess hall through he med bay window. It looked like a bomb site. Wires were hanging from the ceiling; panels were sparking and crackling fiercely. There were heavy scorch marks across some sections of the floor and walls. It was an unnerving sight. Kaidan couldn't help but replay a scene from his past. Rushing through the mess hall, a siren blaring as the SR1 was rocked by a series of violent and destructive explosions. He'd felt the icy chill of panic on that day too, as his eyes darted back and forth frantically searching for her in the chaos. He shook off the memory and limped carefully out of the med bay to further survey the scene.

The damage thankfully didn't appear to be structural; he didn't much fancy being spaced. It was at that point he realised that the constant hum of the drive core was missing, as was the slight feeling of inertia he was accustomed too after years serving on frigates. They had made an emergency landing, but where? Kaidan walked tentatively into the mess hall and for the first time he noticed Engineer Adams near the ships battery. He had several panels off the wall completely and was surrounded by wires and burnt out components. They weren't getting back to the Citadel anytime soon.

Kaidan was never more please to be serving with some of the finest engineers in the galaxy. They had the Normandy flight ready in a little over a month. The QEC system however was a different story, their COM system was irreparably damaged, they had no way to call for help, no way to contact Earth. But worst of all, no way to find out if Shepard was alive. Their only hope was that they came across a working relay.

It had taken them over six years to get to this far, but they were still no where near the Sol System. The tension on the ship was palpable each time they neared a Mass Relay, hoping to find it intact and functional. But each time they had found the same thing. No energy signals. The spinning gyroscopes in the heart of the relay lay dead or broken, shattered as the crucibles energy wave overloaded the systems.

They had passed three secondary relays in the last six years, all of them in exactly the same condition. He was beginning to lose hope. If all the relays were in the same state he estimated it would take them around forty two years to get back to the Earth using only FTL. He'd be 84 before he'd find out her fate. If she was alive, he'd be an old man when he saw her again, if he lived that long. What kind of life could they have then? So much time had already slipped by them. So many years wasted.

Kaidan shook his head, hit the button to shut down the Vid wall and turned to leave the cabin.

As he made his way down to deck two he tried to push aside his negative thoughts. He was in command of this vessel. He had to be strong for the crew; he had to be as much the immovable centre that Shepard had been if he wanted to keep them sane as they crawled through space.

The lift doors slid open and his hard expression of command softened and melted into a warm smile as he took in the sight before him.

"Happy Birthday, Major!" Garrus crowed as he stepped forward and clapped Kaidan firmly on the back.

Most of the crew had gathered around the galaxy map. They had fashioned a birthday banner and some people even wore bizarre home made party hats.

James stood proudly in the centre of the crowd, holding a cake he must have baked himself and was clearly very pleased with.

Traynor and Liara stood side by side throwing handfuls of torn paper as make shift confetti over everyone. Even Joker had left his seat for once and joined in. He limped forward and handed Kaidan a tumbler or pink liquid. Kaidan sniffed the liquid apprehensively and flinched.

"Moonshine, Joker? Seriously?"

Joker produced a bottle of the same liquid form behind his back. The home made label read, 'Jokers Special Brew'. He handed it with a flourish to Kaidan.

"Happy Birthday, buddy."

Kaidan shook his head and took a small swig of the 'Brew' and almost dropped the glass and bottle in the resulting coughing fit. It was like drinking liquid eezo, god knows what it was doing to his insides. This stuff could probably make a man go blind.

Garrus clapped him on the back again trying to help. "I believe the human phrase is 'Puts hairs on your ass', right?"

Kaidan laughed and started coughing again, his eyes streaming.

Tali appeared by Garrus's side, wrapping her arm around his narrow waist. "Chest, Garrus. The phrase is put's hairs on your chest."

"Well... you get my point." He shrugged.

Joker shook his head and turned back to Kaidan. "Next year, you're gonna get the best present." Kaidan looked at him quizzically. "This time next year we'll be back on Earth."

The room suddenly grew quiet and all eyes fell on them as Joker continued.

"In a little under a year we should be at our first Primary Relay at Arcturus. I figure the Primaries will be fixed first right? So fingers crossed it'll be up and running by the time we get there. You do know what the Arcturus Relay is linked directly to right?" He paused for dramatic effect. "The Charon relay! We should be back on Earth just days after that; I mean Pluto is just around the corner. WE'RE COMING HOME!" he shouted and his outburst was met with a round of spontaneous applause.

Kaidan joined in, he knew the odds weren't good but it was something to hold on to, and it was good to see the crew in such high spirits.

I'm coming baby. I'm fighting to get back to you, just like I promised.