"People have told me this would get easier over time," I say, my voice already choked up.

I've only been there for about five minutes, but it feels like days. This is my favorite and most hated place on Earth. It's the closest I can be to her without her being truly with me.

"Those people don't know what they're talking about. Either that or they're just lying. That's probably it. I can't imagine that anyone could ever really deal with this."

It's a terrible day. I'm standing in the pouring rain with the drops beating upon me and effortlessly sliding off the bottom of my jacket and my skin when I don't bother to brush them away. It's cold and windy and I know I should be dressed better, but I don't care.

The raindrops are beading off the tombstone and surrounding the letters of her name, something that saddens me all the more. As I stare at the marble, I feel my age. More so, I feel the years I missed with her and how much better the world would have been with her in it.

It's been twenty years since that awful day, the day I had first set foot here. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I remember that the sun had been out that day and I had never seen better weather. The feeling of it had angered me tremendously as she never should have died on such a lovely day. The world should have turned inward on itself that day. Rather, it decided to move forward, ignoring her expulsion from the human race.

Her death had been nothing spectacular, as Slayers nearly all fall victim to such a fate. Although she had been found to be nearly invincible by me and several others, she was killed by a vampire. After not coming home for two days, I searched for her, only to find her nearly decapitated body nailed to the wall of a cave of nesting vampires. She was hardly recognizable. Numerous monsters had been drinking the blood of her body when I found her. There is very little I recall after seeing that. The vampires died that night, although I am unable to say how. The only thing I know is that I left the cave coated in blood, carrying her, and shaking ferociously.

As I had stumbled several miles, carrying her remains, the sun rose beautifully in the distance. I had finally stopped under a tree that I strangely felt she would have liked. How I had mustered the strength to dig a hole for her with my own hands was still something I still don't understand. I simply had an urge for no one to see her in such a way. She didn't deserve that. Even now, I was unable to remember exactly how she looked that day. My memories of her life thankfully overshadow that.

I wish I had told her the truth. Although I had never told her that I loved her, I feel that it somehow would make things better now. Maybe I would be able to move forward in some way. Everyone else had moved on, despite their attempts to help me. Sam is married to Faith. Dawn and her husband, a fellow hunter, have three little girls, with one looking almost identical to her older sister. People have come and gone over the years, none more heartbreaking than Buffy.

Tracing my fingers over the lettering of her name, I close my eyes. For a moment, I can smell her. It's the smell of the earth, the one I always associated with her. She would have hated that, had I ever told her, but I always felt she smelled like a hunt. It was fantastic. It was better than any store bought brand perfume. The scent of dirt, grass, and wind was always upon her.

"I'll see you," I whisper, opening my eyes and taking a last glimpse at the stone before walking back home.