Chapter 10: Atonement

"Your father was wrong." Gibbs' muttered, stomping his feet on the ground trying to get the blood going to his extremities.

Gibbs waited until McGee looked at him with teary green eyes before completing. "You would have been a great father."

"How do you know that?"

"Because… " Gibbs took a step closer to McGee, finally resting a heavy hand on the younger man, forcing him to keep looking at him despite the tears and despair. "… that's who you are. You're a great man, moving towards becoming even greater. You genuinely care about the people you meet, your friends and coworkers... And you would teach that to your son with respect and care. I know… that you would have been… a great father." Gibbs enunciated each world of the last sentence with great care, trying to impress his point of view in the suffering lad in front of him.

It was like a dam was broken, finally letting all the pain finally run free. McGee's shoulders hunched even more than before, his face crunched as tears became unstoppable, releasing eleven years of pain, guilt and despair which run free and emptying the festering boils of grief in his soul, letting him empty and shaking, yet for the first time in many years strangely free of the burden he had been carrying for so long on his own.

The waterworks were painful to see, but Gibbs knew they were necessary in order to allow McGee to be fully functional again, so he was man enough to silently support him during his time of need, either with a strong grasp on his shoulder or, when McGee's emotional burden became too much, to catch him in his arms as the younger man's legs failed him and he fell kneeling on the snow covered ground, wailing at the pain which had never really had been acknowledged or mentioned before.

They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, days, who cares. Gibbs held him firmly, squeezing lightly his shoulder when needed, observing the wailing slowly become sobs, then the sobs become hiccups and finally slowed down into tears, slowly dripping onto the white snow below them.

Silence permeated the air, the incoming evening stealing the feeble light and making the environment of the cemetery even more sad and gray.

"Feeling better?" Gibbs asked as he noticed McGee finally acknowledging him again with clear eyes, as the well of tears had finally dried.

"Yeah."

"Let's go home, Tim." Gibbs reluctantly released his grasp on McGee's shoulder, standing up and supporting him by his elbows, bringing him to his own feet with care, noticing the empty shocked gaze in his younger agent.

Gibbs checked that McGee could stand on his own, letting him go for a minute so he can silently and reverently touch the tombstone of his dead child, muttering a silent prayer before turning his back and following Gibbs down the lane towards the exit.

They walked in silence, not willing to bother each other thoughts and were quite surprised when a young teenager in black jeans and tethered black Sabbath jacket left a lane in their right, coming from her own private goodbye. She looked at them startled with red rimmed gray eyes, dominating a pale face and long black hair with red streaks. She looked at them for a second before glancing back the way she came, then nodded at them briefly before taking the same lane out of the cemetery, without looking back at them or to the tombstone she had just visited.

Faint music started to float in the empty cemetery, making both agents look at each other before taking the lane the girl had left, curious about the origin of the sound.

You were once
My one companion ...
You were all
That mattered ...

They approached a fresh grave, surrounded by flower garlands and mementos of a life gone bye. There were offerings of those who knew the deceased: flowers, poetry and paintings and a small walkman connected to an audio system. And from there came the pure strains of a young mourning voice.

You were once
A friend and father -
Then my world
Was shattered

They exchanged a look before approaching the stone slab, reading the inscription which dated from the day before.

Here rests
June 4th 1953 – November 7th 2012
CHANNEL DEE
Beloved mother, wife and friend
You live forever in the music of your children

Wishing you were
Somehow here again
Wishing you were
Somehow near
Sometimes it seemed
If I just dreamed,
Somehow you would
Be here

As the chords and melody of the song involved them, they observed the silent memorial to another life lost, silently remembered by those who had loved her.

"She was loved," McGee muttered, the lyrics of the song touching in his soul and slowly acting like a balm over his wounded soul. He blinked lightly as he closed his eyes and finally letting the music flow around him.

Wishing I could
Hear your voice again
Knowing that I Never would
Dreaming of you
Won't help me to do
All that you dreamed
I could

They left the fresh grave and went back to the lane, walking towards their cars parked in the main access road. There were no words exchanged, as the song expressed exactly their thoughts as the snow crunched beneath their shoes and they walked between the tombs and sculpted angels.

Passing bells
And sculpted angels,
Cold and monumental,
Seem, for you,
The wrong companions
You were warm and gentle
Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past
Just die?

As they approached the car, Gibbs stopped as he noticed the shadows of people standing beside their cars. He frowned a little as he recognized Tony, Kate and Abby resting against his car, talking softly between them.

McGee froze as he noticed the team just a few yards away, uncertain of what to say or do as his little secret was exposed to his team.

Wishing you were
Somehow here again
Knowing we must
Say goodbye
Try to forgive!
Teach me to live!
Give me the strength
To try!

Surprisingly it was Kate who took the lead, approaching them with slow steps until she was standing before McGee who was sniffing softly. Her gaze was filled with compassion as she took another step and hugged him, trying to transmit in a gesture what couldn't be said in words.
Slowly Abby and Tony approached them and also hugged McGee, trying to console him and be there for him in a way no one had tried before.

After a few whispered heartfelt condolences, they ushered McGee to the car, being silently followed by Gibbs who was smiling proudly at his 'kids' banding together around their friend in pain to sooth and heal him.

McGee sniffed loudly and tried to wipe his nose, being promptly given a hankie embroidered with tiny batman signs by Abby. He giggled lightly, bringing a small smile to Gibbs' face as he saw how he interacted with his colleagues.

He would heal. It would take time, but he wasn't broken, just bended.

No more memories,
No more silent tears!

They filed into the cars, eager to go somewhere warm for coffee and to talk, really talk about the past, figure out the present and plan the future.

No more gazing across
The wasted years!

McGee stopped before entering the car, gazing towards the lane where the body of his baby boy rested forever.

Help me say
Goodbye.

"Good bye, Brian. Daddy loves you."

Help me say
Goodbye.

a/n: This story is dedicated to ChannelD, one of the Administrators of the NCIS Fanfiction Addiction Forum who passed away November 7th last year. She was also a fellow writer and dedicated mother and friend. May she live forever in the words written by her hands lost in the www.

You will be missed.

K.