A/N: Hey, sorry that it took me so long to update. I'm kinda really busy lately, but I won't bore you with the details. I kinda wanted to upload it last night, but I'm glad I didn't cuz I wrote 2000 more words today.

This chapter is kinda sad because like I said it's about Shay's break up with Clarice. There are a few mentions in this chapter about Clarice being the love of Shay's life, please know that this is because Shay thinks she is. She hasn't really figuered out here feelings for Dawson yet, but she will. Just be patient. This is a Shawson fanfiction, but that doesn't mean it won't have any mentions of Shay and Dawson with other persons like Clarice or Casey. It does mean that this story is about the relationship between the two girls and how they devolop their feelings for each other.

Like I said before English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta, so I'll take responsibility for all the mistakes I made in this chapter. I unfortunately still don't own the show, nor it's characters so all credits for that go out to those who do.

I want to thank every single one of you who supports me to write and reads my story. Just know that I appriciate it a lot. Ow and please let me know what you think by reviewing! Reviews really help me to upload faster!

Okay, I think I said enough, I hope you'll all enjoy the next chapter of 'I never told you'

Chapter 3: Clarice

A few months had passed by since I had started at the firehouse. Dawson, the boys and I had become pretty close these past few months. The firehouse wasn't just a place I worked anymore, it had become my second home, and the people at the station had become my second family. I loved every single one of them, and I knew that when I would get myself in trouble, all of them would have my back. Just like I would have theirs.

I still remember the first friends of firefighter's barbeque I attended. Dawson and I thought it would be weird going, since well none of us really was a fire fighter. But chief Boden had pointed to the ambulance, where in big red letters 'CHICAGO FIRE DEPARTMENT' was written and had convinced Dawson and me that we were just as much a part of the team as any of the guys was. And after Severide pretty much begged me to go, because according to him it was the best event of the year, Dawson and I decided to go. And he was right, it definitely had been the best event of the year.

"Hey Hermann and Cindy are here." I heard Dawson say. As I saw a very pregnant Cindy, Hermann and their two kids walking towards our table.

"Wauw, woman sure looks pregnant."

"Sharp notice, Otis." Severide joked as he patted the guy on his shoulder. Which according to the painful look on Otis face was probably a little too hard. Otis had joined our station a few weeks ago, and since he was the new candidate everybody pretty much made fun of him by calling him Otis. I wasn't even sure what his real name was, even though he had introduced himself to me not to long ago. I think it was something like Byron or Brian. But it didn't really matter, I would call him Otis anyway.

"Yea, I mean it's pretty obvious Otis, woman is about to pop." Dawson said as she took another sip from her beer.

My eyes went straight to Clarice. We had been thinking about getting a baby ourselves. Not right now, but we talked about our future a lot, to make sure we wanted the same things. Last week it had gotten a little out of hand and we had even came up with baby names, while we had been cuddling on the couch talking about how a baby would change our lives.

Severide looked at me like he could read my mind. I had told him about my baby chat with Clarice the other day, and the smirk on his face told me he exactly knew what I was thinking. "What?" I asked, it sounded meaner than I intended it to be.

"Nothing." He said a laugh hiding in his voice.

I looked from him, to his fiancée Renee, as my eyes told him, that he was more screwed than I was. I mean he was getting married in 3 weeks. And yes, Clarice and I had been talking about marriage and even babies and stuff, but that didn't mean we were gonna marry or get a baby any time soon. It just meant that we were trying to plan our future, there was nothing wrong with planning your future, right?

"Hey guys." Herrmann said as he and Cindy entered our table. We all greeted them back, as both Cindy and Herrmann sat down.

"So Cindy how long till the baby's due day?" My girlfriend Clarice asked. She was really interested in everything that had to do with babies lately. I think it was because she really wanted to have a baby herself. It was just we were still pretty young, and well a baby was pretty expensive, so we would wait at least 3 more years.

"5 more weeks." The woman answered as she laid her hand on her belly which emphasized how big she already was.

"Plenty of time." Dawson joked. I laughed, maybe even a little too loud. I knew people probably thought it wasn't even that funny, but the way Dawson had said it like she didn't even wanted to say it aloud made it sound kind of hilarious. I even noticed some of the other people at our table laughing too.

We chatted about everything and nothing for a while. Everyone was smiling and seemed to be having a good time, except for one person, one of the persons I cared most about.

I looked at Dawson who seemed to be staring into the distance with a sad smile on her face. I followed her gaze to see what she was looking at and once I saw what, or better to say who she was looking at, I understood the sad smile on her face. Dawson had developed this huge annoying crush for one of Station 51 Lieutenants. And the biggest problem was, he didn't even seem to notice her. Yea, I know right, was he blind or something? Dawson was one of those amazing beautiful girls, and every boy would turn around if she'd pass them on the sidewalk. How could he not notice her? But Casey only seemed to have eyes for his girlfriend Hallie. I think they were together for 4 years already, so yea it wasn't like his girlfriend was just a flirt and Dawson would have her chance later, they were pretty serious.

I really hated to see Dawson so sad and lost. She hadn't brought a date, like most of us had, and I felt like it was my job to make her smile again. A real smile, not the fake one she was showing off right now. So I stood up and walked over to her as I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Hey you wanna come with me? I think the boys over there are waiting to get their ass kicked." I said as I pointed towards the field where some of the kids were playing soccer.

"Don't you dare saying that in front of my kids Shay." Herrmann said, a laugh hiding in his voice as he pointed one of his fingers towards me.

"Oh no, I wouldn't dare." I said sarcastically, as I pretended to sound offended by what he had just said. Everyone, except for Herrmann's wife Cindy, started laughing. We all knew Herrmann used words like that around his kids all the time.

"You coming?" I asked Dawson one more time. She nodded as she stood up. "Yeah, lets kick some ass."

"DAWSON! I'm not warning again!" Herrmann yelled playful, but we were already jogging towards the soccer field.

Once we arrived at the field, which was only a few feet away from the table we had been sitting at before, Dawson grabbed Lee Henry, Herrmann's oldest son and lifted him up from the floor as she pulled him over her shoulder and started running around over the grass. The little boy laughing and yelling in amusement. I smiled at the sight in front of me, Dawson was great with kids, I loved that about her. I was glad I got her distracted from the whole Casey thing.

I wanted to walk over to her when I felt two little arms wrapped around my legs. "Up." A little boy's voice said. I looked down at my own legs to find Darden's oldest son Ben standing there. He had turned 3 four weeks ago and was still pretty small for his age. I grabbed him up from the floor as I carried him around like a baby, swinging him around as I ran over to Dawson and Lee Henry. Ben screaming in amusement.

We had been playing with the boys for quite some time, and both Dawson and I had gotten pretty tired from the tickle attacks the boys kept giving us. We had been lying on the ground, the boys tickling us like they knew no mercy. Darden and Heather had just stopped by to pick Ben up. I thanked the little boy for the great time with a high five, and got up from the ground, Dawson doing the same. "I don't think I ever laughed so much in my life." I said, still laughing a little.

"Boy sure knows my weak spots." Dawson joked.

"So do I now." I said raising an eyebrow as I poked Dawson in her side, knowing she'd go crazy. A scream which I swear didn't sound human escaped her throat as I continued tickling her in her side.

"Leslie Elizabeth Shay!" Dawson yelled as she dropped herself to the floor with me falling half on top of her. "Leslie. Please, I beg you sto-ooop." Dawson said, not being able to maintain her laughter. I loved hearing her laugh, I couldn't help but feel the smile on my face grow by every laugh that escaped her throat. I didn't want her to stop laughing, and besides I was having way too much fun myself to stop.

We continued rolling over the grass, tickling each other like two little kids for a while, until we were both lying on the grass next to each other trying to catch our breath.

Dawson turned her face to look at me, as we were now facing each other. "Thanks. For doing that." She said sarcastically. But I knew better than that, I knew what Dawson was really thanking me for. The smile on her face told me that she really was thankful that I had distract her for a while.

I smiled at her only to find her smiling back at me. I loved the way she wasn't just smiling with her mouth, her eyes were smiling too. It gave me a weird tingling feeling in my stomach. And before I could really think about whatever it meant, and before I would lose myself completely in Dawson's eyes, I sat up. Dawson doing the same next to me. I got up from the floor, to find Dawson stretching out her hand, waiting for me to grab it and help her to get up. "Come here old lady." I joked as I grabbed her hand and pulled her up in one flawless move. I tried to wipe the grass from my pants. And when I looked up I saw Dawson staring at Casey again. I hated the way her smile dropped in only a few seconds.

I looked around the sideline to see if anyone had been watching what Dawson and I had been doing. I mean we had been rolling on the grass tickling and laughing like two 5 year olds. And when I thought nobody had really paid any attention to us, I saw Clarice standing on the other side of the field. I felt kind of guilty since I had spent the last hour playing with the kids and Dawson, not giving any attention to her. But on the other hand she could have joined us, right?

"Les!" She yelled a little annoyed once she saw I had seen her too. "You coming? It's getting quite late, and you're having an early shift tomorrow."

"Yea, coming right away!" I yelled at her, as I looked back at Dawson. "I guess I'll see you on the job tomorrow?"

"8am." Dawson said, still having this perfect little smile on her face. Really that smile made my day.

"8am it is." I said as I wrapped her into a tight hug. My nose nuzzled in her neck as I breathed in the smell of her perfume. I knew I was probably hugging her for a little longer than I should, but hugging Gabby felt so right. "Bye." I said once I let her go.

"Bye." Her voice spoke soft.

I walked over to Clarice, we said our goodbyes to everyone else and started walking towards our car. I couldn't resist looking back one more time. Only to find Gabby hugging Hallie goodbye. A sting went through my heart when I saw her wrapping her arms around Casey.

"You okay?" Clarice asked.

I turned my head back to her but couldn't hide the sad smile that was showing on my face. "Yea, why wouldn't I be?" I said as I linked my arm in hers.

Two days later I came home from my shift. I was tired as hell, we barely had gotten any sleep last night. There had been a big fire at a nightclub, and well let's just say the chaos had been huge. It had taken Dawson and me hours to help everyone at the scene while other paramedics were trying to get everyone to the hospital.

It wasn't weird that I came home in an empty apartment so I didn't really thought about it. I figured Clarice had probably already left for work. That really sucked, sometimes we didn't got to see each other for like two days or even more since I was on the job 24 hours and off the next 48.

I dropped my bag to the floor as I heated straight to my room. I knew exactly how I would spend the first free hours I had. I dropped my body on my bed, not even bothering to change to my pajamas. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it I drifted off in a deep sleep.

I woke up around 3pm, which wasn't that weird considering I hadn't gotten any sleep last night. My sleep schedule had gotten pretty messed up since I had become a paramedic. But I loved my job, and thank God I could handle the lack of sleep, most of the time.

The first thing I noticed was that I was still wearing my clothes. I should probably take a shower and change into different clothes before doing anything else, but my stomach seemed to disagree by the loud noise it was making. And since no one else was home and I was really hungry I decided to make myself a sandwich before getting into the shower. I mean I could manage 30 more minutes in these clothes right? It was not like they were smelling that bad, they had been in my locker my entire shift anyway, so..

I walked from my room to the kitchen as I noticed something strange was going on. I looked around and noticed how empty my apartment looked. Had it always been this empty, or was something missing? I wiped the sleep from my eyes to take a better look. No, it wasn't just my imagination, there were definitely things missing here. And as I looked around there seemed to be more and more things missing. Had someone been in the house while I had been asleep? Or had it already been this empty when I walked in this morning and hadn't I noticed because of how sleepy I was? Whatever it was, it was scaring me, and something told me that whatever this was, it wasn't good.

I got right, because when I reached the kitchen I saw a note on the fridge. And there was nothing wrong with a note on the fridge, there were days where Clarice and I only communicated by the notes on the fridge, because of our different work schedules. But this time I knew it was wrong. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, and by every step I took towards the fridge the knot in my stomach seemed to grow. I suddenly wasn't hungry anymore.

I took one final step as I ripped the note from the fridge. With shaking hands I read what it said. I read it again, read it one more time as I dropped the small piece of paper to the floor. She was gone. Clarice, the love of my life was gone. And all she had left, was a freaking note on the fridge. There hadn't even been a reason on the small note saying why she was gone. It just said she was leaving me.

I looked at the small piece of yellow paper that was lying on the floor. I was having a hard time to stay on my feet, it was like the floor was flooding away underneath me. I couldn't even cry, I was just standing there frozen in my spot.

I searched for something to hold onto. And once my hands rested on the counter, keeping me steady on my feet, the tears started to flow out of my eyes. I cried, and cried, until my vision got so blurry because of the tears that I wasn't able to see anything anymore. I couldn't keep myself up anymore and dropped myself on the floor, my knees hitting first.

I don't know how I had gotten from the kitchen floor to the couch, and I don't know how or when I had called Dawson, but a few minutes later I heard a loud knock on the door. "Shay? Shay sweetie it's me, please open the door." I heard Dawson's voice coming from the other side of the door. She sounded concerned, which broke my heart even more. I didn't wanted Dawson to be concerned about me, but on the other side, I was in way too big of a shock to care.

She knocked again. I wanted to get up and open the door for her, I really wanted to, but I couldn't. I was frozen in my spot on the couch, our couch. Or was it mine, now Clarice was gone? I didn't knew but the thought of Clarice made my cry again.

"Shay? Please open the door. Sweetheart?" I heard Gabriela's voice again. She sounded way more concerned than she had the first time, probably since I wasn't responding. I wanted to tell her that I kept a key underneath the doormat, but I couldn't. I opened my mouth, but no words seem to come out. Instead I only started to breath faster and faster and before I knew it, I was hyperventilating.

I heard the door open. I didn't knew how Dawson had found the key, but I was glad she had. I didn't want her to see me like this, but on the other hand I didn't want to be alone either.

She walked over to me, she didn't asked me what happened, I didn't knew if I had already told her on the phone or if she didn't want to make me more upset, but I appreciated that she didn't ask for an explanation. She just sat next to me on the couch and held me. She held me so tight, like she was trying to keep me together while I was falling apart. I buried my face in her neck as the tears kept streaming down my face.

"Shht." She cooed. "It's going to be alright sweetie. Whatever it is, it's all gonna be alright. I'm here. I'm right here." She cooed while she kept rubbing my back, trying to calm me down.

It was working, my breathing became slower again, and after a while I stopped sobbing and I finally felt like I could breathe again. "She- She." I stuttered. It was so scared to say aloud. If I would say it aloud, if I would say Clarice was gone, it would become real. I know it already was, but to me it all still seemed like an awful night mare. This wasn't real, I couldn't believe this was actually happening to me. "She is go-ne." I said in between a sob, and as I had spoken the words, I broke down in tears again. I didn't want to cry anymore, but I couldn't stop. I was so broken, so lost. I was falling apart in so many ways, and the only thing that was holding me in place where Dawson's arms.

I don't know for how long we sat there, I don't know for how long I had been crying in Dawson's arms when Dawson got up from the couch. Before I knew what I was doing I was holding on to Dawson's t-shirt like a little kid would when he didn't wanted his mommy to leave. I couldn't help myself, I really didn't liked Dawson leaving me alone on the couch. It felt like not only Clarice had left me, now Dawson was leaving me too. "Don't leave." I said with a high scared voice.

"I'm not going anywhere sweetie. I'm just gonna grab you a glass of water." She spoke with a soft calm voice as she placed a kiss on the top of my head. "I'm not leaving you, I'll be right back. I promise." I let her shirt go, and Dawson walked over to the kitchen. I calmed down a little, she promised she wouldn't leave me.

I saw her grabbing the yellow note I had dropped to the floor. I looked at her while she read it. I followed every movement she made, still scared she'd run away from me. I noticed how she shook her head once she was done reading and how she placed the note on the counter.

She looked over to me, to make sure I was okay. I wasn't, she knew I wasn't but at least I wasn't crying anymore. She smiled at me, which warmed my heart a little. I tried smiling back at her, but I was pretty positive I had failed. She was finally filling a glass with water after she had opened a few cabinets to find one. I hadn't stopped following every movement Dawson was making, and even when Dawson walked back from the open kitchen to the couch, which only was a few feet in my small apartment, my eyes never left her for a second.

"Here." She said as she handed me the glass. I took a few sips and immediately noticed how it helped me calming down a little more. "Thank you." I whispered as I handed Dawson back the glass.

She didn't said anything back, she just smiled at me. And that smile said more to me than thousand words ever could.

I looked around the tiny half empty apartment. I probably shouldn't have because that's when it hit me. Clarice wasn't coming back, I'd be on my own from now and that's when the tears started to roll down my face again. "I- I can't be here anymore. I can't sit on this couch, our couch. I can't sleep in my bed. Our bed. I just can't." I started hyperventilating again. Dawson immediately grabbed the glass of water again and made me take a few sips so my breathing was calming down again. "I can't live here anymore." I said when I looked around one more time. "Everything has written her name on it, there are too many memories here. It just.. I can't."

"Shtt baby, don't cry." Dawson cooed as she wrapped an arm around me. "You can stay with me."

"I can't ask that from you." I said between my tears.

"Well I'm not leaving you behind, so you don't really have a choice. Well you have one, we stay here or we're going to my place."

I really didn't wanna stay here, where everything reminded me of Clarice and how she wasn't coming back anymore. And I really didn't wanna be alone either, so I nodded. "I'll stay with you, until I've found a new place to live."

"Good." Dawson said, as she placed another kiss on top of my hairline. "Come lets grab you some stuff and I'll cook you dinner once we're at my place." She said as she got up from the couch, reaching out her hand waiting for me to grab it. Which I did and I followed her to my room, to grab some stuff to stay the night.

Once Dawson and I had arrived at her apartment we had both dropped on her couch, and started watching Dawson's Rizzoli and Isles DVD boxes. We hadn't even bothered to set the table once Dawson was almost done cooking. We just ate in front of the television while Maura and Jane where solving one murder after the other.

I hadn't noticed it was already 11pm when Dawson asked me if I wanted to take a shower. I looked down to see that I was still wearing the same clothes I had been sleeping in earlier today. I was kinda embarrassed I had worn them around Dawson the entire time. But well Dawson had seen me probably on my worst today, so it didn't really matter anymore. But yea a shower sounded good, so I nodded as Dawson handed me a towel. "Shampoo is in the shower." She said smiling.

"Thank you Gabby." I said. I wasn't just thanking her for the towel and the shampoo, I was thanking her for everything today, I hope she knew that.

She didn't replied. Instead she gave me a smile, just like she had when we had still been at my place. And believe me, Dawson's smiles were so much better than all the words in the world together.

Once I had gotten out of the shower, brushed my teeth and got into one of my old t-shirts that functioned as my pajamas, I walked out of the small bathroom. I found Dawson sitting on her couch, already wearing her pajamas. "You ready?" She asked once she noticed I was there.

I nodded, as I kept standing in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do.

"So uhm, I don't really have a guestroom or anything, it's not that big of an apartment." Dawson said. "But I can take the couch, so you can take my room."

"Dawson don't be silly, I can take the couch." I said. My voice finally started to sound like myself again, that shower sure had done me good.

"No you're the guest. I'm not gonna let you sleep on my couch, it's uncomfortable as hell."

I really didn't want her to sleep on the couch anymore. She didn't want me to sleep on it since it was uncomfortable, well if it was uncomfortable she shouldn't sleep on it either. "We can both sleep in your room." I suggested. "it's not a problem to me, besides I don't really wanna sleep alone tonight anyways." I said kind of embarrassed. My voice was sounding sad again. I wanted to shoot myself for thinking about Clarice again.

"Okay." Dawson said, in a way only Dawson could.

We turned off the lights and went into her bedroom.

"Do you have a side?" I asked.

"What?" Dawson asked, a little confused.

"Of the bed. Do you have a side?"

"Oh uhm no not really, I kind of sleep in the middle." She said. And I thought I saw a little blush appear on her cheeks, but I couldn't tell for sure since it was already pretty dark in the room, only one of the small nightstands was on.

"Ow uhm okay." I was standing on the left side of her bed and Dawson was already standing on the right, so I assumed I'd just get into the left side of the bed. I crawled beneath the sheets, feeling Dawson do the same on the other side of the bed.

Dawson turned the nightstand off, and I could feel that she was nuzzling herself deeper into the sheets. "Night Gabs."

"Night Les."

It was quiet in the room, there was nothing to hear but our breaths. I thought it was kinda weird that I was lying in the same bed as Dawson, that had never happened before. How had we end up like this? And that's when I remembered why I was here again. I felt a wet spot on my left cheek, and realized I had started crying again.

"Leslie?" I heard Dawson's sleepy voice whisper.

"Yea?" I tried to say as normal as possible, I didn't want her to know I was crying. But I knew I had failed, my voice had come out so broken, so fragile.

"Are you crying?" She whispered.

I didn't say anything back. But I could hear myself sobbing, and since it was dead quiet in the room, I knew Dawson could probably hear it too.

"Aw baby." She said, as she moved closer to me. "Come here." She started spooning me from behind. Which made me cry only more. "Shht." She cooed, while she stroke with her hand through my hair. I knew that I would have never let anyone besides Gabriela spoon me like that, but the way here fingers stroked through my hair, the way she wrapped her other arm around me, it all felt so right.

And that's the day I realized home wasn't a place. Because look at my apartment. Yes it was my house, but it sure didn't felt like home anymore. No, home was a person, and now that the one person that made my house feel like a home was gone, I knew I had to start looking for a new home. And part of me knew I had already found one, because I had never felt more safe in the entire world than I had felt right there in Gabriela's arms.