The Heart Wants What It Wants

A/N: The idea started as one for a quick one shot that was going in a completely different direction but spiralled into this instead. Hopefully you'll enjoy, its definitely an angsty one. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. I haven't written in a while, so this was my attempt at getting back into it.

Beca was going to break up with Jesse, she was; just as soon as the stick she just peed on told her that her worst nightmares weren't about to come true.

Pregnant, of course she was. Beca was now the girl she had made one too many nasty comments about in the past; comments she was regretting in this moment because boy, karma was a bitch. Beca didn't want a kid, she never did and she certainly didn't want one at 19 and she definitely didn't want one with Jesse. Jesse was nice, he was funny, he was cute, and he was a good to her; quite frankly he was the kind of boyfriend most girls would love to have. Still though, Beca found herself uninterested. Jesse didn't make her feel any of the things she thought she should feel if she was really in love. She didn't feel any of the things she knew Jesse felt for her. She didn't feel any of the things she felt when she was with Chloe.

Chloe, right, damnit; they were supposed to hang out tonight. That must be what all the buzzing from her phone was about. It wasn't a date, not really. Chloe was just a friend. A friend who perhaps sat a little too close, a friend whose hair Beca enjoyed the smell of a little too much, but still, just a friend. Beca may not be in love with Jesse, but she did have enough decency not to cheat on him. That, or perhaps she just hadn't been given enough of an opportunity to do so. Maybe it was Chloe who was actually too decent; too decent to get an attached girl into a position to cheat. Yeah, maybe that was it.

Sorry, I can't tonight. Something came up.

Beca hated sending that message; she hated disappointing the one person she actually wished she was spending tonight with. She couldn't though, she couldn't go spend time with Chloe and pretend that stupid stick was wrong. If Beca's math was correct and while she was no math major she was sure it was, it had been almost 3 months. As her feelings grew stronger for Chloe, her desire to do anything with Jesse had diminished greatly. Still though, alcohol changes thing and a few months ago after a trip to a karaoke bar, Beca was less than concerned with who it was taking off her shirt. Nor did she bother to check if Jesse actually had a condom on him, or whether or not he used it properly in his more than inebriated state. That time frame though meant she needed to talk to Jesse now, and she needed to take care of this right away. No matter how much she wanted to ignore it, no matter how much she wished it could wait, it couldn't.

Please don't let him propose to me, what girl ever thought that. Again, Jesse was the type of guy most girls would love a proposal from, but Beca, she really didn't want to have to say no. No, I won't let you do the "right" thing, that wasn't Beca's idea of a fun conversation. The right thing, Beca always found that laughable. Coercing some girl into spending the rest of her life tied to you hardly seemed right in any way, shape or form, at least to Beca. Tied to him though, that's what Beca would be if she had this baby and that was the last thing Beca wanted to be. If there was one person on earth Beca wanted to be tied down to, it wasn't Jesse.

They didn't have plans tonight, because she was supposed to be meeting Chloe. Still though, she knew Jesse would be thrilled to see her, he always was. He'd smile wide, hug her, give her a big, wet kiss and tell her how much he missed her in the oh, 17 hours since she'd last seen him. He'd greet her the way she wished she could greet him when he unexpectedly showed up at her door with flowers, or chocolate, or the newest indie release he just knew she'd love. He'd greet her the way he deserved to be greeted, because Jesse, Jesse was a good guy who deserved more than a girl who didn't love him. A girl who wanted someone else so badly all she did was think about her when his lips were all over hers. Jesse deserved the girl he thought Beca was, not the girl she actually was; not the girl who was actually head over heels, madly in love with Chloe. He deserved a girl who would say I love you after over a year in the relationship, and actually mean it.

She could hear him, stumbling around in the room, perhaps trying to put on a shirt or something before he answered the door although if he knew it was her, he probably wouldn't bother. He'd answer, any second now and she'd get the anticipated embrace, the embrace she'd been dreading ever since she dropped the test and decided to walk over to his dorm. The embrace that said, I love you so much, I'm so happy to see you.

"Beca!" his face lit up as he said this, it always did. He wrapped his arms around her, his strong, capable arms pulling her into him. He kissed her softly on the head, a soft, welcoming, loving kiss, the kind Beca had become accustomed to all the while wishing they were from someone else.

"To what do I owe this pleasure my lady," Jesse bowed down as he said this, of course he did. Beca could never figure out why but the boy seemed to worship the ground she walked on. She supposes she was a decent girlfriend, at least at first, before all she could think about was red hair, and the blue eyes she wanted to get lost it. Decent though, that was about it. She never did anything that would make anyone consider her a stellar life partner, and she was nowhere close to as good to Jesse as he was to her. She didn't understand it, but that was the thing about love, it was complicated and hard to understand. Why Jesse loved her and why she didn't love him, that was complicated; the heart wants what it wants, that's what Beca always chocked it up to.

"I uh, I…well I have to talk to you," Beca mumbled, as she was guided into the dorm by Jesse, closing the door behind them.

"What's up babe, are you okay?" Jesse's face instantly contorted into a look of deep concern, genuine concern. Of course he was concerned; she almost never initiated a conversation like this. Sure they talked, they talked all the time and really, Beca enjoyed talking to him, never like this though. Their conversations were almost never held with such serious meaning; never so desperate or with such purpose. Jesse almost certainly found it strange, and of course, he had a reason to be concerned.

They were sitting on his bed now, Jesse's arms still wrapped around her, his hand rubbing her back to soothe. Benji was out, thankfully. Beca must have started crying because Jesse hands were now on her face, wiping the liquid from her cheeks, kissing her, soft and sweet. He didn't say anything though, not yet. Jesse was good at reading her, usually. He could tell when she needed some space, when she needed just to sit. He knew she'd speak when she was ready. Would she ever be ready to tell him this though, she wasn't sure. How do you start telling a guy you're pregnant with his baby, oh and by the way I don't want to be with you anymore; I never loved you and I'm sorry. Sorry seemed woefully inappropriate in this situation. You need to be way more than sorry about something like this.

"Jesse?"

"Yeah?"

"I…"

"Its okay Beca, you can tell me anything. I love you."

Those three words again, the words that broke her heart every time he said them because she didn't feel the same.

"I'm pregnant."

He didn't say anything at first, neither of them did. He kept his arm around her as the shock washed over him though. His first mission was always to protect and comfort her, even when his own world was thrown into disarray. It was admirable, at least Beca thought so, for someone to care so much about another person that they'd consider their feelings before their own. Really, she was incredibly lucky to have someone like that. She had two people like that though, two people who cared that much. Two people she really didn't deserve in her life, because here she was, about to destroy one of them.

After a few moments his shock subsided and Beca could see the corners of his lips curl, upwards. He was smiling, how could he possible smile in this situation. That was Jesse though, always smiling.

"I love you," he started.

Tell me something I don't know Beca thought.

"I love you, and we can make this work. I know we're young, so young but we love each other and we can get married."

Don't propose, please don't propose. That was all Beca had asked of the universe and here he was, kind of proposing. Wrong and proposing too, she didn't love him, not the way he loved her. It was her fault he believed that though. When you say those three words, the person on the receiving end is usually inclined to believe you, even if you are lying. She couldn't stop herself from saying it, from saying I love you too that night he first told her. They had been dating for six months and they were just lying on the bed in his dorm room. He whispered it and kissed her softly on the side of the side. Perhaps at that time she had meant it, but even time subsequently that she had said it, it was because she felt she should, not because she felt it. She didn't love him too, and that was one of their biggest problems. Maybe if she did love him she could swallow the idea of getting married and having a baby at 19, but she didn't, and Beca couldn't think of anything worse than marrying someone she didn't love.

Love, it was something Beca never really considered but something about the deep blue eyes that she really loved changed that. She would have never deeply considered the implications of marrying someone you didn't love before, before Chloe. Chloe changed everything though; loving Chloe meant that marrying someone she didn't really love was the worst thing Beca could fathom. She couldn't fathom being with someone who wasn't Chloe, for the rest of her life; that wasn't an option, not for Beca. This mistake, this whatever it was, Beca didn't want it to define her life.

Jesse was still waiting expectantly for Beca's response to his reaction. The minutes ticked by, the silence almost deafening. Beca knew what she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to say it, still.

"We can't get married Jesse, we're 19," was all she could think to say, as if the fact that they were still teenagers was the only reason they shouldn't get hitched.

"We don't have to do it right away; I'm just saying that I'm not going anywhere. I'll be there for you, always."

His sentiment was nice really, and he reacted better than most 19 year old guys would to the news that their college girlfriend was pregnant. That was Jesse though, Jesse was a good guy, even if he wasn't the guy for her, he was still a good guy.

Beca leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. If only for the moment she wanted to feel that someone was there for her, even if it wasn't the person she wanted to be.

"Jesse," she started after a few more moments of silence, "I don't think I can do this." She was being vague, not on purpose really; they were just the only words that came out.

"I know its scary," he hugged her tighter, "but we can do it together. I'll get a job somewhere other than the radio station, and we can get an apartment together. If we work really hard, and get some help, we can even both still finish school. I know my mom will help us, she'll understand."

Jesse's mom, how could Beca forget about her. Jesse was close with her and had probably told Beca hundreds of stories about her in the last 18 months. She was his rock, and of course she would understand. Jesse's mom had him when she was 18, Beca remembered him telling her, 18 and alone. If she wasn't already the worst girlfriend in the world for not even loving him, she certainly was for forgetting this very intimate detail of his life. The fact that his mother was a single, teenage mother and that he grew up without a father; how could Beca forget that. How could Beca come here and tell him she didn't want the baby, when if his own mother had said the same thing, he wouldn't even exist. If she didn't know what to say next a few minutes ago, she certainly didn't now.

"Jesse…" Beca started, but she stopped herself. It was too hard for her to say. She had never been good at facing her own feelings, telling people how she really felt, letting people in, why would that change now?

"Beca, its okay you know, you can tell me what you're feeling. I want to know, I love you."

Those words again, the words that tore at her heart and made her feel more awful every time he said them.

"I don't love you," those words, they just slipped out. It was how she really felt, but not how she meant for him to find out. So callous and cold, telling someone you don't love them. You might as well just stab them, it would probably hurt a lot less.

Jesse, for the first time since she arrived at his dorm room released her from his arms. The hurt visible in the boy's eyes was enough to crush Beca's already hurting heart. She didn't love him, but she still couldn't stand to see him in so much pain. To be the cause of that pain was even worse. She was his girlfriend, she had stayed with him for a year and a half, she was supposed to love him, supposed to be there for him and at the very least wasn't supposed to be the cause of his pain.

"Jesse, I'm sorry."

He was still silent, is there really anything you can say when the person you care about most in the world tells you they don't feel the same.

"Just tell me what you want to do Beca, whatever it is, I'll help you."

This wasn't what she expected from him. She expected him to get upset, to yell, to cry. She expected him to do anything other than ask her what she wants. She should have expected it though, because Jesse is kind, he's sweet and he'd do anything for her.

He returned his hand to her back, because no matter how much he was hurting in this moment, he knew she was too.

"I don't want to be a mom," she spoke up finally, "not now, not like this."

Jesse didn't cut her off, he didn't try to convince her otherwise. He just nodded his head, in understanding. Jesse knew Beca, he knew when she said this that she was sure. Neither of them got up from the bed, they just sat. After a while Jesse lay down, it was only 9 pm but the emotions of the day were exhausting. He said nothing when Beca lay down next to him, head on his chest. They stayed like this for the rest of the night, silent. Benji thought nothing of it when he came in, smiling and turning off the lights before turning in himself. There was nothing left to say, not tonight.

It wasn't unusual for Beca to wake up next to Jesse, it had happened plenty of times before, but it was unusual for him not to be there when she woke up. After last night though, it really wasn't that shocking. Beca wouldn't be there either; she wouldn't stay lying next to the person who broke her heart so suddenly into a million little pieces. It would be too hard. It was Jesse's dorm room, so the question was, where was he.

Beca wasn't sure if she should wait, but she was sure she shouldn't leave. Everything wasn't resolved just because Jesse knew she didn't feel the same about him. Her problems weren't resolved, even if she knew what she wanted to do about them. If anything, everything was more complicated now. She didn't actually expect Jesse to be there for her, how could she, not after what she did to him.

Beca did the only thing she could think to do, and perhaps the most inappropriate thing given the situation.

It was mere seconds before she heard the bright and upbeat voice through the phone.

"Hey Beca, what's up?"

"I want…no I need to talk to you, can I come over?"

"Of course," the red head quipped. She could never deny Beca anything.

Beca didn't run into Jesse on her way out of the room, she didn't see him in the hallways, or outside in the parking lot of the building. Beca really had no idea where he was, but she would have to wait until later to find out. She was sure he would text her or call when he returned to his room and she wasn't there, or maybe he wouldn't. Beca wouldn't, not if she was him.

Another embrace, that's what Beca received when she arrived at Chloe's apartment. It was funny, how good someone else's embrace could make you feel, even when you were at your worst.

"What's up short stuff? What'd you have to do last night that was so important you'd cancel our fabulous plans?" Chloe teased.

Reading Beca, that was one thing Chloe wasn't quite as good at as Jesse. She apparently couldn't tell how off Beca was, not immediately anyway.

"I'm pregnant," Beca blurted out. The words Jesse could barely coax out of her yesterday just spilled right out, in the door way to Chloe's apartment.

"Sorry," Beca added, "I didn't mean to just blurt that out."

"Umm, I don't really know what to say. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling first?"

Chloe picked her jaw up off the floor, closed the door to the apartment and led Beca to the couch. Once the brunette was sitting she went to the kitchen to fetch two glasses of water.

"Awful," was Beca's one word description for her current feelings, and it couldn't be more accurate.

Chloe wasn't the type of person to just say something dumb, just to move the conversation along. So they just sat for a few moments.

"Have you talked to Jesse yet?" she asked, speaking up suddenly.

"Unfortunately," Beca responded. Ever since last night she wished she hadn't talked to Jesse. Of course she had to tell him, of course she did, but perhaps getting someone else's advice first would have helped. Maybe she wouldn't have left Jesse so utterly crushed; maybe the conversation could have gone smoother with some friendly advice in her head.

"He didn't take it well?" Chloe said, a little surprise evident in her voice.

"No, he did," Beca started, "he offered to marry me. Said we could get help and both stay in school and raise the baby. He told me he'd always be there for me."

Chloe could obviously sense the but, and stayed silent.

"I don't love him though, and…I told him that."

Chloe again looked shocked. She figured that if Beca stayed with him this long she must have some sort of feelings for the guy.

"I don't love him, and I don't want to have a kid. Not this young, maybe not ever."

"How did he take that?" was all the red head could think to say.

"He's Jesse, he was crushed but he still offered to be there for me, whatever I wanted to do."

At this point Chloe gathered what it was Beca wanted to do and offered her a sympathetic smile. This wasn't exactly the light and fluffy fare she normally enjoyed discussing with Beca, not even close. Still though, Chloe knew what it was like to feel mixed emotions. She felt them every day, emotions for the girl who was already attached to a guy who was nice, attractive and treated her well. She felt them, even when she wished she didn't, when she wished her life could just be easy. Easy like it was with Tom, who she had to break up with because like Beca, she didn't love him. Unlike Beca though, she had the courtesy not to lead him on. She broke up with him over a year ago, he had long since moved on.

"Beca," she started tentatively, "why are you here?" She didn't mean it in the, I don't want you here way, she was just genuinely curious.

"You're my best friend," Beca said truthfully, but that was only a half truth.

"You're mine too, but shouldn't you finish working everything out working everything out with Jesse?"

It was probably true, she really shouldn't have run out on Jesse, even if he did leave her alone in the room. Their issues didn't disappear; they weren't just over just because Beca wanted them to be. She really should call him, or go back and see him. There was no need for her to make a complicated situation even messier. Still though, this is where Beca wanted to be, with Chloe.

"Yeah, I guess I should."

Chloe could sense the but again.

"I love you," Beca said it without thinking.

Chloe smiled, even though she felt like she shouldn't, she couldn't help it.

Chloe took Beca's hand in her own, "I love you too."

As much as Beca wanted to lean in and kiss her, she didn't, and Chloe didn't either. They just sat, on the couch, for a few minutes longer. They sat for a few moments, peaceful, quiet moments. Moments that were uncomplicated, moments before the moments that would be hard, the moments that meant Beca had to leave, had to deal with reality. These were the best moments Beca had in a long time, and it sucked to know they would very soon come to an end.

"I have to go," Beca said, tears in her eyes. She hadn't know she'd been crying, but apparently she was.

"I know."

Beca stood in front of Jesse's door, just stood. It was only when she heard crying that she interrupted with a knock.

"Come in," the voice sniffed.

"Jesse," Beca whispered. He was sitting on the floor, tears in his blood shot eyes. She put her arms around him. "Jesse, Jesse, I'm so sorry. Its going to be okay. I'm sorry." She rubbed his back, the way he did for her yesterday. Even if she didn't love him, she cared for him. She cared for him and she hated to see him like this. Beca kissed him on the lips. "Its going to be okay." Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't, but it was what he needed to hear right now. She sat down next to him, and they just sat, again. There was something comforting about silence.

After what seemed like hours Jesse spoke, "Beca, is it Chloe?"

His words shocked her. She expected him to ask about them, about the baby, about anything except Chloe. Jesse could read Beca though, he knew her.

"I've seen the way you look at her you know, the way she looks at you. I'm not a complete fool."

"You're not a fool at all," Beca piped up, "I'm the fool. You're sweet, and kind. You're attractive and you you know how to treat a girl well. You're a good boyfriend, a great boyfriend really. Its just…"

"You love her."

"I love her."

Getting it out there, actually saying it, actually telling him the truth, it was like a weight off her shoulders. A weight she had been longing to dump for months, a weight she couldn't bear to lift off herself.

"I was at a clinic earlier by the way. That's why I wasn't here when you got up. I went to get you some pamphlets, some information," Jesse handed her the literature. It only made her feel worse, the way he continued to treat her so well but she hadn't extended him the same courtesy.

"Thanks. I'll go tomorrow if possible," she didn't know what else to say.

"I'll take you," he started, not giving in to the look in Beca's eye that pleaded for him to let her do it alone.

Beca knew it was no use protesting, if he wanted to be there for her he was going to be.

"Beca you may not love me, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. I understand why you can't do this, why you don't want to, and I'm sorry I got you into this mess. I'm sorry we have to do this, but I'm not just going to leave you alone, no matter how much it hurts. I'll take you."

And he did.

There was something about their hug in the doorway of Beca's dorm that Beca knew was final. There was no way they could still see each other after this. Still talk every day like they used to. There was no way they could still be friends, even if Jesse would be a great friend to Beca. At least not right now, not with everything so fresh in their minds. Not while she was still causing him so much pain. A goodbye hug, an I'm sorry hug, a hug that said so much, their final hug.

Beca lay on her bed. She was thankful Kimmy Jin was gone. She really didn't need to deal with her dirty looks, not today. For months Beca imagined her break up with Jesse, it was a terrible thing to imagine she knew it, but it was all she could think about, how to let him down easy. What a joke. There was nothing about this that was easy. Never in her worst nightmares did she imagine her relationship with Jesse ending like this. She couldn't even feel the relief that it was finally over, all she could feel was the crushing emotions about how it ended. All the emotions about their last day together was probably all she'd ever remembered. They were so much stronger than any of the other things she'd ever felt with regards to Jesse, and it was sad almost. This was not how she wanted to remember her cute, sweet, funny, kind college boyfriend who treated her so well. This was not how she should remember Jesse. The heart wants what it wants though, and her heart was feeling all of this because what she wanted wasn't Jesse.

It was a few hours later when Beca heard a knock at the door. It wasn't locked; she hadn't thought to when she Jesse left, she had just collapsed onto the bed.

Chloe just stood in the door way and stared for a few minutes. Stared at the girl she loved, curled up in bed, so broken. It hurt her heart to see the girl like that, she wanted nothing more than to make her feel better.

Chloe climbed into the bed next to Beca. She wrapped her arms around her and squeezed tight. She stroked her chocolate brown hair and placed a kiss on the side of her head. Now was not the time for words. All Beca needed was for her to bed there, for her to hold her and Chloe could do that. Chloe wanted to do that.