Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine. And "Stay Away" is by L'arc en
Ciel.
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 6 - Understanding. [final]
I stared at Muraki as he was engulfed by the darkness.
"You can't." I mumbled.
I can't believe my hand is reaching out for him. After what he had done to me right now and I had let him.
I watched you kiss me.
Grab.
Muraki did not turn around as he warned, "Let go of me, Tsuzuki."
He's. He's the same as me in some way. I can feel it.
"Look at us. You have become someone inhuman. And I want to become human." I laughed at our faults. "Isn't that funny, Muraki? Isn't it as twisted sick as your mind?"
I then turned him around and grabbed his collar as he let me pound his back upon a wall in the alleyway. "You think you can pick who lives and who dies? Even if that child's parents were first cousins!"
"He would have to live with a stain all his life that wasn't made by him," he answered with his eyes like slits.
"But who are you to kill him?!" I shouted as my hands trembled. I then shook my head. "You don't know.you don't know anything."
"You know why I let you have your way with me?" I asked loudly.
I wanted to find this answer myself.
"I wanted to know if you really cared for anything."
He just looked at me unmoved.
"And you do." I clenched his jacket until my fingers bled from pressing my fingernails into my skin. "You pushed me away because you were scared that I would know."
Silence.
"This.this is how you kiss someone." I pulled his hair and kissed him on the mouth with full force and just as passionately as I had with Hisoka but not as lovingly.
He stared at me alarmed. "Tsuzuki."
Even he can be surprised. He must really-
"Wakatta," he said as I let him go. "You win for today, Tsuzuki."
He then walked off once more as I stood there watching him.
I don't know why I did that. But I knew that only we understood what that meant. Something beyond words. It wasn't love or obsession.
I thought I would kiss someone who was just a shell. But I was just as surprised to find that his cold body held warm lips.
He.had hope yet.
I then left even more distressed than ever and walked home quickly.
I wanted to lie in my bed for a while. I didn't even feel like eating.
Then, I saw something on the ground and picked it up. It was a green jade piece. "Hisoka. It's like his eyes."
Hisoka. I didn't mean to betray you.
You always try so hard to make me happy and I try to do the same. But I feel like I just cause you more pain. The more we get close, I try to push you away.
You even let me touch you and caress your body while I was trying to find an answer to why you cared so much for me.
It was then that I realized how far you would let me go.
You would let me do anything. Except die.
And I looked away in shame as I dressed back up while you continued to sit on the desk after putting on your clothes. You stared at me with such sad eyes and I couldn't take it.
"Causes stain.stay away," I had sung softly as I dressed.
"You shouldn't care so much for me," I mumbled to him after I had finished.
"I can't help it," he answered. "You cared about me. Even though you didn't know me, you came to rescue me from Muraki. I never forgot that."
He held my hand with both of his. "I'm just telling you that you can come to me too."
My eyes closed painfully. He let go and I left the room.
"Maybe happy. Maybe happy. I dare say I'm happy," I sang softly with a heavy heart.
I was running away from him. It's because I love you, Hisoka.
I'll hurt you too if you stay with me.
Just like with the children a long time ago. They said I was a blemish to the community. And I wondered why. I always thought about that while I was trying to get away.
Doki doki doki.
I slit my wrists, but my body wouldn't let me die.
And still, I wandered around Japan with no purpose. I was angered and disappointed with the fact of why I had to live if no one wanted me at all.
Then. I met Tatsumi.
Someone had died before I could save them. They were burned to ashes even though they were calling out to me.
It was all my fault. I didn't get there in time.
I tried to slit my wrists again and I went insane. I laughed so much to take the pain away from me. "Please kill me," I had prayed. "No more. I don't want this anymore."
In that abandoned warehouse, I was smiling at the reality of it all.
And I wanted to end it. To even try to see if my perfect body would at last be mortal.
It is a burden to live. There are happy moments, but when you know you have the possibility of living forever, what's the point?
"Tsuzuki!!! TSUZUKI!!!!!!!!" I had never heard Tsuzuki scream so loud in his whole life as I saw him run towards me in the flames with his hands out to me. I was fading to unconsciousness as my eyes closed and he was coming closer and closer.
"We have to break up," he said shortly after this incident.
And I hated him for it. He pushed me away when I finally started to show some affection and wanted to trust someone.
But I can't help but love him. He saved my life.
"Do you think I did the right thing?" he had asked me once after Hisoka had saved me from Suzaku's flames.
It was then that my annoyance and pain vanished. I realized how much he had cared all long. We were the same. We pushed people that cared for us away.
I looked up to the moon. "Please.someone tell me what to do."
Where did I come from? And where am I going?
A shinigami is a death angel. A human is someone with a compassionate heart and understands humanity in general.
I am neither. And yet I am torn by both.
I don't know what I want though. I'm always going to wander around not knowing what to do. I don't understand myself, what I am, and what I'll become if I keep this up.
The more things I find, the more lost I become.
But I want to continue to understand. And I want someone to understand me.
To truly accept me without me being scared to let them know who and what I really am.
It was then that I looked at the green jade in my hand. All I have is hope.
I turned around to find Hisoka in back of me. We stared at each other in surprise.
"Hisoka." I smiled wistfully. I then grabbed him and embraced him. "I'm sorry I ran away again."
Plop. His brown grocery bag fell to the floor.
"It's all right. You know I understand." He hugged me back and I could feel him smiling with his monotonous tone. "You know I am going to get you back."
My eyes closed as I placed my head on his shoulder. For the first time in my life, I feel like something has been lifted from me.
My guilt for being what and who I am is starting to melt and fade away.
"I will hurt you if you stay with me, Hisoka." I said almost unable to say my words.
In endearment, he answered firmly, "I don't care."
End.
--
Author's final notes: Okay, so that was REALLY ooc. But I thought it was very thought provoking so that's why I made this chapter. And it was sweet in some sadistic way.
I guess this is really a personal achievement. Eight fics in two days!!! I'm so happy! _And_ I've finished this fic within a day and a half. ^_^v
I would have started with Hisoka, but then I thought that Tsuzuki is the thread that weaves everything together, so I thought it would better to focus there. Yes, there is nothing really resolved, but I did that on purpose. I myself am troubled if I want Tsuzuki with Tatsumi or with Hisoka. I love both and would be happy if either got him. But as one reader said, "But I hate triangles!" Yes, they do make someone sad, but that's life. * sighs * What can we do? I named the chapters after a prayer that I say every night. "Faith, hope, charity, love and understanding." I thought this would be a nice feel since they are shinigami. The Angels of death tortured. And I picked certain people for specific chapters. But I loved the feel of how they all went together. Plus, I wanted it as 6 for evilness, yet imperfection. Yeah, I know. I think too much. And Akane, I couldn't find your e-mail so I wanted to personally thank you. I was happy when you said I inspired you to make fanart. ^_~ And thanks to you K-chan for pointing out my error! ^_^v
Again, I love love love Hisoka!!!!! His green eyes drive me nuts just like Subaru's!!!!
Thank you for reading! Love, yui
8/3/02
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 6 - Understanding. [final]
I stared at Muraki as he was engulfed by the darkness.
"You can't." I mumbled.
I can't believe my hand is reaching out for him. After what he had done to me right now and I had let him.
I watched you kiss me.
Grab.
Muraki did not turn around as he warned, "Let go of me, Tsuzuki."
He's. He's the same as me in some way. I can feel it.
"Look at us. You have become someone inhuman. And I want to become human." I laughed at our faults. "Isn't that funny, Muraki? Isn't it as twisted sick as your mind?"
I then turned him around and grabbed his collar as he let me pound his back upon a wall in the alleyway. "You think you can pick who lives and who dies? Even if that child's parents were first cousins!"
"He would have to live with a stain all his life that wasn't made by him," he answered with his eyes like slits.
"But who are you to kill him?!" I shouted as my hands trembled. I then shook my head. "You don't know.you don't know anything."
"You know why I let you have your way with me?" I asked loudly.
I wanted to find this answer myself.
"I wanted to know if you really cared for anything."
He just looked at me unmoved.
"And you do." I clenched his jacket until my fingers bled from pressing my fingernails into my skin. "You pushed me away because you were scared that I would know."
Silence.
"This.this is how you kiss someone." I pulled his hair and kissed him on the mouth with full force and just as passionately as I had with Hisoka but not as lovingly.
He stared at me alarmed. "Tsuzuki."
Even he can be surprised. He must really-
"Wakatta," he said as I let him go. "You win for today, Tsuzuki."
He then walked off once more as I stood there watching him.
I don't know why I did that. But I knew that only we understood what that meant. Something beyond words. It wasn't love or obsession.
I thought I would kiss someone who was just a shell. But I was just as surprised to find that his cold body held warm lips.
He.had hope yet.
I then left even more distressed than ever and walked home quickly.
I wanted to lie in my bed for a while. I didn't even feel like eating.
Then, I saw something on the ground and picked it up. It was a green jade piece. "Hisoka. It's like his eyes."
Hisoka. I didn't mean to betray you.
You always try so hard to make me happy and I try to do the same. But I feel like I just cause you more pain. The more we get close, I try to push you away.
You even let me touch you and caress your body while I was trying to find an answer to why you cared so much for me.
It was then that I realized how far you would let me go.
You would let me do anything. Except die.
And I looked away in shame as I dressed back up while you continued to sit on the desk after putting on your clothes. You stared at me with such sad eyes and I couldn't take it.
"Causes stain.stay away," I had sung softly as I dressed.
"You shouldn't care so much for me," I mumbled to him after I had finished.
"I can't help it," he answered. "You cared about me. Even though you didn't know me, you came to rescue me from Muraki. I never forgot that."
He held my hand with both of his. "I'm just telling you that you can come to me too."
My eyes closed painfully. He let go and I left the room.
"Maybe happy. Maybe happy. I dare say I'm happy," I sang softly with a heavy heart.
I was running away from him. It's because I love you, Hisoka.
I'll hurt you too if you stay with me.
Just like with the children a long time ago. They said I was a blemish to the community. And I wondered why. I always thought about that while I was trying to get away.
Doki doki doki.
I slit my wrists, but my body wouldn't let me die.
And still, I wandered around Japan with no purpose. I was angered and disappointed with the fact of why I had to live if no one wanted me at all.
Then. I met Tatsumi.
Someone had died before I could save them. They were burned to ashes even though they were calling out to me.
It was all my fault. I didn't get there in time.
I tried to slit my wrists again and I went insane. I laughed so much to take the pain away from me. "Please kill me," I had prayed. "No more. I don't want this anymore."
In that abandoned warehouse, I was smiling at the reality of it all.
And I wanted to end it. To even try to see if my perfect body would at last be mortal.
It is a burden to live. There are happy moments, but when you know you have the possibility of living forever, what's the point?
"Tsuzuki!!! TSUZUKI!!!!!!!!" I had never heard Tsuzuki scream so loud in his whole life as I saw him run towards me in the flames with his hands out to me. I was fading to unconsciousness as my eyes closed and he was coming closer and closer.
"We have to break up," he said shortly after this incident.
And I hated him for it. He pushed me away when I finally started to show some affection and wanted to trust someone.
But I can't help but love him. He saved my life.
"Do you think I did the right thing?" he had asked me once after Hisoka had saved me from Suzaku's flames.
It was then that my annoyance and pain vanished. I realized how much he had cared all long. We were the same. We pushed people that cared for us away.
I looked up to the moon. "Please.someone tell me what to do."
Where did I come from? And where am I going?
A shinigami is a death angel. A human is someone with a compassionate heart and understands humanity in general.
I am neither. And yet I am torn by both.
I don't know what I want though. I'm always going to wander around not knowing what to do. I don't understand myself, what I am, and what I'll become if I keep this up.
The more things I find, the more lost I become.
But I want to continue to understand. And I want someone to understand me.
To truly accept me without me being scared to let them know who and what I really am.
It was then that I looked at the green jade in my hand. All I have is hope.
I turned around to find Hisoka in back of me. We stared at each other in surprise.
"Hisoka." I smiled wistfully. I then grabbed him and embraced him. "I'm sorry I ran away again."
Plop. His brown grocery bag fell to the floor.
"It's all right. You know I understand." He hugged me back and I could feel him smiling with his monotonous tone. "You know I am going to get you back."
My eyes closed as I placed my head on his shoulder. For the first time in my life, I feel like something has been lifted from me.
My guilt for being what and who I am is starting to melt and fade away.
"I will hurt you if you stay with me, Hisoka." I said almost unable to say my words.
In endearment, he answered firmly, "I don't care."
End.
--
Author's final notes: Okay, so that was REALLY ooc. But I thought it was very thought provoking so that's why I made this chapter. And it was sweet in some sadistic way.
I guess this is really a personal achievement. Eight fics in two days!!! I'm so happy! _And_ I've finished this fic within a day and a half. ^_^v
I would have started with Hisoka, but then I thought that Tsuzuki is the thread that weaves everything together, so I thought it would better to focus there. Yes, there is nothing really resolved, but I did that on purpose. I myself am troubled if I want Tsuzuki with Tatsumi or with Hisoka. I love both and would be happy if either got him. But as one reader said, "But I hate triangles!" Yes, they do make someone sad, but that's life. * sighs * What can we do? I named the chapters after a prayer that I say every night. "Faith, hope, charity, love and understanding." I thought this would be a nice feel since they are shinigami. The Angels of death tortured. And I picked certain people for specific chapters. But I loved the feel of how they all went together. Plus, I wanted it as 6 for evilness, yet imperfection. Yeah, I know. I think too much. And Akane, I couldn't find your e-mail so I wanted to personally thank you. I was happy when you said I inspired you to make fanart. ^_~ And thanks to you K-chan for pointing out my error! ^_^v
Again, I love love love Hisoka!!!!! His green eyes drive me nuts just like Subaru's!!!!
Thank you for reading! Love, yui
8/3/02