I don't own the hobbit

The first time it happens, Bilbo is concerned.

It has been nine months since the victory at the battle of the five armies, and the first time the pair made love. He and Thorin had been curled up in one another's embrace; Thorin's head resting upon his chest when seemingly out of the blue, Thorin sprung from their bed and moments later had his head down the toilet, throwing up what sounded like everything the dwarf king had ever eaten.

"Are you okay my love?" Bilbo asks from the doorway, a thick fur wrapped around his waist to protect from cool morning air.

When his only response was the king bringing up yet more food, the hobbit rushes to his side, and places a cool hand on a forehead that is nearly too hot to touch.

"You're burning up, come, we had best get you to Ori." The worried hobbit mutters, stroking the raven hair ghosted with grey upon his lovers head, tugging loose the furs that cover his modesty to drape across a shivering Thorin. Dwarves rarely fall prey to sickness, but when they do, it's serious.

"No. I'm fine, it is just something I have eaten, go back to bed my love." Thorin grits out as another wave of nausea hits him and the muscles of his stomach contract as he brings up what is now just bile.

Bilbo raises a disbelieving eyebrow, but decides not to argue, he doesn't want to upset Thorin when he's sick.

"Fine, but if it continues, I'm carrying you to Ori myself." Bilbo threatens, and apparently, he's said the right thing, because Thorin laughs and shakes his head, leaning back against the cool walls of the bathroom.

Bilbo helps his king to bed, and wraps him tightly in the multitude of blankets covering the comfortable piece of furniture, placing a kiss upon his lover's brow before sliding in behind him and wrapping a protective arm across his mid-section. And the two drift off into the realm of sleep again.

After a week, Thorin is still no better, and if Bilbo's honest, his king is starting to get somewhat erratic and emotional. Just the day before, he'd been sobbing as he held his 'precious baby nephews' to his chest, waxing lyrical about how grown up they were.

The brothers were suitably traumatised by the time Bilbo came rushing in after frantically searching the lower halls for his beloved.

"Auntie Bilbo!" The two chorused, looking mildly panicked as their uncle bursts into a fresh wave of tears.

Bilbo is so concerned that he doesn't bother to scowl at his 'nephews', who have taken to calling him 'auntie' under the assumption that if Thorin is their uncle, then Bilbo is their aunt! Neither of them is aware of course, that the little burglar is surprisingly dominant in the bedroom, and that he often reduces their uncle to a shivering, lusting ball of dwarf. No need to scar them permanently after all.

"A little help, would uh, be appreciated?" Fili asked, because he felt that telling the hobbit to get his uncle who has apparently gone insane off of them seems a little harsh. Even if it is true.

As Bilbo rocked his hysterical king, Fili vaguely wondered if perhaps it is Thorin who they should be calling auntie; because he's acting the same way his mother did when she was pregnant with Kili. As Bilbo led their uncle out, Fili voiced his concerns to Kili who laughed and reassured him that Thorin is no more pregnant than Fili himself is.

After much arguing, and more than a few tears, it is decided that they will send for Balin who, whilst not as well versed in healing as Ori, apparently has a wealth of experience in whatever it is that ails Thorin. Even though the dwarf king stays stubbornly tight lipped about what he thinks is wrong.

When a harried looking Balin arrives after receiving a missive from a somewhat flustered dwarf, Thorin bursts into tears, and Balin appears by his old friends' side, instantly knowing what's wrong.

"Oh laddie, you've not been taking your tea, have you?" The dwarf asks, shaking his head.

"No, I, I forgot, I've been so busy with e..everything and oh Aulë what if he hates me Balin?" the hysterical dwarf chokes out between sobs and Bilbo is more than a little confused as he looks towards Balin who gives a long suffering sigh.

"What's wrong with my husband Balin? Is it serious?!" The hobbit demands, calling upon all his Baggins' sternness to fix the chuckling dwarf with a level stare.

"No laddie, give it about sixth months and yer husband'll be right as rain" Balin replies, and when he receives a blank look from the –apparently dim- hobbit Balin takes pity and spells it out. "You're going to be a father. Thorin here's pregnant."

"Pregnant? As in, pregnant, pregnant? Like, with child?" Bilbo asks motioning to his stomach and looking pale enough he'd easily be mistaken for a ghost.

"Yes, I am with child Bilbo." Thorin replies, his face contorted in worry.

"Oh my…"

"You alright lad?" Balin enquires, seeing the hobbit sway uncertainly.

"Just… Just give me a minute." Is the somewhat disjointed response, before in a perfect replay of his reading of the contract in Bag End, Bilbo looks at the pair and simply says "nope."

Before falling to the floor in a dead faint, still in his night clothes.

When the hobbit comes round, he's been placed on the bed next to a fussing Thorin, who apparently has yet to stop crying.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean, oh Bilbo I'm so sorry, you must hate me" Thorin wails as soon as he sees his husband's eyes open.

"What?" Bilbo asks, somewhat disorientated.

"I'll be leaving you two to discuss this amongst yourselves; I'll bring a few books on dwarfish pregnancies by later." Balin mutters, before high-tailing it out of there.

"The baby, you must hate me. We've never even discussed, oh I'm so sorry my love, so incredibly sorry." Thorin's breathing has become somewhat erratic and Bilbo pulls the hormonally charged dwarf to his side, shushing him softly.

"I could never hate you, you are my world Thorin Oakenshield, and this baby will be loved." Bilbo mutters, grasping Thorin's chin lightly so that he can see the sincerity in his eyes. "I cannot wait to see you round and glowing with the product of our love"

"Honestly? You're not just saying that to the fat, pregnant dwarf so you don't offend me?" Thorin asks, poking at a stomach that is still taut with sinewy muscle.

"One, you are not fat. Two, I've always wanted to be a father." Bilbo reassures and the smile that lights up Thorin's face is the most beautiful expression the hobbit has ever seen and the little whine Thorin makes when Bilbo kisses him is most definitely the most erotic thing the hobbit has ever heard. Neither of them remain clothed for very long.

Once the dwarf king is calm, the true force of the last hour hit Bilbo like a rampaging warg and he starts giggling, and before long he is near hysteric with laughter and a worried Thorin is fussing like a mother hen –or dwarf really, given the circumstances-.

"I'm going to be a daddy. Thorin, I'm going to be a daddy. We're parents Thorin." The rambling continues on for a good while, and Thorin is somewhat concerned he'll have to call for the vapours if this continues much longer. Thankfully, the hobbits hysteria passes shortly after, and then he wants to know the mechanics, because by all logic, males should not be able to fall pregnant.

"Within Erebor at this moment in time, there are around three thousand dwarves, with more arriving almost daily. Tell me, how many women have you seen?" Thorin asks, and even though Bilbo has no idea how this pertains to how exactly Thorin is pregnant but he answers anyway.

"Uh, not that many, I think besides Glóin's wife and a few of the archive workers I've not really seen any"

"Aye, that's because a female dwarf is incredibly rare, there are only about five hundred female dwarves living within our mountain, and for every fifty babes born, only about 6 are female. Somewhere along the line, our men developed the ability to bring children into the world, for if they had not, our race would have died out many years ago" Thorin explains, and Bilbo is truly shocked by just how few female dwarves their actually are, he knew they were rare, but not so rare that they could not maintain the dwarven population. He voices this and receives a laugh in response.

After what feels like an age of gentle caresses and kisses, the soon to be parents arise from their marital bed and get ready for the day ahead.

"We're going to have to tell everyone." Bilbo comments as he pulls on his breeches

"Aye, we'll tell our friends first. Balin is gathering everyone in the great hall at midday, though he said he had a surprise waiting for us." Thorin admits, looking mildly perplexed as to what the surprise could be.

By the time the pair reaches the hall, everyone is already congregated, and looking expectantly around the cavernous expanse; except for Balin who's smirking slightly. They're all gathered in a tight ring, and Bilbo swears he can see something or someone in the middle of them.

Taking his position in front of the throne, "Bilbo and I have an announcement to make" Thorin begins, looking nervously at Bilbo who grabs his hand in support "I'm pregnant"

The reaction is somewhat unexpected, Kili and Dwalin faint whilst the rest of the company cheer, and a distinctly feminine voice yells

"YOU WHAT?!"

Thorin's eyes bulge and suddenly he's near flying down the stairs and an incredibly beautiful dwarf woman is meeting him halfway, and they fall into one anothers arms, and for one second, Bilbo is jealous. But then he looks closer, and sees the resemblance between his husband and the woman, and realises that she must be Dís, the mother of Kili and Fili.

The rest of the company approach him –including a roused Kili and Dwalin- patting him on the back and cheering their congratulations, allowing the siblings a moment of privacy.

"Well, looks like we won't be calling you auntie Bilbo any longer!" Kili grins, and the company laugh at the dwarf with a tendency to state the obvious.

Once the commotion has died down somewhat, and Thorin is no longer crying. Introductions are made.

"Love, I want you to meet my sister, the Lady Dís, mother of Fili and Kili, princess under the mountain." Thorin smiles, motioning to his sister who's scowling disapprovingly at the hobbit.

"A pleasure to meet you lady" Bilbo greets, bowing his head in greeting.

"Yes, charmed I am sure. Now, how DARE you get my brother PREGNANT?! Are you really that foolish and allowing him to continue on with his kingly duties, of all the insensitive bull headedness!" Dís rages, and the male Durin's and Balin wince in sympathy, the dwarf is a fearsome foe when angered.

"I'm sorry? In all fairness, I was not aware that male dwarves could conceive until this morning" Bilbo tries to defend himself, which unfortunately seems to add fuel to the fire.

"So you're ignorant too! Do you know nothing of our culture, honestly, trying to defend yourself with ignorance you stupid hobbit." Dís apparently has the lung capacity of a giant because she turns slightly to Thorin and continues her rant "And YOU! How could you forget your tea of all the stupid bloody things…"

"That is enough!" Bilbo orders sharply, cutting off the ranting female, much to the horror of her sons and brother "Insult me all you like, but you will not speak to my husband in such a way. He was worried enough telling me, without you preaching at him!"

The hall is painfully silent and for one terrifying moment, Dís looks ready to throttle the hobbit.

"Nicely done lad, welcome to the family." She smiles, and the group let out a collective breath. Grateful that they won't be cleaning hobbit blood out of the grouting on the floor.