Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of the characters.

Ch.1 Nothing

It's seven in the morning. He squints, trying to avoid first rays of sun that are glancing off the shiny windows of the opposite establishments, hitting his pupils and temporarily making him blind.

Light Yagami sits on a kitchen stool, stirring hot coffee in his mug. He didn't sleep last night, and now when the early hours of the morning are here, he looks completely fatigued. His eyes are bloodshot and there are dark circles under them which make him look sick. He takes a sip of his coffee, trying to shake off that vexing weariness and prepare himself for another day of a hard work.

There is a strong, pungent aroma dangling in the air. He closes his eyes and inhales it deeply. Midst all-consuming scent of the expensive coffee he can distinguish faint touch of other odors: a smell of the hot oil still steaming and sizzling in pan, the savory scent of fresh toasts which Misa so kindly made for him, and a faint touch of the morning ozone air coming from the barely ajar kitchen window. It was raining heavily the night before, but now sun is shining brightly, making the puddles on the smooth, clean streets evaporate and fill the atmosphere with humid soft scent.

Light opens his eyes, aimlessly taking in his surroundings. Tiles on the kitchen walls are white and sparkling, his coffee is black and rich - some African grade if he remembers correctly. Slowly, he turns his eyes at Misa who sits right in front of him, peacefully sighing and looking out of the window, holding a teacup in her hands. The sunbeams are dancing on her fair hair, making them shine with myriads of colors, just like some diamond would reflect the light. She returns his gaze with a timid smile on her lips, and Light continues to stare right through his lover.

Everything seems to be fine. Yes, fine. He has his own apartment which is quite spacious and modern, just like he imagined it to be a few years ago. Misa may be annoying and skittish, but she's there for him, making him breakfast every morning, snuggling close to him those rare nights when he feels it's appropriate to sleep with her instead of pulling the all-nighters, pretending to be working on Kira case. These nights in the headquarters have become some sort of a habit for him – when clock shows 9 PM, he announces the end of the working day to the members of the task force, but neither of them leave until time hits 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning. In fact, when everyone is gone Light stays working in that spacious room. He explains his far too intense working pattern with his need to catch Kira and bring him to justice, but his words are plain bullshit. Those precious hours at night are his only chance to be left alone, not bothered with Misa's chatting and romping. That's the only thing Light doesn't very much like in his life now – Misa's obsession with him. Nothing else bothers him. Nothing gets on his nerves. Frankly, life goes on good. And will be getting even better when he's achieved his ultimate goal.

Yes. Everything's good. Nothing to be worried about.

"Raito..." Misa's voice breaches through his musings and Light focuses his gaze on her. She looks at him with mild concern, and then shakes her pretty head and smiles. "I've been thinking about going to Maldives on holiday. My manager says I can have two weeks off in July, so what do you think? Surely, you can postpone your work for our time alone? It's been a while since we last relaxed and had some fun, so I figured that our relationship just needs this trip! Just imagine, there would be only two of us, a beautiful ocean, the sky and the falling stars... Misa knows what her wish would be if she sees a star falling from the sky."

Misa looks at him expectantly, her eyes clouded with sweet dreams of her and her dearly beloved having a romantic night. She keeps on droning nonsense and Light gazes at her, barely containing the urge to make his disgust and disdain for her words be seen on his face. He normally doesn't get livid with all of Misa's sappiness but sometimes she pushes it to the limit. Maybe she's become too confident in her knowledge of having a certain power over Light. He can't get rid of her, he needs her eyes and has to keep her in his sway to make sure she won't make any mistake. Light knows it but nonetheless wants to slap her, wants to cover his ears or put a gag into her babbling mouth.

"It's not possible," he states simply, interrupting his girlfriend's stream of words. "And you know why."

She seems to be upset, but nods quietly anyway and doesn't say a word for the rest of the breakfast. When Light decides he's done, he stands up and heads for the door. He pauses then, his fingers wrapped around a door knob while he quietly instructs:

"The task force is due here in twenty minutes. Make sure you're not interrupting the work process and doing what I told you to do. Clear?"

He waits for an answer and when none comes he turns his head slightly so he can see Misa. She sits in exact same position as before and nods her head. The tea in her cup is long since cold and her breakfast lays untouched on a plate. Light exhales quietly and when he's about to leave the kitchen Misa stops him with her words.

"Why did you start smoking?"

He freezes for a moment but answers, his back still turned to her.

"I don't."

Light leaves then, not willing to stay a second more. Misa watches him go and shut the door behind his back, leaving the young woman alone in the clean kitchen which still smells like it should in normal families – coffee, freshly baked bread and Light's shaving foam.

He may lie, but she certainly witnessed Light smoking a cigarette on a balcony last night when he said he should spend the night working. For some reason this little lie makes Misa sad.

Birds are twittering outside, cars are passing by, puddles slowly fade from the streets and pavements, city greets a new day and everything's good. But still there's a small pain in Misa's heart and somehow she knows it's not because Light lies to her. It's because Light's sad. And it makes Misa want to do something, anything to comfort him, but there's nothing she can do. She hates this feeling of helplessness, and wishes they could really be a normal couple, not bothered with saving society from crime. But Light wants to rid the world of evil, and maybe that's why he's still not happy, maybe that's why the smile on his face is so insincere. And if the pure world is what can make him flash a real smile again, so be it.

Misa stands up and heads to her room, quietly closing the door behind her. She pulls the death note out of its hiding place and sets to work. Maybe then Light will smile lovingly at her again.

The room is filled with soft persisting hum of dozen computers. He hears a quiet rustle of papers in the folders; someone must be looking over the old data he was able to restore. He lets a noiseless sigh pass through his lips and glances at his wristwatch. It's only four o'clock in the evening. The time passes incredibly slowly. His eyes seem to be dead upon closing, and his brain shuts down every once in a while. Light thinks he should have another mug of coffee or at least make a break.

There are hundreds of words and numbers in front of his eyes, all typed in a bold black font which makes the contrast with the plain white background of his monitor unbearable. He reads the same line over and over, stubbornly trying to get the context of it though his mind seems to drift off every four seconds, not letting him succeed in his task. He feels exasperated and coldly peers into his monitor. Light thinks of the boredom he's so deeply submerged in. He didn't think this work would turn out being this vexing, but he needs to be here, he must control the only force left that's still trying to oppose Kira. Quite foolish of them. Though he might try to make them change their minds and even lure them on Kira's side, but he will do it later. Not now. Not so soon.

Light fidgets in his chair and lets out a soft sigh.

"I'd like to make a small break," he announces to his co-workers and immediately feels their eyes on him. "Don't worry, I won't be gone for long."

No one say a word to him, they just nod their heads, mumble affirmatively, and go back to their work. He smiles at them and walks out of the room.

Once he's gone everyone in the task force seems to share one common feeling – compassion. Aizawa shakes his head, clearly annoyed at something, Soichiro sighs and closes his eyes for a moment before setting back to his work with a determinant look on his face. Half an hour passes like this. Nothing breaks the silence established in the HQ except for the clacking of keyboards or occasional coughs. Touta Matsuda looks around, he peers into the faces of his colleagues and then stands up.

"Um... It's already been more than thirty minutes since Raito-kun's gone. He said his break won't take long, so may be... may be I should go and check if he's alright?"

"Leave him alone, Matsuda-san. Best we not know what takes him this long," Aizawa says sternly looking at the young policeman.

"But what if something happened to him? Raito-kun has been looking quite sick for the past week, I can't help but worry about him..." Matsuda sighs.

Light's father gazes thoughtfully towards Matsuda and suddenly the sharp features of his face soften.

"I noticed Raito's been down for a while. I would appreciate if he had someone around his age whom he could talk to."

Matsuda's eyes widen with surprise as he looks at the police ex-chief. He stutters while saying next words.

"You... You wouldn't mind if I talked to Raito-kun?"

"No," Soichiro smiles tiredly. "As I said, I would appreciate it greatly. But don't get your hopes up too much. You know how Raito is."

"I do. I will try my best." Matsuda smiles in return and eagerly walks to the front door.

At least another ten minutes pass during Matsuda's frantic search for Light. The delay is not his fault though. He was looking for the boy everywhere in the apartment and outside the building, going as far as storming into Misa's room and catching her changing clothes. That was rather awkward. His face turned glowing red and he immediately dashed out of her room, spilling excuses and asking Misa of Light's whereabouts through the safely closed door. Unfortunately she knew nothing and sounded rather worried upon knowing of Light's absence.

Matsuda feels upset. Such a simple task, - to find Light and talk to him, he can't cope even with such a simple task. He feels frustrated and walks to the balcony, sighing and looking down. His heart jumps delightedly in his chest upon seeing Light downstairs, standing at the porch alone. When did he get there? There was no one outside the building when Matsuda checked last time. But that's not much of importance right now, what important is that he's finally spotted Light.

He practically runs all the way down the stairs and stops only when he's five steps away from Light who's now looking at him curiously.

"Matsuda-san," Light says while peering at him, and then turns his gaze at the empty street. "I guess I've been here for too long, haven't I? I'm sorry they made you go and seek me out."

Matsuda still pants from his hasted running but shakes his head quite vigorously in protest to Light's words. But Light doesn't spare him a glance now, busy with a survey of the street in front of him. Young policeman glances there, too, curious to know what's there, that makes Light observe the street with such an intent. But there's really nothing that could worth such a level of attention. Cars rarely pass by, there is a little coffee shop across the street but it's closed and no people around are seen.

Matsuda looks at Light again and suddenly he feels uncomfortable. There is something about this boy, no, this man, that makes people feel uneasy in his presence. He can't figure out why he has such a feeling now, because when Light smiles or talks to him in a friendly manner, Matsuda feels alright. Appreciated even. But right now Light stands there, peering into nothingness. He seems too distant, too cold, and Matsuda finds himself asking why the hell he decided to talk to Light at the first place. As though he thought he could talk his way with the man.

When Light's alone like this, not being surrounded with his friends or colleagues, he seems different. And the sudden change of the atmosphere around this man makes Matsuda think of another man, whose presence roused the same awkwardness and suppressed fear inside of him. He's suddenly stricken with the familiarity of these feelings and starts fidgeting in apprehension. 'That's why Light's now in his place. Maybe that's why Light feels so distant. Darn, maybe that's a curse of a title? Who knows? You gain the power but as a price you lose everything that's in your heart?'

Matsuda wonders silently, still looking at Light as in a dream-state. Not for the first time he notices how actually good-looking Light is. 'Those shadows under his eyes are not so dark or large... yet. Could it be that with a title you don't just lose your heart but also get the horrible eye-bags in addition?'

Matsuda feels regretful towards Light. Truly regretful and sad as he continues to gaze at the man, thinking about how awfully Light wastes his youth, sitting in the HQ for days and nights, endangering his life...

Matsuda's suddenly pulled out of his dream-like state when he sees how the young man whom he's just been thinking about, lights up a cigarette. Light still doesn't look at him as though Matsuda's not even there. He takes a long puff and exhales some time later, letting the nicotine filled smoke travel right into his lungs and merge with his blood.

Light's not used to this feeling. Cigarette smoke tastes badly, it's bitter and hot, he can feel it burn his throat and dissolve in his lungs, leaving bruises on their surface. With each pull at his cigarette he feels more and more intoxicated. His head is now aching and spinning, bile rises up his throat. He finally looks at Matsuda with such weariness in his eyes that young policeman gulps and steps closer.

"Raito-kun... what are you doing?" Matsuda's voice trembles a bit, and he tries to look into Light's eyes again, but the younger man turns his face away.

"Nothing," the word falls from his lips as he takes another puff. "Nothing."

Matsuda wants to ask Light if he's been smoking all the time he spent at the porch, but sees his answer before he opens mouth - there is a small pile of cigarette butts in a nearby trash can.

Matsuda swallows nervously and turns his gaze from the floor up at Light again.

"When did you start smoking?"

"I don't." comes the answer and Matsuda freezes, stunned.

"Then what is it... that you are doing now, Raito-kun?"

Light takes the last puff at his cigarette, extinguishes it and pulls out another one from the pack. Matsuda notices that there are only two left in Light's packet.

"Nothing."

Matsuda frowns then. It's clear that Light doesn't want a company now, but it is much clearer that he's also in need of help. Though Matsuda can't understand what kind of a help Light needs right now. 'Maybe I should try talking to him? I came down here for this sole purpose...'

"Umm... Raito-kun is something bothering you?" Matsuda tries once again and Light glares at him as though he intends to say something along with the lines: "Yes. It's you bothering me". But then his glare softens and a smile makes its appearance on his lips.

"Why?" Light asks, still smiling kindly. "What makes you think so?"

For the first time in his life Matsuda thinks that Light must be stupid. The cigarettes, the coldness and the exhaustion in Light's eyes are obvious evidences to make anyone understand that something is wrong. And this smile of his may seem genuine, but is it possible for one to smile sincerely while having this kind of... emotions in the eyes? Or maybe Light's just messing with him. Matsuda can't say for sure.

"Well... Everything."

"Everything, eh?" Light smirks and puffs out the smoke through his lips. "I've already told you, it's nothing."

Matsuda watches as Light staggers suddenly and then almost falls to his side. The next moment young policeman makes a break forward, catching and steadying Light, holding him by his upper arm until the younger man regains his balance. Light scoffs and roughly pulls his hand out of Matsuda's hold.

Utterly horrified, Matsuda watches Light pull out another cigarette. He looks at Light's slender fingers, they're trembling slightly, and the small fire from the lighter he holds trembles too. It takes Light a little too long to light up his tobacco but when it finally catches on fire, Matsuda can't help but notices how terribly the light on the cigarette's tip dances, clutched in between boy's still shivering fingers.

He silently watches as Light's fingers bring the cigarette to boy's lips and then Matsuda lifts his eyes and gazes into those of Light.

And Light stares right back. His gaze's changed, it's no longer filled with sadness or fatigue. No, Light gazes at Matsuda intensely, those amber eyes are burning furiously, and Matsuda thinks they're changing their color miraculously – from golden shade to mahogany and up to the vermilion hue. His eyes must be fooling him with the color thing but this is too much. Matsuda's never thought the trivial eye-contact can be this strained or frightening. He turns his gaze away, feeling even more uneasy than before. Something's definitely wrong about Light.

Light watches Matsuda fidget in front of him, feeling at least a little amused. It's quite ludicrous indeed how Matsuda couldn't hold Light's stony stare for a few seconds.

He sighs and takes yet another puff at his cigarette. He would be even more amused had he not felt a throbbing pain in his head. His organism is so defenseless against the unwonted poison that it is laughable. So many things are funny as of lately. Light wants to laugh, he wants to throw his head back and laugh hysterically, but the pain in his temples threatens to tear his brain apart would he do so. That's the only reason he doesn't laugh out loudly - pain is insufferable. Everything else is damn perfect.

So instead of laughing Light pulls out the last cigarette, and just as he lights it up and drags a first puff, Matsuda's surprisingly warm fingers catch his own, firmly holding his hand with a cigarette still clutched between Light's fingers.

Light looks at Matsuda, trying to force his mind to generate some question like "The fuck you're doing?" but in a more socially appropriate way.

Matsuda says nothing, just looks into Light's entrancing eyes, and breaks the cigarette between his fingers. It falls on the ground and lays there. Matsuda doesn't move and Light does neither. Light watches his cigarette smolder on the tiles of the porch, and stays silent. He then slowly turns his gaze at Matsuda, the latter still holding his hand and looking at him sympathetically. Matsuda then takes a step forward, standing inches away from Light's face.

He's never had a chance to look at Light from such a close distance. It's a wonder, he thinks. He could admire this boy like he was a genius painter's masterpiece. Every curve of Light's face is flawless, his skin is smooth and clear but it's the eyes that makes Matsuda want to come even closer to this creature, to touch him and become privy to the fascinating things Light is made of.

And when he dares to take one step closer, Light's eyes suddenly obtain cold and vehement expression. Light scoffs at him and tears his hand away from Matsuda's. He then turns his back and leaves without saying a word.

Matsuda stands there, stupefied, watching Light's cigarette smolder until last few sparks die out.

Now he sees clearly that he never had a chance to be close to Light. He can't understand him, can't do anything. It was Light's choice not to let anyone know of his problems, but it's Matsuda's fault he couldn't make Light change his mind, so Matsuda thinks. And worst of all, he still can't comprehend what is bothering Light so much. Is it Kira case? Is it his relationship with Misa? Is it something else entirely? There's no way to catch on to Light's problem, the only thing Light said to him was "nothing". But if there's something Matsuda's hundred percent certain about, it's that no sane person would have that kind of expression in their gaze over "nothing". But the truth is, there's really nothing Matsuda can do to make things better. He can't stop Light and he shouldn't even try.

A/N: Well, this is my first story and I'm kinda nervous about it. Thank you for reading, and I'm terribly sorry for any possible mistakes.