Falling, Flailing-Chapter 7

Thanks for sticking with this one. I'm not sure I quite did this idea justice but I'm glad that you've all seemed to enjoy this. I have a ton of ideas but this is probably the last you'll see from me for a while. The semester starts on Tuesday and I've got two hours free a week during business hours and then homework and work...it's unfortunate but I'm really glad I've gotten the opportunity to write during this break and I look forward to picking it up again over the summer and when I've got some free time. This is a short one just to finish things off, felt a little incomplete where I planned to end it last chapter.

"Ed, seriously, you're not gonna tell me where we're going?" Spike asked, nervous and confused as he sat in Ed's passenger seat. Ed considered the question carefully. He couldn't tell Spike before they'd left, he'd never agree to come, but it might not hurt now.

"You said some things to me last night Spike, I know you don't remember but I think it's important to get some closure." Ed started vaguely, trying to test the waters a bit.

"Ed, I told you that I'd see the department shrink tomorrow for a trauma debriefing...you don't need to bring me there now, I promise I'll keep the appointment..." Spike was still a bit confused, trying to figure out what Ed was getting at.

"Nah, I know you'll keep your word, Spike. I won't check up on you, I trust you." Ed said sincerely as Spike relaxed a bit. It was a slight battle to get him to agree to see the counselor and it took Ed telling Spike about his own recent experience with asking for help and seeing a therapist to finally open him up to the idea. Though Ed was still debating the use and impact of his the therapy sessions, Greg swore by the idea that talking to someone impartial could help work out most problems; Ed never mentioned that he wasn't being completely honest with the therapist, but he was trying to give it as fair a shot as he could and that's all Spike needed to hear right now.

"Then where are we going?" Spike asked, back at square one. His question seemed to be answered as they turned off the main road to a familiar side street. Rolling hills filled the windows of the passenger side of the car, an unusual sight for the urban landscape at first glance, until you noticed the rows of neat marble headstones. "What are we doing here, Ed?" Spike asked a bit more seriously, any levity that was in his tone now gone.

"Last night when you and I were talking...well when I was talking to you and you were kind of in a drunken ramble...you kept on saying 'they.'" He paused for a moment, not sure if Spike was understanding exactly what Ed was implying. "You said that Noah was innocent but then you said that they didn't deserve to die...that it was your fault they'd died...you told me that it wasn't gonna be okay...Spike, it's not that hard to tell that you're still blaming yourself for Lou's death and that you're really still hurting." Ed was trying to be gentle as they pulled into the parking area and he turned off the ignition.

"Ed, this isn't necessary." Spike said firmly. "I was drunk, I don't even remember what I was thinking or saying."

"I know you weren't thinking, that's why it's more honest than you could ever be when you were aware that I was there, that anyone was watching." Spike knew he couldn't argue that one, he apparently did not have a filter last night and he was regretting it.

"I'm never going to be 'over it' Ed." Spike said in a quiet voice.

"I know...me neither." Ed said solemnly as he reached out and squeezed Spike's shoulder. "But we can at least try to keep living...come on." Ed said as he got out of his truck and started walking. Spike lagged behind a bit and let Ed lead. They both knew the way well; it was a well known fact that Spike visited Lou's grave often, Ed didn't make it known when he did though his teammates would probably be surprised at how regularly he sat with his fallen friend. They both stood in front of the modest headstone for a moment before Spike knelt and found tears in his eyes. He couldn't help it, he always found himself crying when he went to visit Lou.

"Hey buddy." He mumbled before sitting on the ground. It was cool outside but the sun still shone on the horizon and the ground was soft. Ed knelt down a few feet to Spike's left before smiling.

"Hey Lou." He said as his and Spike's eyes met for a moment. "It's been a tough couple of months." He said with a sigh as Spike nodded. "But I know you're always looking out for us, buddy. Thanks for that." Ed looked towards Lou's headstone for a few more moments before nodding. "Spike, I'm gonna leave you alone for a bit. I'll meet you back at the truck when you're ready and then we'll get some lunch and go do an early workout, get rid of some of the extra stress. Sound good?" Ed asked, already standing as Spike nodded.

"Thanks again, Ed...really, thanks for keeping on me." He said sincerely.

"Anytime, Spike. I got your back." He said with a smile before turning and starting his slow walk back to his truck. As he walked, he could hear Spike's voice fading.

"Damn, Lou. It's been one hell of a 24-hours. I had to do a lethal shot and...it was a kid...his name's Noah and, I don't know if this is possible but, you think you could keep an eye out on him if you cross paths? He reminds me a lot of myself and you know what? His uncle, he reminds me a little of you..."

As Ed continued to move out of earshot he couldn't help a sad smile from coming to his face. This was a step that Spike had to take in his career, it was a hard one, a step that broke so many good officers and forced them to leave the job but he knew that Spike would grow stronger from this experience. He knew that one day, probably a long way down the road, Spike would move up the ranks and, one day, he'd be looking out for one of his teammates in the way that Ed was looking out for him. He knew that Spike would rise above this and he knew that he wouldn't let Spike fall into the rut that he had, wouldn't let Spike let his pride get the better of him and keep him from getting the help he deserved and needed. He would never let Spike go through this experience alone, would never let him down.

And that's it. Please let me know what you think. I really appreciate reviews and they'll definitely help motivate me to continue to write on my next break. So thanks for sticking with me on this whirlwind of a month and thanks for all the support on all these stories. You have no idea how much I smile to see that I've been faved or to read my stats and get reviews so thank you.