Authors Notes: A friend suggested the idea of Gwen catching Morgause walking in slow-mo and finding the whole thing ridiculous. Being me, I found the idea FAR too enticing to leave alone and this fic popped out. It's set sometime in series three and is, as you'd expect from me, a tad cracky.

ENJOY WITH EVERY FIBRE OF YOUR FACE YOU BUNCH OF LOVELIES.

Catch Me If You Can

Dedicated to Toasty

May your butter always be warm or something idk

This was the tenth time that Gwen had caught Morgause attempting to 'storm' the city walls by dramatically walking towards them in slow motion.

The first time it happened was during an evening on what had otherwise been a very ordinary day, and Gwen had feared for her life. One moment she was walking beside the city walls, innocently picking flowers for the vases in Morgana's chambers the following morning, and the next moment she was literally bumping into the most wanted and feared witch in the kingdom. There had been an awkward exchange of looks.

Morgause had said, 'Guinevere'.

Gwen had said, 'Morgause'.

The witch had not immediately set her on fire like Gwen had assumed would be normal procedure for such an event. In fact, the witch had not done much at all except ever so slowly begin to lift a foot off the ground.

Gwen had looked at Morgause.

Morgause had looked at Gwen.

Gwen had said, '...Might I ask what you're doing?'

And Morgause had replied, 'I am storming the city walls'.

They became acquaintances and sort-of-maybe-friends-if-this-were-another-life-and-our-opinions-didn't-differ-so-vastly-on-every-subject after that.

Morgause had explained that she was 'moving in slow motion to appear as dramatic and intimidating as physically possible'. Gwen had raised her brows. Morgause had added, 'Well they had to spend the budget on something other than a disagreeable dragon'.

Then Gwen was politely told that 'I'm afraid I shall have to kill you now that you've seen me' and Morgause had slowly moved to draw her sword.

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

'Can you wait there for a moment?' Morgause had asked, 'This may take some time'.

Gwen had shaken her head, graciously declined and then run off to raise the alarm instead.

Morgause had only just managed to grip the hilt of her sword when the bells rang out around her and she had to slowly turn around and retreat back into the woods instead.

Gwen had encountered Morgause in a similar fashion every evening since. Whenever she ventured to the outside of the city walls to pick flowers, there the witch was - slowly making her way towards Camelot in the most unproductive manner possible.

By the tenth meeting Gwen was barely batting an eyelid at the spectacle. She assumed this was the reaction of the knights and guards atop the wall too, who were generally regarded as being the least perceptive and useful in the land.

Giving a sigh as the blonde tediously set down one foot and began the long process of raising the other, Gwen tossed a flower into the basket she was carrying and walked towards the witch, unsurprisingly moving infinitely faster than Morgause's own modest pace.

"Is this really the best use of your time?" Gwen queried when she came to a halt a few paces in front of the other woman. It would take Morgause at least a quarter of an hour to reach her.

"Yes." Morgause replied resolutely "If something is worth doing then it's worth doing in the most dramatic fashion possible."

"What about getting out of bed in the morning?"

"Reasonably dramatic."

"Eating breakfast?"

"Also dramatic."

Gwen narrowed her eyes. "...Putting on your needlessly hefty amounts of eyeliner?"

"That is the most dramatic of all."

"I see." The maidservant said, sounding as though she had grasped absolutely no understanding of the topic at all "But must you keep doing this though? We already know how it will end. I will take a leisurely stroll around the city walls and finish picking flowers and then I will raise the alarm again. It happens every time and you never manage to travel more than a few feet before you have to turn straight back around again."

"A little persistence never did anybody any harm, Guinevere." Morgause replied stubbornly, one toe having now finally lifted from the ground.

Gwen dedicated just a brief moment to staring at the witch in incredulity before stating the simple, undeniable fact that "This is ridiculous".

"Your basket of flowers is ridiculous" came the childish retort.

A second sigh was emitted as Gwen rolled her eyes. She looked down into the mentioned basket and began arranging the flowers with her spare hand. "However Morgana puts up with you, I have no idea." She murmured, more to herself than present company.

Morgause did not seem best pleased at the statement. She eyed the woman before her suspiciously. "...How do you know about-"

"You leave her notes in small, unnecessarily ornate boxes on the windowsill." Gwen interrupted exasperatedly "I open her curtains every morning. In what reality would I have not noticed your associations with each other?"

There was a slight pause.

Morgause let out what sounded like a snarl. "You're far too clever for this series."

"And yet I never get any screen time." Gwen responded thoughtfully, looking back up to the witch. "Not even in series five when I'm Queen."

"Well that is because they don't want anyone pointing out all the glaring errors, do they?" Morgause reasoned, all toes now lifted from the ground apart from her big toe.

"True, true."

Gwen went back to arranging her flowers. Morgause concentrated on raising her big toe above the grass. The guards and knights upon the wall looked on, blissfully unaware of anything that was happening below them.

"I haven't seen any of the scripts past next episode." Morgause said.

"Oh." Gwen replied.

"You become Queen of Camelot, though? Rather than my sister?"

"Yes." Gwen said, nodding. "But I never really get to do anything. It's quite bizarre."

"What happens to me?" Morgause asked.

The maidservant looked rather uncomfortable about the question and shifted the basket from one hand to the other uneasily. Well. A small white couldn't hurt, could it? "...You become Camelot's greatest knight and...preach about the Old Religion in your spare time."

Morgause appeared most pleased about this development. "Do I still get to whimsically raise armies of the undead?"

"...Yes. Why not."

"Oh, how positively bracing." The witch enthused. "What about my sister? She has a bright future too, I hope?"

Flashes of Morgana's untimely and exceptionally undramatic death whizzed through Gwen's mind. Well...in for a penny in for a pound. "Absolutely. She becomes an ally and court sorceress after the ban on magic is lifted."

"Wonderful!" Morgause replied delightedly "I knew it would all work out in the end. I mean how can this," she glanced down to herself "fail to succeed?"

Gwen watched with a blank face as the witch's big toe finally elevated from the ground and the whole foot began its slow ascension into the air. "An impossibility."

"Exactly."

"...But even so...are you sure this slow motion business is entirely necessary?"

"Do not question me, Guinevere. We were just beginning to get along so well."

"It's just that Gaius could outrun you at this speed-"

Morgause suddenly made a gagging noise and evidently had to muster up a great deal of self-control in order not to vomit everywhere. "Never...never mention that decrepit old turtle's name in my company again."

"I take it you are not a fan of his then?"

"Is anybody, Guinevere? Is anybody?"

To this, Gwen could not help but nod her head in agreement, and murmured quietly to herself that "...I fear the end of this series is going to come as a bit of shock to you..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"I thought you said something."

"I'm afraid not."

Morgause narrowed her eyes slightly but questioned her no more. Her foot continued its steady journey upwards.

"I'll leave you to it then, shall I?" Gwen said.

"I think that would be best. I am exceptionally busy as you can see."

The maidservant stood still for a moment or two. Watched as Morgause's knee began to bend in order to take another step. "Yes, you're quite right. How you manage to get anything done is a complete mystery."

"I'm very talented." Morgause responded, incorrectly taking Gwen's statement as a compliment.

"That's...one word for it."

The blonde, looking highly pleased with herself, began to slowly, ever so exceptionally slowly, raise a hand.

Gwen frowned. "...What are you doing now?"

"I am starting to gesture to you to be on your way."

"Oh."

A vast, uneventful silence stretched out before them.

"You may be here awhile-" Morgause began.

"Shall I just - ?" Gwen started.

"I think it would be in your best interests."

"Right." The maidservant turned to leave, only to look back around to Morgause and ask "Same time tomorrow, then?"

The witch scowled. "Pipe down, Guinevere. You are the future Queen of Camelot, not the future Queen of Sass."

"I'd rather like to incorporate both."

Morgause let out a snort of amusement. "An intelligent and quick-witted woman on the show? I'm afraid they only cast one of those at the absolute maximum and, as you can see, I am already here."

"Not for long." Gwen replied without thinking.

"What?!"

A slight pause. Gwen's eyes had widened considerably. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did! You said 'not for long'!"

"Sorry, must dash." Gwen said quickly, hurrying away from the scene of her misdemeanour. "Somebody has to raise the alarm and I'm the only sane person here!"

"Don't you dare!" Morgause yelled "I demand answers!"

But Gwen was already disappearing round a corner of the city wall and out of sight. "See you tomorrow evening, Morgause!" Her call echoed out behind her.

And then she was gone.

Morgause scowled to herself. How very discourteous. She'd have to question the maidservant about what she meant next evening since it didn't make any sense. 'Not for long'? Ha! Morgause was the most feared, powerful and intelligent witch in all the realm! She would be around for a very long time indeed.

The sound of the alarm bells rang out loudly from behind the city walls, tearing Morgause from her thoughts. She let out a sound of frustration and started the slow process of turning around and making her way back to the cover of the forest.

'Not for long', her ass. Nobody could harm her. She was a genius.

An ascending foot came to a halt. Paused. Began its long descent again.

Besides, they'd have to catch her first.

Authors Notes: Weeeee! It iS DOnE. I hope you all enjoyed it at least on some sub-level deep down in your heart.

If you're feeling as particularly dramatic and fantastic as Morgause then please feel free to send me a review because I love them hard. HARD. HARD.

Aiight, this has been thedeathlymarshmallows, over and out.

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