He remembered.

He remembered hearing that the darkspawn were rising, and Ferelden was meeting them on the battlefield.

He remembered the day Ser Ell had called him aside, with a face full of worry, to tell him that his king was dead and that good men like his father and Teyrn Loghain were rallying the country to beat back both darkspawn and Orlesians.

He remembered hearing that the Grey Wardens had treacherously lured King Cailan to his death, and that but two outlaws were left roaming the countryside, fomenting rebellion.

He remembered his father writing about the Couslands' betrayal, and how they had been plotting with Orlais to invade during the chaos. He didn't want to believe it – Bryce Cousland had been a beloved uncle to him, Eleanor Cousland had been a mother to Delilah after their own mother passed…. Fergus was more his brother than Thomas had ever been and Elissa….

He'd remembered the brilliant smile, the breathless kisses, the promises of always, and someday, and forever, and the Couslands' smiles of approval… and he'd locked himself away, drank, and cried.

To know they were all dead and that Highever was now his father's teyrnir… the conflicting emotions made his heart break. The pride in knowing his father had finally achieved what he'd always wished for and deserved – retaking Highever – was overshadowed by his grief and disbelief that his second family , heroes of the Occupation! - could have plotted against Cailan and Ferelden.

He remembered hearing that the bannorn was in rebellion, and that civil war was tearing Ferelden apart… that the two Grey Warden traitors had amassed the dwarves, the elves, the mages and of all people, that fool Eamon Guerrin behind them!

He remembered, very clearly, the letter that had come to him in Teyrn Loghain's own hand, bluntly sending regrets and informing him that one of the Grey Warden traitors was indeed Elissa Cousland – his Elissa alive! – and that she had murdered his father in cold blood in their new estate of the Arling of Denerim.

He remembered taking ship immediately, and arriving in Ferelden to find a previously unknown bastard of Maric's on the throne, and married, unhappily, to Queen Anora, and Loghain conscripted as one of the traitorous Grey Wardens. All arranged – by her.

He remembered coming home after the civil war… finding that his name was soiled, his brother dead, his sister missing and his home filled with Wardens… Orlesian Wardens. And that Fergus Cousland was Teryn of Highever, and Elissa Cousland touted as the Hero of Ferelden, the Arlessa of Amaranthine, and Commander of the Grey. And the reason for all this – the reason he was alone in the world – was her.

He remembered using his assassin's training and sneaking back into Vigil's Keep, knowing she was on her way. He considered killing her, but what would be the point of that? It would not bring his father or his honor back. And he didn't want to think about – couldn't imagine – watching the light in her eyes go out as he murdered her. So instead, he was caught as he tried to gather some family mementoes and steal back away into the night.

He remembered it took four Wardens to beat him into submission and to drag him to the dungeons.

He remembered the Darkspawn attack, and how many died while he was trapped in his cell – and how she'd come, surprised, still reeking with blood, to see him. How fitting for a murderer, he had thought. How for an instant, there had been a flash of hope, of love, of joy to see him whole…

He remembered the words that had spilled between them – painful, vicious, hateful as he branded her murderer and she called his father traitor, murderer and worse.

Mostly he remembered the anguish in her eyes as she realized that it was her responsibility as Arlessa to sentence him. She'd asked him what he would do if she let him go, and he told her he might come back sometime to finish the job when he wouldn't be caught. When she observed he wasn't helping his case he'd asked if she wanted him to lie to her.

He'd never lied to her before.

He's thought to force her to hang him, to end his misery – and gambled that if she forced conscription on him he would die as apparently many did. Instead she'd ordered her seneschal – formerly his father's seneschal – to help him gather his things and to have him escorted from the keep.

He remembered coming back, to Join her and to redeem his sullied name.