A Drabble A Day (Keeps The Bonstys At Play)

a series of Ickis-centric Aaaah! Real Monsters vignettes

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: The themes for this collection were inspired by an Internet art meme called "The Twenty-Five Essential Expressions". Since I haven't owned a functioning scanner in ages, I wrote scenes to suggest the emotions. It's possible I may go back and construct a companion drawing for this someday but I'm really more comfortable with my writing techniques at the moment.

1. happy

"You have to read them in order Krumm, or they don't make sense." Ickis explained.

"But I don't like the ones without Stink Boy. A hero is boring if he's by himself all the time." argued Krumm.

"Even heroes need privacy sometimes. So they can reflect on previous missions, or plan ahead for the next adventure, or even just to get their cape back from the dry-cleaners." Ickis suggested.

"That doesn't sound very heroic." Krumm commented.

"A hero can't be perfect all the time. I should know, I was one." Ickis pointed out.

"That was just make-believe though." countered Krumm.

Ickis looked at him quizzically. "Krumm, what do you think comic books are?" he asked.

Krumm pondered this. "I think they must be slices-of-life." he responded.

Ickis sighed. "Well, starting with this issue, they've retconned it so Ultra Monster and Stink Boy were always crime-fighting partners." he informed his friend.

"Oh wow. That means Ultra Monster has always had the best life cause he spends it with his best buddy! Lemme see, lemme see!" Krumm sounded really excited as his eyes darted to and fro.

Ickis shrugged as he watched Krumm try to read over his shoulder. "Y'know if it's that important to you, just ask and I'll let you read it first." he offered.

"Yeah! This is great! Thanks, Ickis." Krumm happily snatched the comic out of his claws. Ickis let out a small huff of frustration. By the time he got the comic back, Krumm would probly dog-ear every page and he'd be lucky if they weren't any food stains on it, either. But as long as it made Krumm happy, he guessed that it was okay.

2. sad

It was a stupid holiday. So what if the Gromble gave them all the day off, it didn't mean anything to him. Oblina and her mother were probly out enjoying the Museum of Monstrous Art. It seemed to be a safe bet, as far as he knew it was the only place they both enjoyed. Even Krumm liked to visit his mom, and she had left Horvak shortly after finding out he'd lost his stench. She wasn't even a loyal wife, so how good a mom could she be? But apparently, she made an excellent slime pie and Krumm always bragged that he put on weight every time he saw her. Dizzle and her mom were off to the cockroach races, and Horrifica went with her mother to the tar pits for a "muddy facial", whatever that was. Snav's mom had shown up only a short while ago, having taken the wrong exit at Newark. But she was with him now, and that was what counted. Zimbo had gone somewhere with his mom as well and good riddance. At least the dump was quiet and he could mope in peace.

Mother's Day was stupid beyond belief and he'd never understand why they'd appropriated the custom from humans in the first place. If the Gromble was so dead-set against human culture, why would he allow this? Just because he loved HIS mother, it didn't mean that every monster had somebody like that to spend the day with, somebody who would tell them stories, make them home-cooked gruel, bring them an extra blanket when they were sick, let them know that they were special and important and loved. Monsters like that deserved a holiday. He realized then that he was being selfish just because he felt excluded. Ickis wiped a tear from his eye and surveyed the dump. He hadn't noticed how much really awesome junk was lying discarded all around him, like that extension cord over there, it would probly make a great tie! Or that barbed wire, he might be able to weave it into a crown or something. Maybe use some of those bottlecaps as embellishments. He'd work all day and night if he had to, but he was going to make something really special. And he'd get the biggest box he could find so that tomorrow morning he could give a package to the mail-monster straight away. Slickis had never admitted it, but Ickis had a feeling he was lonely today, too.

3. pleased

Grishnak was not a hobby the Gromble encouraged. Monsters of all ages had a tendency to get very addicted to the game, and many toenails had been won and lost at the Grishnak tables. Ickis had never thought much of the game one way or the other, but Pugh insisted it was something all the cool monsters played. He took Ickis to one of the tournaments and instructed him to sit very still and keep quiet. Ickis watched the older monsters play through several rounds, passing the toenails back-and-forth. After about the first hour of play, he stifled a yawn. Pugh glared at him.

"You're throwing off my game, kid. I thought I toldja not to make noise, but there you are, acting like you're bored with a Grishnak tourney! That's really not the attitude I expect from a monster in my gang." Pugh complained.

"I just don't see the appeal of it." Ickis confessed. "You don't even win most of the time."

Pugh scowled as the other monsters snickered behind his back. "It's random." he told Ickis. "Nobody wins every time."

"Yeah, but you only play with one set. That just makes it easier to keep count of what's been dealt." Ickis pointed out.

Pugh was intrigued. "What do you mean, kid?" he asked.

"I just mean that you can assign points to everything that gets played. Look, it's like a chart. Do you mind if I borrow this?" Ickis pointed to the stubby quill one of the gang-members was using to keep track of the current pile of toenails. The dealer nodded, his curiosity piqued. Ickis cleared a small space on one of the tables and plucked a napkin that was next to a bowl of fried gnats with spicy pillbug sauce."You assign a point value to everything within a set. 2's, 3's, and 7's are each worth +1, and 4's, 5's, and 6's are worth +2. 8's and 9's are worth 0. The 10's, Trolls, Goblins, and Banshees, are all worth -2. And the Orcs are -1. You adjust the count after every round, so you remember what's already played, and can determine what's probly gonna be played next. Then you bet accordingly. If you used more sets it'd be harder cause you'd have to average 'em out." explained Ickis.

Pugh grinned as he looked at the diagram. "I like the way you think. Deal him in boys, and put all his winnings on my tab. I'm gonna study this chart some." Pugh proclaimed as he clapped Ickis on the back.

"You can keep that if you want." Ickis replied. "I still know how the current count's going, and I was thinking I might create a more advanced prediction method later, cause there's still some room for error."

"Not too much error when it's my toenails on the line." growled Pugh.

"Oh no, the odds are definitely in your favor now. The advantage won't swing back to the dealer for another 3 rounds, 2 if there's a bad spread. But I'm sure I can counter that." Ickis asserted.

"Good. You're showing a lot of spunk." Pugh told him. Ickis beamed. He'd never had a popular monster pay him such glowing compliments. And when the tournament ended, and he handed Pugh 400 additional toenails, he was sure he'd proven himself an invaluable asset to the gang.

4. angry

He didn't like arguing with her. Krumm often said that he must enjoy it on some level, or he wouldn't do it so much. But he'd noticed Krumm only said that when the arguments kept him awake too long or got exceptionally loud or ended with him caught in the middle. It was just that Oblina got him so mad sometimes, the way she flaunted her parents' wealth (inadvertedly, but it still counted), the way she got better grades in every subject (not just the academic ones, he was prepared to admit defeat there, but when she outperformed him in sports it really got under his skin), the way she looked down on him constantly, the way her lips formed endless renditions of "I told you so" and never "I love you so"... wait how did that thought get in there? He was so mad at the way she distracted him, it wasn't fair, she was at her most hideous when she was angry.

5. confused

To say that his day had been long and difficult was an understatement. There were large patches of time that he simply could not account for, and Ickis really had to struggle against the urge to curl himself into a ball and roll around on the floor, which made no sense whatsoever. He didn't appreciate that the first thing Oblina had made him do upon waking was track down Krumm, who was also acting unusually paranoid. They chased him up all across the dump for twenty minutes and when they had finally cornered the smelly monster, Oblina had instructed Ickis to close his eyes first, while she proceeded to describe Krumm's finer qualities. Then she snapped her fingers and greeted Krumm with what Ickis considered an altogether-too-friendly embrace. Apparently, Krumm's annoying behavior was due to hypnosis, and Oblina had inadvertedly gotten Krumm to act neurotic, because that's the way she believed Ickis normally was. Oblina also blamed the hypnosis for Ickis' memory lapse, athough she seemed far too flippant about the whole thing for his liking. Needless to say, Ickis was very upset about it. They were his best friends, and Krumm had treated him like a joke, while Oblina dismissed him as panicky and insecure! It was one of the worst revelations he'd ever had, and all of it brought about by a silly watch. He decided that night that he hated all timepieces, and if he never saw one again, it'd be too soon.

6. tired

There were many reasons Ickis stayed up late. Sometimes he just wanted to read another comic book. Other times he was trying to build something strange and wonderful. Occasionally he got caught up in late night people-watching (usually when humans were partaking in something called an "outdoor concert" which involved a lot of singing, and dancing, and often they wore outrageous costumes and set off bright, pyrotechnic displays). Every now and then he even stayed up to finish his homework or review a chapter he didn't completely understand (which was the only after-hours activity Oblina approved of, besides scaring).

But then there were nights when he didn't want to sleep. Those were the worst of all, as he kept going over every single mistake he'd made during his young life, and contemplated how much better off they'd all be if he just wasn't around.

He knew he dragged them down. His father could probly get alot more scares done if he didn't have to attend so many parent-teacher conferences. It must be exhausting listening to the Gromble complain that Ickis was the only student he'd ever had who could get his ears caught in a mouse-trap, or had ever thought putting itching powder in high heels constituted a "harmless schoolyard prank". He strongly suspected that more than one lady monster had decided the Great Slickis wasn't quite so squishable when she learned he was saddled with a squalling brat of a bonsty-ish son. Krumm would probly eat double portions of everything if he didn't have to keep somebody like Zimbo from cutting in front of a friend in the lunch-line. And Oblina's grades wouldn't suffer, he knew that A- she'd gotten last week only happened because he'd kept making faces at her during the exam, to the point where she'd gotten scolded for shushing him, and the Gromble had spitefully penalized her. Even the Gromble would be happier, without Ickis he might actually consider early retirement.

Ickis had begun to tear up without even realizing it. What was he doing, bothering them all like that? Maybe he should become a recluse. His last attempt at finding an "Ickisville" in the human world hadn't worked out the way he'd envisioned, but it certainly wasn't a bad outcome. He could try again, only this time he'd be better prepared. He had a mouth harp to include in his running-away-suitcase and he'd make extra certain that "New Ickisville" didn't have any previously established tenants. Yes, there were definite possibilities there...

"Ickis?" Oblina opened her eyes blearily and yawned. "I thought I heard you crying. Are you quite alright?" she asked kindly.

"I'm just tired." Ickis told her.

7. shocked

"Humans have always been a superstitous breed, full of mistaken beliefs about monsters and other so-called fantasy creatures." the Gromble lectured. "Can anyone tell me which of their books popularized the exploits of the great swamp monster, Grendel?"

Ickis' paw shot up into the air. "I know this, I know this, it's Beowulf. And it was really all King Hrothgar's fault since he built his stupid old mead-hall Heorot practically on top of their ancestral home and threw his obnoxious parties EVERY NIGHT, when if he'd just left them in peace, Grendel would'nta had to eat anybody. Beowulf was cruel anyway, keeping the monster's severed arm as a trophy. It's no wonder Grendel's Ma came back for revenge! At least she got to kill the King's stupid friend, Aeschere. But I still don't think Beowulf should've challenged her to an underwater duel. Not that he was ever gonna fight fair, bringing a giant sword to the battle like that. Best part of the whole thing is Beowulf's cosmic death when the dragon comes to town, burns down all the villages, and bites him in the neck! I think the only reason a monster didn't get to him first is cause we got standards and don't like stooping to a human's level."

The Gromble stared at him for a moment in stunned silence. "I don't believe it. You got that right." he finally stated.

"Of course I did! My dad used to read it to me all'a time when I was a bonsty. Didn't your parents ever do the same for you?" Ickis inquired.

"Mama thought that story was racist." the Gromble admitted.

8. irritated

"Isn't he a pretty bunny?" the woman cooed as she patted him on the head.

"Be careful, dear." her husband admonished. "Some of the wild animals have rabies." Ickis picked the wrong moment to begin a loom, because although the woman screamed in fright, she then proceeded to whack him with her purse. The husband for his part, took out a cell phone and immediately began dialing. "Hello, Animal Control? We have a suspected case of rabies in a wild rabbit. We need the Bronx division, as we're right outside the Pelham Parkway, yes that's right, northwest of the country club. No it doesn't seem terribly aggressive, but it gave my wife a bit of a scare..."

"I know I should have listened to mother!" the woman wailed. "She always told me to stay out of Pelham Bay!"

The man cupped a hand over the reciever. "Oh honey, the neighborhood isn't all bad. What about our trip to the botanical gardens?" he reminded her.

"There wasn't anything disease-ridden in the gardens." she sobbed.

The man returned his attention to the phone. "Yes, we can clear the area. We weren't planning on staying long anyway, and after this happened... no, nobody's been bitten. I made sure of that. Well if you think we should get checked out..." He turned to his wife, who shook her head vigorously. "I can try to convince her later, if you feel it's for the best. She can be pretty stubborn though, takes after her mom in that regard."

The wife flashed him an angry scowl but never ceased pummeling Ickis. "Be serious!" she scolded.

"Who says I wasn't?" he replied with a laugh. "No, I'm not laughing at you sir. Yeah, we'll let you handle things. Thanks for the instruction, you were very helpful." He turned off the phone.

"They just want us to go?" asked the frightened woman with the powerful swinging arm.

"It's the sensible thing to do. We're not equipped to handle this kind of threat. The most we could do is try to scare it off with some pepper spray." he told her.

"I have a whole bottle!" the woman cried triumphantly. "Mother calls it a necessity." She rummaged in her purse for a brief instant, located the promised bottle, and sprayed Ickis directly in the face. He collapsed immediately. The glasses did nothing to mask the pain. The next hour was a whirlwind of agony for him. He was dimly aware of the sound of retreating footsteps, then sirens, followed by several blurred images he took to be the mythical Animal Control. Throughout it all, his main concern was to drag, crawl, or limp his way to the sewer drain. Home had never seemed so far off.

By the time he hauled his beleaguered body to the dump, Krumm and Oblina had grown very concerned.

"Icky!" Oblina cried out. "What has happened to you, we haven't seen you all day, even the Gromble was getting worried!"

Ickis doubled over as a fresh wave of pain wracked his body. "Oh by dose! Ad by eyes! She had pebba spwa ad it s'dings so buch! Da hubans caw'd in dese dispadgers ad a wi'life b'ologisd ad it toog evry'thig I had'a ged away frub them. I cad beleeb- why'd dey do sudge a thig- who desides pebba spwa- why'd I eben go dere- Pel'bum Beh is da wurz logation eber!" he howled.

"Forget it, Ickis. It's Pelham Bay." Krumm advised.

9. wtf?

Ickis glanced at the rows of books on Bradley's bookshelves. "Wow, you read almost as much as Oblina!" he exclaimed.

"I'm in the gifted and talented program at school." Bradley boasted. "Dad says it runs in the family."

Ickis looked slightly disappointed. "I don't even remember the last time someone told me I'd take after my dad, without first saying 'I thought you would...'" he admitted.

"Yeah, but you're really little! For a monster, I mean." clarified Bradley. "Most people don't start acting like their parents until they're grown-up. That's why Dad won't let me do everything he does. I can't drive the car, or use the power tools, and I'm never, EVER s'posed to look at his special magazines."

"What's a magazine? Is it like a comic book?" Ickis asked excitedly.

"I'll show you." Bradley offered. "I took this out of his secret drawer. You might like it. It's pretty weird."

Ickis read the title. "Maxim. That's a nice name. I think the Gromble went to school with somebody who had a similar name." Ickis began flipping through the pages, and his jaw dropped. He didn't think Maxeem had ever posed like THAT.

10. triumph

"I can't believe you signed up for the talent show." Oblina whispered from backstage. "Are you sure you're up for this?"

"Tell me it's a magic act. I've always wanted you to disappear." Zimbo taunted.

"You need a volunteer from the audience to do that." informed Ickis. "And no, I've got something better planned."

One by one, the monsters demonstrated their acts. Krumm's juggling was always a crowd-pleaser and many audience members felt he was the favorite to win. Zimbo did a series of loop-de-loops in midair and concluded with a barrel roll. It was flashy, but nothing the Gromble hadn't seen him do before. Oblina did her 'transformer' routine but lost points when the Gromble decided that her 'Teacher Scolding Class' looked a trifle more heavyset that he wanted to admit. Gludge didn't do anything beyond flexing his muscles, although if you heard Horrifica's swoons, you'd swear that was the most impressive feat ever performed. Snav tried to escape from a pair of Chinese Finger Cuffs but after fifteen minutes of struggling, settled for biting the cuffs in half.

At last, it was Ickis' turn. He strode confidently on stage and placed a boom-box onto the floor. After four beats of silence, he flicked 'Play' and an eerie melody filled the hall.

"It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart

You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it

You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes

You're paralyzed

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night

And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike..."

The monsters watched in amazement as he danced. Leading with the right foot he took four steps forward, then four back, and repeated the motions. He nodded his head on the first and third beats as the vocals began. Then he turned sideways, stuck one arm in front and one behind, and shook his groove thing. He took another step forward and wiggled some more. He flexed his claws menacingly and made two quick slashing motions, first to one side, then the other. He stood ramrod-straight, then threw his head back and leaned one foot out straight. He gave two "bunny hops" and struck a dramatic pose, knees bent slightly, one leg outstretched, the other off to the side, and rested one of his claws on his hips. Then he crouched down and sprang up with his lips curled fiercely four times in a row. He paused for a full count then began a slow, lumbering "zombie" shuffle. He shook his claws and did another stylish pose with one arm up and one down. Claws extended out to the side, he walked forward for three counts, then turned to the other side, reversed direction once, then reversed it again, and continued walking. He did a final directional change for three counts then pounced! He bent to touch his toes twice, struck another pose for four counts, turned around for four counts, face forward again for four counts, then raised one paw over his head and swung the other one down as though he were playing an invisible guitar. He swiveled his feet for a beat, then made his arms pinwheel again for five counts. He gestured to one side and pretended to throw four punches. Next he turned his head for four beats, and in six fluid motions turned his entire body around until he faced the opposite direction. He shot a quick glance at the audience, the slapped his leg and took ten steps backward. Then he started the whole routine over again, and finished the final steps with a slightly slower, but still on-tempo performance.

The audience burst into wild applause, and the Gromble soon found himself clapping along. "I think we have a winner. Ickis, son of the Great Slickis, is actually the Academy's most talented young monster." he announced with a look that almost qualified as a smile.

"And THAT's how you win a talent contest!" Ickis proudly declared as he raised his trophy above his head.

11. fear

For a monster who was s'posed to instill fear in humans, Ickis had been on the recieving end of a fright more times than he cared to recall. There was the day Simon had thrown them all in cages and threatened to expose them on TV, he'd almost succumbed to despair several times before Bradley had wandered over and shown him kindness. There was the day he'd lost his arm, and the rest of his body parts, due to the monster academy's recent spate of disastrous scares. Even the Gromble had given up on them, and if he hadn't had that conversation with the pool of elders, he would have vanished permanently. And of course he couldn't forget the time that creepy human had wanted to use him as the star attraction for the "Monsters Are Scary" theme park ride. If his friends hadn't shown up to rescue him, who knows where he'd be? Probly spending his day in a chintzy Florida resort, where he'd be more of a laughingstock that the guy in the Murray the Monster suit.

His greatest fear hadn't yet materialized, but he worried it was only a matter of time. One day, his entire class would graduate and he alone would be without a diploma. When that happened, he knew for sure, his father was going to be so disappointed.

12. bereft

This was worse than losing his manual. Oh sure, that had the potential to reveal the existence of monsters to the entire human population, a world that largely consisted of fanatics like Simon the Monster Hunter who would torture monsters and enjoy doing it, or scheming carnival workers out to profit from their expense, or know-nothing Hollywood directors that didn't care how much their documentaries harmed a monster's well-being. But this- this was something important.

He scoured every inch of the dorm room looking for it. It wasn't in the oversized novelty stocking Oblina slept in, or the cracked glass where Krumm kept his eyeballs at night. It wasn't behind the poster depicting their Egyptian vacation, or hidden among the stacks of Ultra Monster comic books (he noticed that #27 was absent, and he'd bet his last toenail that Krumm had 'borrowed' it without permission again). Finally, it dawned on him that he might have left it in the suitcase yesterday, when he'd seriously considered yet-another-runaway-attempt. He fumbled with the latches and gave a positive squeal of delight when he saw the mouth harp still tucked away, safe and sound. He had just enough time to practice his scales and arpeggios before curfew.

13. flirty

"That was some lecture the Gromble gave." Ickis whistled. "I never realized that you and me were dating!"

Oblina almost dropped her manual in surprise but recovered in time. "We're not dating!" she insisted.

Ickis frowned slightly. "But I'm a boy, and you're my friend..." he began.

Oblina sighed. "Ickis, if those were the only qualifications for a boyfriend, I'd be going out with Krumm."

Ickis' ears drooped. "You never told me you were going out with Krumm." he stated sadly.

"That's because I'm not." she informed him.

"Oh! So I CAN be your boyfriend!" exclaimed Ickis happily, and curled his ears into a heart-shape.

Oblina giggled at the clumsy way he tried to be romantic. But, she didn't tell him to stop.

14. serious

"Come on, Oblina, you have to see this!" begged Ickis.

"I do not have to see anything. What I have to do, is finish my homework. And that's something I strongly encourage you to do as well." she chided.

"But this is bigger than that!" he whined. "It's this really great statue."

Oblina stopped walking immediately. "Absolutely not. I have had more than enough of you and statues. If you wanted someone to boost your ego, I suggest you bring Dizzle, but I am not interested!" she snapped.

"It's a different kind of statue! You'll see!" he insisted.

Oblina still had her misgivings, but she could never resist a challenge. "One quick look." she allowed.

"You won't regret it!" Ickis assured her. "We're almost to Austin Street and Lefferts Boulevard. It's in the garden, right alongside Queens Borough Hall. Oh, wait'll you see it!" he exclaimed.

Oblina gasped. "That horrid human! He is stomping on two lady monsters! Ickis, how could you show me such a miserable thing?" she demanded.

"No, no. That's what I thought at first too, but it isn't like that at all!" he persisted. "Bradley went with his class on a field trip and he said-"

"Bradley is a human." she interrupted. "Of course he would defend their handiwork. I would have thought you'd have more sense than to be suckered in by propaganda, but I guess I overestimated you!"

"Would you just listen to me for a second?" he asked testily. "I know it's not something you make a habit of, but just this once, hear me out! It's the famous Statue of Civic Virtue and lots of human have lobbied to get rid of it in the past."

"Good. At least some of them have an ounce of decorum." she noted.

"But they just didn't understand what it represents. It was built in 1920 and is s'posed to depict a legendary hero overcoming vice and corruption. They moved it here in 1941 because the mayor didn't like the way it looked. He'd forgotten how important it is for a city to maintain a virtuous nature. They used to let it rot to the point where the fountain wouldn't work and the steps were cracked. Kinda like the city used to be, back in the day. Bradley says humans used to really hate each other. They had race riots where they fought each other because they didn't like the color skin other humans had." Ickis stated sadly.

Oblina couldn't fathom such behavior. "How barbaric." she muttered in dismay.

"And they weren't very nice to women, either. They wouldn't give them good jobs, or pay them enough for what they did do, or let them decide which laws were good and which weren't. They had all sorts of crime, and humans were afraid to go outside at night, not because monsters were running around, but because they thought their children might be in danger. They even had drug wars over stuff that Bradley says is worse than sugar but once they taste it, it's all a human ever wants to have. Like they're obsessed or something. And recently Bradley says a bunch of humans beat up other humans because of how they were squishing on each other and it's s'posed to be bad for human morals, or something, but he says they've done it all throughout history and it's not wrong, just different than the way the other humans act and they're scared of what they don't understand." he continued breathlessly. Oblina nodded. She remembered how cruelly some of the monsters had treated Ickis when they thought he was spontaneously combustible. There was a reason the Gromble yelled at them for being human-like. "New York needs civic virtue, or it will fall apart like a dirty old statue. Bradley says they should preserve it, or they might forget again. Humans don't think the way you do, Oblina. They're really slow to learn things, and they need constant reminders, almost as much as I do." he told her.

Oblina shook her head. "No, Ickis. There are some lessons you learn quite well."

15. silly

The clones had caused Ickis more trouble in a single day that he usually got into during an entire month. They were nothing if not ambitious. He wondered where that particular aspect of his personality had come from, it had always seemed in short supply when he needed to pull off a scare, or impress a classmate, or come up with a convincing lie for why the Viewfinder was broken. He couldn't deny the clones had their uses, either. Trickis had stood up to Zimbo (in the most obnoxious way possible, but oh, he'd always wanted to do that). Thickis was so athletic in his scares you'd almost believe you were watching a young Slickis perform (if you squinted, and overlooked some of the physical differences). Tickis had actually questioned Krumm's loyalty (not that he really had cause to do that, except for that one time Krumm had been awfully smug about his Wave-riding abilities, as if Ickis had never even worked with him or shown him some of Slickis' special techniques). And Chickis, well the less said about him the better (at least Oblina had the sense NOT to kiss that bozo. He wondered if she would have refused him, had he tried a similar but more subdued approach). Even Gummo had some pretty good ideas, he thought as he scrubbed the remaining graffiti. 'The Gromble Eats Fresh Produce'. It made him wonder what his friends would think if he drew a cartoon of the Gromble with his nose stuck in a pickle jar. He suspected it would go over rather well.

16. blank

None of these questions made sense! He looked around the classroom in desperation. Oblina was writing away happily. Of course, this was no trouble for her. She never flunked any tests. Ickis got so nervous during exams there were times he couldn't remember how many letters were in his name, or whether the dot came at the top or the bottom of the 'i'. The clock was ticking so slowly, he despaired that the belch would never come. Then he thought of how much worse it would be when class DID end, and the Gromble saw that his paper was completely and utterly blank.

Why couldn't the Gromble just give out "true or false" tests? He'd quit doing that when he realized that Krumm would toss an eyeball into the air, and then base his answer on whether he caught it facing forward or backhanded it. It wasn't fair, Ickis had never even gotten enough results to test the validity of that method! But these were far more insidious. They were essay questions. And while there was always some room for interpretation, the Gromble flat-out refused to accept any statement that implied "I cannot answer this, as it is against my religious principles."

But he hadn't heard of these monsters at all. None of these scaring concepts were familiar to him and he didn't even get the luxury of a token sports-themed question where the answer would be "Slickis won this. He's my dad. Please go easy on his only son as requests for alumni donations are coming up soon. P.S. Red is really your color." Well, maybe he could still mention the donations. That had to be worth something.

The belch came before he could think of anything else to do. He scrunched down farther into his seat. Maybe the Gromble would just forget to collect the tests, and he could leave without any repurcussions! And, as long as he was dreaming, he'd like toenails to start falling from the sky, Zimbo to move to another continent, and girls to unanimously declare that glasses were the most hebopply accessory in the known universe.

"Ickis, where's your exam? I bought a new red pen, and I can't wait to break it in." The Gromble gleefully asserted. Tentatively, Ickis handed him the paper. The Gromble glanced at it briefly. "This is terrible. I've given you next week's exam by mistake." he murmured. Ickis fell over in a faint.

17. incredulous

"We're the cutest monsters you've ever seen, we are joyful and jolly and never mean, la la la la..." This chorus would haunt Ickis for days. Monsters weren't cute! They didn't eat lollipops or do any of the things that stupid theme park suggested! It was imperative that he destroy those rotten props, teach the humans the real meaning of fright! And he was just the monster to do it, not Krumm, not Oblina, not even his Dad could unleash the torrent of fury he'd planned for the humans. And it was GLORIOUS. They ran screaming, tripping over themselves even, in their hurry to leave the park. He overheard one of the distressed parents threatening to sue the theme park operator for the amount of trauma his kid had undergone. Trauma that he had caused! He felt like the greatest scarer in the world, better than Ultra Monster! He was the kind of monster humans would write legends about, and all the songs would mention dripping fangs and claws as sharp as dangers and there would be NO comparison to bunny rabbits, ever again. Things were going perfect, just perfect. He'd go back and scare them all again, show them that he meant business. What could possibly go wrong?

18. confident

"I don't like the way you talk to me. You act as if I couldn't frighten a baby human, but I'm better than that! I've saved your life multiple times! Who got you your job back when Balook the Grand Faloon fired you? I did! And yes, I'm aware he fired you AFTER seeing my scare, but I was really good out there. Krumm and Oblina were with me, and they couldn't scare the people in the dentist's office. That was my looming that terrified them! I'm terrific and I don't need you to put me down all the time. Do you know what it says on page 312 of the monster manual? It says 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.' I've never read a more inspiring quote in all my life!" Ickis roared. "And Krumm! It is not always about you! I know all the girls think you're amazing because you smell so horrible and seem so brave and even-tempered, but I've seen you every time you wimped out or got a swelled head. And I just want you to know... when you went to your dad's mold farm without me, it really hurt. I was combusting and you were my best friend. I thought you would stick by me to the end. Didn't I stay with you when you swallowed some helium and almost flew off into the sky? Didn't I find your eye when it rolled away, well okay, I suggested using it for batting practice, so that's probly NOT a good example, but you get the idea!" He took a deep breath. "I'm not stupid Oblina. Please stop treating me like a bonsty. Once a monster has crawled inside your stomach to evict a parasite, he deserves your respect and, I don't know, you'd think other feelings would develop from that..." he trailed off sadly. With a sigh, he turned to Fungus. "What do you think, boy? Should I tell them?" Fungus woofed happily, and the now fully grown bark-and-bite licked his face. Ickis laughed. "You're right. Now's not the time." he decided. But confidence was high.

19. fierce

Zimbo flew over to Ickis after class, ready to antagonize him once again. "Another pathetic failure, recorded on the Viewfinder for all prosperity. It never works out when you try to be like your father, does it?" he laughed.

"No." Ickis woefully admitted.

"Maybe you should find another role model. You could imitate your mother easily enough. All you'd need to do is lie down and play dead." Zimbo suggested cruelly.

Ickis snarled as he loomed far larger than he'd ever managed before, and he grabbed Zimbo by the wings and shook him back and forth menacingly. "Don't you EVER talk about her like that! I can overlook most of your abuse, but when you insult my parents, you are in for a world of pain. Say one more thing about either of them, and I will make you regret it everyday for the rest of your unnatural life. Understood?" he hissed.

Zimbo gulped and nodded acquiescence. This was a side of Ickis he'd never seen before, and with any luck, would never encounter again.

20. pouty

What exactly did Gludge have over him? He was muscular- sort of, he could loom to incredible heights, and with practice he could thrust his chest out and swagger heroically, just like Ultra Monster. And he was popular- sort of, at least that's what he told his Dad every time he wrote home, that the other monsters were noticing him more and more (if he left out that they noticed him messing up more and more, that was just because it wasn't essential news. A letter was s'posed to give a general impression about school, it was never intended to be a tell-all memoir). He had a deep, booming voice- sort of, it was definitively deep at times, when he wasn't nervous or worried or depressed. He couldn't help that his voice broke constantly. If he'd just been lucky enough to grow up all at once, then he'd be really impressive. Far too impressive to stay in school. He'd have to leave the dump and find his own home somewhere, save his own toenails, solve his own problems without any friends to help him. He sighed. Maybe it wasn't so bad to be young, but that didn't mean he had to like it -all- the time.

21. drunk

He'd never had "Bug Juice" before, but when Bradley offered a glass of what he claimed was the best beverage in the world, Ickis couldn't say no. And that's when things got weird...

The next twenty-four hours were a blur as Ickis staggered around in a daze. During class, he'd told the Gromble that "Frank N. Furter wantsh his shoes back" and asked Oblina "how many shtick-lips does it take to get to the sh-enter of my uni-versh?" He'd rebuffed their attempts to send him to the doctor, opting instead for a night on the town. There were numerous sightings among conspiracy theorists that evening, the most prominent claim being that a sentient rabbit-like creature (possibly a jackelope) had won a karaoke contest with a lively rendition of Sinatra's "New York, New York".

When Ickis woke up, he was resting on a pile of newspapers in Central Park. His head was pounding and his eyes were as red as if he'd been looming all night. He had no idea where the earring had come from.

22. rage

"Who's bad? I'm bad, bad bad bad bad BAD!" Simon roared as he taunted his captives. "I'm through trying to expose you little fiends on television. And besides they've taken a restraining order out on me. No, this time will be the last time! I'm going to DISECT you all. But which one should I start with? The blue medusa, the brown gopher, the green sea cucumber with horrible fashion sense, the overgrown bee, the lawn gnome, the candy cane, or the little bunny rabbit? I hate you most of all, you stupid, stupid bunny. At first I was going to kill you right away, so you'd be an example to the others. But now I think it would so much more satisfying to have you go last. That way you can watch them all die, one by one, knowing that you could have prevented it if only you weren't so pathetic. How does it feel to know you could have been a hero, but instead you were nothing. It hurts, doesn't it?"

Ickis clamped his jaws around the bars of the cage. Simon scoffed. "Do your worst, monster. That cage is reinforced steel. It will take a lot more than bunny-teeth to chew through that! Who's bad? I'm bad, bad bad bad bad BAD!"

Ickis spat out a piece of metal. One of his fangs fell out too, and rattled to the floor. "Yesh. But I'm -mad- and that'sh a lot worsh." he vowed.

23. sarcastic

"Master Ickis! Just the monster I've been looking for!" exclaimed the Gromble. "My sister is in town, and we've got so much catching up to do. She needs someone to watch Bomble for the day and since you two are already close, I recommended YOU as a bonsty-sitter."

"Oh sure. I love bonsty-sitting the little guy. It's one of my favorite activities, right up there with sandpapering my tongue and catching throwing knives blind-folded while riding a unicycle across a four-lane highway during rush hour." Ickis quipped.

"Glad to hear it. Here's his bonsty bag, and the name of the restaurant my sister and I are having lunch at, the same restaurant where I hope to NEVER hear that you've contacted. Have a good time with Ickis, my mouthy little nephew. By the way, his fangs are growing in, and he may be a little fussy." the Gromble casually stated as he dumped Bomble into Ickis' arms.

"WAAAAHHH!" Bomble howled, right in Ickis' ear. That was going to throb for weeks.

"You know, Bomble, sarcasm is wasted on your family." Ickis informed him.

24. disgusted

"I'm so glad I gave you another chance, Gromby." the Library monster happily commented.

"Me too, Miss... er, what was your name again?" the Gromble blushed awkwardly.

"Nesdak!" hissed Ickis. "Her name is Nesdak!"

"Well how I was s'posed to know that?" snapped the Gromble.

"You're dating her!" Ickis declared. "It should be one of the first things you notice, alongside the roughness of her skin and the musical lilt of her voice!"

"Her voice is musical?" asked the Gromble. Ickis slapped a paw against his forehead in frustration.

Nesdak giggled. "You have such a sense of humor. Ickis was right, there's more to you than just a lot of yelling and pointless extracurricular assignments."

"ICKIS!" the Gromble roared.

"Hey, I'm not the one who assigned a report on the evils of soap." Ickis protested.

"I love the way you care about proper hygeine." she whispered seductively. "I always considered good grooming to be a sign of verility." She planted a kiss on the Gromble's wrinkly cheek.

Ickis covered his face with his ears. "AAAAH! Why did I even want that to happen?" he cried.

25. ill

Slickis smiled as he playfully ruffled his son's fur. "It's nice to spend a little time together on winter break. I wish we could have days like this more often." he confessed.

"Yeah it's great hanging out with you. I can't wait to show you everything I learned in school. I'm a -much- better scarer now!" Ickis proclaimed.

"I'm sure you are." Slickis agreed.

"What are you saying, that I was a bad scarer before?" Ickis demanded.

"Now son, I never said that..." began Slickis.

"I'll prove it to you! I'm gonna scare the first group of humans I see, like, like..." Ickis looked around wildly. "Like that lovey-dovey ice skater couple!"

Slickis' eyes widened. "Ice skaters? You're not planning on looming on the frozen pond are you? Son, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Just watch me!" Ickis asserted as he leapt in front of the humans. "YAR-RAWRRR!" Blood dripped into his eyes as his fangs extended and his body swelled.

The humans screamed and immediately fled in the opposite direction. As Ickis watched them go, he remained riveted to the spot. "Ha! They were shaking in their skates! I really got them good! Have you ever heard a more wonderful sound in all your life, Dad?" Ickis was so busy gloating that he failed to notice the ever-increasing number of cracks on the ice or his father gesturing frantically for him to leave. "This is a day you'll never forget, when 'little Ickis' went down as-" KER-SPLOOSH! The ice finally broke.

With a sigh, Slickis grabbed a rotten tree branch and used it to pry his son out of the pond.

Ickis was shaking all over. "D-don't tell the Gr-gromble about that." he stammered. "Ahchoo!"

"There's nothing to tell." Slickis assured him. "Now whaddya say I go rustle up a mug of hot crude oil?"

Ickis sniffled. "Unleaded?" he asked hopefully.

"Absolutely!" promised Slickis.

~~~The End.

Author's Note: I'm sorry if this collection has a downer ending, it's just organized the same way as the Internet Art Meme was. Too bad for Ickis there was a preponderance of negative emotions suggested. At least Slickis showed up for the finale, and he's awesome. Be sure to tell me which scene was your favorite if you leave a review. (No way! Yes way!)