Did you know I began to write this in 2013, when I was 11 years old and stupid?

Probably about the 2013 part, probably not about my age.

I am 13, nearly 14, now, and people have asked me many times to finish this up. I have no idea why. I reread this, and it's a bunch of rubbish. So I procrastinated, and procrastinated, and wrote more Doctor Who fanfics to keep myself from feeling guilty. But I'm just about to publish my 50th story soon, and I told myself, screw this, I'm going to edit this and write an epilogue. A day later, I had put all the 'diary entries' into one chapter, and I began to work on the final part to resolve this. And it's slightly cracky, and includes gratuitous Whovian references, but I'm proud to have got through this. So, I'd like to throw a massive thank you out to:

'Guest' (yeah, all of you), Naddalemur4realzdistime, 44Lefty, Taladium567, IceDynamiteDragonflyStars, Juliegirl22, bkaddictjk, RapunzelInTheSnow, Harry Artemis Jackson, Unimportant, House Mech, amberdiangelo, Holly C Fowl/Captain Holly Sparrow, SirYellowPants, greatreader3, and Cynthia Darling.

Also, MrGoodyTwoShoes, although I hated your review at first, I think you had a valid point. You've actually been essential to my writing becoming much more serious over the last two years. Thank you.

BIG SHOUT OUT to keyson, who convinced me to finish this up. Although it took me about a year to do it... :-(

Ah, so. Without further ado, onto the story! Tell me if there are any mistakes, I will try to clear them up.

Lotsa Love,

Kitty

XOX

I have started typing this diary to track my feelings, and maybe when my talents are recognized at last, I can get it published so I won't have to do all those interviews and I can be at the parties instead. Anyway, on with the entry.

Today Butler called me on Artemis's phone, which was a bad sign from the start. Artemis would never let anyone use his things, and Butler looked a lot more haunted than usual. I have attached a transcript of our dialogue below.

Me: Hey Mud Man, what's up?

Butler: -

Me: Has something happened? Wait- Where's Artemis? Where's Holly? Where's that demon?

Butler: Gone.

Me: Gone? Where?

Butler: They disappeared. Into a glowing, red hole that warped.

Me (tapping out calculations on screen): Artemis thought of what I had been thinking of earlier.

Butler: Which was?

Me: If the temporal hole in the Time Stream had been collapsing, he must have gone back to fix it. (Pauses) Wait, how exactly did they get into that time stream?

Butler: He was trying to defuse a bomb, and Holly's wings collapsed under the weight of 3 other people. Then the 'time stream', as you call it, swallowed them up.

Me: Oh.

Wait, three other people?

Butler: Yes, Artemis, the little demon, and one other demon that the little one de-stoned.

Me: Oh. Okay.

(Beeping in the background)

Me: Uh-oh, Sool must have found out that I'm using an unauthorized line. I've really got to go. Bye Butler.

It wasn't until later that I realized I'd just called Butler by his name. But I didn't care. My best/only real friend was missing, maybe dead. How could I care?

And, said my subconscious. She didn't even buy you those crates of carrots.

Foaly

I was thinking about Holly last night, but nothing good. I kept picturing her getting mauled by angry demons, or falling off a cliff, or dissolving in the time stream. (For a complete list of my worries about Holly, head to my web site) My good sense told me I was just being silly, but my other bit of good sense told me that it was absolutely right to worry and that I should just stay home from work and cry.

Needless to say, I ignored my good sense.

When I headed into Section 8 HQ today, Vinyaya confronted me.

"Where is Holly?" she demanded.

"…um…" Fantastic, you idiot, I thought. Your wittiest line ever. "She's on… vacation? Yes, vacation."

I didn't want to tell her, but Vinyaya forced it out of me. She sat back, amazed, angry and sad, but mostly angry.

"And why didn't you contact me immediately? I am a busy elf, as you well know."

"…um…" I said again. That was beginning to become my catchphrase.

She dismissed me and I went to my office to pretend to do work, but in actuality chat with my buddy, Mulch Diggums.

TRANSCRIPT:

Blackstallion77: Hi.

DirtMuncher13: Hey Pony Boy.

Blackstallion77: Mulch, no time for that, something horrible has happened.

DirtMuncher13: What? Have your precious computers crashed? Or maybe IAE?

Blackstallion77: IAE?

DirtMuncher13: I Ate 'em.

Blackstallion77: WingGirl5 has gone.

DirtMuncher: What? Holly? Gone?

Blackstallion77: Yep.

Mulch disconnected and rang me. I explained, with quite a few 'umm's. I think I'll go to bed; I did too much explaining today.

Foaly

Dear Diary (I know this sounds human-ish, but it works),

Holly has been gone for two weeks now and I am getting depressed. Will she ever come back? Has she got mauled by some rouge demon? Am I just being paranoid?

Oh, I just got a v-mail from Mulch. It says: "Foaly, stop being paranoid and have a carrot."

Wow.

Has Mulch become psychic when I wasn't looking? Although dwarves have quite a few abilities that I don't know about. Hmmm.

Anyway, something really weird happened at the office today. I saw two pixies walking past today, and they looked so happy together, in actual love, like Artemis's parents. (I know this because I hacked Artemis's cameras and one was in his parent's room) I actually felt JEALOUS! How can that be? I'm the technical consultant of Section 8, how could I fall in love? Now I'm very confused, so I'll do what I do when I usually get confused: have a carrot and go to bed.

Foaly

Okay, I believe that evil spirits are haunting my house, because I wasn't a good enough friend to Holly. Call me crazy (everyone does, so it's okay), but it's true. Here's my account of what happened.

I was having a really bad day at work because no-one would talk to me, although I have no idea why. I mean, it's not my fault she left in a weird time portal (butler showed me pictures) that obviously was dangerous. Holly can be stupid that way.

Mulch came to see me, apparently to cheer me up, but he only made me more annoyed. I mean, it was good to exchange insults for a while, but when I have to do my work, it gets irritating.

Example:

Mulch: Hey, hoof man, what's that?

Me: It's a very special gas screen that blows up if you tamper with it.

Mulch: Really?

Pixie (coming in): Mr Foaly, we need a dozen of those special Neutrinos for Mission 118. They need to have...

Mulch: Don't you have better things to do than annoy us. (Burps)

Pixie: Well then, if you don't want me, I'll leave. (Exits)

Me: MULCH!

See what I mean?

I was so irritated that when I got home I didn't look where I was going. I accidentally tripped (four left hooves) and fell onto my patent pending non-slip cabinet where I hold all of my precious items. (Such as hoof polish my first hard drive, my old paintings of Haven, and most precious of all, my photo of Holly.

Needless to say, everything on it slipped off and broke.

It almost felt like my heart was breaking, my only holo-picture of my very best friend had broken. Maybe it's a sign that she's dead too?

No, don't think about it.

Hmmm.

I'd better have another carrot.

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,

I'm calming down a bit about the Evil Spirit Incident, although I still jump at the sounds of howling, which happens quite often. Why? One word: Mulch. Grrr. He is being awful! He's CENSORED He won't get out of my office, when I try to shove him out; he releases a bout of CENSORED flatulence. Look it up.

I keep on begging Vinyaya to set up a project to look for Holly and (I grit my teeth to say it) Artemis. I would never tell him, but I'm getting quite fond of the Mud Boy. He's grown on me, you know. Anyway, Vinyaya refused, saying it was too CENSORED expensive. I hate to admit it, but she's right.

I have an idea, though.

I'm going to raise money, like a fundraiser, to help Holly. I estimate it will cost over 12,000 ingots.

Wait a second.

That's way too CENSORED much to raise!

(Translators note: The rest of the FSB(Fairy Serial Bus) containing the fifth diary entry has been made unrecognizable by the following things: Tears, smashed bits, glass, acid, carrot shavings, fur, shampoo and bits of hard drive. The only bits of the diary left are as follows:

'I'm worthless, a failure, the worst friend, I should sha'

'ait, where's my carro'

'CENSORED'

'CENSORED frie'

'ENSOR'

'Foaly (Sob, sob, sob...)'

Draw your own conclusions.)

I wander around in the busy streets of Haven, moaning and griping about my dear lost friend, Holly. I know that she probably isn't dead, and I'm just being my usual paranoid self, but my brain doesn't think that. It's very anachronistic at times. I think an emoticon would be in order at this present time. :-(

Flashback: I call the number I know almost off by heart, dialing it virtually on my MyPad. It rings for a couple of seconds, and then an automated cheery voice informs me that: "Boo hoo. The number that you are calling is in another dimension at the moment and is not available..." It was about to go on, but I hang up, shocked. Not by the fact that the phone was in another dimension, of course it went with Artemis, but that the phone Kitty Eden had patented knew that...

I jerk myself out of the past as I clomp past the streets of low flying sprites just waiting to get speeding tickets. I call up LEPTraffic on my phone. They should really keep their eyes on the job.

There's a big screen plasma TV in the street so civilians can watch TV while going about their business. A newsflash pops up as I trot by, but I mostly ignore it. The pixie newsreader continues her report in a loud, brash voice. She apparently doesn't care what the Frond she's actually reading, but seems to be just there for the attention.

"And in the latest news, the now ex-commander of LEPrecon has been accused of treachery and willingness to let the lost eighth family of the fairies to die off-"

I flip around, all of my attention now on the screen.

"and actually said so in a v-memo, displayed here-"

A photo of a computer screen appears on the screen, which is kind of ironic given that the memo is displayed on an old-fashioned computer screen. I focus my attention on what the reader is saying, as I already know what the memo says, after I had hacked into the LEP memo files. They might as well have left out a door mat saying: "Please Hack Me!" and the access codes next to it.

She continues: "After this shocking news, the previously private and before that major Trouble was promoted to commander, since all the other captains, majors and the like all supported Sool's decisions. And here's Trouble with his opinion."

Trouble walks onto the screen to much virtual applause. "Thanks Avian," he says.
"Now, Trouble, what do you have to say about the ex-commander, Mr. Sool?"
He looks directly at the screen.
"If you're watching this, Sool, there'll be a Retrieval squad out for you in the first few hours I'm commander. You're a (bleep went the swear indicator) rotten pig, Sool, and if Holly Short never comes back, I'm blaming it on you."
"Okay," says the reader, apparently disconcerted. "And have you got any messages for the members of LEPrecon that you'll be commanding soon?"
"Yes," he replied, and it seemed in that one moment that he was looking right at me. "Foaly, I know you're listening, I put that screen there, come back to LEPrecon. We need someone to run the technical bits. And, Grub," he smiled here. "Go tell Mummy."

I rear back on my hooves and whinny loudly. Some civilians stop to look, but they can't see me anymore. I'm already on my way.

It was a normal day at the office, at least as normal as it can be without Holly there. All the normal officers were flitting past; glad to be back, like Foaly was, but they didn't know what it was like. He counted them and named them as they flitted, tunnelled, galloped and walked nervously down the hallway.

Commander Trouble, Chix Verbil, Mulch Diggums, Mayne, That Dumb Pixie Whose Name He Forgot, Wing Commander Vinyaya , The ghost of Julius Root-

Wait.

Foaly shook his head. He must have been imagining things. There was absolutely no way that Julius was here. He had died months ago. But the slightly transparent image of him remained. It revolved slightly in the air. A voice came on in the background.

"This was Commander Julius Root, one of the most celebrated commanders of the LEP…"

Of course, the LEPrecon was doing a series of shorts called: We Remember Them. Initiated by Trouble Kelp, of course. Foaly, of course, loved that idea. Or should that be: 'Of Horse'? Anyway, it was a fantastic way to pay respect.

Foaly clomped over to his office and booted up his computers. Hmmm. 5 seconds. They were slow today. A particular box caught his eye. He enlarged it and grinned with glee. He quickly sent off texts to everyone on his 'Gossip' mailing list and galloped off to watch the fun.

Chix Verbil viewed the message from Foaly with glee. He rose his body off the ground, forwarded the message to everyone in his inbox, and sped off to watch the fireworks.

Mulch Diggums viewed the text and did much the same, without the flying bit though.

And somewhere within the LEP building, someone was very angry at Foaly…

Everyone was heading towards the cafeteria, many had frankly no idea what was going on, but they were going anyway. The centaurs in the crowd actually had people clinging to their backs, which was a mortification that they'd never live down. Sprites had fairies with no wings, desperate to see what was going on, and there were tunnels popping up underneath the entire building, due to the dwarves underneath.

Mulch, Nord, Sherita, and Sherry were one of the aforementioned dwarves under the building. As a matter of fact, they were in a little hidey-hole underneath the place where Foaly, our 'hero' was standing. They had carved the place years before (actually, Sherry and Sherita had) and were now there waiting for the fireworks to start.

You of course know Mulch, a main character, and probably you know Nord, his cousin, who he had broken out of jail a few times previously. But you will not know Sherry and Sherita, who were a happily married couple of dwarves that Mulch and Nord knew from the Sozzled Parrot, a popular dwarf hangout and bragging post. 'Happily married' is not the usual description for a pair of dwarves, which have the delightful saying: 'If it's got gold, espouse it." But Sherry and Sherita were not your usual dwarves. They had met when they both robbed (or rather, tried to rob) a ship carrying precious metals. They didn't know that they weren't the only one robbing it, and it was love at first sight, as much as love can be when you're covered by mud. They were arrested, and married after 2 years of dating in the prison chapel. The bride's gown was beautiful, made of calico sack, and as soon as they kissed, they dived down into the ground and escaped. Strangely, no one bothered to recapture them.

And now they were both down there, waiting with their fellow dwarves, waiting for the fun bit to start.

Foaly, waiting in a long line to the cafeteria, stomped his hooves in impatience. Not all of them at once, of course. That would just be an extremely awkward bunny hop. He wasn't used to waiting in line as a technical expert, usually, he could just press a button and a mechanically orchestrated dinosaur'd clear the way for him. But this wasn't an ordinary line. Majors and Privates, even lunch maids alike were jumbled in the line. This was strange. Shouldn't the lunch maids be in the cafeteria? Maybe they were on lunch break. Anyway, Foaly scanned the crowd, looking for familiar faces. Strange. He couldn't see the commander of Grub Kelp. Foaly shrugged his extremely broad shoulders. It didn't matter. Just wait 'till the fireworks started…

Finally, everyone was in the cafeteria or mostly everyone anyway. No one noticed the people that weren't there. Everyone held their breath. Eventually they had to take another one, since nothing was happening. And another. And another.

Eventually, everyone started to file out, when Holly Short burst into the room.

"WHAT?!" everyone said simultaneously.

"Hi everyone," she said in a fake-sounding breathy voice. This didn't look like Holly, everyone thought. Simultaneously.

Trouble Kelp filed out behind Holly, looking smug.

"Right everyone, this is the substitute Holly for another short we're doing- pardon the pun- on We Remember Them," he said.

One brave sprite swooped down where she had been sitting in the rafters, and plucked off 'Holly's' wig to reveal…

…

…

…One very pissed- off looking Grub Kelp.

Instantly the place was in an outrage.

"Holly is not dead!" Foaly yelled.

And it was at that very moment it was that 4 dwarves tunnelled through the floor setting off the underground fireworks they had planted there earlier.

Dear Digital Diary,

What a day. What a day.

Mass hysteria, screaming, incessant twitching and the whole week off work.

And that was only one person.

After the fireworks had been set off, Mulch and his little dwarf friends ran around releasing their body odours and screaming things to the effect of:

"Wop like Ganam Style!"

"Dwarves rule, Grub's a fool!"

"Hi Holly!"

"Hey ja (For a complete list of things they said, buy the full copy of this book for Haven University, they'd be very glad to have their parking lots back.)

You get the picture. Luckily, I had my Super Big Remote Control-The-World Deluxe™ with me, patent pending, and I pushed the big red button…

Releasing a flurry of rainbow-colored balloons. That bit was extremely humiliating. I mean, is it my fault that I'm colour-blind? I had accidently hit the big purple button, which I mainly used for birthday parties and annoying Mulch. You know serious stuff. Luckily, everyone loved the bubbles, and it was enough to distract the dwarves. In fact, the bubbles somehow pulled Mulch back into the past, when Julius was still alive and we were trying to get information out of him.

Here's a video.

"You won't get anything out of me," Mulch says defiantly. Julius grins at him, which was a sure sign that things were about to get ugly.

"You aren't in the best position to say that, convict." He presses a button on the intercom. "Foaly? Send it in."

I come onto the screen, puffing as I push a huge box into Mulch's cell. Julius frowns.

"Don't you have techies to do this for you, Foaly?"

He's right. Usually I'd be trotting in with a smug grin on my face, (not really) expecting Julius to cry salty tears over my brilliantness while some lowly grunt puffed and brought my invention to my feet.

"The techies are sick," I admit. Julius frowns.

"Weren't they the ones that tried to make the convict talk?" I nod.

"CONVICT!" He turns to me. "Let's get this dwarf on the mudslide."

I grin and press a big purple button. Multi-coloured bubbles surround the dwarf. He screams. They are so bright that his retinas are damaging and his skin is burning…

Ah, good times. We got him and his slippery friends under lock and key in no time.

Signing off,

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,

Today was my day off, so Calibineand I went out for a jog around Haven's weather sim park. The pixie at the counter was being a bit difficult with us when we tried to get in.

"But there was never a fee on going to the weather park before!"

"New rules, centaur. This thing is gonna get demolished in a decade or so, otherwise, so if you wanna get in, pay up."

He held out his hand, clearly expecting me to hand over my credit card. Instead, I pulled out a small chip. He looked at it curiously.

"it's a new type of payment system," I explained. "Just hold it under the scanner like any other credit card."

Now, I like to think that I'm not a good liar because I am inclined to chiefly ways- I am completely honest! (sort of…) but this was desperate, okay? The chip was another one of my miraculous inventions, patent pending because of the electrocution danger. It actually did have money on it, so I wasn't that guilty. Anyway, the pixie slapped the chip under the scanner. I winced. I hate it when technology is abused. But the technology soon got its revenge. 1 second. Two seconds. Three.

Bzzztrucpct!

The pixie lay on the floor, gently steaming.

"I thought this was a no-smoking section of Haven," Calibine remarked as we stepped into the park.

"Ah well, I invented this place anyway."

We spent two happy hours playing in the leaves, snow, sun, rain and wind like little kids. You know the human saying 'Time Flies"? Well, that was certainly true. So, after I dropped Callie back, I went home for a bit of phishing. Mwah ha ha. I do love messing with human sites. I phished the following:

· Google, Google Plus, Google Images, YouTube and all other Google products;

· Wikipedia (I'd never liked it anyway);

· Something called FanFiction;

· WordPress and other blogging sites.

I'd just moved onto the smaller sites when I saw a certain site… Guns&Ammo&Weaponry dot com

Hmmm…

I opened up my browser and logged onto the Web Site. Sure enough, the name of the person who had started the site was called The Hunter's Guardian. That hint was so obvious that I wanted to bang my head against the keypad repeatedly.

More tomorrow…

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,

Yesterday was just turmoil of confusion and phishing. After I bandaged my head after banging it against the keyboard (I know, I should use a v-board instead, they're softer) I called Artemis's fairy communicator, or, more accurately, Butler's. He's using it to contact us since he can't do it any other way. And, an automated answering machine answered me.

"Hello, this is the home of someone very important. If you are prank calling, advertising, or just randomly dialing numbers I'd advise you to hang up at once,"a familiar voice informed me in menacing tones. "...or my bodyguard will come over and crush your head. Holly, Foaly," the voice took on a kinder tone. "If this is you, please leave a message after the tone. *BEEP*"

I quickly left a message.

"Hi Butler, call me back. This is Pony Boy," I added in case humans were tapping the line.

And then I waited. What follows is a transcript of what I did while I was waiting.

1.00- Sat and waited

1.10- Began to get twitchy.

1.15- Extremely twitchy.

1.20- Couldn't stand it any longer.

1.21- Screamed.

1.22- Still screaming.

1.40- Still screaming.

1.45- Calmed down

1.50- Still calming down.

2.00- Had a carrot.

2.05- ...and then the com link rang.

I picked up my virtual phone.

"Hey big man!" I whinnied.

"Foaly," Butler replied formally. "Why did you want to speak to me?"

I was momentarily stymied. Why did I want to talk to Butler? Then I remembered. Now, I hate the quotation marks, so I'm just going to put a transcript of our conversation here.

*BEEP* BEGIN TRANSCRIPT HERE... PRINTING... PRINTING...

Foaly- Do you happen to know anyone called 'Hunter's Guardian' or a name to that effect.

Butler- Ummm...

Foaly- Butler. Naughty, naughty, naughty.

Butler- What? I made sure that the site was secure.

Foaly- Butler. You know better than to go posting fairy weapons and technology blueprints online.

Butler- What?

Foaly- And for your information, it was not secured!

Butler- I didn't post it online!

Foaly- Wait a moment. You didn't?

Butler- No, I didn't!

Foaly- (Pauses) Then that means we're in big trouble.

Butler- And Artemis isn't here.

Foaly- Right. I'm sending up a shuttle to get you. It should be there in less than 12 hours.

Butler- I'll be packed.

*END TRANSCRIPT*

So, as you can see, we have a major crisis on my hands. Well, anyway, Butler's going to be here tomorrow. So, I'll inform the commander.

Carrot pie tonight! And carrot cake for dessert! Hey, ever noticed that 'desserts' is 'stressed' spelled backwards?

Signing off,

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,

This is not Foaly. This is his computer, doing an automated diary entry. This is what happened to him today.

He got up.

He yawned.

He got dressed.

He yawned.

He had a shower.

He yawned.

He made breakfast.

He yawned.

He ate breakfast.

He yawned.

He opened the door.

He…

(SYSTEM OVERRIDE)

Sorry, my computer is stupid sometimes. I am not away, but in fact was busy last night, doing tons of work. Here's my report.

Report 129681

"The Unauthorized Website of Fairy Things"

Evidence shows that a human or a fairy going undercover as a human has been posting secret fairy weaponry/technology online under the name: 'Hunter's Guardian'. The name Artemis means 'Hunter', as he has told us so many times, and the human's bodyguard is Butler. (Note: The human known as Artemis Fowl is missing in action, along with former Captain Holly Short and two demons. See files 755-800 for a brief summary.) Putting two and two together, we called up D. Butler and asked him- oh, for Frond's sake, let's call it what it was- interrogated him about his website. Butler was puzzled, and, when subjected to the Mesmer, he did not reveal anything. Further investigation needed.

So, there's my report. Trouble Kelp is flying out in a couple of days to investigate where the IP code came from- Hawaii, to be exact. I'm busy preparing a mission kit for him.

I've got a contents list pasted out here…

1 shimmer suit. New version

Koboi DoubleDex. (I hate to, but that's the only pair of wings left)

Medical set.

Human disguiser. My new invention!

Magic flow regulator. So you don't run out of magic too quickly…

Mobile HQ.

Cham pod.

A lot of other stuff…

So? I think that's enough. And in case you were wondering, here's how the human disguiser works…

First, you select how you want to look. There's a bunch of styles and you can add on tattoos, earrings that type of stuff.

Then, hair stylin' time! That's always the fun part.

You can also shop in shops around the surface of the world to get a perfect fashion. I'm thinking of designing it so kids can shop and earn coins so they can buy more stuff… anyway.

You then strap it to your head… and press the button! Presto! A hologram pops up! And you now look like a human. Pretty cool now!

Bye for now got to get to work…

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,
What a day. WHAT A DAY. The Hawaii mission was an absolute disaster, and it'll take years to clear up the red tape. I mean, the Fowl incident was bad enough, but...
Anyway. The LEP has a new problem on their hands, called Jade Winstey. She is a really bad problem of a pixie, but that's it. She's not smart. Well, I'd better give you the mission details.

Mission 7689, LEPrecon

See Report 129681 for background details.

Officer Trouble Kelp arrived at the mission destination (Hawaii) with no incident, apart from a stray dolphin leaping up and attempting to nip him. (Don't ask.) When Kelp touched down, a local's poison dart skimmed him. It did not cause injury, due to his new issue shimmer suit, but it was intentionally aimed, and Kelp had his shield up. This led him (and us) to conclude that the aimer was a fairy, and so curled up in a ball to minimise his target. The aimer then stepped into the open, revealing herself to be an escaped fairy fugitive, Jade Winstey. Officer Kelp then proceeded to capture her, bind her magic, and bring her back to the LEP for questioning. At least, that's what he tried to do. In reality, as soon as he tried to tranquilise her, an odd shimmer appeared in the air, which deflected the trank. Then, when he tried the Neutrino 4000, it bounced back, and knocked him out. He was then bound, gagged, and left in a tree for Retrieval to find 4 human hours later.

See? This is the type of thing I have to deal with every day. Now I'm busy digging up every file I can find on Jade Winstey. She's a fairly evil pixie, and if Opal Koboi is 10 and Mulch is 1 on the evil scale, Jade would be 6. She's severely lacking in the intelligence department, however, so she has asked Opal on several counts to create plans for her. But Opal is safely locked up in her cell. See, here's the feed!

Opal sits on the bed in her tiny cell, looking at the wall. She rises.

"I know you're watching, Foaly! Someday I'll get out! But I'm out of plans, now!"

I think that classifies. But earlier this day, Mulch and Doodah came in. They have big plans, apparently.

Mulch: Hey Pony Boy, can we have a second?

Doodah: Yeah, we have something important to tell you!

Mulch: We're restarting the detective business!
Me: But what about Holly?

Doodah: I'm taking over from the elf girl.

Me: (laughs) You?

Doodah: Yes, what's wrong with me?

Me: Well, you've barely got a brain cell between the two of you! How are you supposed to catch criminals!

Mulch: Hey, that's not very fair. Who's saved your skin all those times?

Me: Good point, but still! The pixie!

Doodah: That's not very fair, either! I bet I could understand quantum physics if I had the time!

…and that's why Doodah's coming in every Wednesday to take quantum physics lessons from me. Anyway. Continuing…

Mulch: Anyway, donkey, we came in here to find someone to hunt.

Me: (still laughing) Well, if you insist…

And I pushed the file of Jade across the table to them. If they find her, I will personally give Mulch that medal that he's been aiming at since the Opal incident.

Signing off for my evening carrot,

Foaly

Dear Digital Diary,

I'm back. After three months. Which is slightly annoying, but at least I'm back, right? It's the thought that counts.

Ahem. Now for the abridged version.

I got kidnapped by deranged Doctor Who fangirls bent on turning the world into a massive TARDIS exhibit. I escaped, found out that Jade Winstey was behind it, and managed to defeat her with my extreme pony ninja skills.

After I had got back to LEPrecon, I found out that the fund to rescue Holly had been completed in some strange effect everyone called 'The Extreme Plot Hole of 2015' and Holly, Artemis, and a large collection of demons had returns. Oh, happy day! My best friend is back!

Oh yeah. I got married sometime in between. But that's not really important because my best friend is back!

I don't think I need this diary any more.

Signing off, for the very last time,

Foaly.

XOX

"So," began Holly, crossing her legs and wrapping her fingers around a mug of sim-tea. "What did you do all that time when we were gone?"

Foaly considered for a moment. "Mostly? I wrote."

"You wrote." Holly took a sip of her tea, and somehow made that action seem sarcastic. "Somehow I don't believe that."

Foaly frowned at her. "Also, I saved the world several times, taught Doodah Day some quantum physics, and became extremely adept at the art of carrot jokes."

Holly snorted into her tea. "Right."

"No, I'm serious!" he protested. Ah, it's good to have her back.

"If you're so good at carrot jokes, tell me one now."

Foaly thought for a moment. "Okay, I've got one."

"Go right ahead."

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Carrot."

"Oh god," Holly groaned. "Not this one again."

Finis.