Loops
by Somebodylost
Loop # 788: Variety is the Spice of Life: Famous Last Words
Itachi felt his insides churning up to his mouth, forcing him to cough. Putting a hand to his mouth to muffle his hacks, he was dismayed to find out through his blurry vision that it was bloodied when he held it out.
Some explosions rocked him away from his thoughts, prompting to him look up. Susanoo flared around him, and a few feet away Sasuke was looking at him with the Uchiha version of a frightened expression, backed against the wall.
Itachi instantly remembered where he was, or rather, what was happening: he was dying.
Oh, COME ON, he thought, irked, not this again...
He hated resetting to a mid-dying point, particularly this one, for a couple of reasons:
One: it was extremely painful - his insides felt like it was constantly exploding from Deidara's C4.
Two: it was incredibly boring. All mid-dying loops are very short, since the least time loops can last is one minute, giving him a short time before he dies, resetting the loop.
So whenever he resets at one of these, all the things that he can only do normally are: cough, walk, poke, speak, meet wall, die, fall. What a waste of time.
Boring...
(If he was Sakura or Nozomu, he would have extended the o's and the i's.)
The other mid-dying loop wasn't as painful though, since he was in Edo Tensei mode, although the process was a bit similar: walk, show memories, grab brother's head, speak, fly and/or die. Though there was a leeway at the part where he shows Sasuke his memories; there, he could play with time and his brother's sanity.
Itachi grumbled. Why was Kami playing with him? It's not like he did anything wrong... except kill his family, mind-rape a lot of people, kill a bunch of other people...
Ah, whatever.
… At least he was never unfaithful to his wife...
Itachi, in pain and incredibly bored, resignedly sucked it up, huffed, and started limping towards his brother, who backed further into the wall, throwing more exploding tags. Itachi's mind was racing a mile per second, already wondering what job he should take in the next loop as his Susan-chan (a nickname that Sakura came up with in a moment of boredom and brilliance) deflected the projectiles.
Let's get this over with...
Sasuke, meanwhile, was frozen as usual. Itachi raised his hands slowly for dramatic effect (and because the pain was weighing his arm down anyway), completely prepared to hit his target. He paused briefly, wondering what famous 'last words' he should say now...
… He had to make it count; after all, he is dying, right?
Loop #0
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, smiling. "I'm sorry little brother, but this is the last time."
Loop …?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, forcing a smile. "The clan was attempting a coup; I was ordered to wipe them out."
Loop …?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, frowning. "I will be very disappointed in you if you truly join Akatsuki."
Loop …?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, a blank expression on his face. "Whatever happens, don't blame Konoha."
Loop …?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, exasperated. "Tobi will lie to you."
Loop 180
"Tobi is not Madara," Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, tired.
Loop 181
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead hard. "Congratulations Sasuke. You broke all bonds. Now, you're just like me."
Loop 182
Itachi poked Sasuke's nostrils. "If you join Akatsuki, it will prove Sakura's theory that all the smarts went to me and our parents left none to you."
Loop 183
Itachi limped towards Sasuke, saying "Tell Tobi that he's a sissy and a delusional madman, and that he should get over Rin." Then he skipped poking Sasuke's forehead and went straight for the wall, mumbling,"She never loved him anyway."
Loop 184
"Okay, this is just getting irritating..."
Loop ...?
Itachi was unimaginative. "You had me at hello."
Loop ...?
Itachi reached out one hand like a ghoul, the other below his face holding a flashlight. "Your eyes... they're mine... my own... my preciousssssss..."
Loop ...?
"Live forth and multiply." Itachi gave Sasuke his blessing.
Loop ...?
"... You ungrateful brat." Itachi punched the punk with Susan-chan.
(He just came from a loop where Sasuke shoved Chidori to Sakura's chest, ending that loop.)
Loop ...?
"You were my brother, Sasuke. I loved you." Itachi kicked Sasuke's shin.
Loop ...?
"I'm dying, dattebayo." Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead.
Loop ...?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead. "Little brother, I'm mad, the Clan was mad, Tobito's mad, you're mad; what can you say to that?"
This, for some reason, broke Sasuke off his stupor. "Don't compare me to you!"
"Sasuke," Itachi sighed tiredly, wanting to die already, "listen and listen well: I wumbo, you wumbo, everybody wumbo. You're currently wumbo-ing, practicing wumbology, the study of wumbo."
Loop ...?
"Don't harm you ever harm Haruno Sakura, or else I won't speak to you the next time we meet." Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead.
Loop ...?
"These fingers will pierce the heavens!" Itachi poked his fingers towards the heavens, imagining a drill in his hand.
Loop ...?
"... Are you gay?" Itachi asked in horror, having finally come to terms to this fact when Sakura showed him some evidence in the last loop.
"..." Sasuke was still in la-la land.
"..." Itachi stared.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
Itachi finally collapsed, dying without knowing the answer.
Loop ...?
"I am not the Itachi that you're looking for." Itachi waved a hand grandly in front of his brother's face.
Loop ...?
"Don't... get raped by Kabuto," Itachi warned, putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Actually, don't get raped at all."
Loop...?
"Little brother, when I told you to live unsightly, I did not mean it literally." Itachi shook his head disapprovingly.
Loop...?
"The Emo Force is strong in this one." Itachi nodded approvingly, patting Sasuke's head.
Loop...?
"My Zetsu-senses are tingling." Itachi flipped a finger off the air towards Zetsu's direction.
Loop ...?
"You were so cute before!" Itachi gushed, pinching Sasuke's cheeks. "What happened?"
Loop ...?
Itachi grabbed Sasuke's shoulders, staring intently into his brother's eyes. "You know, in the ending of Icha Icha Tactics, Junko managed to get it on with the two sisters in the same bed at the same time by... "
Loop ...?
"This hand of mine glows with an awesome power!" Itachi jabbed Sasuke's chest with a non-fatal Jyuuken.
Loop ...?
"Tell Naruto that you're not gay so that he can get a new hobby aside from chasing after you." Itachi patted Sasuke's shoulder.
Loop ...?
Itachi poke Sasuke's shoulder, smirking. "Tell Danzo that Koharu is cheating on him since his fifty-seventh birthday."
Loop ...?
"HAHAHA, you should see the look on your face!"
Itachi fell to the floor, wheezing. He died with a lunatic smile on his face.
Loop ...?
Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead. "Did you know that Father gave me your Tomato-chan stuffed toy as Katon target practice?"
Loop ...?
"Keep your Flames of Youth burning brightly."
Itachi summoned the last dredges of chakra to create one of the most powerful genjutsu behind him: a setting sunset with waves crashing on sun-drenched rocks.
Then he gave a Nice Guy Pose.
(Later, as Sakura healed him in secret, she said that Tobi never managed to influence Sasuke because his brother fell into a coma. Itachi was disturbed to find out that Sakura was the first to suggest euthanasia.)
Loop...?
"You'll never me take alive!" Itachi grabbed Sasuke's shoulder, shaking the boy wildly as he screamed in Zetsu's direction. "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"
Loop...?
"Learn the three most powerful techniques and use them well: A Thousand Years of Pain, Sexy no Jutsu, Harem no Jutsu." Itachi nodded importantly.
Loop...?
"Help them Sasuke," Itachi grabbed Sasuke's shoulder imploringly, "you are their only hope."
Loop...?
"Sasuke, why so serious?" Itachi contemplated whether to make his finger 'disappear' or not...
Loop...?
"Unlike you," Itachi poked Sasuke's chest, "I make the Akatsuki cloak look good."
Loop...?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"... Sorry Sasuke. I can't see well, you see?"
"YOU BASTARD!"
"It was an accident."
"I'M BLIND!"
"... I didn't really mean to poke your eyeballs in..."
(He really didn't, but Sakura refused to believe otherwise.)
Loop ...?
"Tell Tobi that if I wasn't so sick," Itachi flicked Sasuke's nose, "I would've been able to school his ass."
Loop ...?
"I LOVE MY WIFE!"
Loop ...?
"Seriously, " poke, "what," poke, "were," poke, "you," poke, "thinking," poke, "joining," poke, "that," poke, "snake," poke, "pedophile..." poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke...
Loop ...?
"Tell Kabuto that he's creepy enough as it is, even without his Dragon Sage form." Itachi poked Sasuke's head, changing the Tsukiyomi trigger from seeing Tobito's Sharingan to seeing Kabuto's eyes.
Loop ...?
"Tell Karin that she should really open her eyes and see that she's perfect for Suigetsu."
(… Itachi ran out of things to say about Sasuke at that loop.)
Loop ...?
"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAHA- " cough " – HAHAHAHA- " wheeze " – HAAHAHA-" gurgle " – AHAHAHA- " hack " – AHHAAHEEEHEEEHEETEEHEE...!"
Loop #653:
"Tell Juugo that he should really pursue baking."
(Nobody knew that Juugo was such an excellent baker until the couple managed to recruit Juugo to work in their restaurant before Orochimaru managed to get him).
Loop #655:
"Give me that ass-bow." Itachi forcibly tore the purple ass-bow, ignoring Sasuke's pants as they fell. He proceeded to incinerate the offending fashion faux-paus with Amaterasu.
Itachi smiled at a job well done. Then he noticed that Sasuke was staring at him.
He stared back. His gaze drifted a long moment, he spoke, careful not to offend the already unhinged Uchiha.
"... Remember, little brother: technique is better than size..."
Loop #656:
Itachi didn't know if it was the loops, his wife's insanity rubbing off on him, or if he really was psychotic as everybody believes, but he had to know.
He wanted to ask Sasuke since Sakura brought up the damning evidence of the alarming high possibility of how his little brother could end up like that in most of the loops, but since he procrastinated on the subject, resetting at this point in time repeatedly in four successive loops felt like a wake-up bitch-slap to the face. So he would ask now.
"Sasuke, be honest; really honest: are you... in denial?" Itachi began tentatively, "Do you have the hots for me? If not, why in the world did you waste your life chasing after me?" Itachi was already five meters away by the last question, afraid of the answer.
Sasuke snapped from his daze. "W-wha?" he spluttered, turning red, barely catching his awareness back. The adrenaline proceeded to slow down as he realized that Itachi wasn't taking his eyes.
Itachi, mistakenly taking his brother's spluttering as a defense mechanism to hide his shame, ambled away in horror. "No..."
(After the Massacre in the next loop, Itachi stayed in Konoha and educated his brother. The Elders were not pleased.)
Loop ...?
Itachi poked Sasuke's head, a serious look on his face. "And I say..."
He proceeded to throw his head in time to a rhythm he can only hear, singing in a high falsetto, "~HEY~YEAH~EYEA~YEAH~YEAH~!"
Loop ...?
"...I give up."Itachi resignedly put a hand on his brother's shoulder. Sasuke perked up, thinking that his brother will finally acknowledge him.
"You can date other men."
Loop ...?
"You SUCKER! I can't believe that you fell for that I'm-a-psycho-act for seven years! AHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEEEA– "
Needless to say, Itachi died laughing.
… And he really can't think of anything to say this time.
Itachi pulled his hand back. He stared at Sasuke.
Sasuke stared back.
"..."
"..."
Itachi carefully lowered himself to the ground, laying, still eying at his brother. When no move was made, he made a one-hand seal suicide jutsu (one of the many that Sakura created), which will effectively stop his heart but at the same time kill his nervous system, making it painless.
Sasuke was still staring.
Itachi's eyelids started to droop.
Suddenly, as his vision swirled with the darkness, a thought jolted him back to the living for a brief half-second:
WAIT! I finally figured out what to say... damn it...
.
.
Author's Notes/Ramblings:
~ As you can see, Itachi's famous 'last words' gradually became crack-ier as time went by. Also, one can consider them as 'famous last words' because those were the words Saucecakes usually last heard from Itachi.
~ I hope you can figure out the shout-outs!
But the question is, how does Itachi know about those AU stuff? Ah, well, you see there were some loops that...
~ Itachi was extremely amused that Susanoo was nicknamed Susan-chan. Hey, when you've got time, everything amuses you, even if you look stupid for doing so. Needless to say, the couple doesn't care what other people care anymore.
~ Sasuke is not really gay. Weeeeeeeeeeeell... there might be loops were Itachi damaged him psychologically with 72 hours' of fangirl exposure...
I don't have anything against Sauce-cakes, but writing him emo-less and as a not-the-butt-of-jokes is HARD! I will try though...
~ Not all the loops shown started at a mid-dying point and not all of them took place in the Uchiha hideout. Of course, as the loopers grew more experienced, they became able to avoid Itachi from dying, except on instances when the loops make it too late to do so. Also, although Itachi often delivered the poke-then-fall-speech in those loops mentioned above, it didn't mean that he always died afterwards.
~ Have ideas? Lemme hear 'em!
Thanks for ze support!
~ Lost-chan