Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc belong to the Tolkein Estate and New Line Cinema. Even me. They own my brain.

The 15th Member

or

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sue

They had no idea what strange land she came from, or how she came to be at the entrance to the forest-track into Mirkwood. By the bewildered look on her face, neither did she. There had been some debate as to whether or not the strange apparition was even a she in the first place. Its hair was suspiciously short for a lady-type and it wore trousers. Gandalf was somehow able to identify it as female, although how he was able to ascertain that fact, none of the company knew.

She was an odd creature. Aside from her decidedly unfeminine short hair, her trousers were of a strange yet durable looking blue material unlike anything any of them had ever seen. Her orange coat was also of an unknown substance that seemed to be waterproof. The warm hat covering her ears and most of her hair seemed to be the most normal article of clothing she wore. When asked who she was, she responded in a rapid string of some arcane language that was unknown even to the wizard.

"Wehr am eye?! Hoo arr yoo? Wutts goheeng awn?!"

"Was that some sort of spell or something?" asked Ori fearfully. He and his brothers had suspected that she was some kind of witch.

"Nonsense. I would have stopped her if she was casting a spell," said Gandalf, apparently annoyed that anyone should assume that he could not stop a spell from someone who was not even a fellow wizard, strange though she was.

"She was silent for so long," Thorin said, always wary, "Why would she choose to speak now? Where is she from? How can we be certain she is not an enemy?"

"I don't think orcs and goblins and the like send out Men-women to attack armed Dwarves," said Bofur cheerfully, nodding in a friendly manner at the stranger, who stared at him as if he had suggested that the company roast her alive.

"I don't think she is a woman of Men," Bilbo spoke up, "Her dress isn't like any people of Men I've ever read about and she speaks no language of Men that I have ever heard of, and believe me I have quite an extensive library. Maybe she's a rather tall Dwarf-lady?"

"Absolutely not," Thorin grumbled, "I'll say this in her defense though, she is certainly no Elf."

"Shouldn't we be moving on instead of arguing about the woman? ...if it is a woman. We're wasting precious time. Durin's Day is approaching," Dwalin said, crossing his arms in impatience.

"Oh, I dunno," Fili piped up, "It might be nice having a person of the fairer sex along for the journey," he winked at the stranger, who blanched.

"She's fair if you like acne and a plain face, stoutness and slight facial hair aside," the latter two traits being considered desirable qualities amongst Dwarves, "I say we've got enough problems as is without dragging along some girly who has no battle or survival experience, so far as we know, and doesn't even speak the Common Tongue. Just some gobbledegook that sounds more like a bird gargling water than actual speech," replied Dwalin, ever blunt.

"She'd make a change from having to resort to looking at Bombur's chest," said Kili.

Bofur gagged, "Don't joke like that!" Bombur himself merely shrugged.

"I still say she's some sorta witch," Dori said, "What other kinda lady do you find in front of the woods dressed all odd and speakin' nonsense?"

Nori nodded, "We should at least see if we can do her a favor so she'll grant us good luck or give us somethin' nice for our journey. Don't witches usually give you somethin' nice if you do 'em a favor?"

"Silence!" Gandalf yelled, "Enough foolish chatter. There is only one thing that can be done."

It was agreed upon. Despite several younger members of the company liking the idea of a lady-type around, even a decidedly plain-looking lady-type, and Ori, Nori, and Dori believing that they should at least see if she could give them a good luck charm or magic talismans for giving her lunch or something, it was generally agreed that the most responsible decision would be for Gandalf to drop her off at a village of Men in his ride out West.

She was promptly put to work scrubbing floors at an inn, and became the greatest Scrubber of Floors Arda had ever known.

Due to her short time among the company and seeing as she did not fit in well with the rest of his narrative, Bilbo decided to not include her in his written account of his journeys. At most, she was an anthropological curiosity. It was not as if she was important or necessary in any way.

And thus ends my exciting part as a member of the company. We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know wheeeeen...

I love Vera Lynn.