Chapter 8:

July 1997

"Come on, Zoe, give, just tell me one," he asked.

She stared at him over the textbook of Torts she had been skimming for an exam the next day. She shook her head. "I don't have time for dreams or fantasies," she grumbled, obviously hedging. She had never believed in dreams before, at least, until she had met him.

"You're such a liar," he whispered as he took her book and tossed it on the floor and pulled her into his arms.

She bit her lip, with a thought that his question was bordering on ridiculous. "Fine, X or G rated?" she asked as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Let's keep it simple, I already know what x-rated fantasies you have. . ." he said as he trailed his finger down her chest. "Whatever you want to tell me, something you haven't told anyone, even Jaime."

"Oooh, that's a tough one, Jamie knows everything about me. In fact, she knows more about my x-rated fantasies than you do," Zoe teased; hitting her mark when she looked up and saw the wide-eyed, shocked at the same time hopeful look on his face. "And no. No threesomes. I'm keeping Jamie to myself."

"Come on, tell me, or I'm going to have to resort to some torture . . ." he said as he stuck his finger up and wiggled it, ". . . I can tickle with the best of them, even Elmo doesn't stand a chance."

This is ridiculous, she thought. Taking a deep breath, she admitted. "I've always dreamed of having a home, a family; the American dream, maybe a puppy even. Some place homey, but not in the 'burbs."

Evan gave her a smile that temporarily stopped her heart. "Tell me more," he asked too sweetly she couldn't say no.

"I don't know," she started, "I dream of happily ever after," she said smiling wistfully. "I want that when I come home, I know someone will be there, happy to see me."

She watched his face as a look of recognition came over him. "You want kids." He knew her all to well. In the six short months they had spent together, he knew everything about her.

She looked down, her cheeks turning pink. "Someday," she whispered. "I want someone to love me, no matter what I do wrong."

Evan pressed his lips against her ear. "I do."

2012

"Hey," Zoe said warmly as she entered the safe house.

"Hey," Evan replied softly, looking down at her.

He stretched his hand out to her; she took it and joined him on the window looking out into the night. They stood in shared silence as he continued holding her hand, gently rubbing his thumb across her skin. After a while, Evan smiled a sad smile and spoke.

"I don't suppose you'd consider . . . "

Just as poignantly she smiled and he sighed. She turned to him and tenderly cupped his cheek; she looked directly into his eyes and said, "My life, what little of it you've seen in the past few days may not seem like much." Blowing a breath out, she continued. "But it's my life. The life I want to lead today. There are so many things I can't or won't leave behind." Immediately she thought of Katie, the Wilsons and especially John. They became the family she had dreamed about. It may not be a family in the traditional sense, but it was hers; unique in every way.

He agreed and shut his eyes. She memorized every inch of his gorgeous face, every groove and outline then continued, "You have your son, safe. Think about him and put him first." Smiling she added, "You're going to be together full time now, you and Jacob have each other."

Shaking his head, Evan sighed and sadly said, "I'm sorry about our son. I wish I could have been here for you."

Putting two fingers on his lips, she shushed him softly. "It's okay. For the longest time I was so angry. At you, at life, at whatever powers that be that kept throwing these maddening curve balls at me." She smiled ruefully.

"But I realized that those curve balls made me the person I am now. I'm a strong person, Evan. I'm a good person. People still think I'm a bitch, but you know what? It doesn't matter anymore." She put a hand to her chest, "Inside, I know who I am. I may regret the pain and the loss, but I don't ever regret the decisions I've made. Not one."

Turning even more serious he asked, "But are you happy?"

Zoe gave a dazzling smile Evan had rarely seen. "I can honestly say yes. Yes, I'm happy, I have people I care about around me and I know they care about me."

"You still can't say it, can you?" Evan asked.

"Say what?" Zoe asked confused.

"Love. When we were together, you never said it except to wish for it."

"Just because I didn't say it, it doesn't mean I didn't feel it." Evan should have known her well enough to understand that it wasn't what was said that mattered to her, but what was done. Love was just a word to Zoe. Words were sometimes just empty promises or meaningless lies and the words that did have value were invariably used against you.

Zoe paused for a bit, letting Evan absorb what she was saying. "This is a good thing for you and Jacob. I want good things for you too Evan, because I loved you."

The look Evan gave her was a combination of surprise, awe, happiness, and pain all at once. "I loved you too Zoe," he said.

Sadly, she thought that he hadn't loved her enough because he never came back.

They remained in silence as they drove to the small cemetery hidden away in a little known section of Yonkers. It was very peaceful there, she had chosen it years ago specifically for that purpose. Her hands moved protectively over her belly, a twinge surrounding the sensation of emptiness and loss.

She pointed to the right back corner of the cemetery. "He's over there."

Climbing out of the car, they walked, loosely holding hands towards the perfect spot for her perfect little boy. There was a simple headstone above the grave, marking it.

Kneeling next to the headstone, she traced his name with her fingers.

John Joseph Morgan

Beloved Son

Born: February 17, 1998

Died: February 17, 1998

Her eyes darted to her companion. "Ironic isn't it? I always liked the name John. It sounded strong."

She wanted to thank John for taking her here. This was the best thing for her at the moment. Saying hello to the son she almost had. Leave it to John to know what she needed and when and to just let her be. No explanations necessary.

Her head rested on the cool surface of the headstone. "Hi Baby. It's your momma," she whispered, a single tear falling onto the headstone. "It's been awhile, I know. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe. I wish I could have seen you grow up to be a young man." Her eyes shut and she forced her tears back. "I wish I could have had more than a few hours with you."

She reached out a hand to John and was relieved when he took hers. "This is my friend John, Baby. I want you to watch over him for me okay? He's very special, and momma would be very sad if something happened to him."