A/N: May I recommended re-reading the last few chapters, just to bring you up to speed with the scene here. If you'd rather get down into it straight away I've summed up the story (quite poorly I might add) below.

Previously on Fun with Idle Threats…

Set during the Season 3 mid-year hiatus, right before the Dixon brothers escaped Woodbury. Glenn, worrying about Axel's sudden unwelcome interest in Carol, told the inmate that she was with both of the Dixon brothers in a bid to keep the other man away. To help keep Axel occupied Team Prison is embracing the lie. Glenn and the older Dixon form an unlikely alliance and an unusual friendship during this time. The biggest Caryler is none other than Merle Dixon who wants nothing more than to see his baby brother happy. When Glenn jokingly tells Merle that Carol is pregnant, Merle takes it upon himself to announce to everyone that his brother will be tying the knot with the woman baking a Dixon bun in her oven. Carol storms off after having enough of Merle's antics for the day and Daryl shortly follows, leaving the older Dixon sitting by himself in the middle of the mess hall.

And now back to you regularly scheduled programing…

This was just plain fucking bullshit.

Merle sat alone at the metal table, watching his brother stomp off in the direction Carol had retreated in not five minutes ago. It figured that the pussy-whipped little bitch would trot along after her like a well-trained pup. Only problem with that analogy was that Darylina hadn't even dipped his pen in that inkwell yet, so there weren't no way the dumbass could honestly be pussy-whipped. The world had gone to hell, society had fallen down the rabbit hole and that boy still couldn't get his head outta his ass long enough to get himself laid.

It was a Goddamn tragedy. Now, if Carol had shown even the slightest hint of interest in the older Dixon brother the deal would have been sealed long ago.

Daryl wasn't getting any but he was still trailing after that woman. Merle had no idea how Carol managed to get the boy under her thumb like that but one thing was for damn sure; that woman deserved respect. Hell, she deserved to be made an honorary Dixon.

Watching Daryl run after that woman was entertaining sure, but it was also frustrating. If that boy was half as apt at picking up the signals that woman was throwing off as he was at tracking game those two would have been fucking by now.

Merle chewed his lunch slowly as he kept his gaze on the far doorway that Daryl had disappeared though not two minutes ago. The creak on the stairs said the boy was following Carol's orders and headed up to his perch to rest, but the older Dixon suspected that this baby brother's retreat had less to do with following the woman's orders and everything to do with wanting to keep by her.

The boy was sure acting like a trained pup; his hackles all up over some other dog sniffing around his turf.

This was like babysitting a kindergartener for Christ's sake! His baby brother was a grown-ass man; he could gut a deer or kill a walker no problem, but put a willing woman in front of the boy and he couldn't tell her tits from her toes, and there was no doubt in Merle's mind that Carol was willing. The woman might as well been wearing a neon sign flashing 'Open for business'. Sure Daryl didn't have the old Dixon charm like what Merle had in spades and the kid was an ugly son-of-a-bitch compared to his big brother, but the fact he had Dixon blood swirling through his views had to account for something! Watching that boy tip-toe around Carol was like watching a car crash; you knew it'd be awful but still you couldn't look away from the carnage.

There was only so much Merle Dixon could put up with before he just locked those two in a cell, threw away the key and waited for nature to take its course.

In fact, that sounded like a damn good idea. If those two didn't manage to pull their heads out of their asses before too long and see what was staring them in the face the older Dixon was sorely tempted to just lock them in one of those cell's over in 'D' block together until they reached an understanding. Merle was not in the business of wasting his valuable time. There was a hell of a lot more he could be doing to pass the day besides watching his brother failing to pick up on the signals the spitfire was sending off. A blind man would be able to see what was brewing there for fucks sake!

Damn kid may as well chop his dick off for all the good it was doing him. Didn't look like he was planning to use it anytime soon with Carol, that was for damn sure. Daryl may have claimed he wasn't a virgin, but the way he was around her Merle doubted the boy had any experience with women that extended past their Pa's worn-out VHS collection.

Now that Daryl and the honorary Dixon had gone Merle was left alone at the mess hall table, despite being surrounded by a sea of people. Wasn't the first time folks had given a Dixon a wide berth and it sure wasn't gonna be the last neither. Especially the wet blankets calling the prison their home. It was amazing some of these folks had managed to outrun walkers at all when they had such large sticks permanently wedged up their asses. Part of their salvation probably lay with the fact they just plain weren't interesting enough for a walker to try and make a meal out of. Half the people in the prison wouldn't stop to piss on you if you was on fire. Well…not if Merle was the one on fire at any rate. Bunch of tightly wound assholes if you asked him. If it wasn't for Daryl hanging his hat at the shithole there was no way Merle would be staying in the big house by choice. He'd spent enough time already being a guest of the state before the world went to shit.

Merle picked up another forkful of lunch and shovelled it into his mouth, glaring around the room at the other prison occupants as he did so. The mush was far worse than the slops he'd ever been served when he'd previously spent some time in the slammer but beggars couldn't afford to be choosers no more. He didn't know who'd had a hand in preparing the meal today but he was damned sure Blue Eye's hadn't been on the cooking committee. What he was eating was bland mush at best and Carol was far from bland, cooking or otherwise. Whatever the hell it was one thing was for sure, it was still better than eating raw squirrel. If he hadn't have followed Officer Friendly and his band of Merry Men back to the big house raw squirrel was exactly what he'd be chowing down on now if he was out on his own.

The one-handed man was too busy concentrating on the food in his bowl to notice that the wide berth people had been giving him was no longer in effect. One minute he was sitting there, minding his own business and the next thing he knew Glenn was sitting down across from him.

Uninvited.

Apparently when the world went to shit manners left the building too.

"What the hell was that?" the younger man hissed, sinking down onto the metal seat. He cast a cautionary glance around the room. "Announcing Daryl and Carol's engagement was not part of the plan," he complained, angrily spearing a portion of meat with his fork before shoving it in his mouth.

The older man eyed the young buck sitting across from him. "Why'd you think it was a good idea tellin' me she was knocked up in the first place?"

"Shit," Glenn swore under his breath, dropping his gaze down to the table top. At least the kid had enough sense to look sheepish for a second. "You yelling that those two are picking out china patterns is way worse than me telling you Carol was pregnant!"

"Well you'd know all about the China part, wouldn't ya there Kato?"

Glenn pointed his fork at Merle. "Do not put this all on me," he whispered in an annoyed voice. "I wasn't the dumbass that stood up in front of everyone and announced Carol was having Daryl's baby. How was I supposed to know you'd start planning their wedding? I mean," he tossed his fork down and held up his hands in frustration, "who does that, man?"

"Dixon's take care of their own," Merle huffed, swallowing the last mouthful of mush. "Ain't exactly rocket science. If she was carrying kin I'd made sure Daryl did right by her."

"Marriage?" Glenn asked dubiously. "You thought announcing that on their behalf was a good idea?" He shook his head. "You're a dumbass, you know that right?"

Merle stared at the younger man sitting across from him. He had the sudden urge to reach across the table and slap Glenn upside the head, just like he'd done Daryl before. Kato was turning into more of a whining bitch that his own flesh and blood. Was the kid serious? Who the fuck did he think he was, talking to Merle Dixon like that? The boy had a brass set on him, but he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

"You best watch your mouth son. Remember who you're talking to." These people were getting too comfortable. Somewhere along the beaten path they seemed to have forgotten Merle Dixon was not a man to be messed with.

"Far as I can see he's wastin' his time talking to a dumbass and an asshole all rolled into one." The sound of the oldest Greene daughters' voice drifted over Merle's shoulder. He tore the intimidating glare he'd been levelling at Glenn away in time to see the southern belle folding her legs gracefully under the tabletop before she sat down between them.

Didn't these people wait to be asked to join before they just sat their ass down like they owned the joint? These people were definitely getting too casual 'round him. What he wouldn't give for the days when people were scared shitless just by the sight of Merle Dixon. Now the fuckers were sitting him left, right and centre like his was the most popular table in the school cafeteria. The fact that people were joining him without a moment's hesitation was foreign ground for Merle to be navigating.

Maggie pressed a quick kiss to her boy's head before turning away and giving Merle a glare that would have sent a lesser man high-tailing it for the hills. "What?" she asked, the sweet natured attitude she'd had with Glenn disappearing instantly. "I ain't wrong here. You're both of those things," she declared before swallowing a forkful of lunch mush.

The bitch had a mouth on her, but at least she made life interesting at the prison. Merle just couldn't figure out how someone like Glenn had managed to land a piece of ass like her. Hot as fuck and sassy too boot. What more could a man ask for? Despite the insult the older man couldn't help smirking at the brunette next from him.

"That right, sweetheart?" he drawled, leaning across the table. Yes sir, the sweet little southern belle was just the type to get his motor running. Any woman was just the type to get his motor running, but mouthy seemed to be just his brand lately. If Carol wasn't so hung up on his brother and vice versa Merle would have seriously considered pursuing that particular sassy-mouthed skirt. He wouldn't do that now though; his baby brother had a thing for her and the older brother was not in the habit of cutting his kin's grass.

"Maggie…" Glenn cautioned with a tired voice.

"Let 'er speak, man," Merle said, holding up his remaining hand to silence Glenn. He was not in the business of being insulted, but the older Dixon wanted to hear what the hellcat had to say. Couldn't help but respect a skirt with a pair of brass balls. "I can handle whatever shit she throws my way."

The girl shrugged off the kid's concerns, instead turning to blatantly eyeball Merle. The look of distain she threw his way could have stripped paint if she'd been focusing on a wall. "I don't get this," she waved her fork back and forth between the two men, "friendship you two got going on." The woman stabbed at a large lump of rabbit like the piece of meat had personally offended her. "It's..." she floundered, eyes still moving frantically back and forth between the two men, "it's just unnatural if you ask me," she settled on finally with a huff.

"Unnatural?" Merle enquired, his interest peaked. During his life he'd been called a lot of different things, but unnatural had never made it to the table before.

The woman nodded her head once before popping the food into her mouth. "Yeah, unnatural," she confirmed between chews. "This whole buddy cop thing you two keep playing at is just plain weird. I mean, you tried to kill us and now you two can't stand to be apart. Glenn's a good man and…and you're Merle Dixon. It's weird!" she proclaimed indignantly.

Merle leant forward, folding his arms on the tabletop. The move wasn't as effortless as it once had been, owing to the fact he had a great metal stump attached where his right hand used to be, but he managed to pull the action off without too much trouble. "Tell me something, sweetheart. The real reason you're pissed ain't got nothing to do with me and your boy spending time together now, is it? Admit it, you're jealous you ain't the one getting to spend quality time with ol' Merle, ain't that right?" He wiggled his eyebrows at the young woman.

"Tell me something sweetheart," Maggie threw his own words back at him, eying up the older man like he was a pile of manure she just stepped in. "Did being the Governor's right hand make up for the fact you don't have one of your own no more?" Her green eyes zeroed in on the metal stump attached to his right arm.

"Jesus Christ, Maggie," Glenn mumbled, dropping his head into his hand. Clearly, the kid had no sway when it came to controlling his woman.

The brunette ignored her man and continued to glare across the table at the older Dixon. She shifted in her seat, squaring her shoulders as she sat up straighter. Looked like the southern belle was preparing for a fight. Well, if she wanted a fight Merle would happily oblige. It'd be something to pass the time at least. Clearing the fences of walkers with the hot afternoon sun beating down on you was not something he was looking forward to doing. Anything he could do to prolong his time inside before he got booted out into the harsh light of day would be worth it. Merle couldn't help but smirk as he watched her. She certainly had some steel in her veins, he had to give her that. This chick gave as well as she got. Again, the older Dixon questioned the string of events that led to such a spitfire ending up with Glenn, but much like the flavourless mush they were swallowing, beggars couldn't be choosers no more in this world.

The farmer's daughter folded her arms, mimicking Merle's own posture. "Let's get one thing straight here. I don't know why the Hell Glenn volunteered to babysit your ass but I can't stand the sight of you. I think you're an arrogant, self-centred sack of shit that's just wastin' everybody's time. First chance you get I bet you'll be draggin' Daryl away from here. Frankly, sometimes I don't even know why we bothered to bring you back here in the first place!"

"Don't hold back there, darlin'." Merle eyed the older Greene daughter with a new-grown respect. No-one but Carol had spoken to him like that since he'd arrived. Truth was, most of the prison gang seemed to prefer ignoring his existence all together. Merle liked a strong-willed woman. Kept a man on his toes. Pity all the good broads around this dump were already spoken for.

He let his gaze drop down, lingering on the girl's cleavage. "You sure got a brass set on you, girl."

"What's wrong Merle, never met a woman willing to call you out on being the asshole that you are before?" Maggie asked, not even trying to hide the irritation from her voice.

There was a time that, had anyone said those words to him that person would have earned themselves a busted lip and a broken nose, but spending time at the prison with all the other bleeding hearts had softened Merle from the man he once was. Gone was the hit first, ask questions later behaviour. Now, hearing an insult like that coming out of a woman's mouth was having an entirely different effect on him.

The farmer's daughter was looking damn hot regardless of the fact she already had a boyfriend. It had started off as a way to pass the time; now, Merle was getting turned on listening to her speak to him like that.

Merle licked his lips and let his gaze slowly wander over the brunette sitting next to him. "I like you girl…ya got spunk. If somethin' ever happens to Glenn-"

"Hey! I'm sitting right here dude!"

The older Dixon shrugged half-heartedly across the table at the other man. "Don't take it person Kato. All I'm saying is that, is something ever did happen to you, your girl here's got options."

Maggie vigorously shook her head. "You're not an option Merle."

"Aw now, come on sugar. Don't be like that. Ol' Merle was just offering his services."

"Your services?" Maggie echoed, looking at the older Dixon in disbelief. "If anything ever happened to Glenn I'd rather self-serve."

The older Dixon snorted. He liked a woman that boasted both a sense of humour and a backbone. Too many skirts took themselves too seriously for his tastes. The mental image of her self-serving flashed through his mind momentarily. That one would come in handy later on when he was locked back up in his cell. "Now don't go getting' your panties in bunch there, sweetheart," Merle started, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table top. "Self-servin's not gonna do you any good when you need the tank gassed up, if you get my drift. You're not thinking about this rationally. What if you and me were the only ones left alive and we needed to repopulate the Earth?"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," Glenn objected, slumping down in his seat like sulking child. "I knew you weren't interested in Carol, but I didn't think you'd try putting the moves on my girlfriend while I sat by and watched."

"Ain't no-body keeping you here, boy," Merle said, grinning at Maggie as he spoke. As much as the kid had grown on him, the older Dixon was not about to pass up a chance to get under the boy's skin. He still owed him for that chair to the back of the head stunt yesterday after all. He wasn't trying to pry the girl away from the Chinaman, but you had to be realistic in this shithole of a world they lived in now. Anything could happen, didn't matter how fast you were. Wouldn't hurt for the girl to have a backup plan if push came to shove and there was no time like the present to call dibs before some other bastard swooped in and swept her up.

"So you're telling me," Maggie started, leaning forward to match Merle's stance, "that should something happen to Glenn, the man that I love, I should just play house with you, a man I can barely stand the sight of?"

"Now, I ain't proposing marriage or nothing like that-"

Glenn signed before dropping his hands away from his face. "Why not? You're set your brother and Carol up for a fall wedding already today."

"Watch it Chow Mein," Merle cautioned with a glare. The older Dixon returned his attention to the ballsy brunette sitting beside him. He shifted his tone before speaking again, letting his voice dip down to that smoky drawl that he knew drove women crazy. "Sweetheart…all I'm sayin' is that should something happen to your boy you got options. Now I ain't lookin' to cause trouble in paradise, but this here world now," he jerked his head back, indicating the area outside the prison fences, "ya can't afford to have your head in the clouds all day long. We gotta rebuild society somehow, toots. Might as well give your young'un's a fightin' chance, and they ain't gonna have a better chance at surviving this hellhole than having Dixon DNA." He wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively and grinned.

"I'm still sitting right here-" cried Glenn, throwing his fork down on the table.

"Hush," Maggie cut her boyfriend off with a wave of her hand. She set her sights on the older man at the table once more. "Merle, don't you think it's in poor taste to hit on me when Glenn, the man that's got your back for some reason, is sitting right here?"

"He's an asshole Maggie. You're forgetting that," Glenn added, glaring at the older Dixon.

Man, people really needed to stop calling him an asshole! Merle ignored the pissed look the Asian was levelling his way and instead focused on the skirt sitting beside him. "Not hitting on you darling, just laying all the cards on the table."

The farmer's daughter shook her head again, sending her mane of hair whipping around her head. "This ain't Vegas Merle. No cards, no table. The odds are stacked way against you. No chance of you ever gettin' lucky with me."

Merle Dixon was a lot of things but one thing he was not was a quitter. No-one ever accused him of giving up without a fight, even if it was just to prove a point. "You sure about that? What if the Governor rolled in here tomorrow, killed everyone 'cept me and you? How'd you feel then, knowing the human race was gonna die off 'cause you was too picky to reproduce with the fine specimen right before your eyes." He swept his hand up and down his body, showcasing all that he had to offer.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Glenn moaned, rolling his eyes.

"Now hold on there, Kato. Don't you wanna know if your girl's gonna be in good hands?"

The younger man glared at Merle for a moment before letting his gaze drop down to land on the man's metal stump still resting on the edge of the tabletop. He flicked his attention back up and caught the older man's attention. "Don't you mean hand?" Glenn replied, his mouth turning up with a self-satisfied smirk as he spoke.

"Watch it son." Merle pointed a finger at the smart-mouthed kid gloating across from him. He liked Glenn but the little shit could be aggravating when he set his mind to it. Sometimes the kid was like a damned rash you just couldn't shake.

What he really wanted to wipe that smirk straight off the Asian's face. The hand he'd pointed at Glenn slowly curled into a fist the longer he thought about doing just that. Yeah, wiping that expression off of Glenn's smart mouth sounded like a good way to teach these prison folks that Merle Dixon was not some pussy that was going to lie back and that their shit.

The moment the kid saw Merle meant business that was it. The mocking smirk fell straight off Glenn's face and was instantly replaced with a serious expression. The younger man straightened in his seat, squared his shoulders against the impending threat. His hands curled into fists, anticipating the next move.

Oh yeah, Kato wanted to dance again. Just like the fight they had out in the yard the day before. Merle cracked his neck from side to side, feeling the satisfying 'pop' that accompanied each movement. He was going to enjoy handing the kid his ass.

"Boys," Maggie intervened, putting a hand on each man's shoulder and stopping them from getting closer. The attack stance Glenn had adopted disappeared in an instant, instead replaced with a softer expression as he turned his attention over to his woman. She turned to the younger man and squeezed her hand affectionately. "Glenn, Merle asked me a question and I'm gonna answer it. We don't need you two tryin' to mark your territory like that pissing contest yesterday."

Glenn sat silently for a moment then nodded his head in agreement. With a final pat the farmer's daughter let go of her man's arm. The vice-like grip she has wrapped around Merle's shoulder stayed solid. Hell, he couldn't blame her for not being able to keep her hands off him. Ladies always had a hard time controlling themselves when it came to ol' Merle.

"If," she turned back to face the older of the two men, "and only if, in the event that something happens not only to Glenn but to every other man on the face of the planet, then, and only then-"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," Glenn sulked, sinking down lowly in his seat in defeat. The kid wasn't full of piss and vinegar since his old lady had stepped in to break up the brewing fight.

The older Dixon folded his arms behind his head and puffed out his chest like a proud rooster. A smirk slid over his mouth, quickly overtaking his entire face. Yep, Merle Dixon never failed to win the ladies, hypothetical situation or not. "I knew I'd wear ya down sweetheart. Ain't a woman alive that can resist my charms."

"There's plenty of dead ones you could try that theory out on," Glenn mumbled.

"Then, and only then," Maggie continued, smiling brightly at the older Dixon, "the human race will die off completely. With my blessing." The hold she'd had on his shoulder constricted painfully, sending her nails biting right through the thin cotton of his shirt and right into the flesh of his shoulder.

Come tomorrow, Merle knew there'd be five crescent-shaped indents engraved on his skin, courtesy of the smiling bitch to his right. He'd had a woman scratch up his body during sex before but getting pain without the pleasure was a new experience for him. This shit didn't fly at all.

Glenn's head shot up as soon as the words left his girlfriend's mouth. Gone was the sorry-for-his-own existence attitude, instead replaced with the goofiest, self-satisfied smirk Merle had ever laid eyes on. Damn kid was cockier than if he'd just nailed an entire year's worth of Playmates!

The boy slipped his arm around the famer's daughters' waist and drew her back against his side. "That's my girl," he said, planting a loud kiss on the side of her head.

Merle was too shocked to speak. A woman had turned him down. Must be something in the water 'round the prison that was causing all the women to act bat-shit crazy. Worse still, she'd just told him that if every other man in the world died she still wouldn't want anything to do with his ass. Now that was another case of bad manners as far as Merle was concerned. Here he was, trying to play nice with these people and help out a pal's woman and this was the thanks he got! Ungrateful chick didn't know what the hell she was missing, passing on a fine specimen of the human race like him.

"What can I say, man?" Glenn asked, grinning like a fool. "The better man won, just like when I kicked your ass yesterday." The young man picked up his fork and continued making a dent in his lunch. The kid looked ridiculous, smiling like that while he was trying to chew at the same time.

What the hell did he have to be so damned happy about anyway? Just 'cause some broad preferred to slum it you'd have thought the kid had won the lottery by the way he was grinning. Merle thought about it for a moment. With the way the world was now, Glenn had as good as won the lottery managing to land a girl like Maggie.

"You ever think the reason you won, Sunshine, was because I let you win?" Merle asked, glaring at the cocky son-of-a-bitch sitting across from him.

"Oh really?" Maggie raised an eyebrow at the older man. "From where I was standing it looked to me like you got your ass handed to you with a folding chair. Why would the great Merle Dixon do something like that?"

Merle shrugged. "Figured it'd be the only way Glenn would see any action. Man wins a fight, he gets to reap the rewards." There was no way he was letting that girl think Glenn managed to get the drop on him. A man had a sense of pride after all.

If his idiot brother hadn't of been so slow on the uptake he'd have used the bruises Merle gave to him to his advantage and wormed his way in to Carol's bed for a pity lay, but there had always been something wrong with that boy. Always been too soft for his own good. Soft in the headand dick apparently.

"Rewards?" Maggie scoffed. "Let me tell you something, Merle Dixon. Glenn ain't never had to pull a stunt like that to get lucky before. Guess a man like you has to pull out all the stops to try and trick a woman into your bed."

Now that was just plain insulting. Never in his life had Merle done anything to trick a woman into his bed. The women that landed up there all went to him willingly. Yes, there'd been half-truths and the occasional omission, but he'd never had to resort to throwing a fight to get his own dick played with. The only thing the older Dixon could be found guilty of was having a silver tongue.

There was a time before the world went to shit that the fairer sex would have lining up 'round the block just to testify how talented Merle Dixon's silver tongue really was...

Aw yes, his services had been in high demand back then. Merle shook his head, clearing it of the memories of happier times and looser women. There'd been plenty of times he'd been the victor and still managed to use any war wounds he'd received to his advantage.

"Hold on there, Sweet-cheeks," he raised his hand in a stopping motion. "Merle Dixon never had to con a woman into bed. They all went willingly. Hell, some of 'em even dropped to their knees just beggin' to suck my-"

Glenn dropped his fork on the tabletop, letting it land with a clatter loud enough to silence the older man's speech. "I can't listen to this crap," he proclaimed loudly. He proceeded to push the bowl into the centre of the table, as far away from him as possible. "I'm done…lost my appetite anyway."

"No point in letting good food go to waste." Merle reached out and snagged the bowl with his remaining hand, drawing it under his nose. He quickly shovelled a portion into his mouth, savouring the ill-gotten gains. Beggars couldn't afford to be choosers after all, and second helpings had become a distant memory since food became scarce on the ground.

"First he tries to take my girl then he takes my lunch. This day just keeps getting better and better," Glenn muttered, dropping his head down to land on Maggie's shoulder. The boy looked like he'd just watched Old Yeller get dragged outside to meet his maker.

It was damn pitiful is what is was.

"Don't worry baby," Maggie cooed, running her fingers through the dark mop of hair resting against her shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere."

The sound of the cellblock stairs creaking made Merle's ears spike up like he was a hound on the hunt. He looked past the couple seated in front of him just in time to catch a flash of red disappearing into Officer Friendly's cell. Only one man kept a red rag jammed in his back pocket like that.

Looked like the pup was sniffing out his master. Maybe he wanted a pat on the head before curling up in a ball and getting some shut-eye? Wasn't like Darylina would have an itch he wanted her to scratch. As it appeared to Merle Daryl had never had that kind of itch scratched before.

Merle shovelled another forkful of rice into his mouth. "Now," he slowly chewed as he spoke, focusing his attention of the mouthy brunette sitting beside him. "You can't seriously expect me to believe that he," Merle nodded over at Glenn, "managed to score you without a little truth bending?" he shook his head at the lovesick pair. "This world just don't make sense no more…man like me sleepin' in a cold bed every night, and losers like Ping Pong and my brother got women just falling at their feet. Carol treats my brother like he can walk on water. He wants somethin' and those doe eyes o' hers go all wide and accommodating and he gets whatever his heart desires. Why the hell ain't she falling over herself to help out the better looking Dixon?"

"Who says you're the better looking Dixon?" Glenn quipped.

"Fuck you man," Merle cautioned, sliding his eyes across at the smart-mouthed kid.

"What?" The younger man shrugged. "If you're the better looking one then why is Carol always with your brother instead of you?"

"No accounting for taste," grunted Merle. He wasn't about to come between whatever was going on between those two, but just how his brother got a woman like Carol to notice him in the first place was a mystery to the older Dixon. "That boy don't know the first thing about women and he's managed to land the best one in this Hellhole without even tryin'. No offense, Sweetheart," he added as an afterthought, glancing at the girl attached to Glenn's side.

"And whose fault is that that Daryl don't know the first thing 'bout women?" Maggie questioned. She jabbed her finger square in the centre of his chest, catching the man by surprise. Merle rocked back on his seat for a second before regaining his balance. "You're the older brother. You're the one responsible for teachin' him how to woo a woman." The hand she'd shoved at his chest dropped down and snatched up the bowl from right under his nose. With the reflexes of a cat the farmer's daughter retracted her arm; bowl included, and deposited it back before her man. "If he still ain't worked out that Carol's only got eyes for him then who's to blame, Merle?"

"Woo a woman?" Merle snickered. "That boy's idea of wooin' probably involves catching a bird between his paws and dropping the carcass at her front door!"

"Didn't you used to get some by throwing a twenty down instead of a dead animal?" Glenn smirked, pushing his re-acquired bowl towards his woman. "I wasn't kidding," he said softly, nodding towards the remains of his meal. "Hearing about Merle's sex-capades makes me nauseous."

The girl leant over and gave him a soft peck on the lips. She pulled back and looked him in the eye. "Better?" she asked coyly.

"Mmm, getting there," Glenn conceded, wrapping an arm around her waist and drawing her closer against his side.

"See, this shit here is what I don't get!" Merle complained, eying the couple. "Glenn's boxing outside his weight class. Daryl ain't even in the ring, and yet that boy's got Carol in his corner." The older man shook his head, disgusted at how events were playing out since the human race went ass-up. "For a man that don't let nothing slip by him that kid's failed to notice that woman's only got eyes for him. Fucked if he'd even know what to do with Carol if he did get her in his bed…"

As observant as that boy was he'd failed to see what was staring him right in the face. Shit, if Glenn had been able to see something was going on between those two why couldn't the two people involved work this shit out? Maybe it was time for brother Merle to pull Daryl aside and just beat his head into a brick wall until he realized that Carol and him were a thing.

"Like I said Merle," Maggie said, "If you'd have taught Daryl better maybe he'd stop chasing his tail long enough to realize what's right in front of him and finally make a move."

Glenn snorted. "I don't think Daryl's got any moves…unless you count the dropping a dead bird at her doorway thing."

Maggie shook her head and smiled sweetly at her man. "I don't think Daryl knows enough about mating to even try buying her affection like that."

"It'd shock the shit out of me if that boy's ever had a woman in his bed before," Merle snorted. "I mean, how'd that little shit get to his forties without bein' able to pick up on the signals like what Carol's throwing his way?! If it were me I'd have sealed the deal before some other asshole swooped in and tried to put the moves on her."

"Maybe that's Daryl's secret to surviving so long…staying a virgin," Glenn said, smiling to himself like he'd just thought of the greatest joke in the world.

"What, like in a horror movie?" Maggie asked, scrunching her nose up at the idea.

"Exactly!" Glenn exclaimed with glee. "Remember in all those slasher films the virgin would always live but anyone who'd had sex got hacked up by the killer?"

"Would certainly explain why you got such a jump on surviving, Lap Sao."

"Fuck off Merle." The combined chorus of Maggie and Glenn's voices sailed over the tabletop. The young couple added insult to injury by simultaneously flipping Merle off. Those two were a match made in Heaven. Seemed a cosmic joke they met while living in Hell.

"Watch your mouths!" Hershel chided across the room. The old man was tucked in a corner with his bible laying open before him and it appeared he wasn't happy that scripture time had been rudely interrupted.

Two sets of eyes flickered over to land on the white-haired man glaring their way. The pair of kids both looked ashamed for getting busted like they had.

"Sorry Daddy."

"Yeah, sorry Hershel."

The old man silently regarded the pair, nodding his head once in acceptance of their apology before turning his attention back to the good book. No matter how much the world changed one constant always remained the same; always some old geezer bitching about one thing or another. There was a lot more shit to be worried about at the end of the world than whether or not someone was using profanity when they spoke.

Merle sat back for a moment, contemplating Glenn's theory about Daryl. The more he thought about it the more sense it made. How the fuck could that boy gut a walker or hunt a deer but still not be able to pick up on when a woman was interested in him? Some things were instinctual. Sometimes Merle wondered if his brother's brains were in his biceps. What Glenn said was starting to make a hell of a lot of sense except for one thing…

"Glenn," the older Dixon waited until he had the kid's undivided attention before continuing. "If the whole meek inheriting the Earth bullshit were true then how do you explain how Ol' Merle is still alive and kicking?" He hooked a thumb back at his own chest. "I ain't been a virgin since I was fourteen," the older man proclaimed proudly.

"Fourteen?" The younger man spluttered. "Seriously Merle? Fourteen?"

"What can I say?" the one-handed man grinned arrogantly. "I was a late bloomer."

"That 'cause you didn't have a sister to fuck?" Maggie asked, smiling sweetly as she spoke.

Merle had to give it to her; the girl certainly had some balls. Look like he'd found another person at the prison he could stomach being around.

A movement across the room caught Merle's eye. He shifted his gaze away from Maggie long enough to see his brother was stomping out of the Grimes' cell and back through the doorway into the mess hall, his crossbow slung over his shoulder.

"Where you think you're goin'?" Merle said, speaking over the heads of the couple. "Though our old lady grounded you?" Carol had been very specific earlier. Merle had been told to keep his hands to himself and Daryl had been told in no uncertain terms to get some rest. Whatever that boy was playing at, a crossbow didn't equal talking it easy.

Daryl stopped in his tracks but kept his back to his brother. Merle's gaze wandered down to the tightly-balled fists hanging by the other man's sides. Oh yeah, Darylina was pissed. The boy didn't like it when Ol' Merle talked about Carol like that…the our old lady thing.

Daryl never could share his toys, even when he was just a pup.

"Stop callin' her OURold lady, Merle," the younger Dixon cautioned, his voice low and menacing.

"Whatever, man." The older man shrugged off his baby brother's bitching. "Don't go jumpin' up my ass like that. Your attitude ain't answerin' my question though now, is it?" Merle leant forward and rested his elbows on the table. "Where the hell you think you're goin' with that there bow?"

"Saw some geese swoop down and settle in the stream outside. Carol mentioned they're been flocking there for days now. Figured I'd pick a few off for tonight. Roast duck's gonna be a hell of a lot better than that slop you're putting away." The younger Dixon started onward again but Merle wasn't going to let him get away that easily.

"The warden give you the green light for the field trip?" Merle didn't give a shit one way or the other whether Carol had given Daryl the okay or not; he couldn't resist getting under his brother's skin was all.

Daryl nodded curtly. "She knows." The younger Dixon hefted his bow higher on his shoulder before pushing forward once more and disappearing through the doorway leading out into the yard.

The group silently watched as the hunter made a stealthy exit.

"I'm not the only one seeing this, right?" Glenn asked, looking back and forth between the other two people seated at the table. "Daryl's going outside, just so he can kill some birds. To take back to Carol. For dinner." The young man ran a hand through his hair and let out a loud breath. "He is going to give her a dead animal and expect to get praise for it."

"I ain't too sure about that Kato," Merle shook his head in disagreement. "That boy's gonna get his ass handed to him when Carol catches wind of this. That woman ordered him to get to bed and rest. She might have okayed the going outside but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts she don't know that part about him going after those geese. " He smirked, thinking of how that scenario would play out. There wasn't a hell of a lot to do entertainment-wise nowadays. Watching Carol rip Daryl a new one would help break the tedium. "She'd gonna tan his hide, duck dinner or no duck dinner."

"Maybe not," Maggie mused quietly. She stared off into the distance, staring intently at the ugly grey wall opposite. Finally she snapped her fingers and jumped up from the table. "I've got an idea boys," the woman nodded towards Merle. "You tried making Daryl jealous yesterday and that didn't pan out. Him bringing her an animal carcass ain't exactly the same as gettin' roses and chocolates. Maybe Carol's the one that needs to get jealous this time instead." Maggie rose, grabbing Glenn by the hand and dragging the boy along with her. "Come on. I got an idea."

"Where we going?" Glenn asked as he stumbled to follow the brunette's lead.

"Tell you on the way."

"Hey," Merle cried out, watching the couple scamper towards the tombs. "Ain't Merle invited to your little party?"

"Not unless Hell freezes over you ain't," Maggie answered, throwing the words over her shoulder as she led Glenn out of the mess hall.

The older man chuckled. Goddamn, Glenn was one lucky son-of-a-bitch, being able to land a sassy woman like that. Now that they'd left him Merle was back in the same position he started out in; all alone in a sea of people that wanted nothing to do with him. He didn't even have Carol or Daryl to torment no more. Maybe he would head outside, give Darylina more shit about their woman while the boy tried to land a goose for dinner.

Merle pushed himself up from the table and strutted outside, fully intending to do just that.

End of Chapter

A/N: Thank you for persevering with me on this one. I know it's been months since I last updated. Honestly, I had writers block when it came to this fic. If you follow what I do you know I've written other things in the past few months, but FwIT has been tricky. The funny has been hard. I had this piece open every day, trying to get back into it but even Merle's voice has been absent these last few months and that bastard never sticks a cork in it when it comes to this fic! I actually have a lot of this story already mapped out (with several key scenes already written I might add) but writing the in-between for those moments has stumped me. Now, this is most definitely a Caryl fic, so I hope you'll forgive me the lack of Caryl interaction that occurred this chapter. This is all heading somewhere, I swear. I know the funny was a little light this chapter, and again that goes back to the writer's block. I did enjoy Maggie shooting Merle down I must admit. That was the highlight of the chapter for me here.

I went to a convention in Melbourne a few months ago and I got to meet the man himself, Michael Rooker. HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE! The man is all energy and such a flirt! In a previous chapter I wrote a line describing Merle as being able to charm a nun from God and after meeting the man himself I believe that description fully applies to both Rooker and Merle Dixon. The man just oozes charm and sex appeal…it's impossible to believe any woman would ever turn him down!

Lastly, I wanted to thank everyone who voted for me in The Caryl Daily's Fanfiction Awards for funniest fic. I was honoured just to be nominated, but to place runner-up was amazing! Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and vote for me *MMMAW!*

Anyway, I'm rambling again. Thank you for all the reads and reviews and for sticking with me through this very long journey. I'm aiming to make updates on this regular again. Fingers crossed I've got my groove back.