Day 18

I didn't have to pack; it wasn't like I had ever carried anything with me.

"This is a one-way trip this time, you understand," Beetee informed me. He was originally from District Three, I was informed, and that's why his tail was a pale yellow. "After what happened last time, we can't risk teleporting you back."

I swallowed. As if I had much of a choice. Once Haymitch had convinced the right people I was useless, I'd become nothing more than a volatile waste of resources. If mermish government was always like this, no wonder they-

I didn't finish the thought. It was a time of war. They couldn't afford to be humanitarians right now. I knew that. It didn't mean that I wasn't pissed off.

"Of course," I answered Beetee.

He studied me carefully through his glasses. (He was the only merman I knew of that had glasses.) "As long as you're sure-"

"Wait!" Someone called from the door. We all looked around. My heart was pounding.

Peeta. I almost started smiling against my will. I thought he wasn't going to show up.

I seemed to be the only person pleased to see him, though. Gale was busy teaching his gun-class, so I'd only seen him briefly this morning, but Haymitch was scowling and Beetee suddenly looked nervous. "Boy," Haymitch barked out, "Don't you have somewhere else to be right now?"

Peeta ignored Haymitch, his eyes settling on me. "No one told me you were leaving," he breathed. "I overheard something just now."

I swallowed. "We just decided yesterday."

"You just got here," he said.

"You admitted it yourself, Peeta, she can't help you," Haymitch snapped. I swear Peeta almost flinched. "And if she can't do that and you wouldn't let her fight, than she's going home."

Peeta looked conflicted for a moment or two, like he was actually considering revising his conditions, but seemed to think better of it, disappointingly. "That doesn't mean I didn't want to say goodbye," he objected.

Haymitch nodded in my direction. "Fine then. Say it."

Peeta narrowed his eyes. "May I at least request some privacy?"

The old mentor opened his mouth wide, probably to call Peeta on it, but then shut it abruptly. "Fine," he agreed irritably, "Two minutes. Only for you, boy. Come on," he ordered Beetee, who confusedly followed Haymitch out of the room.

Peeta turned to me immediately. "You're leaving," he accused, not hiding the note of betrayal that wavered in his voice.

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry," I offered softly. "I can't stay."

"You can," he argued, "You can stay with me, forever. Just-" he raised a hand to around the height of my face, to allow me to lean into it if I wanted to.

I was petrified.

Peeta turned away from me, looking down, slowly dropping his hand. "I am sorry," he stated, voice flat. "I must have been projecting my own feelings. That was unfair of me."

"No, Peeta, wait," I called desperately. He turned, carefully monitoring his facial expressions. My eyes flickered down to his lips. They were so close…it would be so easy to touch them. Not three days ago, we were kissing for an audience.

No. I'm Katniss, not Peeta's girlfriend, and definitely not his true love. It's like Haymitch said. Impossible.

"What?" Peeta prompted.

I threw my arms around his shoulders and buried my face into his all-too-human neck. He stiffened, before vaguely raising his arms to return the hug. I suddenly had the instinct to wrap my tail around his legs, but that was something I'd seen Finnick and Annie doing and probably wasn't the best idea. My tail was so much longer than his legs, anyways, and thicker too. For the first time, I tried to look at Peeta the same way the mermen saw him: small and lost.

No.

Small and fighting to shine. Like the sun.

"Take care of yourself," I mumbled into his shoulder.

"Ahem," someone coughed very conspicuously.

Peeta's grip tightened before he let go suddenly. "We're done," he said, his voice still flat, pushing himself away from me.

I swallowed. I wasn't sure I agreed.

"Alright," Beetee nodded. "If that's everything, goodbye, Miss Everdeen."

I didn't reply, suddenly feeling very sick to my stomach.

"Bye, sweetheart," Haymitch said, almost mockingly.

I was losing him. I was loosing Peeta forever. I opened my mouth to shout, to stop them, tell them it was possible, I could love him, he was enough, more than enough, he was everything I possibly could have ever wanted, to apologize, to kiss him back-

There was the sensation of bubbles, and then I was back on the beach of the Seam.

Too late, I thought dully. I didn't know what I had until it was too late.

Peeta had given me the chance. You can stay with me, Katniss, just-

Just-

I sat down in the sand roughly and tried not to cry. I didn't want to be that person anymore, the one with a heart so barbed she wouldn't even considering kissing the love of her -

Dammit.

I stared at the place Katniss had been occupying only moments before.

"Finally," Haymitch said roughly behind me. He clapped me on the shoulder. "That girl was nothing but a goddamn tease."

"Shut up, Haymitch," I mumbled, not having the willpower to dislodge his hand from my shoulder. I felt human tears prick at my eyes and wondered if anyone would even notice here. Mermen don't cry. They don't even have tear ducts.

"Peeta," Haymitch said, a little bit more slowly than usual, which was his version of comforting. "I know you liked her because she nursed you back to health and all that, but consider this. Is it really her you're missing, or your tail?"

I tried to jerk away, but couldn't, finding that his grip was stronger than any push my two legs could produce. Katniss was my true love, so it should feel like missing a limb, right? It's not I could separate my feelings for the two of them.

Haymitch stared at me a little bit longer, and then clapped me on the shoulder. "Take the rest of the morning off," he suggested. "Then get back to duty. Kissing that girl might have given you the tail back, but having Snow reverse the spell definitely will."

"Piss off," I snapped, pushing away from him. Mermen don't cry.

Katniss is gone. I don't need her, just a tail, right?

I pushed the thought out of my mind.

Mermen don't cry.

I never loved her.

Annie asked about Katniss at dinner tonight. I, of course, responded logically, answering that Katniss had left forever. Annie was upset. She said she was considering the two of us as godparents. I gaped at her with my mouth hanging open for a solid ten seconds, and then stupidly looked around for Katniss to see if she knew, and-

And I realized that I'd never get to look at Katniss's face again.

I was entertaining the thought of just giving up on the tail and going to live on the surface when it hit me.

Who am I kidding?

A/n: I do not own The Hunger Games. Please review!