Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or make any profit from this fanfic.

Pairing: Light/L (in that order)

A/N: Crossposted on the LiveJournal Death Note Kink meme.

Light gritted his teeth as he tried to concentrate on compiling information on the Yotsuba group. L was starting to get on his nerves. The eccentric detective was sitting next to him and morosely consuming a piece of cake smothered in icing, sprinkles and strawberries. Light twitched as L loudly smacked his lips after finishing another bite of cake.

*SLURP* L took a sip of coffee.

Sure, normally Light could probably tune out such distractions, but he was chained to L 24/7. As if to emphasize this point, L fidgeted, jangling the chain. All the little annoyances were starting to build up and become overwhelming, and he had no privacy at all, and to top it off, L had the gall to continue to act depressed just because Light wasn't Kira! Light was certain any normal person would have snapped by now. L belched loudly. Light wrinkled his nose, and finally turned to L. "L, either help me with the case or stop being so distracting."

L just brought a finger up to his mouth and stared at Light with an adorably innocent look. "I do not understand what Yagami-kun is referring to."

Light clenched his hands to suppress an eruption of rage. "I can't take any more of your disgusting habits," he hissed. "Either stop the clanking, the slurping, and the nibbling or unchain me."

L stared at him some more. "Is Kira-kun trying to manipulate his way out of being handcuffed?" he asked with a sly smile. And he stared at Light. Watching, waiting to see how Light would react. It was all a game to him. A sick twisted game that had no purpose except possibly to amuse L. Even now, the detective was continuing to waste time by lollygagging around instead of actively searching for Kira.

Light didn't reply and turned away with a huff. L was a brat. He had probably been catered to all his life, and that was why he was acting like a spoiled child instead of an adult. Light darkly thought about all the things he would have done to L if he had been involved in L's upbringing. Corporal punishment came to mind…yes, Light would have taught L a thing or two about proper behavior.

Light smirked to himself and continued his research.

L stood up and got himself another piece of cake. Light twitched again as he felt the chain jerk against his wrist at the detective's movements. Then the nibbling, munching, and lip-smacking started again. Light had nearly managed to block out L's obnoxious sounds when he heard a clattering of metal against porcelain, and felt something damp and sticky land on his clothes and the side of his face.

"I apologize, Yagami-kun," L said in his monotone. "I seem to have dropped my fork."

Light glanced down. Shit! L had somehow managed to fling little flecks of icing all over Light. He turned around suddenly, no longer able to contain his anger.

Light's eyes narrowed. "You bastard, you did that on purpose." He leaned closer, and noticed with satisfaction that L flinched slightly.

"There is a sixty-five percent chance that Yagami-kun is prone to homicidal tendencies," L said, and gave a little smug smile, like the brat he was.

Before he knew what he was doing, Light grabbed L by the scruff of his neck, threw the startled detective over his knee and smacked L's backside with the palm of his hand.

*THWACK* L jumped, Light noted with satisfaction. That had probably hurt and caught him off-guard. Light braced one hand against L's neck to stop his struggles and raised his hand again.

*THWACK!* L bucked and whimpered. Light smirked. It was satisfying, so immensely satisfying to give L just a little payback for everything he had endured.

*THWACK!* There was the illegal surveillance for starters. Light frowned and re-adjusted his grip as L grabbed at the chair and tried to pull himself away.

*THWACK!* Then there was the fact that L had held him in a cell for two months, not telling him when the Kira killings had started again. L squirmed. Light smacked him again a few times for good measure. L let out a muffled sob. Good, Light thought darkly. Let L suffer for once.

*THWACK!* And then of course there was all the emotional manipulation and mock execution. L whimpered and let out another sob.

x

His hand started to sting, but Light ignored it, and smacked L's ass a few more times. He smiled as he added up the many infractions that L had committed against him. Yes, L certainly had this coming.

L sobbed and clutched at Light's leg, trying to inch his backside away from Light's hand.

Light frowned and smacked L again, harder. *THWACK!*

"Please…Light," L gasped out between sobs.

Light paused. Had he really hurt L? Surely it was just an act to try and make him feel guilty. Yes, that was it. *THWACK!* He smacked him again for impertinence.

L sobbed and pressed his face against Light's leg. He felt something warm and wet soaking through. Was L…crying? Light paused again. He hadn't really wanted to hurt L badly – just teach him a lesson.

L continued to try and inch away, and Light let go of his neck.

L stood up shakily and wiped a sleeve across his face.

Light stared at L's tear-stained face. "L," He said, "I didn't mean to-"

L turned away and started walking towards the bedroom. Light stood up and followed. L crawled into the bed and drew the covers into a mound, up over and around him.

Light sat down on the edge of the bed. "L, did I really hurt you?" he asked.

"Yagami-kun, just leave me alone," L whimpered.

"It's kind of hard to do that when you've chained us together," Light retorted, remembering that L's punishment was well-deserved. But maybe he had been a little too harsh. After-all, he had all that upper body strength from playing tennis.

L just sniffed from underneath the covers.

Light put a hand on L's shoulders. "L, I'm sorry, I got carried away." L flinched, then relaxed as Light started rubbing his shoulders.

More sniffing and hiccupping from underneath the covers.

"But you did deserve that after everything you did to me," Light said self-righteously.

"Fifteen percent," L whispered from underneath the covers.

Light drew his lips into a thin line. "Fifteen percent chance of what?" he demanded.

L stubbornly refused to answer. Light sighed and flopped down onto the bed. The L bed sheet mound scooted away from him. Light turned onto his side and grabbed where he knew the shoulders would be and pulled L towards his chest. L shuddered and gasped.

Light moved his mouth near where he estimated L's ear to be located. "L, I said I was sorry."

L didn't answer.

"L, if you keep hiding under that blanket, you're going to damage your brain with CO2 poisoning."

L shuffled under the covers. A hand emerged from the mess of blankets and clutched at Light's shirt. Then L emerged and he was surprisingly clingy, even burying his head into Light's chest.

Light rubbed L's shoulders soothingly. L pressed up against him, trembling. Light continued to hug him and eventually the trembling decreased.

x

Light continued to hold L. The detective eventually removed his face from Light's chest and started sniffing at Light's shoulder and neck. What the heck? Light felt a wet tongue lick the side of his neck.

L gave a contented sigh, and continued sniffing and licking up Light's neck.

Then Light remembered: the icing! L had 'accidentally' flung little specks of icing all over Light, and now the detective was finding them and licking the sugary pieces up. Light chuckled. He should have made L clean him off to begin with, but it was fine to start now.

"L, make sure you don't miss any. Lick it all off," Light commanded.

L paused, probably surprised that Light knew what he was up too, then continued licking, moving up to Light's face.

"Sixty-five percent, Light-kun," L said in a shaky voice. Then moved down to start on Light's shirt a few minutes later.

Light was starting to get annoyed by percentages. "Sixty-five percent chance of what?" he asked testily.

L paused to give him a coy glance. "That Light-kun is attracted to me."

Light gasped as L moved down a little lower and started searching for any splattered frosting that might be around his crotch area. "What are the chances that…Ah" Light gasped as L licked the cloth near where a bulge was starting to form in the front of his trousers. "The uh, attraction is mutual?"

L gave another lick. "Nearly ninety-five percent."

"Only ninety –five percent?" Light demanded in disbelief. Then he groaned in frustration as L moved down his inner thigh, still teasingly on the outside of his clothes.

"Human relationships are complicated," L explained. "It is impossible to know the motives behind any action for certain."

Light's eyes narrowed. Then he grabbed both of L's wrists and flipped the detective onto his back, pinning him on the bed while he straddled his hips. Light leaned down and whispered into L's ear, "What are the percentages now?"

"Ninety-eight percent chance that Light-kun has anger issues," L replied.

"Hmm," Light said. Then he reached down to L's crotch and grabbed the hardness that was forming there and squeezed. "I'd say it's nearly one-hundred percent chance that the attraction is mutual."

L glared defiantly back at him. Then he gasped and moaned as Light started caressing him through his jeans.

"Let's take your clothes off, L," Light purred.

The detective just nodded and started fumbling at his belt buckle.

Light removed L's jeans and boxers in record time, and stared down at the sight below him. "L, you're beautiful."

"Eighty-nine percent chance Light-kun is being sappy and fake," L retorted, but a faint blush covered his cheeks.

Light moved down on the bed so that he was holding L down by his hips, and pressed a light kiss to the head of L's enormous erection.

L gasped and blushed darker. Light kissed him a few more times, then lifted L's hips to inspect his buttocks. The cheeks had turned an angry red color. Light breathed gently on one of them.

L whined and gasped. "Seventy-nine percent chance that Light-kun is a shameless tease!"

Light chuckled. Then he lightly smacked L's buttock, earning a whimper. "L, you've been very naughty."

L looked worried for a minute, then relaxed into Light grip as he started blowing and kissing instead.

"You won't do that again, will you?" Light asked.

"No," L gasped as he arched off the bed as Light started licking at his entrance.

"Good," Light breathed. "If you annoy me again I'd have to punish you again."

L stared at him. "What do I have to do to get Light-kun to fuck me?" he asked.

Light unzipped his own pants. "All you have to do is ask."