Here Comes the Bride (Like a Smooth Criminal)

Caroline twirls her fingers at the orchestra one more time, insisting that they try once more. There is no way this is happening.

Here comes the bride…

She can't believe after all the fuss that Rebekah made before the wedding that she's the one who is going to screw this up. Her eyes shift to Stefan and he just stands there, much like his perfectly kempt hairdo, he is calm and cool, not even miffed about what is happening. He just smiles a winning smile and nods at Caroline. Damn! His hair really is perfect.

Caroline then glances at the audience and sees the woman in the Eiffel Tower hat turn to the stuffy gentleman beside her and whisper something in his ear. He just shrugs and chuckles and Caroline all but screams at the indecency that the couple is showing. How dare she presume anything about anything that is going on with anything!

Not. On. Her. WATCH!

Caroline shoves her flowers into the hands of the bishop and storms down the aisle. She gives curt smiles to the staring guests and one nasty glare at the ridiculously hat clad woman. Come on Rebekah, what are you doing?

The second she turns the corner and is out of sight she takes to an aggressive sprint toward the large doors going back into the mansion and there's where she sees her. She's whining and struggling against the doors.

"Caroliiiiiiine!" she shrieks and throws her hands out. "I'm stuck!"

Caroline is so relieved by this turn of events that she breaks into a fit of laughter. She doubles over in front of Rebekah, laughing so hard that tears begin to stream down her face. "You…you look like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man got stuck between two graham crackers."

Rebekah reaches forward and slaps Caroline. "Caroline! This is not the time to or place to have a complete breakdown."

Caroline is stilled by the slap and the irony of this statement, which only makes her laugh more. Oh no, what is happening to her? Why is she laughing?

"Caroline, stop laughing and help me out!"

"I can't! I can't stop laughing, Bekah, it's just so funny!"

Dun-dun-dun!

Stefan is the only oasis of calm in this wedding storm. He just stands there, rocking back and forth on his heels with his hands clasped behind his back. He would love to whistle a little, but the Bishop looks too rigid for Stefan to pull that out. His eyes wander along the crowd. What's all the fuss about? Why are they all feaking out? Has someone died? Rebekah is late to the altar, but is this really such a shocker? She's always late to everything because the amount of make up she wears is always slowing her down. No need to panic. She would never leave him, that's a no-no. His hair is too perfect, unlike Finn's disaster of a hairdo. Poor Finn, Stefan slowly shakes his head with resignation. Rebekah's brother will never get over the fact that his hair can't hold a candle to Stefan's. Even from afar the groom can see what Finn does wrong. Not only does he overcondition his hair, but also uses the wrong conditioner. Unforgiveable sin against the art of hairdressing. Un-for-giv-a-ble.

Finn subconsciously runs his fingers through his hair as his hateful eyes drill into Mikael's back. Soon, father, soon. He squeezes his wife's hand and a malicious smirk appears on Sage's face. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Mikael looks around in admiration for his beautiful garden. French kings would be so jealous they would throw down their impressively high wigs and trample them into the ground with their fancy little shoes. But now this green perfection has been converted into some white wedding wonderland cliché. The patriarch of the Mikaelson family can't get over the fact that he himself pays for it. How much will his daughter's happiness cost him? He planned to take his beloved on a romantic trip to Italy (just imagine them sitting on a gondola like two Doges of Venice!), but now it has to be postponed. All because of Rebekah's Daddy please. And the real kicker is that his little brat of a daughter isn't even coming down the aisle. He rolls his eyes. Typical!

Bill Forbes eyes Klaus appraisingly. His daughter is so lucky to walk down the aisle with that Eros. Look at that stubble that surrounds his luscious lips. And that long, lean torso of his. And those neat hands of an artist. And whatever treasure is hidden below his waist. Bill covers his mouth with a handkerchief. Damn, he's drooling.

Klaus' eyes are searching for Caroline. He's getting more and more worried about his sister and her Maid of Honor. He didn't think this wedding was a good idea, but now all he wants is Rebekah to say yes. Not that he thinks Ripper is Rebekah's soulmate, of course not. But if they get their happy ending today, Klaus will finally end up with Caroline in his arms, both of them swaying on the dance floor to Michael Bublé. And this is more than a good idea, he thinks as his eyes glaze over with lust while he's staring absently into space. (Though, it looks like he's lusting over the paper Ionic column that stands in front of him.)

Tyler goes through the Pimp Yo Workout app on his phone. What routine is he going to do today? Bomb Biceps or maybe Fab Abs? He could as well go for Crazy Cardio. After so much food and alcohol he'll need to burn calories like you would witches on a stake. He should really take care of Caroline too. She's gotten a bit too chubby in the face lately.

Menopausal Esther Mikaelson ogles the young Lockwood. One hot piece of delicious cake, that's what he is. Just looking at him made her feel like a young woman again, and she can get lost in twisted daydreams about him for hours.

"Mrs. Mikaelson? Miss Rebekah got stu-"

"Not now, April." She brushes the girl off with a wave of a hand, still hypnotized by a dark haired bit of all right. That young gorgeous guy makes her hormones go all gaga. Why is it so hot out here all of a sudden?

Elena flutters her eyelashes at Damon sending him a furtive hankering half-smile. He answers her with a lecherous, hungry look of his piercing icy-blue eyes. She suggestively cocks an eyebrow at him. He winks at her. She sensually licks her lips. He narrows his eyes. She pouts, slowly trailing an index finger down her swanlike neck. He swallows hard. She tilts her head back, her finger travelling south towards her breasts-

"Elena, are you okay? Are you okay, Elena?" She hears Elijah's concerned voice.

"What? Um. Yeah." She tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I didn't get much sleep, that's all." Indeed, she had a very indecent dream about him last night. So dirty. Damon would love it.

"I know it's hard to sleep at night." Elijah places a soft kiss on her temple.

She bites her lip, fighting the urge to look at Damon one more time. "I'm just worried about Rebekah."

"Don't you worry. Everything's gonna be alright." He protectively puts his arm around Elena. She's such a good, caring person. Always worried about everything and everyone but herself. Sweet angel.

Dun-dun-dun!

"It's not funny, Caroline!"

"It's impossible not to agree with Caroline, little sister." They hear Klaus' voice. He's walking up to them, the heels of his polished shoes click against the marble floor. Big feet, Caroline thinks, fixing her eyes on the lowest part of Klaus' body. You know what they say about men with big feet.

"Caroline!" Rebekah slaps her again to bring her friend down and back to Earth. Klaus sucks his lips in to hold back a grin that was forming on his face.

"Okay ladies." He says getting closer to Bekah the Marshmallow Bride. "Let's pull you through this door." He grabs her right hand while Caroline holds the left one, and they start pulling. It reminds him of the scene when Winnie the Pooh gets stuck in Rabbit's doorway because he's too stuffed with his 'Huny'.

"Looks like someone hasn't been eating their veggies. Have you put on weight, Darling?" Klaus smirks seeing his sister's distressed face. Oh no, Caroline thinks. He did not just… "Or is it a little bun in your oven?"

Oh no.

This is enough to make Rebekah cry out in misery. "I hate you, Nik!"

"Bekah, don't." Caroline warns her, still pulling at her hand. "You'll ruin your make up."

"Don't stress yourself, Sis. It's bad for the baby." Klaus quips.

"Shut up and pull, Klaus!" Caroline growls.

"I can already hear the pitter patter of tiny feet."

"Klaus!"

"No, Bekah. As honored as I would feel that you would name it after me, we can't have two Klauses in the family."

To Caroline's horror Rebekah just lets out a loud, furious scream, and lunges at her brother ready to claw his eyes out. "How dare you!" A big white lacy ball gets through the door pushing Caroline and Klaus, making the Maid of Honor stumble and fall down. Like in slow motion, Caroline feels the hard ground is coming closer and closer, and that her head is inevitably going to crash against it. She closes her eyes prepared for a blunt pain and to blackout, but it never comes. With her eyes still half-closed, she realizes she's hovering in mid-air. Her eyes shoot open.

"It's alright. I got you." And then she notices a strong arm that's holding her above the ground. Klaus' face is dangerously close to hers again. Caroline doesn't know if her heart is racing because she was so afraid to fall or because of the close proximity of his body. She feels so safe in his arms. It takes a few seconds of staring into his deep blue eyes for her breathing to finally become steady.

"Thank you." She chokes out, too startled to say anything else.

"Ahem." Bekah's sitting on the ground behind them. Klaus obviously chose Caroline over his sister to save from crashing against the ground. Rebekah's big fluffy crinoline dress cushioned the fall. "Can we get back to paying full attention to me, please?" Although it may seem like Rebekah is asking sweetly, her closest friends and family have full understanding that Rebekah isn't one to ask for anything. She demands it.

Dun-dun-dun!

They walk down the aisle again. She's clutching at Klaus' arm, the same that caught her a few minutes ago. Do they all see her flushed face? Do they suspect anything? Do they see that her stomach is fluttering and twisting, doing somersaults because of Klaus' presence? (Or maybe it's the salad she ate in the morning? It smelled a bit off but she blamed feta for that.) When they stop in front of the altar, it's not getting any better for her. All she can think of is his face just inches away from hers, and the feeling of his hand pressed against the small of her back.

Caroline is distracted again with images of Klaus' godlike body hovering over hers, when she is met with the disconcerting look in Tyler's eyes. Her imaginary rendezvous is cut short when Tyler shakes his head. Is that disgust on his face? Is he disgusted with her? She snatches her hand away from Klaus' immediately and takes her place next to the Bishop once more. Little does she know that Tyler is looking at her arm flab (she doesn't have arm flab, he's just an asshole.) and making mental note of getting her on a Biceps for Babes program as soon as possible.

The bishop clears his throat and Caroline glances his direction. "Would you like your flowers back, Miss Forbes?" He holds out her flowers for her to take back which she does with a thank you and a sheepish smile. She nods at the orchestra and they begin the once more triumphant sound of Here Comes the Bride.

This time the Dollop of Sour Cream Bride with her brilliant white smile appears at the end of the aisle. The guests all stand; ready to finally see the bride in all her glory. There's only a slight moment of panic when Rebekah just barely shimmies her way through the narrow pillars and into the aisle. Stefan smiles widely and watches his gorgeous prize stroll toward him.

As she goes slowly towards her beloved, Rebekah reminisces about the day they first met…

She went to a Roaring Twenties party at the Grill, dressed like a true flapper. Swing music was seeping through the room along with billows of an artificial haze, creating the appearance of cigarette smoke and a sultry lounge atmosphere. Matt Donovan was bartending that night, over pouring his fancy drinks. She used to be so into Fitzgerald's Great Gatsby that she wanted one Jay Gatsby for herself. And so it happened that Stefan Salvatore, Damon's younger brother, just came back from Chicago all brazen, rebellious, and mysteriously changed, any of his boyish features and traits gone.

He strolled into the bar like he owned it, still smelling of his date's perfume. Or not really a date, just a girl he had made out with just a few minutes before in the back of the Grill. So-maybe out of spite, or maybe to get his attention-Rebekah snatched the drink Matt poured Stefan from the bar counter.

"Please. Help yourself." He smirked, mocking her.

"Like I always do." She boldly tilted her chin up. Then she walked a few steps to him, placed a hand on his chest, and took a deep intake of air. "Mmm. You're selling yourself short, Mr. Salvatore. Still wearing your date." The blonde leaned even closer and whispered to his ear, "She's cheap."

Before she could walk away he grabbed her by the elbow and murmured, "Tell me your name."

"Sure. When you earn it." And she left him stunned just to parry all of his pick-up lines later. To Rebekah he was a challenge, and so she was to him. Then she became much more to him than just a pretty rich girl, and he won her heart by proving himself not a fickle obnoxious boy anymore. It wasn't a year later and they were planning their wedding.

For a moment Caroline sees what all the fuss is about. The organizing of the event, all of the guests that are in the audience, the decorations, and even Klaus leaves her mind as she watches two people who genuinely love each other come together as one. The vows are perfect, her and Klaus do their duty and pass along their rings, and the Bishop's words are poignant and beautiful. It's time to kiss the bride when the Bishop turns to the audience and says, "Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace…"

If anyone says a word, the wrath of Caroline will be brought down like the almighty hammer of Thor. Caroline lets the breath go that she is holding when it seems nobody is going to say anything, when suddenly…

"HALT! I LOVE THAT WOMAN!"

"Alexander?!" Rebekah screeches.

"Who's Alexander?" Caroline asks, but doesn't really care. Actually none of the women seem to care as they all stare and ogle the shirtless clad Viking before them. Holy mother of chunky hunks, she has never seen anything so perfect in all her life. It was as if the gods themselves chiseled this creature out of stone and placed him on earth as a gift to all women and gay men alike. She glances at her father, and sure enough, he looks as though he's about to jump over the rows behind him and scurry to the feet of this masterpiece.

"I will not allow this shadow of a man to marry my Beloved Rebekah!"

Klaus rolls his eyes at the intruder. Alexander. Always such a pain in this family's side. A worse narcissist than Finn and an even more obnoxious poser than Kol. He is more pompous than Elijah and his greed surpasses that of Mikael's.

Rebekah, his little baby sister, was so desperate for love and attention that she jumped into his arms right away. That manipulative jerk played her like a violin. She laughed when he wanted, and stayed silent when he told her not to speak. Meek and mild Rebekah, poor girl wasn't herself. She was so into him that she didn't notice how focused he was on the family assets. It was like a dagger to her heart when she finally saw who he truly was.

Speaking of family assets. "Rebekah, what's he doing here, and why does he have my sword?"

Dun-dun-dun!

What size shoe does Klaus wear?

Was does Elijah always sound like he's quoting something?

What the hell is "crinoline"?

Is Klaus falling victim to sword envy?

What hair conditioner does Stefan use?

And you, did you eat all your veggies today?

Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and more…in the next chapter of The Vixens and The Vamps!