He's gone. He's actually gone. If I had kept an eye on Mordred, this never would have happened. It's all my fault.

"HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?" I slammed my fist on the floor, not noticing the pain it caused. After the heartbreak I was already feeling, what was a little more suffering on top of that? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore, not after the battle. Tears stung my eyes as I recalled that fateful day, and I let them glide down my face. What was the point of staying strong? What was the point of anything now? I'd already fulfilled my destiny. The king was dead; I had nothing to do anymore. So why bother? With anything? Someone would just get hurt, that's what people seemed to do around me. My magic wasn't a gift, it was a curse. What was the point of having it in the first place, when Arthur still died?

"I'm sorry Arthur," I whispered between sobs. "I failed you. And now it's my fault that you're dead." My head fell against my knees as the tears became uncontrollable, and I sat in a corner hugging my knees, crying.

"It's okay, Merlin." The tears paused for a moment at Gaius' voice, and he lay a comforting hand on my shoulder. I flinched and turned to face him, tears still stinging my eyes, but my sorrow was now combined with anger.

"NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S MY FAULT THAT ARTHUR'S DEAD. I KNEW MORDRED COULDN'T BE TRUSTED, AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO. IF I'D JUST STAYED AT ARTHUR'S SIDE INSTEAD OF WANDERING OFF WHEN HE NEEDED ME MOST, HE'D STILL BE ALIVE."

He hook his head and sighed. "Merlin, it wasn't your fault. What happened to Arthur was inevitable, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Blaming yourself isn't going to bring Arthur back."

"DON'T YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? I carried Arthur down to Avalon, hoping to save his life, and then watched helplessly as he died in my arms. You don't need to remind me of what has been haunting me for the past few days."

My words trailed off and I rested my head against my knees, unable to continue speaking.

He nodded. "I know it feels bad now, but eventually the pain will disappear. You just have to move on."

"How?" I sobbed. "How can I possibly move on? Arthur was more than just a best friend, he meant a lot more to me. But I never told him how I really felt, and now I'll never be able to."

"I know Merlin, I know."

His words just infuriated me even more, and the added pat on the back didn't help either. "NO, YOU DON'T! NOBODY KNOWS HOW I FEEL. I loved him Gaius, I honestly loved him. I suppose I always knew, but maybe I was afraid to admit it. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because I'm never going to have a chance to tell him."

All those insults, all those times I complained about him being an 'arrogant dollop head', I never meant it. Everything I said was with affection. Everything I did was in the hope that he'd finally realise. But he never did. I sighed, "I miss him Gaius, I miss him so much." He gave me a small smile, and exited the room.

"I love you, Arthur Pendragon." I whispered to no one in particular. "I just wish you knew..."