Disclaimer: Nada.

Hey Mom,

How are things going? Did you ever get the money to pay the bills or did they take the house away? It's been like three years since you asked for money and I told you I would give it to you in person but I guess I forgot to show up, I haven't been to that shithole since I left when I was 17 and I don't plan on going back, I remember the time the neighbors dog bit me in the nuts when I was 12 and the time the neighborhood kids beat me up when I was 9 years old. I don't have many good memories of that place so I hope you're still living in that place and not under a bridge because that's where I'm sending the letter to and it would be weird if some stranger read this.

So I own an island in case you didn't know by now and I bought it to get away from you and from the police because I've found it much easier to avoid the police when they have to row boats to get to your house, it seems like after trying a couple times they eventually just give up and let you molest and harass kids and hire convicts to cook for you so it's a pretty good setup I have going on. I get girls that just turned legal and I can harass teenagers the way I was harassed as a teenager, it's like revenge on the bullies you used to bully me. If you ever need a place to stay I can hook you up with a floor in one of the rooms with the weird kids.

I guess I'm letting you into my life? Well I'm in charge of these stupid kids and I cut them some slack and let them watch movies and when I say I cut them some slack I mean that once a week I lock them in a room and put a movie on for them so I can use my hot tub in peace without hearing a damn complaint from someone. Sometimes I do bring the hot ones like Heather, Courtney, Lindsay, Dawn, Gwen, Zoey and Bridgette in with me and attempt to get them drunk, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

What do I hate about this place? Pretty much everything I think that almost everyone here is stupid, I mean Geoff has no clue how to do laundry and then Harold likes to chase Duncan down the hall in a pathetic attempt to get his underwear back when he's the one who left them in the damn hallway in the first place, next we have Courtney who is hot but would be hotter if I could glue her mouth shut in more of a permanent way to keep her from threatening to sue me for something every day that would be great. I don't even know half the legal terms she's bitching about! Do I look like I went to law school? I'm too good looking for that! I'm the host of the show and that's not my job to take care of those things.

Another thing I can't stand is when Owen and Cameron have nightmares and they knock on my door! Why is it always the creepy and awkward boys? Why can't it ever be the hot girls who wear almost nothing when they go to bed? I would let the hot girls sleep in my bed in a heartbeat! I hate sleeping alone and I'd love a hottie instead of Mr. Snuggles, I mean I love that damn bear and I had him since I was three but Mr. Snuggles will get me friendzoned and then the teenagers will talk about me and I'll be the joke of this place! The second someone knocks on the door the bear goes into a hole in the floor that I made Chef carve, it's nothing personal though, I get it! The one time he was getting humped by one of those wild bears when I secretly brought him on set and he did his thing, I'm not judging him.

Well I should get going, I'm wasting my time writing this when Bridgette and Zoey are in the hot tub down by the pool that looks kinda dirty, maybe I should get someone to clean that. Oh well at least the girls are wearing next to nothing and I'm not going to miss that.

I'll send you a card at Christmas or something,

Chris

Well it looks like this story is coming to an end and Chris has issues of his own. I'm glad that some of you stayed with this story until the end, you're all great and I hope that you'll check out my other stories too!