Secrets

This oneshot is dedicated to Brittney ( .com), my Jily Secret Santa! Hope you enjoy it! (Sorry it's not Christmas themed, I was halfway through writing it when I realized it probably should have been Christmas themed.)

The Potters' house usually emitted some sort of loud noise, day or night, but the neighbors all looked at themselves in worry one morning in particular as an unforgiving January was coming to a close. The Potters hadn't rowed this vociferously in a long time.

Lily Potter was red in the face. "This is ridiculous! I'm not some bloody stranger, I'm your wife!"

"I know, I was at the wedding." James responded to the furious woman's shrieks dully. He knew from experience that shouting back would make it a whole lot worse.

Then again, he thought, maybe if he yelled back, she'd tire out more quickly.

"James. I'm part of the Order, too." she said, strangely quiet, eyes closed and catching her breath. "I've known you for nine years," her voice started to carry again she she stared him in the face with striking green eyes enhanced with (albeit smeared) silver eye-makeup to match her wrinkled dress, "been in a relationship with you for three years," she was shouting again, "and married to you for two years! I've slept next you virtually every bloody night for the past two and a half years of your life and you can't trust me enough to tell me where you were all of yesterday and last night?"

James stood up, scrubbing his face with his hands as he paced around the bedroom, searching for the right words. "Lily... tonight will be the only night. The first and last time, ever, that I won't tell you where exactly I was. You knew I was on an Order mission, why do you need to know exactly what I was doing? Moody said-"

"I know what Moody said! 'Tell no one, keep it confidential'. You think he meant keep it from Lily? James, you didn't come home last night. I waited up for you! It's five o'clock in the morning right now and you stride in, refusing to say where you were! James, it scares me!"

The untidy black-haired man sighed. "I'm sorry I missed your birthday."

"It's- it's not about that! I'm not angry you missed our date, for crying out loud, I'm angry you didn't, and can't, tell me where you were! I thought you were dead! I was expecting Dumbledore with grave news any minute now!"

"I can handle myself!" James found himself shouting back. "I was with Fabian and Gideon, I had the cloak- we were just on an average mission! It's not like they're going to send me to take a shot at Voldemort!"

Lily started flinging herself across the room, a whirlwind of dark red hair and clothes being snatched out of drawers. "You've been on missions before and you've always come home on time, happily telling me which Death Eaters you've been tracking and exactly what pub or alley you were tracking them in. I'm fine with that, I really am- I just need to know where you are so if I get a Patronus saying you're in trouble, I can Apparate there immediately." she hissed, stuffing pajamas and jeans and her tooth brush into an overnight bag. "You left at six in the morning without telling me where you were going, just that you had to dash and that you'd be home by eight. Wrecked my nerves, it did! I tried to put it in the back of my mind, I prepared a nice meal for us, figuring you'd fill me in over dinner. Now you come home, nine hours late, refusing to say a word! I'm going to ask you one more time- are you going to tell me where you were all night?"

James could see dried tear tracks down her face. He swallowed and said, "I can't. I'm sorry."

Lily took a step back. "Fine," she blinked. "Fine. I'm going to Alice's. I'll be home today at noon. I'm telling you this because I love you and I know you'd want to know where I am in case of emergency. We're in the midst of a war, James. I don't want to lose you."

And with that, she swept out of the large manor, stumbling a bit and leaving an aghast man in her wake.

"It's not that I'm angry he wasn't home on time," Lily insisted. "I'm angry that he didn't send a Patronus or even an owl saying that he was okay. I mean, honestly, what did he expect, that I wouldn't blink an eye when I thought he had d-died?"

Alice Longbottom was sympathetic. "I know how it is. Frank used to tell me the bare minimum- drove me up the wall, it did. Merlin, we'd fight nearly every night. I finally realized why he refused to tell me anything- he was petrified of Mad-Eye, and he was also worried he'd put me in danger. James always tells you where he is, though, right? I haven't the slightest why he wouldn't this time."

The red-haired witch just shook her head and picked at a loose thread in her nightgown.

"Did you tell Frank yet?" Lily whispered, looking into Alice's amber eyes. As expected, those eyes lit up in a heartbeat.

"I told him yesterday morning. He almost fainted, he did."

Lily smiled. "Sounds like Frank."

"Did you tell James?"

Lily's smile disappeared as she quickly shook her head no and abruptly changed the subject.

"I'm home," Lily called softly, peering through each doorway in turn as she passed them, looking for her husband. Although she was cross with him, her heart couldn't help but fill with concern when he didn't respond immediately.

"James? James, where are you?" She jogged now, checking every room as she passed. This was no easy task, as they lived in one of the few Potter mansions. Lily was all for the little cottage James now owned in the small village, but it was a bit too far away from the Order and all their friends. James had agreed to contemplate moving there after the war, when they wanted to start a family...

Which reminded Lily to continue looking for James. Her blood suddenly ran cold. What if he had gone into the master bathroom and seen what she should have hid or burned instead of just throwing in the rubbish bin?

"Where are you? This isn't funny!" she yelled, finally coming to a halt at their bedroom doorway, where she could see James, sitting on their bed, holding a pregnancy test and staring into space blankly.

"James?" she asked tentatively. "Are you alright?"

"Do you know the spell?"

"What spell?"

"That pregnancy test spell that Pomfrey taught us in seventh year?"

Lily remained calm. "Yes. Don't you?"

"Peter and I set off dung bombs and got sent out of the classroom."

"Ah."

James swallowed. "Can you- can you do that?"

Lily sat down next to him. "The muggle test is just as reliable and it's positive."

"Please. Just to make sure."

Sighing, Lily pointed her wand at her abdomen an muttered a spell. The tip of her wand shone teal, confirming what the Potters already knew.

There were several seconds of silence.

"I'm sorry."

James swiveled around to look at his wife. "You're sorry? For what?"

"We weren't careful enough. I wasn't careful enough. We can't have a baby now, there's a war going on!"

"What do you mean, we can't?" James asked, paling considerably.

"No! I mean, of course we will, of course we'll have it," Lily assured him, not wanting to think about what he thought she was suggesting. "But... how? How can we do that to a child?

"Our boy."

"Our- it's a boy?"

"The light was blue."

There was more silence.

"I should be excited." Lily said, looking down at her hands.

"It's okay," James said, now grinning hugely and lost in thought. "We're both just in shock."

"I'm not in shock anymore, and I'm not excited, and I feel bloody awful because of it."

James looked at her. "Lily, what's wrong? What are you worried about?" he asked softly, gathering her small hands in his large ones.

"We can't give it- him the life he deserves." she whispered as tears leaked down her face.

James looked very seriously into his wife's eyes. "He'll be loved. He'll be surrounded by friends and family who love him and will always be there for him. That's all he needs."

"And food. And water."

"I know that."

Lily smiled weakly. "Just making sure."

"Is that all you're worried about? That he won't have a perfect life?"

The witch looked away. "You couldn't tell me where you were last night. You could have been killed, what would I have done then?"

"You could always hire Remus as a father-figure, he'd be a shoe-in-"

"It's not funny!"

"It's really not," James agreed, swallowing his smile at once.

"What was so bloody important that you can't tell me?" she softly wondered, turning the muggle pregnancy test over in her hands.

"It's- it's not important."

Lily whipped around to look at him. "Jesus Christ, James, if you're not telling me just as some sort of unfunny joke, I swear I'll rip your-"

"It was Snape."

Lily blinked. "What?"

"We had to follow Snape back to his flat. Bloody disgusting it was in there- you could practically smell the Dark Magic."

She shook her head. "We already knew he's... in that crowd. I'm not naive. You could have told me that."

"Lil, you don't understand- he was horrendous. His flat was filled with notes of all sorts of gruesome spells he must have invented- it was sick. Fabian tossed his stomach up once we got back outside." James shuddered.

"Oh. So that's why you didn't tell me?" Lily asked flatly.

James looked at her sheepishly. "It's just one of those things that would upset you. No real use of knowledge, anyway, you already knew he's a Death Eater."

She looked at him funny. "You used to always be so eager to rat him out in school."

"I knew that telling you this would hurt you and I didn't want to make you sad."

Lily threw her arms around her husband. "You're such a twit sometimes."

"I know." he smiled back, cradling his wife in his arms. "I just hate how he still hurts you."

Her smile faded. "I'm not hurt," she said at length, "just... I don't even know what the word is. I knew this was coming. I wish I could have stopped him but he made his own choices and that's all it comes down to."

"Do you ever regret picking me?"

His wife narrowed her eyes. "No, I don't regret being with you. I didn't pick you. You're not some prize to be bought."

James backtracked. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"I know. It's hormones."

"Oh, joy."

"Shove off, you." Lily giggled. "You can whine and moan with Frank, because Alice is pregnant, too."

James took off his glasses and rubbed his face. "Small world."

"Our kid. We're going to be parents. There's going to be a little boy out there who'll be made up of us."

"Ew," James wrinkled his nose. "That's really literal. And weird."

"Just promise me," Lily said seriously. "No more secrets?"

"No more secrets."